Browsing Category

Cancer Journey

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews

Music Speaks When I Can’t Find Words + My Favorite Christmas Music CD

Music is a powerful thing.  The music I am playing is stirring my heart and creating a longing that I can feel physically in the depths of my being, which made me just stop for a bit and listen.  I feel an almost a physical ache, a desire strong to speak praise to my Father God for sparing my life.

The song took me back to Christmas and New Years 2010.  I had a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction the week after Christmas.  I got home from the hospital on New Year’s Eve.

My dear friend Sharon came from Chicago to care for me and my family while I healed.  What a gift that was! A gift that brings a lump in my throat whenever I think about it.  It was a hard and painful, but oh- so- beautiful week!

She is a friend of my heart, and her care for me and my family was just such beautiful love.  She loved all over my girls during such a scary time in their lives.

All three girls said the hardest part of my cancer journey for them was that surgery weekend, knowing their Mommy was getting cut on, seeing me in the hospital and in pain, and watching me move slowly.  Sharon came and comforted them, and helped take the sting that cancer brought into our lives.  She was a soothing salve.

She calmed my heart when waiting for a key phone call that told us what they found during surgery.  She took me to the Word of God and read His promises to me, promises I still cling to.

She prayed with me, served me tea, played games with my girls, did my dishes, packed their school lunches, helped change my bandages, endured looking at my wounds and stitches and drains.

She held my hand when the news of that phone call was not what we wanted to hear.  She watched me break down and mourn that I might be facing even more chemo. She was just there.  Love tangible.


Andrew Peterson Behold the Lamb of God
{Gather Round–the opening song}

We played this particular CD quite a bit that week and the following weeks, even though Christmas was over.  The songs just brought comfort. This CD is one of my most favorite Christmas albums.

It takes one through the Old Testament up to the birth of Christ.  It is really neat to hear the story in the form of song, prophecy come to life.  The songs brought up wonderful discussion between my girls and I, and expanded our understanding of the Christmas story, that it did not just begin and end in that manger.

I especially love the words of the one below, which is called “So Long, Moses.” The song start with saying goodbye to Moses, and hello to the promise land.  It talks about the 12 tribes.  It touches on Saul & King David.   It talks of the prophets and speaks these comforting words of the Isaiah, prophet of Judah:

{So Long Moses}

{3:00}

So speak, Isaiah
Prophet of Judah
Can you tell of the One
This king who’s going to come
{3:20}Will he be a king on a throne
Full of power with a sword in his fist?
Prophet, tell us will there be another king like this?
Full of wisdom, full of strength,
The hearts of the people are his
Prophet, tell us will there be
another king like this?

{3:40–My FAV!}
“He’ll bear no beauty or glory
Rejected, despised
A man of such sorrow
We’ll cover our eyes

He’ll take up our sickness
Carry our tears
For his people
He will be pierced

He’ll be crushed for our evils
Our punishment feel
By his wounds
We will be healed.”


Gives me chills.  He knew sorrow.  He carries our tears.  He was pierced & crushed for us & by His wounds, the healing comes.  


And this song, While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night:

{0:26}
“Fear not!” said he; for mighty dread 
Had seized their troubled minds 
“Glad tidings of great joy I bring 
To you and all mankind 

To you in David’s house this day 
Is born of David’s line 

Mighty dread and fear HAD seized my troubled mind back in 2010.  But the birth of this tiny baby, this God-man, brings a life joy that even cancer cannot take away.  

By His wounds on the cross, I am made whole and healed.  Even if God chooses not to heal me physically, completely, here on earth, I know I have an ultimate healing in heaven. Oh death, where is thy sting?  Jesus takes it, and through him, life on this earth is not all there is.  

There is final healing and eternal life with HIM!  This joy, a joy-peace, is what I am experiencing and growing in, & my heart overflows with thankfulness for every minute of this life I get to live!  

What more can I say?  My heart bursts forth in song, agreeing with the words of the Shepherds song chorus above; “Hallelujah, Christ is Born!  Oh Glory be to God On High and To The Earth Be Peace. Goodwill Henceforth From God to Man, Begin & Never Cease!!

2
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

She Is Thankful In Cancer

 15243_10151551242996978_2145166437_n

I have a friend I want you all to meet. I have never met her in person, but consider her a dear friend.  We ‘met’ through her brother, who introduced us via Facebook when I was going through treatment for cancer.  He knew I needed to know his sister.  She is a miracle survivor, living with stage 4 breast cancer. Her cancer metastasized to her bones & brain, but her tumors are staying stable and ‘quiet.’

She is truly a miracle, but she knows that her status could change at any time.

She knows pain, both physical and emotional.  While her cancer stayed quiet, she watched her brother-in-law suffer with a reoccurrence of brain cancer, and was there for his family as he battled long & hard, and her faith never wavered.  I wrote a bit about his life here.

Michelle is one of the most courageous people I know. She lives her life in the moment & knows what it means to be thankful.  Her words encouraged me many times during my fight, and they continue to do so.  She updated her Caring Bridge site this week, and what she had to say just blew me away.  I knew I had to share it with you all, as it was such a tangible example of what Thanksgiving is all about.

{The Mellinger Family}
It is an honor to introduce you to my friend, Michelle Mellinger:
THANKSGIVING:
We are celebrating one of my favorite holidays of the whole year on Thursday.  It causes me to be sentimental, family-oriented, and most of all thankful.  I wanted to share why I am THANKFUL FOR CANCER.  Yes, that is hard to say, but so very true when I look back over the last three years.  
Cancer has given me HOPE:  Many people find that hope and cancer don’t go hand in hand.  But without hope cancer is debilitating.  Without hope, you spend your days wallowing in the how and why’s and spend little time enjoying the sights and sounds around you.  Hope does not mean that I am in denial about what is to come, hope is the empowerment to know that whatever is to come I can handle it.
Cancer has given me COMPASSION:  Before my diagnosis, I really didn’t SEE those around me.  Cancer has given me the ability to look into someones eyes and feel their pain.  It is given me empathy and a desire to want to help and encourage people.
Cancer has given me a FUTURE:  most people immediately think that cancer takes away your future.  I used to believe that too.  I used to live in the moment, not worrying about what was ahead for my life.  I didn’t use to dream about my future or what God had in store for me.  Now my future is tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.  I am investing in today so that my future will live on through my children. 
Cancer restored my RELATIONSHIP with my Savior:  I had a hard time BC (before cancer) wanting to spend time with Jesus.  I didn’t have a passion to be in the Word or kneeling in prayer.  I had it under control.  My life was going exactly how I had planned.  I had a great job, awesome husband, and two beautiful children.  But it didn’t go as planned, my life wasn’t unfolding the way I had envisioned.  I have found that God had a new plan.  I don’t always like the new plan, but I am trusting in Him to show me what it is that He wants me to do with my life.
Cancer has shown me that MIRACLES do exist:  I am a miracle!  It is not of my doing.  It is God’s doing.  I used to think miracles only happened in Bible times, but they still happen today.  If you looked at my medical records they would show a woman that had six months to live.  They would cause some doctors to throw their hands up and say there is not much we can do.  My God has allowed the medical treatments at the hands of my doctors and nurses to do amazing things.  They have kept me alive for three years longer that most would have imagined.  I still don’t know why God allows some people to do well and others he takes to his heavenly home way too quickly.  I just know that that there is something more I am to do before he takes me home, maybe it is to remind people that miracles do still exist.
Cancer has given me a THANKFUL heart.  I am so thankful for my family and friends who stand beside me everyday and encourage me to keep on plugging along and not give up.  I am thankful for my children who remind me how important hugs and kisses are and inspire me to be a better mother.  I am thankful for a husband who loves me when I am not lovable and gives me a reason to keep on fighting and living. 
I hope you all find hope, compassion, a future, Godly restoration, miracles, and a thankful heart.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all.                                                   
 Michelle
//
Amazing insight, isn’t it?  It just touched my heart so much to read her words, and made me think of this song I’ve shared below.  She lives this song everyday.  I love how she said. “Hope does not mean that I am in denial about what is to come, hope is the empowerment to know that whatever is to come I can handle it.” I know that she can say this because of her trust in God, and because of this trust, she can and does live out 1 Thessalonians 5:18 “Give Thanks In Everything.”
To follow Michelle journey, see her Caring Bridge page.

 

5
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Struggling Well & a Health Update

I am in a Bible Study on Tuesday mornings at my church.  The title of the elective I chose is
Knees to the Earth: Prayer that Empowers a Woman’s Life
Knees to the Earth.
That is just such a beautiful visual to me.  It is a humbled posture.  Submitted.  Acknowledgement that we are but dust, as knees touch dust.  Often when we think of one on their knees, we thing of eyes closed & head bowed. A reverence.  One bowed in worship.
Expand our elective description and this is what it says:
“Knees to the Earth: Prayer that Empowers a Woman’s Life–learn how calling on God can help you struggle well.”
As I read the rest of the description of this elective, another picture enters my mind.  This one seems to  fits my reality.  I see one with knees touching dust, touching earth.  But her head is not bowed.  It is up.  Eyes raised, a bit desperate.  A face turned in expectation.  A calling out.  A “calling on God in order to struggle well.”
Just yesterday I had this calling out.  It was not a complicated calling out, prayer does not have to be. It was one desperate word: “Lord!”
I sit in my Oncologist office, vulnerable and weary from fighting flu for a week.  Being in this place at this time of year is almost eery, the memories of fighting stage 3b breast cancer, 2 fall’s before, come flooding back.  
My Oncologist, her hands, so soft, capable, sure & confident feel for lumps and bumps.  She pauses on my clavicle, I call it a collar bone.  The space between her brows narrow as she stays in that spot, one that I realize is tender now that it is being manipulated.  “Could it be just a lymph node?  I’ve been sick…” I ask with hope.  Her answer sends my heart racing.  “No, this is bone. But this is abnormal.”  She informs me that I will be having an X-ray right away, and depending on what shows up, a bone scan.  
She leaves the room and I study myself in the mirror.  I stare at my clavicle, a pea size bump stares back at me.  I start to talk inwardly to myself “We’ve had these scares before, don’t jump to conclusions.”  Yes, we have had these scares.  It seems to be a way of life for a cancer survivor.  The “What if’s” and “What’s that’s?”  But this feels different, and I know it is because it is bone that we are dealing with.  If cancer comes back in the bone, it is an automatic stage 4.  Not curable.
An xray tech comes to get me.  I am thankful for the interruption of thoughts…
___________
Would you kindly join me over at Equip Her to read the rest of the post?  

9
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

I Am Weak

I just feel like ‘talking’ today, so I’m gonna just start typing and see what comes out. Consider yourself warned.

Life has slowed me down for the day. This body of mine has slowed me down.

I am on a drug called Tamoxifen.  It is prescribed for women who have had ER+ cancer.  I’ve committed to taking it for 5 years, I am 1 1/2 years in.  It is protective against cancer, but comes with side effects.

Even though it blocks the receptors of estrogen, which is why it is prescribed for cancer patients, it also raises the level of estrogen in the body.  We all know unbalanced hormones can wreak havoc on the body, both physically and emotionally.  I am doing ok emotionally, a bit down & ‘quiet.’  Most of my  struggle lately is physical, which really if I am honest about it, eventually ends up effecting me emotionally.

These upset hormone levels are causing multiple ovarian cysts to form and shrink with each cycle.  Some of the cysts stay small and behave, but during some cycles they grow large (4- cm) and push on other organs in the body.  Where the ovaries are located, there just is not much  room to add another 4 cm mass, so it makes itself known in the form of nerve pain in my hip area, a gut that looks 4 months pregnant, and can cause extreme pain during digestion/elimination.  It causes me to wake up 4-5 times a night to use the bathroom, as the bladder is also in that area and these cysts can be space bullies.

Yesterday evening and today have been my worst days for pain.  If this continues my plan of action is to have shots that shut down my ovaries temporarily.  It may be the way to go, but I’m not quite ready for that yet.  It would mean instant menopause.  Maybe that would be ok.  I am already having some of the most dreaded symptoms of menopause-hot flashes have gotten much worse recently, another beautiful side effect of Tamoxifen and sign that my hormones are whack.  I am going to commit to praying for wisdom in this area, to know if I should move forward with the shots or not.  I was at this point 3 months ago, but then the most painful symptoms behaved for a while, so I wait.

 This is all part of my new normal.

It really is tiring to still be adjusting to a new normal.  You would think that I would just get it and submit to what is, but it is an emotional battle.  Oh man, that feels so familiar as I type it.  I know I have said this numerous times before.  Ugh.

Source: via New on Pinterest

On one hand, I feel so extremely grateful for life, and so thankful for this body of mine and how God designed us to heal and mend.  I feel quite content when I really think about what could be and what is.

But finding contentment in the midst of physical pain is a challenge for me.  I like to feel good.  I like to feel like I have energy.  I don’t like that my new normal includes a daily nap, and if I don’t get one I am checked out of life by 7 or 8pm.  I keep thinking “if I just eat right, if I just exercise, if I just…”  But I am finding that even doing all of those things, I am not able to “fix” my physical symptoms.  They are drug related and drug induced.

I write this not just for my own therapy-ha-but to keep a record of the on-goingness of it all.  I also know that I am not alone in these struggles.  I asked on my personal FB page about other survivor sisters who are on this drug & what they are experiencing. I had so many respond with their own struggles & symptoms.  It broke my heart. One sweet, strong sister ended her comment by saying “I went from feeling great to feeling tired & old.”

So now what?

Well, for today, I am marinading in these verses I read last night:

2 Corinthians 12:10-12 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

~I am going to continue to work on opening my pouting, clinched fists & claim the verse above, that “when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

~I am going to take my opened hand and allow the God of the Universe to hold it, and we will sit awhile today.  

~I will be ok with the sitting, and listen in the stillness to the voice of the one holding my hand.  

~I will give thanks for my weakness, for it causes me to stop and hear.  

~I will rest in the fact the “He knows the plans He has for me.”  

~I will feel his supernatural power as we hand hold, and use it to calm the fear of pain that I have.  

~I will not feel guilty for resting, but thankful that I have the time to rest.  

~I will think of others I know in far worse circumstances than I am in, and I will lift them up to the Creator.  

~I will do these things because I will have the time, thanks to my weakness.  

“For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

17
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

2 Year Cancer-versary!

*A REPOST FROM 2 YEARS AGO!  CELEBRATING 2 YEAR SURVIVORSHIP TODAY!
I. FEEL.SO.THANKFUL.
Thank you for sticking with me through it all.  
~~~~
August 31, 2010
As some of you might have noticed, I have not posted in awhile. 

I’ve been a bit busy— getting diagnosed with breast cancer.
How’s that for getting to the point?  

I want you to all know that I am ready to fight this thing.  I have so many who love me, and I have so much to fight for.  The last few days have been surreal and quite honestly, some of the hardest of my life.  I’ve already learned so much about myself, life, and love.  I know this cancer thing is going to be a great teacher in my life.  I’ve decided to allow it to do just that, but at the same time, will be doing everything in my power to kick it the heck outta here.

The tumor is quite large, 4 centimeters. {*update…MRI showed it to be 6 centimeters}  There may be lymph nodes involved, we are still in the initial testing phase.  I had a CT scan and a bone scan today, the CT scan did not show any other areas.  Praise God!  I will get bone scan reports on Tuesday.  Next week will be a busy week of MRI, PET scan and meeting with my Surgeon, then Oncologist.  We will know the exact stage the cancer is in and the plan of action by next Thursday.  I’ve been told by my doctor to be ready for aggressive treatment, which she guesses will include chemotherapy first, to shrink the tumor, then surgery.

I’ve had many different moments the last few days.  I have felt intense fear and anxiety to the point of physical sickness, but also moments of sweet peace and thankfulness.  It’s quite a roller coaster, a scary one that quite frankly I would really like to get off of.

We told my three girls tonight (ages 11, 9 & 7).  They were so very sweet. We cried together, they came to us for hugs, then they held each other. They asked lots of questions.  We were very honest with them and will continue to be.  They took it in a much more calm manner than what I expected, which was nice.  They are processing and will continue to do so.  We spent the last 10 minutes of our family meeting dreaming up a Halloween costume for their bald mama!:)  The best we came of with was  twins…my husband is bald.  🙂

This blog has always just been about my life.  If we make a craft, I share it.  A new recipe, I write about it.  Thoughts in my head…out they come down onto a post.  I really don’t know any other way to blog other than just share my life, so this blog is about to have a new subject added to it.  Cancer is life right now, it is pretty much an all consuming fight, so I ask you to bear with me as I write and fight.  I won’t be able to post as often, and the subject matter will be pretty real as I really don’t know how else to be.  Thank you so much for being such great readers and such an encouraging community.  I will let you as much as possible how I am doing.

Before I sign off, I’d like to tell you that the ONLY way I am getting through any of this is by the help of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He is my everything. He is faithful. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  I will praise His name no matter what happens. He has so clearly told me that He is with me, and will never leave me or forsake me.

8
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Good To Be Alive

Rainy Downtown Day

Well, it has been back to school week here at the Bowman house.  I have to admit, I AM LOVING the quiet and time to think, work & clean!  I feel a sense of relief that we made it through summer and I was able to balance being a mom and blogger.

Honestly, it was one of the first summers that didn’t end with a feeling regret.  In the past, I would regret how I spent my time, words I used, impatience I had with my kids, money I spent.  The list goes on.

I’ve been reflecting on what has made the difference.  I think growth happens as we age.  I also think I am experiencing the positives of going through a life threatening illness and the perspective it brings. It is funny how life can grow a person, how God uses the hard in life to stretch us and show us what is important.  I also think listing the gifts has changed me dramatically, it sure helps put life into perspective and trains my eyes to see life through the lens of contentment.

I know grace has a lot to do with it, for I was not perfect. Far from it.  I have learned to give grace and accept grace in those imperfect moments, stopping and realizing ‘life is not an emergency” as Ann Voskamp says. I’ve learned that it is ok for life to not go exactly how I think it should, to stop and take a breath, to let go of expectation and perfection.  These are all things that have contributed to growth.

I have always loved my kids, but since being sick, I have fallen hard for them.  I feel focused on the moments, and I find myself whispering aloud thanksgiving for those moments, in the moment.  Thanksgiving changes a person.  It has changed me.

Precious is the word that keeps coming to mind.  Precious children, precious husband, precious time, precious life.  Life is a precious gift, one that I hold near and dear and do not take for granted.  Folks, it IS GOOD TO BE ALIVE.

I am on a little mom/daughter date with my youngest today.  We went to breakfast, got rained on at the Farmers Market, snuggled under an umbrella, enjoyed 2 elevators in 2 parking garages (lil one loves elevators) and are now sitting in a coffee shop eating brownies and relaxing.  Precious moments.

On the way here, I heard a song in the car that is the perfect life theme song for me right now.  It puts all I am feeling into words.  I especially love part that says “I won’t take it (life) for granted, I won’t waste another second.  All I want is to give you a life well lived to say Thank You.”  Oh for the grace to make this continuously true in my life.

by Jason Grey
Hold on, is this really the life I am living?
‘Cause I don’t feel like I deserve it
Every day that I wake and every breath 
that I take you’ve given

Right here, right now 
while the sun is shining down

I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow
Love like I’m on borrowed time
it’s good to be alive, yeah, yeah

Hold on if the life that we’ve been given
Is made beautiful in the living
And the joy that we get 
brings joy to the heart of the Giver

Then right here, right now
This is the song I’m singing out

I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow
Love like I’m on borrowed time
it’s good to be alive
I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow
Love like I’m on borrowed time
it’s good to be alive, yeah

I won’t take it for granted
I won’t waste another second 
All I want is to give you
A life well lived to say, “Thank you”

 

7
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

MRI Results

{St. Elizabeth Hospital}
MRI RESULTS ARE NEGATIVE!
That is all the nurse would tell me, she said Doc would discuss details with me when I come for a follow up.  That really is all I need to know!  Negative!!

I’m so thankful that once again, I received good news.  I do not take this for granted.  I am so, so thankful.

I also want you all to know that I had the privileged of feeling your prayers.  Quite literally.  

Every time I go for these scans it gets easier.  I KNOW that is prayer and the growth that comes when I have consistent reason to lean into Him in scary times.  I did not feel my usual fear.  I felt sadness, some heaviness after I got home from the scan– sort of drained emotionally.  But, not fear.

{reserved parking just for me!}


I felt patience.  Patience is definitely not something that comes easy for me, so that in itself is a miracle.  The only time I felt impatient was when I knew the nurse had my test results back but we had to wait for the Doctor to look them over.  Then my patience wore off, and I felt ticked and wanted to drive to the Doctors office and demand my test results.  I didn’t.  🙂

{so I know who I am}
I felt peace, even when my lucky vein had given up on me.  I am limited already, they can only use my right arm because lymph nodes were removed from the left.  I have tiny veins, and the nurse said sometimes chemo makes veins even smaller.  My lucky vein has formed scar tissue and it ends up bending the plastic tube they try to insert once the needle is in.  Not fun…but, even as the nurse was on her 4th try, 4th area of my arm, I laid there and almost wanted to laugh at myself. I really was quite in awe. The calmness I felt was CRAZY.

It took over 25 minutes, two nurses and 4 maybe 5? pokes to get my I.V. in, and I was completely chill about it. It was not just pokes, but a poke then digging around chasing my tiny veins.  Yikes..I should not have felt calm.  The nurses couldn’t believe it.  I told them my drug was prayer.  I told them about this blog and my readers who pray me through these times and God answers their prayers by making me a completely different person, totally calm to the point of inward giggling while being poked a billion times.  God is funny.  He is good.
{hospital garb}
There was a period of time while I was there that I didn’t feel calm.  I had finished changing into my hospital clothes, and could hear a little boy begging the nurse for no more pokes.  There was terror in his voice. His words turned into a low helpless wail.  I passed his room and his blond head was shaking no, back and forth, eyes full of fear. He looked about 9, my youngest girls age. His little sister watched, face frozen, eyes big. His brave Mother bent over, whispering in his ear.  I wonder what she was saying.  I whispered myself, a prayer for them into the ear of God.  I saw the little boy in the waiting room about an hour later.  His I.V. was still connected to his arm, there was more to come for him.  I walked away on my way home, and prayed that his ‘more to come’ would be short and easy, and that he too, would be on his way home soon.

{a cheerio sticker marks the lymph node}
I thought about how much harder this all would be if it were one of my 3 lovelies.  I’m so thankful it wasn’t and isn’t, and pray it never will be.

I am also so thankful for a clear scan.  I am so thankful for you all. Thank you, once again, for being present with me & for your prayers.

36
Top