Cancer Journey

It is no coincidence that as tears drop down my face, out- of- the- blue large rain drops, the biggest I’ve seen, shower my windshield.  I imagine God-sized tears.  I know He feels with me.

The sky is grey and I’m trying not to be.  I pass an retirement center & a sad longing enters.  I want to grow old.  “Lord, I want to grow old!”

It is no coincidence that as that whisper leaves my lips that another enters my brain. “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.”

The rain is intense, making it hard to see.  Should I brace myself for a storm?  I’m surprised how fear has been replaced with sadness.  That is not a coincidence, for God and I have done much work on fear.  Sadness seems easier. Calmer.  A relief, but not.

I drive just a couple more blocks.  The rain stops as suddenly as it came on.

The song on the radio catches my attention–the word “beloved,” for it is what my name means.  I’ve always loved the meaning of my name.

I listen intently, the words soothe & prepare.  I find the melody and the same words running through my head the next day, in weak moments.  I realize the song was given as a gift, its perfect words not a coincidence. I am determine to receive it. I lift my eyes and open my hands.

Almost home now, my eyes keep lifting.  I am searching for the rainbow, for it is still raining but the sun is shining.  I don’t find one, but I’ve seen God’s promise before, so I will keep my eyes lifted. What I find will be no coincidence.

And now, I’m home.

______________________

Health Update:

I went in for my ‘every 3 month’ checkup.  There is a thickening in the area that my tumor used to be.  Doc can also feel the same lymph node we have been watching.  Because I have had some burning sensations there (symptoms I presented with 2 years ago) and because my cancer margin was so close to the chest wall (1 mil.), she is going to be extra cautious with me.  The plan is to check it out with an MRI.  We need insurance to approve it first, so we won’t know anything for a week or two.

We are hoping it is just scar tissue.

I am doing fine with it. After my tears that I spoke of above, I really have felt ok and at peace.  Pretty used to this stuff, at least as used to it as I think I will get.  It is never comfortable, the wondering & ‘what-if’s’ but it is familiar and I’ve been through it before, and I have a great God who calls me Beloved!

I have had stomach pain, it started Monday night.  Woke me up in the night both Monday and Tuesday.  It was severe in the night, but during the day only bothered me slightly.  It did keep me from running, which frankly ticked me off, and got me to the doctor.  I was suspicious of gall bladder.

I had an ultrasound yesterday morning.  Yes, they think my gall bladder may not be working properly and want further testing. That is what is causing pain.

 But that is not why the doctor called me at the end of the day.

She called to let me know that there is a 1-2 centimeter spot on my kidney.  It showed up in an ultrasound that I had in January and was cyst-like, so we were told to watch it due to my history.  Well, it now looks more solid, a nodule or lesion.  They are not jumping to conclusions but because of the definite change from the ultrasound in January, the radiologist suggest further testing due to my history.

My primary care doctor is going to call my Oncologist for the “now what?”  I expect a scan or two, maybe a biopsy.  I will know more next week.

You have all so graciously come along on this journey with me, so I want to keep you informed. It seems like these “bumps in the road” may just be a way of life– these ups and downs with my health.  I am ok with that.  I have done my pouting in the past and have come to accept the ‘what is.’  I am at peace, and so thankful for how many prayers have been answered on my behalf.  So many.

I am also very thankful for the perspective that all of this brings.  It is a gift.  I find when pain forces me to face what we all need to face, that we are here on this earth for a short time, I live.  I REALLY live.

I see more clearly.  I think about what matters.  I notice beauty.  I touch and hug my kids more. I kiss my husband more (well, I would be if he didn’t have a cold :)) I treasure the moments with those I love.  I eat it all up, and I am present.  That, friends, is a gift, one that I would not have to this extent, if it were not for pain.

Emotional pain, physical pain, both bring perspective.
I reach out to my Heavenly Father in these moments, I rest in His love, and I find peace.

I will keep you updated.  Again, it very well could be nothing.  Hoping for the best!!

{notice how dark the valleys are, but without them there would be no mountaintop}

{photo credit}

I’ve been cleaning out my gmail inbox, which was a complete nightmare!  It is slowly getting better as I file, label, delete and respond.  Such a great feeling!  I have come across some pretty precious emails, notes of encouragement from when I was sick, ones I read, but never filed away properly.  I have to make some sort of scrapbook out of all the amazing words I got from people. 

Even after all this time I am still amazed at how God put the perfect note, or song, or person in my life at all the right times to carry me through the hardest times.  He continues to do that, but I do find it is harder to see when I have the energy to be busy.  I am working on keeping eyes open to see.

I remember the below video.  I remember it was a couple days after chemo #2.  I was in such a fog that frankly scared me.  I couldn’t think clearly.  I couldn’t see clearly.  I couldn’t walk well.  I was weak & nauseous.  I remember sitting at the computer desk, staring at the screen, trying to make it focus.  


I had a file of songs on hand to play for those valley days, and hit the first one I could find.  It was the song below.  I remember laying my head on the desk, eyes blurred but not from tears, yet.  My head so heavy, my heart, too.  I listened to it 3 times at least, it was the perfect song for my heart that day. The desk became wet with my tears, but I was too weary to do much about it.  

My Caring Bridge Journal October 6, 2010:

I’m in the valley today. I am weak, sick and in the fog.  I woke up last night from at least 6 different dreams where I was telling people I only had months to live, different people each time.
 
As this linked video says, “I need a voice that is louder than mine” today.

I pray that if you are in your own valley today, that you too, would find His sweet grace, that His voice would be louder than yours, that you would find shelter in the wings of God!  He is the lifter of heads and the healer of hearts.  So often He has lifted my head and cradled my heart.  He takes our valleys and gives them meaning & purpose. He is a good, good God, one that we can turn to when we just can’t carry on ourselves.