Decluttering & Finding Chemo Memories

{notice how dark the valleys are, but without them there would be no mountaintop}

{photo credit}

I’ve been cleaning out my gmail inbox, which was a complete nightmare!  It is slowly getting better as I file, label, delete and respond.  Such a great feeling!  I have come across some pretty precious emails, notes of encouragement from when I was sick, ones I read, but never filed away properly.  I have to make some sort of scrapbook out of all the amazing words I got from people. 

Even after all this time I am still amazed at how God put the perfect note, or song, or person in my life at all the right times to carry me through the hardest times.  He continues to do that, but I do find it is harder to see when I have the energy to be busy.  I am working on keeping eyes open to see.

I remember the below video.  I remember it was a couple days after chemo #2.  I was in such a fog that frankly scared me.  I couldn’t think clearly.  I couldn’t see clearly.  I couldn’t walk well.  I was weak & nauseous.  I remember sitting at the computer desk, staring at the screen, trying to make it focus.  


I had a file of songs on hand to play for those valley days, and hit the first one I could find.  It was the song below.  I remember laying my head on the desk, eyes blurred but not from tears, yet.  My head so heavy, my heart, too.  I listened to it 3 times at least, it was the perfect song for my heart that day. The desk became wet with my tears, but I was too weary to do much about it.  

My Caring Bridge Journal October 6, 2010:

I’m in the valley today. I am weak, sick and in the fog.  I woke up last night from at least 6 different dreams where I was telling people I only had months to live, different people each time.
 
As this linked video says, “I need a voice that is louder than mine” today.

I pray that if you are in your own valley today, that you too, would find His sweet grace, that His voice would be louder than yours, that you would find shelter in the wings of God!  He is the lifter of heads and the healer of hearts.  So often He has lifted my head and cradled my heart.  He takes our valleys and gives them meaning & purpose. He is a good, good God, one that we can turn to when we just can’t carry on ourselves.