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Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

When Grief Hits

SEVERE-ANXIETY- Grief

Grief.

It is a word my counselor used at the end of our first session,  “I see someone who is grieving.”

2015 was a year of grieving. It was a year I lost my voice and this blog took a bit of a standstill, which had not happened since I started it back 2007.

CS Lewis says of grief in A Grief Observed:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  I’m not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.  The same fluttering of the stomach, the same restlessness, the yearning.  I keep on swallowing.

Other times it feels like being mildly drunk or confused.  There is sort of  an invisible blanket between the world and me.  

I find it hard to take in what anyone says.  Or perhaps hard to want to take it in.  It is so uninteresting yet I want others to be about me.  I dread the moments when the house is empty.  If only they would talk to one another & not me.” 

This puts words to what I was feeling.  Grief brought on anxiety and the enemy ran with it. I lost who I was as I became a person with no words to type.

I felt like another person as my introverted self who was used to craving moments of a quiet, empty home now felt lost, I didn’t know what to do in the silence.

I was coming out of grief after years of fighting cancer and multiple surgeries and medications and all the loss that it brings. I was embracing what it was to live new.

But then my hardest of hard grief hit, grief over our sweet daughter whose story took an unexpected and abrupt turn and hit extra hard due to her young age.

Her story is her story and will not be told in full here, but illness of her own took over our girl and she was not recognizable to us, or herself. A severity of illness, taking us all by surprise, and into a battle that felt much harder than my previous cancer battle.

Mess with me, I can deal, at least so far.  Mess with my precious baby, and I battled hard to stay strong through her battle, but in the end, anxiety sank me.

I wrote about the sinking here, and along with my prolonged anxiety, I found also found myself in a pool of sadness, swimming in grief. Anxiety and depression can often go hand in hand.

I am acquainted with anxiety, but never of that severity & had not experienced it accompanied with depression. Deep sadness was a new experience for me.

Together anxiety and depression are a brutal duet that brought my life music & happiness to a halt. It was survival time. I was a survivor learning what survival really meant.

Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. A time to weep. A time for grief.

Those months of grieving in 2015 were long and hard. I look back and remember the tears that would just appear sudden and silent, falling down my cheeks anytime I would hear the words “how are you?” My mouth would open but tears would replace words and I would try to answer but mostly kept silent & went inward.

I could not hold the flow back. It was not a sobbing type of tear, but a quiet, constant flow that would just come whenever I would try to speak of my inward pain–which was almost never–unless someone asked those 3 words “how are you?”

The words would be asked and there were the brave that would continue to come toward and were able to get me to talk even while tears flowed. I remember the saltiness of tears tasted when I would open my mouth and speak.

I remember the relief I felt after months passed, medications were found, and I could speak without the saline taste of tears.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens….a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance… Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

I think of the song, the one below:

Turn Turn Turn

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

This summer, 2016, for me, has been one of dancing & laughing, but I will not soon forget what it is to mourn & grieve. I know God bottles our tears & will not waste a single one.

I know there is meaning and purpose in pain when one knows the kindness of their Maker & chooses to turn their tear-stained face to Him.

God and His promises were the only lasting hope I could find while grieving, and it was one that held. I was held.

Are you grieving? Know that Your Maker loves you so very much, and holds you and your tears, too.

Remember: there is a time for everything, and as the world turns so does everything and relief will come as all turns, turns, turns.  Remember while in the spinning He’s got the whole world and YOU in His hands.

{Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds}

Update: Since writing this post, I have learned that a sweet friend’s cancer has returned & I find myself reading these words I wrote about grief and thinking hers.

Yes, this is a summer of dancing for me, but I still and enter into the spinning grief of others, for we are made to mourn with those who mourn and I do. My heart is so sad for her.

Will you pray for my sweet friend? She has 2 young kids and wants to see them grow up. I won’t share her name here but God knows it and when you speak of her and lift her up to Him. I would be so appreciative if you do.

…………..

More From New Nostalgia:

 Severe Anxiety Symptoms – Words From My Journal

14 Ways To Find Relief From Severe Anxiety

Top 5 Ways To Relieve Stress

Going There–Mental Illness

Music Renews/ Spiritual

I Am A Sinner If It’s Not One Thing It’s Another

 IF-ITS-NOT-ONE-THING-ITS-ANOTHER“‘Cause I am a sinner ~ If it’s not one thing it’s another ~ Caught up in words ~ Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior ~ And You take brokenness aside ~ And make it beautiful” –ALL SONS & DAUGHTERS

…………

I sit in church, feeling numb from the weekend.  It was a rough one.  I felt on edge, worried, moody, & not myself.  I have not had these feelings for a long while now, and I did not like experiencing them for one day, much less going on day three.  I felt it building each day and I wonder where it came from and what would come of it.

What came of it? A teenager who is moody herself– acting fairly normal for a teen– was rude and I reacted. I lost patience and words came and frustrations spewed out and over onto my girl, lecturing, accusing & pointing fault.

I watch my words not only cause her to shut off and go into her room, but I see a shut down in my Todd.  Usually when shut down happens in him, I feel hurt and uncared for. This time, I saw pain. He went inward and I saw pain in his eyes –my eyes were opened to see his– I saw his eyes reflecting pain from my words and actions not just of today, but of the past. Today hurts him deep due to history of hurt. I am faced with my history of emotional words that hurt, I then shut down and feel myself spiral inward.

Shame. Guilt. Thoughts go dark. I cause pain. Now and before. I wallow in past failures & wonder how is it that I am loved? Doubt creeps in & the enemy cozy’s up and keeps planting bits of lies here and there.

I struggled quiet, until Sunday when we gather together at church and we sing two songs and the pastor preaches words from the book of Samuel.  I confess I see the message is from Samuel and I inward eye roll as I don’t think I will receive what my heart is longing for.

You know what? I don’t know much. God knows everything. He knew exactly the words my hurting heart & shadowed thinking needed to hear. Our pastor is anointed and brings the Word so faithfully.  Some of his favorite words are spoken in almost every message.

“God lavishes his grace on us”

“Get out of the dark room.  Run into the Light Room”

These words and visuals have saved me more than once from the Accuser.

And then this verse– from of all books– the book of Samuel:

“Samuel said to the people, “Do not fear. You have committed all this evil, yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. You must not turn aside, for then you would go after futile things which can not profit or deliver, because they are futile. For the LORD will not abandon His people on account of His great name, because the LORD has been pleased to make you a people for Himself. Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you; but I will instruct you in the good and right way. Only fear the LORD and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you.”
‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭12:20-24‬ ‭NASB‬‬ (emphasis mine)

 

Words of truth from my pastor, God & Samuel straight to my heart.  Take THAT Accuser.  I find myself turning toward the Light room.

We then sing this song & I confess with its words and my toes that step into the light room & light starts shining bright.  My feet walk toward the front steps of the altar–toward forgiveness– with a card in hand. We were encouraged to write on the card that which needs left in the past. I write my emotions, literally, I write down my emotions or really my lack of control over my emotions that have brought me down that weekend and in the past. I leave them and the card at the cross.

Brokenness Aside

{Brokenness Aside by All Sons & Daughters}

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run
‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
Will You call me child
When I tell you lies
‘Cause all I know
Is how to cry
‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful
[x2]‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies, oh yeah
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
[x2]

You make it beautiful
Beautiful
You make it beautiful
Beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful
[x4]

We sing this song & I soak it in. I’ve kept singing it all these days.

Church service lets out and I go straight to week 2 of a teen parenting class. Light continues to brighten my path in that room of wonderful, wise parents trying to do their best but feel overwhelmed, and in one big voice we agree just how hard parenting teens can be.  It normalizes my struggle, shows me I am not alone, shows me my girls are inward and outward beautiful and I have not failed them. I leave with feeling empowered and ready to love well.

The week starts and by the end of day 3 of dreary grey days, my heart is feeling shadowed again. Despite my wonderful Sunday, grey Monday comes and so does words of criticism and accusation, but this time they are from myself at myself.

I just couldn’t shake the shame I felt. It is hard to go so long without falling into a place you don’t want to go, and then go there and have to face it again. It allows one to see more clearly when it is no longer a habit, and I clearly saw pain that I brought to my loved ones. I wallowed in it, & was quiet and inward, until the evening of the third day. I finally talked to the man who has loved me for 20 years and knows me better than anyone.

Continue Reading…

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

A Health Update & The Best Girlfriends

Hello & Health Update

I have this special group of girlfriends.  We are not able to get together as a whole very often, but when we do–world watch out! We wine, dine & “go there,”  opening up our worlds and hearts to each other, knowing it is one of the safest places to do so.

Because we are not able to get together often, much of this opening of hearts and worlds happens in a Facebook group that we have formed.  It is the place of many smiles and inside jokes, but most often it is the place where we place our prayer requests.

After I wrote this health update, I let my sweet group of friends know about it and asked them to pray for me.  For some reason it took me longer than usual to update them.  I’ve been quiet, a bit withdrawn.  I blame nausea for this. When it lasts at least half the day, it seems to take me the rest of the day to recover emotionally, and then it starts over the next day. So, it has made me quiet.  And tired.  I spin my wheels trying to keep up with life, most of the time in a weird spot of wanting to be busy but being so very tired from just putting one foot in front of the other and a smile on, yet, busyness has brought relief. My girls keep me busy and driving them around is about the only thing that feels normal right now as my body sure doesn’t. And since I’m being honest I suppose it took me a bit to ask for prayer as there is a part of me that is not just physically tired but also tired of being the ‘sick girl.’

I want to be well and strong and happy and fun!

Sometimes life has other plans and they are not fun.

But here is the deal.  God shows up even in the ‘not fun.’  He does.  I’m in the middle of typing this not-so-fun post and my Facebook messenger dings and it is one of my girlfriends from the said Facebook group, who has been praying for a job but that prayer is not yet answered so she has time and wants to be with me during my upcoming scans.  This is the first time I have not asked anyone to come with me.  I am not sure why, it’s just that ‘quiet’ thing I guess. This new ‘a-bit-withdrawn’ me.  Not really knowing what I need or will want moment-by-moment but God sure does.  I’m not sure if we can work it out for her to be there, but just knowing she was willing was a God-kiss for me.

The responses I got from my sweet friends in my Facebook group were so dear. One tells me she is “praying peace over and around” me.  Another sent me the song I post below that just soothed me and was what I needed to hear. It really hit me while listening to it how I’ve been consumed with trying to solve the mystery of my health, trying to figure out why I have been feeling so sick, instead of just resting and trusting. I confessed my anxiety to the group and she also reminded me to hold every thought captive & worship, worship, worship our God. What better advice could one give? I needed it and my heart received it. Such sweet love.

By the time I finished this post my sweet friend group offered to come by an evening this week to pray for me, led by one who told me she has been praying Luke 7:50 at 7:50 a.m. for me every morning since writing my last ‘health update’ post. Yeah, overwhelming love.

+++++++

So scans.  It has been 2 years and my Oncologist wants to look inside and make sure we are not missing anything with my new symptoms of nausea, weight loss and fatigue.  She is also giving me a month-long break from my cancer meds, including my dreaded monthly shot that places an implant under my skin each month to shut my ovaries down. She wants to see if that is what is causing the symptoms.  My next one is due on Friday so if I start having relief from symptoms around that time then maybe the cancer meds are the culprits.  If so, well, that is another post, and I will keep you  updated.

In the meantime, I’m going to obey my girlfriends and trust our very trustworthy God and worship, worship, worship!

Psalms 59:16 But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.

 

worship763c42eee263343cdff439baa

 

 Trust

noun
  1. 1.
    firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

 

 I Will Trust In You

by Lauren Dangle

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

 

FAMILY/ Leaving A Legacy/ Music Renews

Leaving A Legacy – Who I Am

 AM-I-STRONG-BLANCA-2

To My 3 Lovlies:

Oh yes, say it loud, you are so more than enough.

You are strong

Beautiful

You are good enough

You belong

After all

‘Cause of what He’s done

This is real

What He feels

No one made it up

YOU ARE LOVED

There is nothing that can separate you from God’s love. Nothing.

Not height, nor depth, nor any Created thing shall be able to separate you from His love. {Romans 8:38,39}

He cannot love you more, right here, right now.

You are everything because He gave His everything for you.

THIS  is your identity.

OH SO beautiful, you are.

TEAGAN-PROFILE-PROM

{a picture of my lovely Teagan on prom day}

 

Who I Am by Blanca

Another voice, another choice
To listen to words somebody said
Another day 
I replay
One too many doubts inside my head

Am I strong 
Beautiful
Am I good enough
Do I belong
After all
That I’ve said and done
Is it real
When I feel
I don’t measure up
Am I loved

CHORUS
I’m running to the One who knows me
Who made every part of me in His hands
I’m holding to the One who holds me
‘Cause I know whose I am, I know who I am

I am sure I am Yours

Turning down 
Tuning out
Every single word
That caused me pain
Unashamed
And unafraid
‘Cause I believe You mean it when You say 

I am strong
Beautiful
I am good enough
I belong
After all
‘Cause of what You’ve done
This is real
What I feel
No one made it up
I am loved

CHORUS

I am sure I am Yours
I know who I am
I am sure I am Yours

Fearfully
Wonderfully
Perfectly
You have made me

I’m running to the One who knows me
I’m holding to the One who holds me

CHORUS

I am sure I am Yours
And I know who I am

Music Renews/ Spiritual

Music To Bring Life To Your Morning

psalm-143.8

 It is so easy to lose perspective in this life.  When I find myself in the desert; parched, thirsty and can’t see through the dust-I turn to music.

I made a new playlist on Spotify this morning for those specific times when I just need to hear truth and gain a hopeful perspective once again.

I call it my ‘Morning Favs’ as morning is the perfect time ( as the verse in the above pic states) to find what is true and real.

I think I should have named it, ‘Drink’ for I plan to come often to this list of songs.  It is a well of life-giving water to pull from & thirst no more.

 

5 Minute Fridays/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

So Long Last Year, Welcome This Year – Five Minute Friday

Five minutes to write on the word: Welcome.

Write–don’t edit–just 5 minutes to be in the moment–

————————

Go:

These words, these songs of JJ Heller’s, they speak my heart, they lift my head. 

Goodbye 2014

I say goodbye to last year, 2014.  Good riddance.

It was a year of struggle, of mental tug of war, of hormones switched on and off by monstrous needles jabbing each month, of watching those I love suffer and some of them lose everything.

Still much to be thankful for, I grasped at those thankful moments all the while sinking in despair. At the end of the year I willed myself to list my thankful, sometimes it felt like that list was the only pathway to reality & truth.

2014. You were a hard year.

 

Welcome 2015

With you comes a fresh start, for His promises never change and He makes all things new.

There is still suffering and sweet friends waiting in anguish on test results and others with stage 4 diagnosis & those damn monthly needles in my stomach whose thought of them makes it churn. 

But. As sweet JJ Heller and her handsome husband sing, 

I am not focusing on the ‘cracks in the walls or the times that I fall.’ 

I WILL NOT.

Because:

*It’s all becoming so clear
There is no use living in regret
Let’s fight a good fight
Train our eyes to find the light
That makes this year the best one yet!
Starting right here

I will not live in the dark room.  Not when my saving Savior is wooing me to the light room.

Todd & Amy

The Man That I Love

And for the man that I love:

*This year
I plan on thinking less of “I” and “me”
I resolve to think of “us” and “we”
This year
I can’t wait to see what good will come
To feel alive instead of feeling numb
This year

How?  How can I say these things with such certainty and without looking back? How will I run to the safety of the light room?

By welcoming truth.

The truth is, I have someone who will (in the words of another beautiful song by Heller)

*Love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become

I open my eyes from looking at all the despair,

I will lift my head & run to the light room and a God that says:

*I will give you the love 
The love that you never knew

I come out of the room, fully known, fully loved, whole & true; with a love so familiar, but at times I never knew.

So, to 2015 I say “Hello & Welcome.”

 

Stop.
———-
*All words in italics are words from “This Year” & “What Love Really Means” both songs by JJ Heller.  
Her music has been a place I run to in the hardest of times.  I just adore her and her amazing smile, cute bangs & realness on her Facebook page.  What a gift she is & what gifts she has!
Happy to be linking up with 5 Minute Fridays.
Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Music Renews

Mental Illness–Going There & A Health Update

MENTAL-ILLNESS

I sit here in my recently made-over home office, begging God to make me over.

I am in my favorite chair, the one that generations have sat in before me, the one that reminds me of my sweet Grandpa.

It takes me back to this past spring, his frail body sitting in a chair, cozied up in blankets during his last days.  I remember so clearly his sweet smile as his eyes closed and his head relaxed back,  his hand patting mine. I didn’t know the next time I would see him his hand would be lifeless, and mine would be stroking his hair, touching his face, coming to rest on his pulse, and feeling the very last few beats of one of the kindest hearts I have known.  This precious moment,  as I felt the life-blood leave, was a moment that has stayed with me.  I will tell more of the story another time, it is one of beauty.  It is one of a bride married 66 years, saying her goodbyes and releasing her lover to Jesus, as I sat by and caught a glimpse of eternity.

photo-103

This chair, passed down from my Great Grandmothers’ Grandmother, has stood the test of time quite well.

The only bit of wear and tear is where one’s head would rest. It is slightly worn there.  I think of others who have come before me, lying their weary heads to rest, feeling worn.

This life is hard, and I have just come out of one of the hardest seasons this summer, and I am worn. I have been quiet here on the blog, a necessity as the much of my weariness comes from a story that is not mine to tell, at least not in detail.   I have not had the time or the emotional stamina to work.  Posts have been few and far between. I miss writing & creating.

photo 1-5

School started Tuesday for my 3 lovelies, and I now have the time that I craved most of the summer.  I have found though, that there is a recovery process going on with me that is taking some time.  This is life…this being ‘made -over.’  I cling to the promise that it is all going to be ok, because He is the one who makes all things new, redeeming all that seems wrong to good in the lives of those who love Him.  {Romans 8:28}

I know this post is supposed to be about mental illness, and really it is.  My little lovely has been ill, and I know I too am fighting the effects of illness, both physical and mental.

Mental triggered by physical, they entwine and do a sad dance.

My physical state has not been great, my reproductive organs really misbehaving, causing pain & bleeding and sending me to the doctor more than I would like.  So far we have found a fibroid tumor, and I thanked God what showed up on the scan was not cancer.  I am in the middle of ongoing testing to figure out why I am having the symptoms I do.  My cancer medication that  suppresses hormones has been a hard one to continue to take.  There are no easy answers.  Due to doctors order mix-up, I recently experienced what it would be like coming off of the meds, and it was a struggle.  5 days of waiting for the prescription to be refilled, my body went into withdrawal symptoms, and just when I was starting to adjust I went back on the meds, for more days of adjustment.  It was not pretty, and I continue to feel the effects of that mixup.  That is just my bottom half.  My top half is also misbehaving.  The reconstruction that I had done in October/November of last year looks great, but my right side formed a keloid that has grown even more extensive than before fixing it last fall, the most drastic changes happened in just the last month.  I have both my dermatologist and my plastic surgeon puzzled.  They don’t know what to do with me.  If it continues to grow, it will mess up my reconstruction.  Just last week the scar area on the other side formed two small pinpoint scabs, out of the blue.  That really took me by surprise, as it had healed beautifully. This is something my oncologist wants to take a look at asap, as the incision site is often a place where reoccurrence happens.  I am nervous because to biopsy that area could very well cause a keloid there, too, and mess up the reconstruction that I have grown quite attached to.

I know all of this physical stuff has a huge effect on how I feel emotionally and mentally.

{Worn — Tenth Avenue North}

I’m worn.

I then scroll through Facebook. See the horror of horrors called ISIS, and cry out to the One who holds it all and knows it all & promises to make some sort of sense of it all.

I keep scrolling, see Robin Williams face, and am reminded of why I choose to talk about mental illness on this blog.

I have found 2 articles that speak my heart loud and clear that I must pass on.

 

Thoughts On Depression, Suicide & Being A Christian — Nish Weiseth

What The Church & Christians Need To Know About Mental Illness –Ann Voskamp

Ann Voskamp{via Ann Voskamp.com}

Instead of doing much writing right now on mental illness, I am doing some healing and letting Him carry me through my own journey with illness.

In the meantime, this is the song I choose to sing.

{Colton Dixon-You Are}

———-

When I can’t find the words 
To say how much it hurts 
You are the healing in my heart 
When all that I can see are broken memories 
You are the light that’s in the dark 

(Chorus) 
You are the song, 
You are the song I’m singing
You are the air, 
You are the air I’m breathing 
You are the hope, 
You are the hope I needed
You are 

And when my circumstance leaves me with empty hands
You are the provider of my needs
When all my dirtiness has left me helpless
You are the rain that washes me


If I had no voice, 
If I had no tongue, 
I would dance for you like the rising sun. 
And when that day comes and I see your face. 
I will shout your endless glorious praise. 

————–

He is my song, my air, my hope.

In time, I know I will rise from the sad, turn my face to the Son, rise up like the sun and dance.

—————-

 

The home office makeover and chair I speak of?  I will be featuring them both in a post tomorrow.  That is, if I can do as James Brown suggests and get up off this thing, and dance until I feel better. 🙂

 

—————

Going There — Mental Illness

Going There — Mental Illness: PMDD & Getting Health

 

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