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Cancer Journey

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

A Glimpse Of Life A Year Ago

I found these cleaning out a closet a while ago.  The site of them took my breath and I was taken back for a moment to how it felt to just be getting through each day, where meds and doctors and tests and unknowns were a way of life.  
I have found it very meaningful to look back and to see how far I have come.  How faithful God has been.  It keeps things in perspective and gives me a thankful heart, one that bursts.
This was a post I wrote about a year ago.  Diagnosis, 4 months of chemo, mastectomy & reconstruction, and 14 radiation treatments had taken their toll on my body and heart.  It was not a good day. But, I had the gift of a new one.  The gift of tomorrow, and many more tomorrows.  I am so grateful.
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Journal 2-2011

I have come far.  I have so much to be thankful for.  There are many ups and downs.  Today was a down, I write about it below… but I’ll get back up there.
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{Halfway radiation point & “down” isn’t my best look..but I do like my  new hat that looks old:)}
Journal
I was late for radiation today.
It was a hard morning…I just could not pull myself together in time.
My radiation therapist, Mr. Brad, was so kind, reassuring me that they can be flexible, and that it was ok.
I told him a bit of my hard morning, he listened and said he would pray. 
Then, I told him, with tears flooding,

“I am weary”
He looked straight into my brewing storm and without hesitation, said:
 “but the Lord isn’t”

A nugget of truth that shot straight to my heart and immediately brought internal storm rest.  I exhaled and went on to face my day.
Oh Truth, sweet truth
From the written Word and the words of His people!
What would I do without Truth?
Truth has been harder to feel lately.
I KNOW truth, I SEE it, but it FEELS far away.  
Lots of “static” in the way.  
Busyness of thought that creates distance from grasping the feeling of truth.
I know I create some of that static, and I know that giving up a medication and adjusting to that give up creates static.  I also know some of it is just life right now.  
It. Just. Is.
This said static got the best of me this morning–it was oh, so loud–it comes and I kick and fit and shake my fists.  Eyes up, head down, at times– in hands.  Tissue thrown in piles on floor.
I blurt my static…to Him.  To husband.  To my Carma friend.  
Words of “whys” and “no’s” and fears and questions and closed hands and fed ups..my words.
“But Lord…”
“No Lord…”
“Enough Lord..”
Vivid dreams have turned from normal into nightmares.  Can I just have one day of my life before?  I don’t want this unknown anymore.  I want concrete, expected, easy.  I want pretty, no scars.
Lord, do you see?
My Lottie-3 -year- old- Mae, the bravest fighter, her mother torn from baby sister to seek treatment far away.  Leukemia in a child is enough, Lord, enough.  But..bacteria infection and pneumonia, too?  Families who love and yearn, torn from each others presence? It seems too much..  
Lord, do you see?
The man after me, there for radiation therapy.  The only color in his face are blood shot eyes that are hollow, but still smile at me.
Lord?
My husband, who deals with enough by dealing with me. He is sitting at table, deep in thought, while shuffling the mounting bill piles, doing his best to make them all fit.
Lord.
The statistics they scare me, why can’t I have a concrete answer?  Please?  Stage 3a or Stage 3b? Which one is it?  It matters to me.. 70% or 39%?  Why can’t I let go of the numbers? Hands grasped, closed tight.  Digits grasping digits.

Oh Lord, and these women…  
These dear, strong, fighting women.
Women who have felt lumps, endured scans, had parts of themselves cut on and cut out, allowed chemical chemo to flow through veins and radiation to burn both good and bad cells, who felt razors and cold air on scalp, have to take pills that keep wombs empty and all the while are wives and some mothers and burden bearers for each other.  Oh Lord, these women! 
 Lord, do you see?
So. Much. Static.
The above is enough there is so much more.  Unnamed more.
Lord?…?
Then.. my Lord… 
My GOOD, good, God…
He whispers to me.
“Yes, Amy, I see.”

“I know you are weary, but I am not.”

I SEE.  I, too, wept. 
I KNOW.  I, too, have scars.

I can handle your cries to me, My child.
I’m so glad you’ve come to me… 
For I am the Way.  The Truth. The Light.

I will make sense of tragedy.
I will be your burden bearer.  
Hand over the load. I was meant to bear it, not you.

Endure, child.

You know on this earth there will be pain and trials.
It was not meant to be this way, but it is.  
I will fulfill my promise to make it all right again, in my time.

This is what it is in an imperfect, sin- infested world.  
This is why I sent my Son, for a way out of it all.

You’ve tasted the hand of bitterness, do not let hatred numb your sorrows.  
Do not clinch your hand closed tight.


The wise hand opens slowly, to lilies of the valley and tomorrow…to Me!


I gave you the words to this song in your heart.
I gave you these words years ago, knowing you would need them in these fist shaking moments.

“This is what it means to be held, how it feels..
When the sacred is torn from life and you survive
This is what it is, to be held, and to know that the promise was 
when everything fell, you’d be held.”

I am holding you.
I have not promised a pain free world and life.  
But, I have promised that I AM Life, the Way, 
and I will be holding you every step.

These are God’s whispers to me.

I listen.

I search Youtube and find that song.
I listen again.

The static volume lowers to just a whisper and I find truth–and I am held.
{Words To Natalie Grant’s “Held”}
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Fear Will Not Rule

I meet some of them most amazing people in blogland.  I am always amazed at how deeply one can care for another, despite never having met in person.

I want to introduce you to someone I love and care deeply about.  Her name is Ashley, and she blogs over at Lil’ Blue Boo.  I think the whole world should know Ashley.  She is a warrior fighter, one of the most peaceful and joyful ones I have ever seen.  Her blog tells all about her and her story, so I won’t go on here, but I had to share her joy with you.

Something else I wanted to share with you is a shirt that was just made in honor of Ashley.  I HAD to buy it.  Its message is super personal to me, and strongly states a lesson I have been learning that past year and a half.  It also supports Ashley, which makes it extra special.  Want one too?  You gotta hurry..they are only on sale until the 16th, 10:00 p.m. Go here to place an order.

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Strong But Scared

Once in awhile, I come across something that will just hit me in the gut, and all my fears return.  Honestly, this is not a bad thing.  It reminds.  It causes me to reach out to the source of my true Strength.

This happened last night, as I was reading up on the Susan G. Komen controversy, and by clicking on some links I stumbled upon one of the most beautiful examples of love I have ever seen.

A photo documentary of his wife’s battle with cancer.

A husband, a photographer, who captures his wife’s journey through the lens of his camera.  It stopped me in my tracks and I was glued, watching with immediate tension on my insides.

I can talk the brave talk, as in this post that I wrote where I speak of “laughing at the future.”  Most days I truly am able to laugh, and I face the future with a peace and a smile, thankful for each moment.  But then, last night in the midst of pink ribbon controversy, I see the reality of what my future very well could entail.  I think of that pretty little pink ribbon, wrapped all nicely looped, and how it so does not represent well.  Breast cancer, any cancer, is not pretty and pink.  It is ugly, terrifying, messy, and rips loved ones away from each other.

Frankly, I don’t want to talk about pink ribbons or the money making games that seem to always come along with it, so I won’t.

But I will tell you of this beautiful brave soul, whose story started out as mine.  Our cancers exactly the same type. Lobular.  Our tumors exactly the same size. 6 cm.  Our treatment exactly the same. 4 months chemo, 5 weeks radiation, a double mastectomy, reconstruction. Our men both full of love for us.

Here is a excerpt from their about me section:

In September of 2007, I married the girl of my dreams. Five months later, Jennifer was diagnosed with Stage 3B Breast Cancer. Completely numb and in a state of disbelief, we entered the world of cancer. A double mastectomy, four months of chemotherapy, five weeks of daily radiation, reconstructive surgery and finally we were told that Jennifer was free of cancer. It was just after our first anniversary.

Cancer, however, opted again to interrupt our life. Some two years after Jen’s initial diagnosis, we received news that the breast cancer had metastasized to her liver and hip; ultimately the cancer made its way to Jen’s brain. A little over a year and a half after this second diagnosis, Jennifer passed.

 I know this is my reality.  That this amazing woman’s story could very well be mine.  As hard as it was to look at their journey, so brilliantly captured by a loving husbands lens and words, I am grateful.  I am grateful for this REAL awareness.  So raw that I could not turn my eyes away from his words.  So real that I had to read his entire blog, despite the tears it brought.  I read with tears running.

This is cancer.  Not pretty pink ribbons.  Not pretty pink anything.  Mostly, shades of grey.

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Not As I Pictured

NATIONWIDE MONDAY NIGHT January 30: The award winning documentary “Not As I Pictured” on PBS WORLD stations will be reaching 50% of the nation’s television markets Monday in prime time. Check listings for your town here


Not as I Pictured is a 54 minute documentary film.  It allows us to go on a cancer journey along with Pulitzer-Prize winner John Kaplan.  He fights lymphoma with an amazing attitude, all the while being so very real.  I have the privilege of knowing the editor and assistant director, Jordan Pool, who did an awesome job.


Last spring, I was able to see this film as they gave away over 10,000 copies to cancer patients.  I fit the bill.


I was glued to the T.V. as I watched.  I could not believe how familiar it all was.  Right when it ended, I grabbed my journal and had to write, for I felt the moments and needed to express some of them.  I thought it was fitting to share with you all how it made me feel, on this night when his documentary is being shown nationwide.


Not As I Pictured 


His camera captured cancer,
and all that it entails.


His lens bring to life, a year and 1/2 of mine.


Our stories different,
yet same.


I marvel at his captured tidbits of my familiar.
So much familiar.


~the sound of the machine as it slowly drips poison that heals.


~he stands in front of mirror & holds his hair back to picture what bald will look like.  I, too, did this.


~his hands & pillow covered with hair.  I know.  Mine, too.  His expressed disbelief.  I feel his words.  I know.


~he is getting labs done, & strains his neck to the opposite side of where he will be poked.  We get labs done once a week, you would think we would get used to the sting.  We don’t.


~he used a tissue to open doors in public, due to a compromised immune system.  I did this, too.


~he puts numbing cream on his port, the same exact tube I used.  He speaks about how he does not care for touching the port area, for it gives him the “ebbee jeebies”  I  understand.  Me, too.


~he talks about how he must deal with the idea of recurrence.  It is a reality one has to come to grips with.  Yes.


~he talks about his port area, how it hurt like heck at first, and made it hard to lift his children.  Yes.  I know.


~his face winces in pain as they hook him up to a still healing port.  I remember, mine was still raw and oozing at my first chemo treatment.  


~his children draw pictures of him bald.  So did mine.


His life is not as he pictured, and neither is mine, yet, through his pictures I find life, hope, and I’m less alone.  Thank you, John Kaplan.

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Health & Heart Update

I’ve been wanting to update you all on my health for awhile now, but have had a hard time coming up with the words to express
 JUST HOW VERY THANKFUL I AM.

How do I communicate such joy and gratefulness?

My most recent blood tests show perfect hormone levels.  Perfect iron levels. Perfect calcium levels.  A vitamin D level to brag about (I have been working on getting this up, SO important for cancer, and immunity in general).  My liver and kidneys are working as they should. My blood cell counts are all great.  My digestive system is amazing.  My energy level is great.  No naps needed.  I only have 2 prescriptions that I take, which is a MAJOR change from the last year.

Who am I that You are mindful of me? Psalm 8:4

Perfect hormone levels are a HUGE gift.  A few months ago my estrogen was so high we were trying to decide whether to take out my ovaries or use drugs to shut them down.  Either option would bring on instant menopause.  I got a glimpse of what this feels like when I was adjusting to the drug, Tamoxifen, that I will take for 5 years.  Not fun.  I honestly think it has been many years since my hormones were where they should be. I think this contributed to getting cancer.  I have begged God at times to straighten me out.  It has been its own battle, and I can’t believe I sit here stable, with no emotional highs and lows.
God has answered a prayer that I have put before him since 2001, and He did it through cancer.  Without cancer, I would not have changed my eating habits to a plant based diet.  Without cancer I would not have had to switch from one anti-anxiety medication to another, since the first was not compatible with my cancer meds.  I dreaded the switch, it turned out to be exactly what my body needed.

His ways are mysterious.  Isaiah 45:15

Am I thankful for cancer?  No.

Am I thankful for what God has done in my life through cancer?  Yes.  A million times, Yes.

There are many things I have to thank Him for, but the one that makes my heart feel so full, is the perspective of eternity that it brings.  I see life in light of eternity now.  I tangibly get how this life is temporary.  I have felt glimpses of my body shutting down, the first week of my last chemo treatment was a scary feeling, to feel my body being overwhelmed, weaker than prior treatments  and staying weak longer.  It scared me.  I was so grateful it was the last treatment.

This perspective is one that I rebelled against at first.  I HATED that I had to come to grips with my mortality and live with the statistics that I do.

I had to learn how to come to grips with 50/50.

My Stage 3, 6 centimeter, lymph node involvement, 1ml. away from chest wall margin cancer gives me a 50/50 chance of being alive in 10 years.  Many survivors don’t like to know their statistics.  I had to know, so I could learn to live with them.

For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, to be content. Philippians 4:12

Easy to say that verse when I am in remission, have my energy, and things are looking good.  But I can honestly say that in the midst of battle, this verse became very real to me and I definitely came a long way in my lessons in contentment.  I believe the key to contentment is thankfulness. I may only have 10 years, but I know some that only have 10 months, so I give thanks even for scary statistics.  Perspective.  As I practice thankfulness, counting the many gifts, I literally feel like my heart will burst with thankfulness.

This in itself is a gift, recognizing that EACH DAY is a gift.

I have learned this by watching those I love, die. Cancer has brought the sick into my life.  Each one of them are a precious gift.  I will not allow their deaths to bring fear, they would not want that. I will learn from their courage.  I especially learned from my L girls words on her deathbed, “I am just so thankful for this day.”

I am learning from her words.  I am learning to look at the future and laugh, despite having a future that is unknown.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity. She can laugh at the days to come.” Proverbs 31:25

Don’t get me wrong, I want to grow old, I long to know my grandchildren, and see my children age.  I beg God for this, yet I am learning to say,

 “Not my will, but Yours be done.” Luke 22:42

I am learning how to say this because I have learned who He is.  He is trustworthy no matter what the future.

He holds the future in His hands.

Because of this, I lean into Him and rest, even in a future that could bring pain, loss, and death.

Many of you know that I read the book, “Jesus Calling“almost everyday.  It brings such truth to my mind, and I depended on it when I was sick.  There were very few days where I didn’t read it before lifting my head from my pillow, just so I could face the fears and struggles of the day that cancer brings.  Today’s entry was awesome.

I must share:

Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence

January 26, p. 63

(this book writes from the perspective of Jesus talking to us)

Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life.  Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties.  This is a false hope!
As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble.  Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of problem-free life in heaven.  Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me: the Perfect One.

It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances.  In fact, My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark.  That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit.  When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway.  I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

“Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man…
He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. Psalm 112:4,7

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Cancer Journey/ Drinks/ HEALTH/ Healthy Eating/ RECIPES

9 Reasons To Juice Your Greens

When I was diagnosed with cancer, one of the first things I did was order a juicer.  It was the best 99 dollars I have spent in a long time!  I had read Kris Karr’s “Crazy, Sexy Cancer Life” and knew she was keeping her tumors “quiet” for over 7 years using only nutritional methods.  The main practice that she swears by for her continued health is juicing her greens.  Juicing is also the main practice of the Gerson Therapy for cancer, and there are several blogs out there that I love that tell of survivors experience with this.

I drank green, beet and carrot juices all though my treatment and after when healing from surgeries.  I stayed healthy throughout my entire treatment (except for a weird ear infection from a small cut when chemo had my cell count low) and honestly felt like my immune system was stronger than ever during treatment.  The only time I felt sick and weak was the first week of all 4 cycles of chemo, and that was to be expected.  My doctors commented on how quickly my incisions healed, and I think what I put into my body nutritionally had a lot to do with it!

The last 3 months I have not been as regular with juicing, and I miss it.  It is an amazing way to start the day, and I definitely notice a difference in my energy level and my complexion/skin.  When I juiced regularly, I had a healthy glow about me.  People commented on it all the time.  I have been pretty regular with my green smoothies, but alternating them with fresh veggie juice is definitely the way to go.

Why Juice?

1.  By removing the fiber through the process of squeezing the pulp, we instantly lighten the load on our digestion. Nutrients pass directly into the bloodstream, and within minutes our bodies receive optimum fuel to feed our cells and help restore our immune systems. —Kris Carr


2.  Fresh juice provides vitamins, minerals, carbohydrates, essential fatty acids, proteins, phytonutrients, antioxidants and so much more!


3.  You will have increased energy.  This is one of the main motivations.  I love how energized I feel when I juice!


4.  Much of the goodness of fruit is locked in the fiber which is expelled from the body. When we juice the fruits and vegetables, their goodness is released from the fiber and we are able to drink their highly concentrated nutrients which are then able to enter our bloodstream very quickly. —Living and Raw Foods


5. The large amounts of concentrated nutrients one receives from juicing could never be eaten in one sitting.  Imagine trying to make a smoothie out of the same amount of veggies used to make 16 oz of juice.  You could never drink that much.


6. Drinking fresh juice guarantees you are receiving many of the nutrients you need.  Bottled juices on the market have lost most of their nutritional value.  Make sure you drink your freshly pressed juice right away, as nutrient loss happens fairly quickly.


7. It is a great way to use up fruits and vegetables that would otherwise go to waste.  I have felt so much better about my lack of food waste now that I have a juicer.  Fruits and veggies that are almost past their prime are perfect for juicing.


8. No matter how we try, man cannot replicate the amazing goodness that is in food that God through nature has provided for us.  A supplement is necessary at times, but nothing can compare or compete with what nature can give through real food.


9. It increases alkalinity.  It is said that diseases cannot thrive in an alkaline state.  Fresh green juice is detoxifying and contains loads of chlorophyll.  “Chlorophyll contains a powerful blood builder that’s said to increase red blood cells, improve circulation, ease inflammation, oxygenate the body, and counteract harmful free radicals. By eating (and drinking) a diet high in chlorophyll (raw fruits and veggies, especially leafy greens), we dine on liquid oxygen, the very substance we need to stay alive and thrive. —Kris Karr “Crazy Sexy Cancer Life”

My Go-To Green Juice
~big bunch of kale
~2 celery stalks
~1 regualr cucmber or 1/2 of a large
~1 green apple
~1/2 lemon
1 inch chunk of ginger (chunk in pic is too big, it is about 2 inches)
~~~
1 scoop vanilla plant fusion pea protein powder (optional)
Ice (optional)
I use organic produce as much as possible.  Peel your cucumber if not organic.  The peel of lemons, ginger and apple core is just fine in the juicer.  I have recently read that apple seeds contain a toxin, so removing those would be preferred.
After the veggies are washed, the process takes just a minute.
It really is easy, the hardest part being the clean up, which really is not that big of a deal.
Adding produce to the juicer
Liquid gold in my opinion!!
Left over pulp can be used in soups or to make homemade pulp crackers.  Or compost.
I add a scoop of vegan protein powder.  It has the sweet herb, stevia in it, which I think makes the flavor of my juice so much better.  If you like a tart juice, you can eliminate this step.  I put the juice in a mason jar, add protein powder, add ice, put the lid on and shake!  Add a straw and enjoy!!
I use the
I love it!  It is compact compared to most juicers, a great price, and easy to clean!
Really, clean up is easy with this machine.  The most work is that mesh basket, but it comes with its own brush and takes seconds.  The rest is just rinse and dry.
Have you ever juiced?  Do you have a juicer that you love?  Does this interest or intrigue you?
Did you know there are a bazillion juice recipes out there?  One of my fav–2 apples and 2 handfuls of fresh cranberries.  Homemade Cran-Apple juice is AMAZING!


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Books/ Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

Quiet Closing Moments of 2011

{Elaine & I, during our fight with breast cancer}

I am so excited to introduce you to one of my favorite writers and people, Elaine Olsen of “Peace For The Journey.”  I have never met her in person, but our hearts are entwined despite.  We both were diagnosed with breast cancer in August of 2011.  She was a gift to me, walked with me and is still by my side with her words. Her words got me through and lifted my head so many times during the fight.  Her mouth speaks truth, the type that shoots straight to the heart.  This post she wrote did exactly that, I am so thankful to have her words (despite her lack of voice, as you will see,}here at New Nostalgia!


{from Elaine}
My voice has been silenced in the last twenty-four hours. Literally. Sickness has claimed my vocal cords. This has never happened to me before, not completely in the way it has happened for me this time around.


My whispered shouts for the attention of others are met only by their silence. Not because they don’t care about me, but rather because they can’t hear me. Their listening isn’t prone to my whispering, so mostly… I’m ignored. Probably a relief to most of those in my household, but to a woman who’s used to being heard… a great frustration indeed. 

And I’m thinking…

About my voice. About my words. About needing to be heard. About what I will say when I am, again, able to say. 

And I’m thinking…

About quietness. About the value of forced silence. About going inward with my thoughts instead of outwardly displaying every single one of them. 

And I’m thinking…

About God. About his voice. About his needing to be heard. About his willingness to keep company with silence… with his thoughts, instead of outwardly displaying every single one of them. 

And I’m thinking…

About how very connected I feel to Him in all of this. About how my inability to speak amplifies the volume of God’s witness. 


How many times has the Father whispered my name in the midst of my chaos, only to be ignored because of the noise surrounding my life? My hearing isn’t prone to his whispering. But in silence—in this period of fewer, personal words—I more clearly hear the phrases from heaven.

Beautiful, peace-filled, stilled expressions of understanding from God’s heart.

My ninth grade English teacher once wrote in my yearbook, “Elaine, if silence is golden you can forget it.” Apparently, I was destined for poverty. Thirty years ago, I hadn’t a clue what she’d meant, and I couldn’t have cared less.

Today, I have a clue. Today I care more, exceedingly more. Today, silence really is golden, because silence has given me access to the whispers of home. And whenever that happens, friends, I’m the richest person alive. 

I’m so glad I know Jesus. I’m so glad he knows me. And I’m exceedingly glad for those moments when I am able to clearly hear his voice. What tender grace is mine as a daughter of the King! I pray that you know him, hear him, worship and celebrate him in the quiet, closing moments of 2011. I believe that God has something vital and important to whisper to each one of us. I’ll be anxious to hear from you in coming days. As always…

Peace for the journey,
post signature
Elaine is also author of the book: Peace for the Journey.  You can learn more about this amazing guide book to peace below.


I’m so pleased to be able finally tell you that “peace for the journey: in the pleasure of his company” is now available in an e-book format through:

Winepress (DRM free version, allowing you to read it on all popular readers)

Nook
Sony 

In addition, “peace for the journey” is available in paperback from many online retailers, including:

Winepress
Amazon
Barnes and Noble
Lifeway

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