Indescribable Peace

In Christ Alone by Owl City

It was over 15 years ago, I was 21 years old, a newlywed.  I was sitting in church on Easter morning, terrified, with the question of “what if?” on my brain.

The day before, I received a phone call while at work, hairdressing.  I was drying my last client of the day, and I was called to the front for a phone call.

On the phone was my dermatologist, whom I had visited just a few days before.  “I’m sorry to have to tell you this over the phone, but you have skin cancer, and it is the kind that is not usually nice. Melanoma.  If we caught it in time, you will be fine.  If it is in the bloodstream already, your chances of beating it are very slim.

It was a very short phone call, I went back to drying my client’s hair, not sure how I was holding on to the hairdryer, as I felt numb all over.

I don’t remember much of that weekend, but I DO remember that it was Easter Sunday, and as I was sitting in church, the only thing I heard the Pastor say was..“you can experience the peace that passes all understanding when you know Jesus.”

Right as he said those words, a deep peace came over me.  Fear took a back seat, and I experienced for the first time what that verse meant.  It was such a sweet feeling.

That was early in my walk with God, and over the years I have grown in my knowledge of what it means to walk in peace and to trust in the plan He has for my life.

It has taken many, many lessons, and many screw ups on my part. God has proven over and over that He is worthy of my devotion, that He is good ALL the time, and that no matter what, He will never leave me.

My melanoma was caught in time, and surgery was enough to get rid of it.  I was thankful but so young.  I’m not sure I really got just how blessed I was that we caught it in time.

Fast forward 15 years.  As you all know, I had another cancer diagnosis last year.  Again, I felt the numbness that comes with that phone call.  This time I was much older, wiser, and there was so much more at stake.

I had a husband of 14 years whom I had grown to love so very much, who I desperately longed to grow old with, and  I had 3 little ones who would hurt deeply if anything happened to me.

These facts made peace hard to come by.  If you followed my journey on Caring Bridge, you know my emotions were so up and down and my peace and trust were tested all throughout my cancer fight.

Fear raged, but, I also experienced a peace and trust that I never thought was possible.  I fell very, very deep in love with my Jesus who has been by my side all these years.

I’ve always loved Him, ever since I was young, but oh the sweetness of Him that I experienced in this trial.  Beyond what words can describe.

So tomorrow, I find myself facing yet another Easter Sunday, where I will sit with the question of “what if?”  I have tests next week to check a spot on my kidney, and there is a possibility that cancer has visited me once again.

I have realized something this time, though.  Fear has lost its grip.

That doesn’t mean it won’t rear its ugly head at times, but it does not consume me, and I am FREE.  This trust I have found, it feels like rest, and that is what I am doing.

I am in His hands and I am at rest.  I no longer feel panicked when I think of my 3 precious girls and that question “what if?”

I realized this week, that I finally, FINALLY I have been able to go even deeper into my trust and give them to HIM.

I know that the amazing God who has loved me all through my years will have their little hearts and will take care of them, no matter what.

And that man of mine that I love so very much?  I know He has him, too.

I smiled and felt a chill when I realized this.  As the song says below, “no guilt in life, no fear of death, this is the power of Christ in me.”

This Easter is a special one.  I am remembering.  I am remembering how He chose death, so I can be free from the fear of death.  

He hung on that cross and took on my guilt, so I stand here free of guilt, despite how messed up I am.  He overcame death so that I can have eternal life, forever with Him.

Lyrics:

In Christ Alone, My Hope Is Found
He Is My Light, My Strength, My Song
This Cornerstone, This Solid Ground
Firm Through The Fiercest Drought And Storm
What Heights Of Love, What Depths Of Peace
When Fears Are Stilled, When Strivings Cease

My Comforter, My All-in-all
Here In The Love Of Christ, I Stand

There In The Ground His Body Lay
Light Of The World By Darkness Slain
Then Bursting Forth In Glorious Day
Up From The Grave He Rose Again
And As He Stands In Victory
Sin’s Curse Has Lost Its Grip On Me
For I Am His And He Is Mine
Bought With The Precious Blood Of Christ

No Guilt In Life, No Fear In Death
This Is The Power Of Christ In Me

From Life’s First Cry To Final Breath
Jesus Commands My Destiny

No Power Of Hell, No Scheme Of Man
Can Ever Pluck Me From His Hand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power OfChrist

I’ll Stand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power Of Christ

I’ll Stand
Here In The Power Of Christ

I’ll Stand