In Christ Alone by Owl City
It was over 15 years ago, I was 21 years old, a newlywed. I was sitting in church on Easter morning, terrified, with the question of “what if?” on my brain.
The day before, I received a phone call while at work, hairdressing. I was drying my last client of the day, and I was called to the front for a phone call.
On the phone was my dermatologist, whom I had visited just a few days before. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this over the phone, but you have skin cancer, and it is the kind that is not usually nice. Melanoma. If we caught it in time, you will be fine. If it is in the bloodstream already, your chances of beating it are very slim.
It was a very short phone call, I went back to drying my client’s hair, not sure how I was holding on to the hairdryer, as I felt numb all over.
I don’t remember much of that weekend, but I DO remember that it was Easter Sunday, and as I was sitting in church, the only thing I heard the Pastor say was..“you can experience the peace that passes all understanding when you know Jesus.”
Right as he said those words, a deep peace came over me. Fear took a back seat, and I experienced for the first time what that verse meant. It was such a sweet feeling.
That was early in my walk with God, and over the years I have grown in my knowledge of what it means to walk in peace and to trust in the plan He has for my life.
It has taken many, many lessons, and many screw ups on my part. God has proven over and over that He is worthy of my devotion, that He is good ALL the time, and that no matter what, He will never leave me.
My melanoma was caught in time, and surgery was enough to get rid of it. I was thankful but so young. I’m not sure I really got just how blessed I was that we caught it in time.
Fast forward 15 years. As you all know, I had another cancer diagnosis last year. Again, I felt the numbness that comes with that phone call. This time I was much older, wiser, and there was so much more at stake.
I had a husband of 14 years whom I had grown to love so very much, who I desperately longed to grow old with, and I had 3 little ones who would hurt deeply if anything happened to me.
These facts made peace hard to come by. If you followed my journey on Caring Bridge, you know my emotions were so up and down and my peace and trust were tested all throughout my cancer fight.
Fear raged, but, I also experienced a peace and trust that I never thought was possible. I fell very, very deep in love with my Jesus who has been by my side all these years.
I’ve always loved Him, ever since I was young, but oh the sweetness of Him that I experienced in this trial. Beyond what words can describe.
So tomorrow, I find myself facing yet another Easter Sunday, where I will sit with the question of “what if?” I have tests next week to check a spot on my kidney, and there is a possibility that cancer has visited me once again.
I have realized something this time, though. Fear has lost its grip.
That doesn’t mean it won’t rear its ugly head at times, but it does not consume me, and I am FREE. This trust I have found, it feels like rest, and that is what I am doing.
I am in His hands and I am at rest. I no longer feel panicked when I think of my 3 precious girls and that question “what if?”
I realized this week, that I finally, FINALLY I have been able to go even deeper into my trust and give them to HIM.
I know that the amazing God who has loved me all through my years will have their little hearts and will take care of them, no matter what.
And that man of mine that I love so very much? I know He has him, too.
I smiled and felt a chill when I realized this. As the song says below, “no guilt in life, no fear of death, this is the power of Christ in me.”
This Easter is a special one. I am remembering. I am remembering how He chose death, so I can be free from the fear of death.
He hung on that cross and took on my guilt, so I stand here free of guilt, despite how messed up I am. He overcame death so that I can have eternal life, forever with Him.
In Christ Alone, My Hope Is Found
He Is My Light, My Strength, My Song
This Cornerstone, This Solid Ground
Firm Through The Fiercest Drought And Storm
What Heights Of Love, What Depths Of Peace
When Fears Are Stilled, When Strivings Cease
My Comforter, My All-in-all
Here In The Love Of Christ, I Stand
There In The Ground His Body Lay
Light Of The World By Darkness Slain
Then Bursting Forth In Glorious Day
Up From The Grave He Rose Again
And As He Stands In Victory
Sin’s Curse Has Lost Its Grip On Me
For I Am His And He Is Mine
Bought With The Precious Blood Of Christ
No Guilt In Life, No Fear In Death
This Is The Power Of Christ In Me
From Life’s First Cry To Final Breath
Jesus Commands My Destiny
No Power Of Hell, No Scheme Of Man
Can Ever Pluck Me From His Hand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power OfChrist
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power Of Christ
Here In The Power Of Christ
AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 9:35 pm
Amy. so strong you are in your faith.. I admire you so much..
Thanks for sharing your journey with all of us.. Know you are thought of & prayed for by SO many , many that have shared your journey.
May our Lord Jesus Christ continue to bathe you in HIS PEACE !
D. WattersApril 13, 2012 at 3:50 pm
As others, I too, stumbled across your blog through Pinterest. As a breast cancer survivor of 12 years, I found that through Love, Faith and complete submission to my Lord, he will heal me or have me take different journey. Either way, I will win. My heart and prayers are with you and your family and to thank you for you opening and sharing your testimony. May the Lord wrap his loving arms around you in every step you take.
eakitchApril 10, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Amy, my prayers are with you this week. I’m so glad to have found your blog and am daily inspired by your ability to see beyond the temporal.
elaine @ peace for the journeyApril 10, 2012 at 12:57 am
Standing with you in hope for the future, sister-survivor. God’s peace is an amazing peace, not as the world gives but only as he can give. I’m so glad you’re resting in it this week.
reneebApril 9, 2012 at 7:40 pm
I thought of you and your incredible attitude/strength many times throughout the day yesterday.
RoisinApril 8, 2012 at 11:00 pm
My dear, how beautiful is your faith and trust. I will pray for you; for your healing, but also for continued peace, trust and an even stronger faith. HE IS RISEN! And He has overcome death. God bless and keep you and yours.
QueenieApril 9, 2012 at 2:48 am
You always challenge me, Amy. Thanks for always encouraging us to walk closer with Jesus, more in love with him. (BTW,”In Christ Alone” is probably my all-time favorite song.)
PatriciaApril 8, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Stunning; with a beautiful strength.
Happy Resurrection Day!
RosesArePink2April 8, 2012 at 8:09 pm
Praying for good results! Thanks for your uplifting posts! God is good and all powerful! You cannot lose!
marleceApril 8, 2012 at 7:14 pm
you have quite the ministry the way that you just live your life and show your faith. Happy Easter and thank you for your story, thank you Jesus for YOU! Bless you today, and I ask God’s covering on results tomorrow.
RobynApril 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Amy, your post made me cry. Thank you for sharing your deep and unabiding love in our Lord.. I too know fear when it comes to health as I’ve been battling for 20 years with my health and with no answers.. At some point we have to realize that in giving our lives to Christ it is not giving up , it is living in Christ who can do anything.. HE is ALWAYS there especially in our darkest moments of fear. God never lets anything happen to us that in some way is not for our good even if we don’t understand it… yet… I wish you and your beautiful family a most blessed and joyous Easter..
JennyApril 8, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Thank you for sharing your heart… I will be praying with you. God is our healer and redeemer. I will pray for your health and continued peace that comes from His spirit alone. Blessings!
MichelleApril 8, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Amy,thank you for sharing your journey with us. I love this song and it always brings a tear to my eye when we sing it in church. I’ll be thinking of you this week and saying a little pray for you.
Melissa KieferApril 8, 2012 at 11:36 am
you, your writing, your soul, your faith = beautiful. you are much admired. blessed be.
PamelaApril 8, 2012 at 2:16 am
Oh, Amy, what a beautiful testimony for you to share with us. I’m praying with you, and praising the Savior of the world for the gift of His peace.
Kimberly Barillas-TilleyApril 8, 2012 at 5:17 am
Amazing.That’s our Jesus!
shellycoulterApril 8, 2012 at 2:06 am
Thank you for the reminder of where our hope and strength come from. I love reading your blog…I am always encouraged! But what I really love is that it is always an encouragement that nudged me and spurs me on toward knowing and trusting God and his promises. Thanks!
karen gerstenbergerApril 8, 2012 at 1:33 am
Amy, thank you for sharing your heart, your mind, your faith and your journey with us. I know that what you say is true. He is Love, and we are His, thanks be to Him!