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5 Minute Fridays/ Spiritual

Trust & A Health Update

PROVERBS-3-5-TRUST

Participating in  5 Minute Fridays. 5 minutes to write about one word. Unedited.
This week’s word: TRUST
………………..
GO:

My last health update was last May, and I was in searching for answers for an extreme nausea that I had been experiencing for weeks.

20 pounds lost, watching the scale go down brought on such fear and anxiety.

A summer full of tests & more tests, still no answers.

No sign of cancer brought some relief to my fear, but unknowns still abound–yet I will trust.

I went off cancer meds, thinking they were the culprit, but they were not.  Adjusting to going off of them & then back on was — an adjustment. Chemical menopause, then not paused, then chemical menopause once again brought more than pause, it stopped me in my tracks.  There were many days of crying out to God in despair.  I wanted answers. I wanted normal. I wanted to be able to feel well again & write well again, instead of forcing yet another recipe post.

I am feeling better and finding my normal.  Anti-anxiety medication seems to be the answer I needed to bring back normal, for cancer meds don’t just steal my hormones but what seemed to be the whole of who I am.

The nausea still lingers in the mornings, but yet another medication has taken the severity of it away and I am able to eat again and my weight has stabilized. I am so. very. thankful.  A bit of weight has been gained, & so has my trust.

God was near this past year. I have been running hard to Him in the hard moments, for hard moments turn to precious in His presence. It is in these hard life moments when desperation gives no choice but search His words for help and hope, & He is always there, saying “Trust.”

STOP.

…………….

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

A Health Update & The Best Girlfriends

Hello & Health Update

I have this special group of girlfriends.  We are not able to get together as a whole very often, but when we do–world watch out! We wine, dine & “go there,”  opening up our worlds and hearts to each other, knowing it is one of the safest places to do so.

Because we are not able to get together often, much of this opening of hearts and worlds happens in a Facebook group that we have formed.  It is the place of many smiles and inside jokes, but most often it is the place where we place our prayer requests.

After I wrote this health update, I let my sweet group of friends know about it and asked them to pray for me.  For some reason it took me longer than usual to update them.  I’ve been quiet, a bit withdrawn.  I blame nausea for this. When it lasts at least half the day, it seems to take me the rest of the day to recover emotionally, and then it starts over the next day. So, it has made me quiet.  And tired.  I spin my wheels trying to keep up with life, most of the time in a weird spot of wanting to be busy but being so very tired from just putting one foot in front of the other and a smile on, yet, busyness has brought relief. My girls keep me busy and driving them around is about the only thing that feels normal right now as my body sure doesn’t. And since I’m being honest I suppose it took me a bit to ask for prayer as there is a part of me that is not just physically tired but also tired of being the ‘sick girl.’

I want to be well and strong and happy and fun!

Sometimes life has other plans and they are not fun.

But here is the deal.  God shows up even in the ‘not fun.’  He does.  I’m in the middle of typing this not-so-fun post and my Facebook messenger dings and it is one of my girlfriends from the said Facebook group, who has been praying for a job but that prayer is not yet answered so she has time and wants to be with me during my upcoming scans.  This is the first time I have not asked anyone to come with me.  I am not sure why, it’s just that ‘quiet’ thing I guess. This new ‘a-bit-withdrawn’ me.  Not really knowing what I need or will want moment-by-moment but God sure does.  I’m not sure if we can work it out for her to be there, but just knowing she was willing was a God-kiss for me.

The responses I got from my sweet friends in my Facebook group were so dear. One tells me she is “praying peace over and around” me.  Another sent me the song I post below that just soothed me and was what I needed to hear. It really hit me while listening to it how I’ve been consumed with trying to solve the mystery of my health, trying to figure out why I have been feeling so sick, instead of just resting and trusting. I confessed my anxiety to the group and she also reminded me to hold every thought captive & worship, worship, worship our God. What better advice could one give? I needed it and my heart received it. Such sweet love.

By the time I finished this post my sweet friend group offered to come by an evening this week to pray for me, led by one who told me she has been praying Luke 7:50 at 7:50 a.m. for me every morning since writing my last ‘health update’ post. Yeah, overwhelming love.

+++++++

So scans.  It has been 2 years and my Oncologist wants to look inside and make sure we are not missing anything with my new symptoms of nausea, weight loss and fatigue.  She is also giving me a month-long break from my cancer meds, including my dreaded monthly shot that places an implant under my skin each month to shut my ovaries down. She wants to see if that is what is causing the symptoms.  My next one is due on Friday so if I start having relief from symptoms around that time then maybe the cancer meds are the culprits.  If so, well, that is another post, and I will keep you  updated.

In the meantime, I’m going to obey my girlfriends and trust our very trustworthy God and worship, worship, worship!

Psalms 59:16 But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.

 

worship763c42eee263343cdff439baa

 

 Trust

noun
  1. 1.
    firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

 

 I Will Trust In You

by Lauren Dangle

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

I will trust in You!

 

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

A Health Update

Hello & Health Update

I’ve been saying in the last few posts that I have not been feeling well, so I thought I would fill you all in on what’s going on with my health.  It has been a long time since I last did a health update, and honestly I have been digging my heel’s in and just hoping in time I would feel better. Instead, I thought it was time to fill you all in.

I am still in remission–praise God!

We are not sure what is causing my health problems, which includes pretty severe nausea most days, starting in the morning.  I wake up almost every day with a case of the dry heaves.  I never throw up, of which I am most grateful for.  Despite this, the amount of nausea I feel during the day has caused my appetite to become very low.  I am most hungry in the evenings and that is when I try to get as many calories in as I can.  Despite working on getting calories in, I’ve lost about 18 pounds the last few months.  I really hope to not lose anymore!  I am on some anti-nausea meds, but their help is minimal and they make me want to sleep, sleep sleep!  Have you noticed I am not doing as many recipe posts here at New Nostalgia?  I still have to cook for my family, and eat myself, so you will see them occasionally still, just not as often until I start feeling better!

Along with the nausea, I have had digestion issues.  I have always had a strong digestive system, so this is all very new for me.  I say new, but it has been going on since January.

Yes, January.  To be real and honest, it is starting to wear on me.

We are working with my primary care doctor, my Oncologist, & my Psychiatrist to try to figure out what is going on.

We started with getting me off any mood med, knowing that the side effects can cause nausea.  That didn’t go so well and has been a rough road as I tried getting back on my normal mood med and I just was not able to tolerate side effects.  I have found another, but it does not take me to where I really would like to be when it comes to stability, but for now, it will work.  I think all the unknowns of what is going on with my health has really made my anxiety rise and honestly I have felt anxiety like I never have these last couple of months, which really can’t help anything!

I started to feel better last month after detoxing off all mood meds (this was a very long road) and sticking with one.  But then…my monthly injection happened and it sent me on this downward spiral, both physically and emotionally.  I wish I could explain better how it feels. Emotionally it feels like someone put a lid on me and on my joy.  Things I used to find such joy in are now just kinda ‘eh’ and I also have found myself quite restless.  My morning nausea came back in full swing and so did my anxiety. I told myself and my Todd I will never have that shot again, as it seems to me that  it is the cause of all of this misery.

We meet with my Oncologist on Tuesday and I know she will not be too pleased to hear this.  This shot is what shuts down my hormones as my cancer was fed by hormones and protects me from recurrence.  She will probably suggest trying Tamoxifen again (which made me sleep my life away and caused painful ovarian cysts each month) or suggest having my ovaries surgically removed. The monthly injection (called a Zoladex Injection) is a way to chemically shut down my ovaries, so I can see Doc wanting to just remove my ovaries.  Many women in my shoes with my type of cancer get this operation done, and I will probably do so, but I feel very fearful about this surgery as it is permanent and what if I feel just as sick with them being permanently gone, not to mention my moods?   I will not have the luxury of supplementing with hormones, which is what most women who have had this surgery (including Angelina Jolie) do to have stable hormonal health.  If you are a cancer survivor and have had this surgery with no hormone supplementation, would you let me know how you are doing? I would love to hear from anyone who has walked this road.

I also have an appointment with a Gastroenterologist in mid June.  I would have loved to have seen one sooner, and have been on a waiting list, but boy these guys are busy!  I am very curious to know if they find anything wrong with my gut or have any answers for me.  I need reassurance from them that this is not cancer returning to my stomach, as with lobular type cancer, the stomach can be a more common place for cancer to return.

My Primary Care Doctor has already done blood work, a stomach ultrasound, and checked to see if my gall bladder is functioning properly.  All came back normal.  Yay!

So that is it in a nutshell.  It is hard to explain how consuming health can be, especially when one experiences nausea the majority of the day.  I know it could be so much worse, but I also know life has changed drastically for me the last few months.

I find myself fighting and facing fear with all of the unknowns, but I do know God is with me and has been so faithful in the past to show me what path to take.  I feel like I have recently lost my way a bit in just resting in that, but I still know it to be true.

I am seeing a new therapist whom I just adore, and she just keeps leading me to the truth that God has got it all.  I am excited to share with you as I learn and grow and glean from her.  I will also keep you all informed on how I am doing.

You all have always been such a supportive community.  You read and applaud the sponsored posts I do hear at New Nostalgia, which is such a blessing to me and to our budget,  and you read and are with me in these more raw and vulnerable posts, too.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a great community of readers.  Love to you all! <3

 

Prayer Requests If I May:

~emotional stability, especially when it comes to anxiety

~to have peace about doing the surgery if that is the next step

~answers to what is causing nausea and stomach issues.

~that the doctors can all collaborate somehow (Oncologist, Gastroenterologist, Primary Care Physician and Psychologist) and come up with the best solutions for me. Right now I feel like a ping-pong ball going from one to another.

~for peace and joy

5 Minute Fridays/ Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Staying Open When You Want To Grip Closed

open

Participating in  5 Minute Fridays. 5 minutes to write about one word. Unedited.

This week’s word: OPEN.

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GO:

“Open your heart, open your hands, keep open to me, my Darling.”

My Savior woos.

This temptation to grip tight & close, to go inward–it is especially strong as of late.

My actions would match the pit in my stomach, tight & gripped.

I know He has plans and purpose, even in the struggle…especially in the struggle.

This physical body, this shell I live in…it can be such a complicated thing. Physical, emotional, spiritual.  All entwined.

Yesterday I read the report of my physical body. A simple blood test brought rave reviews! High vitamin D levels, perfect blood levels, normal cholesterol. Blood pressure is nice and low. Oh, how I praise You!  I get to live!

So here is my prayer.  Lord, hear my cry!

Lord?  These medications I take to keep this shell of mine free from that which would kill me?

I don’t like them. I’m thankful for them, but I don’t like them.

They make my stomach clench closed.

But here is the deal.  I will remain.

I remain in you.  You hold me and have me.  Your hand is open, holding, cradling, full of the whole world and me.

I will remain in you.  I will open to your plan.  I will obey & humble & search and find.

I will walk, even stumble forward and will not give in to despair.

I will seek, I will find. You are here as You always have been, and always will be.

I will open.

STOP.

………………..

Amy-Complete-Necklace

As you can tell, I’m still struggling to find my center.  I feel we are close to finding some answers to make the medications I take a bit more bearable emotionally.  In a nutshell, the shot I talk about here and another medication that I take to sweep up every bit of estrogen and progesterone in my body seems to sweep up more than just hormone.  It sweeps up my spark, too, and it has been the biggest of challenges.

We are searching and finding some answers, but it all takes time.  In the meantime, I covet your prayers.

………………..

Can you relate? Has depression put a lid on you? Has anxiety got your stomach in knots?

There are answers.  Search for them. Fight for health.  Do what it takes.  Do not be afraid to reach out. Find a counselor. Find a trusted psychiatrist.  It is worth it, you are worth it.

Some simple things you can do for yourself at home that might help?

~take a detox bath

~meditate on the Truth of God’s Word

~tell a trusted friend

~take vitamins and supplements

~exercise…even if just a short walk

~take melatonin for sleep (ask your doc first)

~wake a bit early for quiet time, especially if it is the only quiet you get in a day

~never lose hope

Beauty/ HEALTH/ Natural Products

5 Reasons To Take A Detox Bath

DETOX BATH FAUCET

Why A Detox Bath?

 

1. To remove toxins.

Everyone is toxic to some degree.  Toxins are in the air, in our water & in our genetically modified foods. They are in the products we put on our bodies & even in the clothes we wear.  There is no avoiding toxins in the world we live in. Even before you leave the house in the morning, you have been exposed to numerous toxins.  The chemicals in your shampoo and soaps, your moisturizer, your makeup, your toothpaste…even the water that comes out of your shower head.  If you ate fruit & yogurt for breakfast –though healthy–the fruit contains pesticides and the yogurt (unless organic) can have toxins in it.

Dr. Oz just did a show showing that toxins from plastics are in almost everyone of us in the form of phthalates.  Our foods that come wrapped in plastic or in plastic containers, especially if they are high fat, absorb phthalates and then get into our system.  The plastic bags we use in our kid’s lunches have phthalates in them.  It seems it is almost inescapable…and  phthalates are just one toxin that affects our bodies in negative ways.

Another toxin that most people are exposed to is PCB’s in the lining of food cans.  Did you know that there are also PCB’s  on receipts?  It is used to prevent the color on paper from running or bleeding. I don’t know about you, but I am not in the habit of washing my hands after touching receipts–who knew we needed to?  There are numerous chemicals in cleaners that we use, paint we use in our homes, fertilizers we use on our yards — the list goes on and on.  Toxins are unavoidable in the modern world.

One can educate themselves and take steps to avoid many toxins, but in reading the above you can see that it is impossible to avoid them  all together.

The liver is responsible for dealing with toxins once they get into our bodies.  It converts them which makes it possible to eliminate them via our digestive system. That which is not eliminated in this way is eliminated through our skin in the form of sweat.

I can’t tell you the number of times I read in health books that deal with cancer that if you have cancer, your liver is not functioning correctly.  Believe me, we want our livers to stay healthy and functioning, but often instead, they are taxed by an overload of toxins.

 

2. To give the body a nice dose of magnesium

Magnesium is an essential mineral for staying healthy is often overlooked and under utilized.  Although you can get magnesium through food – almonds, wheat germ, fish, green leafy vegetables – it is not easy to meet your daily needs through food alone.

Detox baths are made with epsom salts which is magnesium sulfate.  Magnesium sulfate helps draw out toxins, and has numerous benefits all on it own.

Magnesium is an essential mineral required for more that 300 biochemical reactions in the body including transmission of nerve impulses, regulation of body temperature, forming healthy bones & teeth, & energy production.  It helps absorb calcium  and keeps osteoporosis at bay.  It brings relief from symptoms of menopause and PMS & minimizes the risk of premature labor — which I experienced first hand when it was given to me intravenously when I went into premature labor with my oldest.

Magnesium helps with insomnia, migraines, kidney stones, gall stones, & in the prevention of cardiovascular diseases.  It regulates blood pressure and helps in the treatment of diabetes.

Magnesium is also plays a very important role in mental health. It helps with panic attacks, stress, anxiety, and agitation. It reduces the severity of symptoms and helps reduce the rate of reoccurrence.  This reason alone moves magnesium to the top of my priority list!

Signs that one is deficient in magnesium include fatigue, headaches, insomnia, muscle pain, muscle cramps/spasms & problems with mental health.

Magnesium is absorbed through the skin, and my 2 favorite ways of getting it is through Ancient Minerals Magnesium Oil spray and epsom salt baths!

 

3. It is a great way to spend some time taking care of yourself

I live in the midwest.  We have been experiencing the most amazing fall weather, but this week the temperature is supposed to drop and get quite cold.  One reason I am looking forward to the cold weather of winter is so that I can get back to my detox baths.  Due to some medication that I am on to prevent cancer recurrence, I have regular hot flashes.  They were pretty severe during the summer, and the last thing I wanted to do was get into a hot bath.  Now that the weather is cooler, I am excited to get back into the habit of detox baths.

There is something about locking yourself in a bathroom — especially if you are a Mom– and getting into a hot bath for a few minutes of quiet.  Detox baths require at least 20 minutes, and I cannot tell you how rewarding just a few minutes of stillness and quiet is!  I usually use my bluetooth Moxie, and either listen to a podcast or some calming music.

 

4. It is incredibly relaxing & make for a great night’s sleep

I recommend taking your detox bath in the evening before bed.  They are incredibly relaxing and can make you feel quite sleepy, sometimes even weak.  The first time I took a detox bath it was shortly after finishing chemo and radiation, and I was full of toxins.  I got quite light-headed and nauseous after my bath & felt like I had the flu.  It passed once I drank water and rested for about 30 minutes and my body temperature came down.  I’ve read this is a normal response from someone who is quite toxic.  Every time I took a detox bath this reaction became less and less, until now I just feel very relaxed and good after a detox bath.  I tell you this so you are not surprised if you feel icky after your first detox bath.  It won’t last, and you will know that you are very much benefitting from the detox.

 

5. It helps soothe muscle and joint aches and pains.

The same cancer medication I talked about earlier has a side affect of joint pain.  I cannot tell you how relieving detox baths are to my aching joints.  It is drastic.  I step into the bath in pain and step out of the bath pain free.  It surprises me every time!  It has an anti-inflammatory effect that works very quickly!

 

Who Should Detoxify?

Really, anyone and everyone–unless pregnant or have high blood pressure or heart disease.  If you are in bad health, make sure you ask your doctor before taking a detox bath.

 

LOOFAH

How To Take A Detox Bath:

1. Fill tub with quite hot water.  Expect to sweat!

2. Grab a glass of filtered water to have close by.  Stay hydrated during and after the bath.  Light a few candles for ambience while the bath is filling up.

3. Add 2 cups of epsom salts to a standard bathtub full of water.

4. Add 1 cup of baking soda, which neutralizes chemicals like chlorine in the bath water.  It also helps the body absorb minerals and leaves the skin quite soft.

5. Add 5-10 drops of essential oils. This step is optional, but it sure makes the bath smell great!  I love lavender. I have also used tea tree oil and eucalyptus oil for extra detoxification and to wake up the senses and clear sinuses.

6. Switch all ingredients together in tub and soak for at least 20 minutes, working your way up to the ideal 40 minutes.

7. Expect to sweat!  You should start sweating within the first few minutes.  Remember to drink that water!

8. Get out of the tub slowly.  You might be light-headed so take it easy.

 

Detox Bath Recipe

1 bathtub full of hot water

2 cups epsom salts

1 cup baking soda

 

Optional Ingredients:

5-10 drops essential oils (optional) (lavender, tea tree, lemon or eucalyptus all works well)

1 Tablespoon ground ginger

 

Add all ingredients to the tub. Swish & soak for at least 20 minutes up to 40 minutes. Don’t forget to hydrate by drinking water!

Make It In Bulk

I love to mix up a big batch & store it in this large glass container.  I mix the salt & baking soda together-the above recipe x 5, and it sits on my bathroom floor looking all cute with a this 6 oz. silver scoop.  I then scoop about 3 scoops into the bath and then add my essential oils.  It is a great reminder to take my detox baths, & would make a great homemade Christmas gift.

 

Tips:

~If you want to extend the detox, wrap in a towel or fluffy robe and keep on sweating!

~Don’t let your hair touch the water–it would be too drying.

~This detox bath is great for colds and flu.  Eucalyptus is especially great for opening nasal passages.  Also good for colds and illness — add 1 tablespoon of ground ginger to the tub. Ginger increases heat levels and makes you sweat even more profusely.

~Don’t use harsh soaps or lotions after a detox bath.  The pores are wide open so treat them kindly.

~Before this bath, use a loofah or dry brush your skin to stimulate the lymphatic system. This will aid in the release of toxins.  Use long, sweeping motions toward the heart. I talk more about dry brushing here.

~Use coconut oil as a non-toxic after bath moisturizer.

 

………………..

Have you ever taken a detox bath?  What was your experience?

Are you a skeptic?  Maybe this article on Dr. Oz will help.

 

DISCLOSURE: Not intended for the treatment or prevention of disease, nor as a substitute for medical treatment, nor as an alternative to medical advice. Use of recommendations is at the choice and risk of the reader. New Nostalgia may receive monetary compensation or other types of remuneration for endorsement, recommendation, testimonial and/or link to any products or services from this website.

Emotional Health/ FAMILY

Mental Illness, PMDD, & Seeking Treatment

MENTAL-ILLNESS

I am so grateful for this community and your gracious response to my first post on mental illness.  You confirmed that it is something that needs to be talked about and I so appreciate your openness in the comments & your personal emails to me.

I found myself procrastinating again when writing this post.  It is hard to know where to start when it comes to an issue that is complicated and multifaceted.  I must start with what I know, and that would be my own personal story.

So here goes.

My anxiety disorder revealed itself fully, to the point that I could no longer ignore it, after the birth of my second child.  Specifically after I weaned her, which I find interesting, as my disorder has been very much connected to hormones and my female cycle. Double interesting is that my breast cancer was fed by hormones, which is a sign my hormone levels have been a mess for quite some time.

I clearly remember a conversation I had with my sister about moods and anxiety when my firstborn, Teagan, was not even one year old yet.  We were talking about parenting and how it could be taxing and hard, especially when there was a lack of sleep.  I vividly remember her asking if I had lost my temper or if I ever just got overwhelmed and grumpy.  I responded very honestly..”No.  It is bliss.  I just love being a Mom and it has been so very easy.”  I remember her being surprised with my answer, and I also remember that my answer was very truthful.

I remember struggling around that ‘time of month’, but nothing out of the ordinary, or what would be considered anything more PMS.  PMS was nothing new to me.  It was something I had with every cycle from my very first one.

Fast forward to the birth of my second child–sweet Colsie.  I was blessed with another easy baby, and was so enjoying being a young stay-at-home mom.  Teagan was 11/2 years old when she was born.  I weaned Colsie when she was about 9 months old.

My cycle became regular after weaning and my PMS returned, but it was so much more extreme than before.  I struggled.  I remember wondering why life seemed so hard and overwhelming.  I wondered if it was just the difference between having one child compared to two children, but that didn’t make much sense as my Colsie was such an easy, delightful baby.

I made it into a spiritual issue, and several voices in the church affirmed that in both the books I read and sermons I listened to.  “I just need to pray more, and have more regular devotional times.  This is a sin issue.”

I tried everything. Journaling, time in the Word, prayer and meditation, exercise (which seemed to help some) and herbal supplements.  I gave it my all but always felt like a failure as life was just so overwhelming.  I was so overreactive to the smallest things.  I especially noticed that noise bothered me.  I was always wanting things calm and quiet, and with 2 little ones that was obviously not possible.  My level of anger was way too high toward just normal kid things, like a 3-year-old getting out of bed over and over, or someone spilling their cheerios.  I couldn’t understand how my calm, patient husband could be so…calm and patient!  I would often look at him in disbelief that he didn’t feel the level of emotions and frustrations that I was feeling, and he would look at me back, I’m sure wondering why in the world was my reaction to life so over-the-top.

I did notice that my moods were pretty connected to my cycle.  It started with a week of PMS, but quickly grow to a good 2 weeks of extreme PMS, which left only 2 weeks of the month where I felt like a somewhat normal person.  Todd noticed the cycle, too.  I came to dread the bad times of the month, and watched the calendar with anxiety growing as the date drew near.

I had a good friend whom I really trusted and confided in, and when I told her just how desperate I was for change, encouraged me to seek some help and get medication if needed.  It was the first time someone gave me permission to even consider medication, as this was 12 years ago and there was still quite a stigma connected to mental illness and medication, at least in the circles I ran in.

It just so happened that conversation happened when I was due for my yearly female appointment, which meant my Colsie girl was about a year old. God seems to do that with me, as He promises–to work all things out for good and to lead when I am seeking answers. I went in and explained my symptoms to my gynecologist, and she gave me a pamphlet with PMDD on the front of it.  I opened it and it explained my symptoms to a T. Here was the part that stood out the most for me:

In PMDD, at least one of these emotional and behavioral symptoms stands out:

  • Sadness or hopelessness
  • Anxiety or tension
  • Extreme moodiness
  • Marked irritability or anger

I had the last 3 for sure, but not so much the sadness or hopelessness, unless Todd and I would fight, then I would feel extremely sad and hopeless.  But the anxiety, tension, moodiness, irritability and anger would seem to hang around for no reason, or was brought on by the smallest of things. It made no sense, yet would not go away.

PMDD also comes with physical symptoms, which stunk, but I’ve always been pretty tough with physical symptoms.  It was the emotional symptoms that got to me and made me hate myself. I was stuck in a cycle of acting in a way that brought on such shame and guilt.  I just didn’t get why it was so hard to respond appropriately & why I couldn’t will myself to just be the person I wanted to be.

Doctor suggested an anti-depressant.  I eagerly took it and was so very hopeful.

This is how I came to be on medication.  I have learned since that PMDD comes often with underlying anxiety or depression disorders.  I have never been formally evaluated, but I have gone to therapy and my therapist says for sure there is an anxiety disorder along with my PMDD, and also wondered if I was on the spectrum of the disorder of bi-polar, which could very well be as it runs in my genealogy  and I relate to many of the symptoms of bi-polar.

My story so does not end here, but I will stop here for now.  Stay tuned for more, I will tell you my experiences with medication & get more into how low the low’s got, and how I found freedom in listening to wise counsel, educating myself, prayer, and seeking treatment.

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How about you?  Do you relate to any part of my story?  Do you have any questions for me that you would like me to answer in my upcoming posts on Mental Illness?

5 Minute Fridays/ Emotional Health/ Love/ Spiritual

My Hands In His Hands

MY HANDS-IN-His-Hands

{participating in 5 Minute Friday-write for 5 minutes, with a prompt.  Unscripted. Unedited. Real.}

Prompt–Hands.

Go:

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I look at my hands and  see my mom’s hands.  I smile, I always thought she had the most beautiful of hands.

I think of all that has touched my hands…the things my hands have touched.

My little girl hands, holding a favorite Holly Hobby doll

My big sister hands, taking care of my little brother and little sisters, playing real house  while Mom has an outing.

My teenage hands, holding on to a boy’s for the first time & the thrill.

Hands in hair, I learn cosmetology.

Hands in chemicals everyday, I wonder if it contributed to my cancer.

Both my hands, holding his while dressed in white, saying vows.

The way his suit felt under my hand during our first dance as newlyweds. I’ll never forget that feeling of bliss.

His face, my hands feel the 5 o’clock shadow forming, I love this handsome husband of mine.

Her hands, our first-born, so premature tiny & perfect…attached to all 5 pounds of her.

My middle girl, her hands blue, shows the trauma of her birth.

The birth of my Avery, my Grandma Thelma’s soft hands on my arm while in active labor, her most precious prayer “May God be gracious to you, may His face shine upon you, and give you peace.”

Baby Avery hands, held by mine through an incubator,  fear – filled moments, yet peace.

My hands balled in fists, doing battle with God, leaning that pain grows me.

Hands lifted in praise to my Savior, how can I keep from singing and shouting His name?

Wringing in anxiety, these hands.

Hands making and serving food, my favorite way to love my family.

Fingers moving, typing, this dream job of mine called a blog.

Hands numb from the shock of a cancer diagnosis.

Tissues in hands, wiping away tears.

Hands can’t move, chemo lays heavy.

Top of hands bruised from multiple I.V. tries. It is surgery time.

Feeling for lumps and bumps, fingers roaming, wondering often if it is really over.

Date nights, always holding hands, high heels make me the perfect height to hold comfortably.

Her hands now anxious, mine learned and is learning release.  I work again to keep them open, for she belongs to Him.

Lying in bed, the heat of his body next to mine,my hand reaches out and find familiar.  Flesh of my flesh.

These life moments my hands have touched– have touched my hands– all the while in God’s.

His hands?  He’s got it all….  for He’s got the whole world in His hands!

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Stop.

 

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