Browsing Category

HEALTH

Music Renews/ Spiritual

Psalm 91

I bumped into my friend, Anna, this last week.  The same Anna I spoke of here.

Once again, she brightened my day, just being who she was created to be and sharing herself with me.   She shared with me a Psalm that had been on her mind, and encouraged me to not just read it once, but many times over, even once a day for several days.

When I opened my Bible, I was excited to see that it was the same Psalm God had used specifically, another time in my life.  I was facing rejection and an uncomfortable conversation I had to have with someone I loved deeply.  I remember so clearly, I was in my early 20’s, and I was terrified to have this specific conversation.  I opened my Bible to the Psalms looking for comfort, and chapter 91 brought just that.  I remember verse 5, that says “you will not fear…the arrow that flies by day.” At that time, the arrow I was so fearful of were words that I knew would be shot my way, verbal arrows that I knew could wound me deeply.

 I also remember and loved verse 4, where it says:

I walked into that conversation, visualizing myself covered with feathers, hidden under mighty wings, shielded from arrows.

  Held.

 

 I  knew I would be ok no matter what, because I could take refuge in GOD.

 He would not reject me–ever.

The conversation I had was hard, there was rejection involved, and I was actually cut off from this person for a period of time.  Yes, it hurt.  But…I was still ok. It did not define me or destroy my confidence.  In time, the relationship was healed and continues to be blessed.

The verses take on a whole new meaning as I read them in this season of my life.

They are so comforting.

He HAS answered me when I call to him. v. 15

He HAS been with me in trouble. v. 15

I know nothing will happen to me that has not passed through His hands first.  He is aware of me, He knows me intimately, He knows that number of hairs on my head! Luke 12:17

He tells His angels to watch out for me, and keep me!  So cool.

God seems to teach me things in themes.  Just a few days after seeing Anna and reading Psalm 91, I read this in my devotional book:

Jesus Calling:

Trust me, and do not be afraid.  Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly.  You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable.  Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher that you and your circumstances.  Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.

When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities.  Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new.  I lead you on from glory to glory making you fit for My kingdom. Say yes to the ways I work in your life.  Trust Me, and don’t be afraid.

{Psalm 91 Song By Lincoln Brewster}

10
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Breast Cancer Update-Scan Results

{below is an update, the 2 most recent journals from my Caring Bridge site}



MONDAY, APRIL 18, 2011 9:00 PM, CDT

Today was scan day.  



I had to drink 2 15 oz. bottles of barium.  
I remember drinking the same berry flavored barium way back in August when this battle started.  I sipped and gagged and complained and eyes watered.
Not this time. 
 I guzzled that baby, it went down smooooooth.  I buckled down and got ‘er done and felt pretty darn proud when I was done.  I think I’ve toughened up a bit in the last 8 months!:) 
But, just when I start feeling tough, I am humbled again.  
Due to an earlier allergic reaction to bone scan contrast, I had an I.V. inserted and Benedryl pushed, just to be safe.  The minute Benedryl entered my system, I reacted. Lungs tightened, heart raced, nausea.  I shook like a leaf!  I flushed, and was lightheaded–I thought I would faint. The very medicine that was supposed to keep me from reacting to the contrast caused this reaction!   This reaction happened in the waiting room in front of others– very humbling.  I am not sure why the nurse brought the injections into the waiting room instead of taking me back to a room, but I sure would have preferred a bit of privacy.
The nurse seemed baffled at my reaction and asked if I had anxiety.  That TICKED ME OFF! To me, it was clear I was having an immediate reaction to whatever she had just pushed into my IV.  I did a google search on Benedryl reactions and read that if it is pushed too hard/fast without diluting, that some people can have serious reactions, with symptoms similar to what I was having. I even read a nurses thread where a nurse talked about 2 different patients of hers coding due to a Benedryl reaction!  Whoa. 
We all know I can get a bit anxious about things, but that is NOT what was happening at that moment. Grrrr.
I laid down for awhile and was monitored.  I was a little annoyed because this put lunch off an hour and I WAS HUNGRY!!  Barium for breakfast just didn’t cut it for me:)
The rest of the day was fine.  My heart raced a bit when they pushed the contrast dye in, but it slowed down quickly so I didn’t worry about it too much, I was really too sleepy to worry thanks to the Benedryl! No rash so far, last time it showed up in the evening. 
My CAT scan was in the morning, when all this craziness happened.  It is a scan that takes sliced images, and they scanned from my chin to my hips.  
My  mom was with me and we went to lunch, then arrived back at the hospital in time for my 2:00 bone scan.  My day got much better once I was able to eat 😛
The nurse asked if I had any sore areas of bone, and I told her about my scapula pain.  She took 2 extra pics of that area, and said “I’m not a doctor, but comparing that scapula area to your last scan, they look the same”  I was so happy and relieved to hear that!  I’ve tried not to worry about this soreness, but I have…  
Toward the end of my scans, I turned to my mom and said “I have no groceries in the house and no plans for dinner”  She suggested I make breakfast food for dinner–eggs and toast or french toast.   Minutes later, my phone rings and it is my friend, Karma.  She is a three time breast cancer survivor who attends that church I do and has become such a sweet friend to me the last few months.  She said “I made extra Chicken Divan for your family, can I bring it around 5:30?”  I got off the phone and my mom and I laughed out loud at the goodness of God.  I didn’t have to make breakfast for dinner, although it was a good idea..:P
That was cool enough, but I later saw another reason why God provided dinner for us tonight.  
It was about the time I usually would start making dinner, and I got a phone call from a lady whom I have talked to but had never met.  I had heard about this lady from my Avery girl.  She told me there was a girl in her class whose mommy also had breast cancer.  I called this woman and told her I would love to meet her.  That was weeks ago. She called me today and said, “Can I meet you?  Like, now?”  🙂  I was not in the middle of dinner- makin’-craziness like I  usually would have been.  I was able to say “of course, I can’t wait to meet you, come on over.”  We sat and talked as Karma’s Chicken Divan warmed in my oven.  It was a wonderful conversation–this woman is amazing and I am SO BLESSED to know her!!

Romans 8:28

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

———————————



TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 2011 6:13 PM, CDT
I called my oncologist office 5 minutes to closing time.  I WAS NOT going to wait another day for scan results!

I am glad I did, because I learned my doctor is out of town until Monday!

I talked to a nurse, and she read my scan results, but kept telling me that Dr. Midathada could explain them further and answer any of my questions.

Here is what she said:

 CAT scan:
was NEGATIVE for signs of metastatic disease 🙂

It does show a dominate ovarian cyst, this is one we knew about as it had showed itself back in September, but there is growth.  The radiologist suggests that I have an pelvic ultrasound done to check it out.  Ovarian cycts are rarely cancer, but with my history she was sure my doc would want to check it out.  That’s kinda poopy.:(

Bone Scan:

There was still uptake in my rib area.  They called it “degenerative changes” on the report, and it sounds like it has progressed some? The nurse said they will want to do a bone density check on me.
When I asked her if that could be cancer related or a sign of cancer, she said she will have the doctor call me to answer my questions. Hmmm.

Sooooooo..

I am very, very thankful the scans didn’t light up everywhere showing cancer spread.  That is AWESOME.  My liver looks good, my kidneys look good, my lymph nodes look good, my chest and breast look goooooood:) Ha.  I am going to celebrate that!!!

But…

sounds like my life of doctor appointments will continue for awhile.
Oh well, what is a few more…I’m not sure what I would do with myself if my life was devoid of all doctor appointments…

My main prayer request is that we could get answers quickly, and all this appointment craziness will be over with by the time my girls get out of school for the summer.



6
Music Renews/ Spiritual

I Am Romanced

 

I take a spring walk, ipod in ears, playing the song “A Divine Romance” by Phil Wickham.

Fitting, for He romances me as I walk.

He places beauty along my path, then opens my eyes wide and allows me to see.

I delight like a child, my pace quickens, it has a slight bounce.

Everything is abloom, including my heart.

All is opening to the warmth of spring, coming out of closed bud.

Petals open with expectation.

I feel the same.
I, too, feel an expectation, a childlike trust forming and allowing this opening.

I open and He fills.

He gives gifts, so creative, so delightful!

On this walk, it seems He has left them all about just for me.

Scents of hyacinth, they rise up from the ground.

Their stay is short but full, and their scent leaves a lasting impression.

A squirrel, standing at attention on two hind legs.

He checks me out, then scurries away, mimicking my bounce with his tail.

A blue jay, twitters about, lands on a branch.
My chin is up as I pass, I’m straining to see.

Our eyes meet and it bursts out in song sung just for me!

It makes me smile, so!

I feel funny, bouncing along with this childlike grin.

Adding to the humor is my steel water bottle tucked away in my backpack.

The ice inside jingles with each bouncy step I take.

I am jingle bells in the springtime.

I think of a springtime, childhood, Easter song:

“Hear the bells ringing, they’re singing that we can be born again!!”

I do feel a rebirth.

I think back to last fall when all withered and died down.

Nature and me.

It was a harsh season. I wondered if I’d see spring–literally.

 

Spring is HERE!

It has brought about a new me that bounces and jingles and has eyes to see.

And–so typical–even in the midst of spring gift giddiness–

In the midst of open eyes and upturned chins

Life brings a reminder of my continued need of Him.

A nasty bug flies right into my upturned eye,

Within seconds I am distracted and fumbling.

Eye watering, makeup running, ipod dropping.

No mirror to get it out, and I’ve bounced too far from home.

A simple. childlike prayer:
“Lord? Would you help me get this bug outta here?  
I want it out of my eye so I can see the gifts.”

He does.

It is not pretty.

Bug guts mixed with mascara smeared on fingers and face.

It is messy.

 Life is.

But in the midst of my mess, despite the smeared ugly, I am still romanced!

The Divine romancer woos and whispers, wipes my face.

I open to His touch and His gifts.

I bloom and I continue on my walk, with a slight bounce.


Divine Romance –Phil Wickham

The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied



 

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

The “What’s Next” On My Cancer Journey

{do you love how I turn to the side so only one ear shows?? Bwaha!  Me and my ear insecurities…actually, I’m pretty much over it…pretty much.:)}
I recently took a poll and you, my readers, communicated that you want to hear my health updates, so that is what this post is.  It is the last 2 journal entries at my Caring Bridge site.  They are pretty informational about the “what next” so they will fill you in on where I am at.  If you want even more details, you are welcome anytime to visit me at Caring Bridge. 
Thank you for being such a caring community!!
——————————-

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2011 9:54 AM, CDT
Well, it was a bumpy week mood wise, but it seems like the road is smoothing out ahead.  We’ll see.:)

I saw Dr. Hinze, my plastic surgeon last week.  I always leave with a smile from his office.  THEY ARE ALL SO NICE.  The nurses were giddy over my new hair growth, which was “mussed up” by Dr. Hinze the minute he got walked in the room. He is so funny.  

I had 3 small scar areas that just were not healing up.  He took one look and knew what needed to be done.  There were 3 little suture knots on the inside that would not dissolve.  He fixed me up in minutes (my scar area is numb–thank goodness!!) and I am amazed!  I was so frustrated with my body that it just wouldn’t heal right, but just 4 days after his procedure, those spots are almost gone.  Amazing.

There is some asymmetry that he is going to fix in about 4 weeks if Dr. Midathada gives the ok.  I have ribs that flare a bit on the left so he will do a quick right implant exchange–gotta go bigger:-) It is a simple, outpatient surgery.  Healing should be easy, thank goodness it is my right side so he can make the incision on skin that was not radiated.  I AM SO EXCITED.  I really am happy with my reconstruction results, but this will take them from good to GRRREEAAT!:P

I have an appointment with Dr. Midathada, my oncologist, tomorrow morning.  I am eager to hear her thoughts and the “now what” plan.   

I will fill ya’ll in on the plan when we get on.
xoxo to you all.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the Lord & He will sustain you! 

—————————

TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2011 3:03 PM, CDT

My appointment with Dr. Midathada went well.  It is always so good to see her.

She was pleased with my energy level and checked me out thoroughly.  

My white blood cell count was a bit low, but she was not concerned and said I tend to run low normally.

I will be having scans next Monday.  A CT scan and a bone scan.
Scanxiety!
 Dr. wanted to have a baseline scan.  The bone scan will show if those original areas that lit up on my ribs went away, and will check a sore spot I have on my left scapula, it is about the size of a dime and has been sore for about a week or so. I notice it every time I reach forward. I did some sit ups last week, I am hoping I just came down too hard on it or something. ? 

I get to drink lovely contrast for scans–can’t wait!

We should have the results the following day–Tuesday–I will try to keep the “scanxiety” to a minimum until then.  I’m actually doing fine with this–so far.;)

I will be seeing her again in 3 months.  

She explained to me that there are certain types of cancers that, once the patient has hit the 5 year mark, she can confidently say that they will not see that cancer again, and if they ever get cancer again, it would be a whole new, different type. 
 She said for breast cancer and melanoma (I’ve had both now), she cannot say that.
 These cancers can return years after diagnosis, so I am to get comfortable with that reality and just be aware of my body’s signals and faithful with checkups.

This reality is one I have spent the last few weeks trying to come to grips with, and I know that as I continue to grow and continue to trust, that I will figure out how to fully live with it.  So much of the battle is with fear and unknowns, but God has shown me over and over that I am His child and that He’s got me no matter what.  He has shown me that He is faithful and trustworthy.  So it is my job to keep CHOOSING to trust.

Of course, my Jesus Calling book was perfect for the day.  I love that book!  It said:

TRUSTING Me is a moment-by-moment choice.  My people have not always understood this truth.  After I performed miracles in the wilderness, My chosen children trusted Me intensely–but only temporarily.  Soon the grumbling began again, testing My patience to the utmost.
Isn’t it often the same way with you?  You trust Me when things go well, when you see Me working on your behalf.  This type of trust flows readily within you, requiring no exertion of your will.  When things go wrong, your trust-flow slows down and solidifies.  You are forced to choose between trusting Me intentionally or rebelling: resenting My ways with you.  This choice constitutes a fork in the road.  Stay on the path of Life with Me, enjoying My Presence.  Choose to trust Me in all circumstances.
Psalm 31:14
But I trust in you, Lord;
I say “You are my God.”

2
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

It Is Not Too Late

One Day Too Late lyrics
Songwriters: Cooper, John; Howes, Brian;
I am at a weird point in my cancer journey.  It is quiet.  I have time to think and reflect.  I just keep thinking about how very blessed I am to have this TIME with my family and friends, and to enjoy God’s beautiful creation in the springtime.  My baby girl turned “8” recently, and I am just struck at how fleeting the moments are, and I so want to BE PRESENT and thankful in each moment.
I have felt frustration with my “ups and downs” lately.  I KNOW just how great it is to be alive and feeling good.  I LONG to live fully in each moment, but I also know that doesn’t mean each moment is going to be perfect, or that I am going to respond perfectly in the moments. I know there is a time to grieve and a time to laugh.  I just want to live WELL.
I have just learned of another cancer fighter, whom I have been following on Caring Bridge and praying for, is now at peace and in Heaven.  His faith, fight and family all have made a lasting impression on me.  
He has 2 girls, who are so beautiful and brave.  When I read that they went to school after learning of their dad’s early morning passing, I just cried for them and their hurting, brave, sweet hearts. 
It is a reminder to me that we just never know what life is going to bring, and we just don’t know the number of days– of moments we have.  The fighter I mentioned above had clear scans in October.  He didn’t know that come April his fight would be over, but God knew.  It is clear in their story that He is holding them all.
I don’t want to get comfortable.  When I get comfortable I get passive and I react to life instead of respond to the moments it brings.  I want to live with a purpose, an awareness of what truly matters.  This is why I love the above song, for it reminds.
Spiritual

Our Lenten Repentance Box

I read this post from Anne at Holy Experience, about their family Lent activity of repentance, and knew I wanted to do the same.  
———————–
A box to come to,
 throughout the Lenten season, 
confess to to our Creator, 
who promises to take our sins and
remember them no more.
Come Easter,
 we will bury our sins, 
just as He died and was buried, 
and then we will celebrate that He Is Risen, Indeed!!
—————————-
The timing of this is perfect for me.
If you read my Caring Bridge journal, you will know there has been much for me to repent of.
I will share one of my journals below.
I have been so thankful for a tangible way to show my girls that we can come to Him when we have messed up.  Repent, and release.  
————————–
“I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake,
And I will not remember your sins.”

——————————————————————————————

My Caring Bridge Confession Post:

Yesterday was NOT a good day.  One of my hardest since diagnosis.  For sure the most humbling.

It went like this:
Husband leaves for work~ I’m feeling weak and tired, not myself~ daughter wants to wear summer clothes on a 50 degree day~I say no~she refuses to get dressed~ I have a major meltdown and act more childish than she~ the intensity of my meltdown- words and actions- cause older daughter to fear and call Dad~ he leaves work ministry meeting to come rescue the situation~ he takes kids to school (I thought)~ I drive to nowhere trying to make sense of my meltdown/emotions~a text from Kathy, my mother-in-law, telling me she is praying causes me to find a destination and calm~school calls and says 2 daughters are marked absent~ I call Husband and melt when he tells me he has them, his love for them and me overwhelms~ I feel extreme shame that they were so upset they did not go back to school~ I spend 4 hours in Village Inn with my Bible and journal, trying to work through static and shame~ I shop for clothes, “maybe clothes meltdowns won’t happen if she had some decent ones”…a bandaid.~I grocery shop at Trader Joes and bump into a divine appointment named Anna, who is there only to buy me flowers and my girls some penguin gummies~ why? the interrupted meeting was at her house that morning, the one my husband brought two sad girls back to ~ we scoot to the corner in Trader Joes, she sheds tears for me-what love~ I find out later she had already showered love on my girls by providing a movie and snacks so the meeting could go on~when home, I start to meltdown a second time, I want to crawl in a hole, when I realize so many know of my shame~husband reminds me it is three women who know me, love me and care~he also reminds me I already tell the world my junk online:)~I sit online and I am overwhelmed by your guestbook comment love~I am overwhelmed even more when I see what is in my inbox, confessions of meltdowns from some of YOU~I read your confession words, I am in awe. I feel in very good company, those I admire most have been refined in the fire, found their way out of shame~I go to bed, ready for new mercies
——————————

From Jesus Calling, P. 100
Your weakness is not a deterrent to being filled with My Spirit; on the contrary, it provides an opportunity for My Power to shine forth more brightly.

—————————-
Oh, I pray this is true.  
This is all so humbling… embarrassing. 
I have said 3 times today I just want to get over myself so I can LIVE!  Then I remember that I AM living, that this IS life, and I am in the process of figuring out how to “live fully, where planted.”

I’ve got to figure out how to stop wishing for a different pot🙂 and see that the one I am growing roots into is the perfect one, handmade by HIM for me.

Thank you for having such compassionate eyes for me and my potting mess.
 

5
Spiritual

Learning To Dance




I have been quite reflective lately as I celebrate the end of the “big T’s” (chemo, mastectomy and radiation).  Looking back over the last 7 months of this fight, I simply cannot believe the goodness of God and how He has given me such sweet touches of Himself, letting me know He was holding me every step of the way. 

 This is a post, written last October in the middle of chemotherapy treatments, and it brings tears to my eyes to think of how my God and I have DANCED!
Sometimes, the dance was not pretty..at all.
I struggled against His lead–still do–for I am still learning.
But the dances that I have learned and overcome? 
They are sweet, sweet memories of my Savior holding me close, as we danced.
—————————————-
I sat at Starbucks for a few hours yesterday and spent some time reading God’s Word.  I came upon the parable of the Sower in Matthew 13.  It inspired this…
I am a seed planted lovingly by the Gardener.
He is in Control.

He takes care of me.

The seeds He plants are special. 
Special because He gives them choice
He lets me choose whether or not I will allow Him to sustain me.
He knows what is best for me. 
He watches over me when the storms and winds come. 
He asks me to remain planted, and allow Him to do the work. 
He asks me to just submit and to keep my face upturned to Him,  
 
Face turned, I dance in worship to the One who gives beauty and life.
At times the gardener must strip me, and it is painful. 
I wonder if I’ll survive the deadheading, the pruning.
Petals fade, head hangs low. 
It takes great effort –choice— to turn upward.
The season is cold, I lie waiting, the loneliness overwhelms.
I know my Gardener is there.
I believe His promise,
He cares for me, though I am weak and small.
 I know this, yet do I really trust Him?
In this storm, within the fierce winds, I hear His whisper…
”Trust deeper, my beloved one. I am here”
“Do you believe me?”
I want to. 
I want to believe that He will breath life into mine and make me strong again. 
I believe that spring will come
 But there is the problem.
I want spring to look a certain way. 
I want spring to bring the familiar.
I want to be planted in the same place that I was before, amongst those whom I love.
My Gardner knows this, yet whispers
“Deeper still…let’s go deeper.  Let the roots take hold”
He gently picks up my head and tells me to look around. 
I do and I see something
It takes me by surprise; it is so off-putting –so ugly.
 Weeds.

 I have replanted myself and have emerged into a place of shallow soil. 
Where can my roots go?
I am here, in the shallow, surrounded with weeds created by me.
As I laid in despair, weeds named “Fear” and “Control” sprung up and have choked.
They have stunted my growth.
They have taken my ability to re-seed and multiply the beauty of my Gardener.
When did this happen?
How quickly and easily they have come!
It started with one; he calls himself “Fear.” 
He has many friends
Their names:
“Anxiety” 
“Control”
“Selfishness”
“Resentment”
These weeds have seen my thwarted plans and losses,
They have taken advantage of my vulnerability.
I didn’t keep my face lifted, and in they quickly crept
The “friend” most familiar right now is “Resentment.”
He pretends to keep me company and points out others
They are unhealthy, but not yet diseased, as I am.
The question comes as I look at them –“why me?”
What an ugly question to ask
That is the moment “Resentment” introduces me to “Self-Pity”
I hang my head in shame
Oh my Gardener, forgive me!
Forgive me for allowing these weeds, these hideous pretenders,
They replace the real Truth
They take my face from You!
You have promised plans for me. 
I want those perfect plans
I want to take root and say “Come what may”
Please pull these weeds out of my way.
Rescue me.
Show me how to get out
Plant me by a stream of living water.
Where I can drink the peace that you promise to give
A peace that is hard comprehend.
I have known such a sweet peace.
I have tasted it before
I long for it again.
You tell me to lift my head toward You and empty my worry
You tell me to ask you for help
You tell to practice thankfulness, and to keep dancing, even in the storm

This is what brings peace
You pick me up and replant me exactly where I belong,
You shine on me and give me life
I will forever lift my head and dance for you, My Gardener

Philippians 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 58:11
“You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”


**I’m happy to be linking up to these parties.

She Speaks Conference
She Speaks Conference is “about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God.’  This describes my heart, so I have stepped out of my comfort zone 🙂 and applied for this SheSpeaks Scholorship.  We will see what God does with it, but going to this conference has been a desire of my heart for a couple years now, and I would get to meet HER!! So… I will wait with uncomfortable anticipation for the announcement of the winner!

2
Top