I have been quite reflective lately as I celebrate the end of the “big T’s” (chemo, mastectomy and radiation). Looking back over the last 7 months of this fight, I simply cannot believe the goodness of God and how He has given me such sweet touches of Himself, letting me know He was holding me every step of the way.
This is a post, written last October in the middle of chemotherapy treatments, and it brings tears to my eyes to think of how my God and I have DANCED!
Sometimes, the dance was not pretty..at all.
I struggled against His lead–still do–for I am still learning.
But the dances that I have learned and overcome?
They are sweet, sweet memories of my Savior holding me close, as we danced.
I sat at Starbucks for a few hours yesterday and spent some time reading God’s Word. I came upon the parable of the Sower in Matthew 13. It inspired this…
I am a seed planted lovingly by the Gardener.
He is in Control.
He takes care of me.
The seeds He plants are special.
Special because He gives them choice
He lets me choose whether or not I will allow Him to sustain me.
He knows what is best for me.
He watches over me when the storms and winds come.
He asks me to remain planted, and allow Him to do the work.
He asks me to just submit and to keep my face upturned to Him,
Face turned, I dance in worship to the One who gives beauty and life.
At times the gardener must strip me, and it is painful.
I wonder if I’ll survive the deadheading, the pruning.
Petals fade, head hangs low.
It takes great effort –choice— to turn upward.
The season is cold, I lie waiting, the loneliness overwhelms.
I know my Gardener is there.
I believe His promise,
He cares for me, though I am weak and small.
I know this, yet do I really trust Him?
In this storm, within the fierce winds, I hear His whisper…
”Trust deeper, my beloved one. I am here”
“Do you believe me?”
I want to.
I want to believe that He will breath life into mine and make me strong again.
I believe that spring will come
there is the problem.
I want spring to look a certain way.
I want spring to bring the familiar.
I want to be planted in the same place that I was before, amongst those whom I love.
My Gardner knows this, yet whispers
“Deeper still…let’s go deeper. Let the roots take hold”
He gently picks up my head and tells me to look around.
I do and I see something
It takes me by surprise; it is so off-putting –so ugly.
I have replanted myself and have emerged into a place of shallow soil.
Where can my roots go?
I am here, in the shallow, surrounded with weeds created by me.
As I laid in despair, weeds named “Fear” and “Control” sprung up and have choked.
They have stunted my growth.
They have taken my ability to re-seed and multiply the beauty of my Gardener.
When did this happen?
How quickly and easily they have come!
It started with one; he calls himself “Fear.”
He has many friends
These weeds have seen my thwarted plans and losses,
They have taken advantage of my vulnerability.
I didn’t keep my face lifted, and in they quickly crept
The “friend” most familiar right now is “Resentment.”
He pretends to keep me company and points out others
They are unhealthy, but not yet diseased, as I am.
The question comes as I look at them –“why me?”
What an ugly question to ask
That is the moment “Resentment” introduces me to “Self-Pity”
I hang my head in shame
Oh my Gardener, forgive me!
Forgive me for allowing these weeds, these hideous pretenders,
They replace the real Truth
They take my face from You!
You have promised plans for me.
I want those perfect plans
I want to take root and say “Come what may”
Please pull these weeds out of my way.
Show me how to get out
Plant me by a stream of living water.
Where I can drink the peace that you promise to give
A peace that is hard comprehend.
I have known such a sweet peace.
I have tasted it before
I long for it again.
You tell me to lift my head toward You and empty my worry
You tell me to ask you for help
You tell to practice thankfulness, and to keep dancing, even in the storm
This is what brings peace
You pick me up and replant me exactly where I belong,
You shine on me and give me life
I will forever lift my head and dance for you, My Gardener
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
“You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”
**I’m happy to be linking up to these parties.
She Speaks Conference is “about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God.’ This describes my heart, so I have stepped out of my comfort zone 🙂 and applied for this SheSpeaks Scholorship. We will see what God does with it, but going to this conference has been a desire of my heart for a couple years now, and I would get to meet HER!! So… I will wait with uncomfortable anticipation for the announcement of the winner!