Today is radiation treatment number 28–my last!
If you read my Caring Bridge journal, this will be old news. If not, my latest posts have been on radiation treatments, adjusting to the hormone therapy that I have to take for 5 years, and having to say goodbye to a medication that I have been on for awhile, and at times, miss!
I also have grown some hair, bleached it, and “wore it out in public” as my girls say.:)
{sorry about the cut off face. I was cheek to cheek with my youngest and I don’t post pics of the kids on my blog:)}
My latest journal post is below. I am celebrating, but in a reserved sort of way.
I look back on the last 7 months and I am so very thankful to be here!
I still have a little ways to go, and as you will be able to tell from my post below, some emotional baggage to attend to, but that is nothing new for me:) LOL.
Thank you.
Thank you for reading, for being so caring and willing to stick with me!
{Caring Bridge Journal~March 29th}
Wow-iee am I TIRED!
Zapped of energy, especially in the evenings.
I also have noticed as of last night that I just can’t get warm, it almost feels like I have a fever, but I don’t. Some other ladies I know who had radiation talked about feeling this way toward the end. Last night it took my winter pj’s, my big thick robe, and two comforters covering me to finally get warm. Our cold, gloomy weather has not helped!!
Tomorrow is my LAST DAY of radiation!
I am so very thankful to have come so far, and I am especially thankful that you have all come with me..your encouragement has meant the world.
I am surprised at my mixed emotions about it all.
I have to be honest and tell you that I am adjusting to and pondering it all. I can’t verbalize it well, but I feel like there is something keeping me from being super excited.
I am excited and so thankful that the big treatments are over, Chemo, Surgery, and Radiation…so thankful…but I am still adjusting to the ongoing process of having had cancer.
As my fellow fighter/survivor friend, Gina, said,
“Despite the hype of October awareness campaigns, “cure” is a misnomer. There is no cure for breast cancer, only a slowly-decreasing risk of recurrence.”
She so beautifully put what is a huge frustration for me…I want to be told I am cured. Instead, as fighters, we are left with the reality of an ongoing battle, with on- going scans and on-going smaller treatments and follow ups forever. With no black and whites. Only statistics and percentages. I even hesitated to write “having had cancer” I think “is it had or have?” We will never get the answers we want. We do not know if there were more positive lymph nodes left behind. We do not know if the cells that are left behind will behave and self destruct or grow into little colonies called tumors.
I have a hard time trusting scans. They tell me there is no cancer, then after surgery my path results show cancer. Scans are not perfect, and cancer has to be a certain size to show up on them.
I also have history of getting good news and then the floor drops out, so I wonder if my lack of excitement has to do with that. I’ll talk to my therapist about that one..:)
I know I have scans coming up, and a couple more minor surgeries, so these also add to the feeling of “I’m done but not quite”
Am I making any sense?? I apologize if this is negative, I truly am thankful, but want to keep it real.
So, I am going to celebrate the finishing of the big Treatments–it is huge that they are done and I am so thankful that “God has brought me thus far!” That is amazing.
But,
if I am not jumping up and down when congratulated, just know there is more to the journey and celebration will come slowly for me. I have a feeling my celebration will come in small moments, in the moments I feel so thankful to be here, the precious, everyday moments.
OR
Who knows, I may surprise you and jump up and down and do a celebratory jig when I get my energy back:P
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5
It was lust at first site and love at first use. I looked for awhile on the internet for the perfect stick vacuum, and decided on a Electrolux because:
, too!! Love.}
