Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Last Radiation Treatment Today!!

Today is radiation treatment number 28–my last! 

 If you read my Caring Bridge journal, this will be old news.  If not, my latest posts have been on radiation treatments, adjusting to the hormone therapy that I have to take for 5 years, and having to say goodbye to a medication that I have been on for awhile, and at times, miss! 
 I also have grown some hair, bleached it, and “wore it out in public” as my girls say.:)
{sorry about the cut off face.  I was cheek to cheek with my youngest and I don’t post pics of the kids on my blog:)}
My latest journal post is below.  I am celebrating, but in a reserved sort of way. 
 I look back on the last 7 months and I am so very thankful to be here!  
I still have a little ways to go, and as you will be able to tell from my post below, some emotional baggage to attend to, but that is nothing new for me:) LOL.
Thank you.
Thank you for reading, for being so caring and willing to stick with me!
Wow-iee am I TIRED!

Zapped of energy, especially in the evenings.

I also have noticed as of last night that I just can’t get warm, it almost feels like I have a fever, but I don’t.  Some other ladies I know who had radiation talked about feeling this way toward the end. Last night it took my winter pj’s, my big thick robe, and two comforters covering me to finally get warm. Our cold, gloomy weather has not helped!!  

Tomorrow is my LAST DAY of radiation! 

I am so very thankful to have come so far, and I am especially thankful that you have all come with me..your encouragement has meant the world.

I am surprised at my mixed emotions about it all.

I have to be honest and tell you that I am adjusting to and pondering it all.  I can’t verbalize it well, but I feel like there is something keeping me from being super excited.  

I am excited and so thankful that the big treatments are over, Chemo, Surgery, and Radiation…so thankful…but I am still adjusting to the ongoing process of having had cancer. 

As my fellow fighter/survivor friend, Gina, said, 

Despite the hype of October awareness campaigns, “cure” is a misnomer.  There is no cure for breast cancer, only a slowly-decreasing risk of recurrence.”

She so beautifully put what is a huge frustration for me…I want to be told I am cured.  Instead, as fighters, we are left with the reality of an ongoing battle, with on- going scans and on-going smaller treatments and follow ups forever.  With no black and whites.  Only statistics and percentages. I even hesitated to write “having had cancer”  I think “is it had or have?”  We will never get the answers we want.  We do not know if there were more positive lymph nodes left behind.  We do not know if the cells that are left behind will behave and self destruct or grow into little colonies called tumors.

I have a hard time trusting scans. They tell me there is no cancer, then after surgery my path results show cancer.  Scans are not perfect, and cancer has to be a certain size to show up on them.

I also have history of getting good news and then the floor drops out, so I wonder if my lack of excitement has to do with that.  I’ll talk to my therapist about that one..:)

I know I have scans coming up, and a couple more minor surgeries, so these also add to the feeling of “I’m done but not quite” 

Am I making any sense??  I apologize if this is negative, I truly am thankful, but want to keep it real.

So, I am going to celebrate the finishing of the big Treatments–it is huge that they are done and I am so thankful that “God has brought me thus far!”  That is amazing.  

if I am not jumping up and down when congratulated, just know there is more to the journey and celebration will come slowly for me.  I have a feeling my celebration will come in small moments, in the moments I feel so thankful to be here, the precious, everyday moments.


 Who knows, I may surprise you and jump up and down and do a celebratory jig when I get my energy back:P

 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5


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  • Remi
    January 8, 2012 at 5:35 am

    Well I was looking for a stopping point in your journey to try to go to sleep. This is exactly where I am in my journey now. I cant believe how accurately you write my thoughts, feelings, fears, and reactions right at this moment. God Bless you and everyone who knows or has known these feelings. We are all a special kind of fighter. <3 to you. Thank you for putting this all down on paper…well out here.

  • Michelle
    April 2, 2011 at 1:41 am

    Congrats on making it to this stepping stone. It’s a mile marker on your marathon. Although there’s more ahead, you’ve come quite far. I really like your Billy Idol hair. Rock it! It makes your beautiful eyes pop.

  • karen gerstenberger
    March 31, 2011 at 2:20 am

    Anyone who has walked the cancer journey herself, or with a loved one, knows what you mean about that healthy skepticism. How can you not have questions; how can you not wonder? It’s normal, under the circumstances!
    And one thing my daughter told me was, “Mom, you have got to stop apologizing.” I’ve been trying to follow her directions, and I wanted to share them with you. You NEVER have to apologize for writing or speaking your feelings. This is YOUR blog, your life, and your story. Tell it any way you want to.
    God bless you!

  • jeana
    March 30, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    Wonderful! I’m so thankful to see God giving you srength through it all and now. Continued prayers!!

  • Anonymous
    March 30, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Just stumbled on to your site looking for T2T ideas. I’m a Breast Cancer Survivor too – 11 years now, but not so long ago that I don’t remember what you’re feeling. Continue to ask for prayer from all sources – it helps so much. And remember that it’s okay to feel scared, mad, sad,and all the other honest feelings that come with such a life changing situation. My suggestion is to allow yourself a PPPM (Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me) day once a week. That way you have no guilt about feeling sorry for yourself because it’s on your calendar and when you feel like you need another one well you’re no more than 6 days away from your next opportunity. For the other 6 days a week, rejoice in your recovery, your progress, and all the blessings God has bestowed on you. Try to laugh hard at least once a day and surround yourself with people and things you love. You will be in my prayers for sure and I wish you all things good.

  • Rose ::
    March 30, 2011 at 7:02 pm

    i am so happy for you.

    Re. the risk of recurrence: it is my understanding that we all have cancerous cells in our body once in a while, but that the body usually gets rid of these without us even knowing.

    So, on that, given that your body is getting stronger and stronger again, there’s nothing to worry about. I love your proverb in this context. I’m wholehearted with that.

    So, now there you are, with a huuuuge personal growth period behind you.

  • Marianne
    March 30, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    I love your hair. This is how short I would normally wear my hair just because it is so easy to care for, but my husband and oldest daughter wants me to have longer hair now so I haven’t been to a hairdresser in a whole year now.
    It is good to hear that the radiation is over, maybe your body will rest up now and become stronger so that what is to follow is easier to carry. I will continue to pray for you.

  • Clean Mama
    March 30, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Definitely a day to be thankful for! Praying for grace and continued healing.

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