Honestly?

Can I be honest with you?  A little confession?

It was much easier being real, being honest, admitting struggle, admitting fault…when I was sick.

Sickness was almost an excuse to not have it all together.  People would understand that I didn’t have it all together.

My body is in remission, but honestly, my soul is still sick.  In need of a Saviour.  Daily.  Every moment.

I want to continue to be real, to write honest, to soul connect with others.  This takes a vulnerablility.

It is so refreshing when other soul connectors are willing to put the perfect down and show up real.  It is so life giving to read of women who don’t have it all together, because who does?  Not I.

“If you don’t see the real me you won’t see what mercy’s done.
If you don’t see my weakness you won’t see what love has won”

The real me…

…wonders if I will ever be content pleasing God, rather than man.  Just when I think I am free of this, another layer.  I tell a girlfriend a few weeks ago that I feel more free in this area.  Ha!  There have been constant tests to that the minute those words came from my mouth!  Layers.

…would be horrified if you saw my closet right now.  Or my laundry room.  Or my car trunk.  Mess!

…fears that I will never be able to express just how amazing it is to know Jesus.  How do you tell of such love and peace?  What words describe God made flesh?

…still wonders what people think of my ears when I wear a ponytail.  Oh to have ears that were flat to my head.

…feels ashamed that I sent my sweet girl off to school with tears.  She snapped all morning at everyone, and right before she got out of the car, I had had enough and snapped back.  I wanted to show her how it felt.  I became child. She walked away with tears.  Oh God, heal the hurts I cause.  Erase from little brains, or at least show them that mercy covers the real me.  The real them.