I Am A Sinner If It’s Not One Thing It’s Another

 “‘Cause I am a sinner ~ If it’s not one thing it’s another ~ Caught up in words ~ Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior ~ And You take brokenness aside ~ And make it beautiful” –ALL SONS & DAUGHTERS

…………

I sit in church, feeling numb from the weekend.  It was a rough one.  I felt on edge, worried, moody, & not myself.  I have not had these feelings for a long while now, and I did not like experiencing them for one day, much less going on day three.  I felt it building each day and I wonder where it came from and what would come of it.

What came of it? A teenager who is moody herself– acting fairly normal for a teen– was rude and I reacted. I lost patience and words came and frustrations spewed out and over onto my girl, lecturing, accusing & pointing fault.

I watch my words not only cause her to shut off and go into her room, but I see a shut down in my Todd.  Usually when shut down happens in him, I feel hurt and uncared for. This time, I saw pain. He went inward and I saw pain in his eyes –my eyes were opened to see his– I saw his eyes reflecting pain from my words and actions not just of today, but of the past. Today hurts him deep due to history of hurt. I am faced with my history of emotional words that hurt, I then shut down and feel myself spiral inward.

Shame. Guilt. Thoughts go dark. I cause pain. Now and before. I wallow in past failures & wonder how is it that I am loved? Doubt creeps in & the enemy cozy’s up and keeps planting bits of lies here and there.

I struggled quiet, until Sunday when we gather together at church and we sing two songs and the pastor preaches words from the book of Samuel.  I confess I see the message is from Samuel and I inward eye roll as I don’t think I will receive what my heart is longing for.

You know what? I don’t know much. God knows everything. He knew exactly the words my hurting heart & shadowed thinking needed to hear. Our pastor is anointed and brings the Word so faithfully.  Some of his favorite words are spoken in almost every message.

“God lavishes his grace on us”

“Get out of the dark room.  Run into the Light Room”

These words and visuals have saved me more than once from the Accuser.

And then this verse– from of all books– the book of Samuel:

“Samuel said to the people, “Do not fear. You have committed all this evil, yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. You must not turn aside, for then you would go after futile things which can not profit or deliver, because they are futile. For the LORD will not abandon His people on account of His great name, because the LORD has been pleased to make you a people for Himself. Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you; but I will instruct you in the good and right way. Only fear the LORD and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you.”

‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭12:20-24‬ ‭NASB‬‬ (emphasis mine)

Words of truth from my pastor, God & Samuel straight to my heart.  Take THAT Accuser.  I find myself turning toward the Light room.

We then sing this song & I confess with its words and my toes that step into the light room & light starts shining bright.  My feet walk toward the front steps of the altar–toward forgiveness– with a card in hand. We were encouraged to write on the card that which needs left in the past. I write my emotions, literally, I write down my emotions or really my lack of control over my emotions that have brought me down that weekend and in the past. I leave them and the card at the cross.

Brokenness Aside

{Brokenness Aside by All Sons & Daughters}

I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies, oh yeah
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
[x2]

You make it beautiful
Beautiful
You make it beautiful
Beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful
[x4]

Church service lets out and I go straight to week 2 of a teen parenting class. Light continues to brighten my path in that room of wonderful, wise parents trying to do their best but feel overwhelmed, and in one big voice we agree just how hard parenting teens can be.  It normalizes my struggle, shows me I am not alone, shows me my girls are inward and outward beautiful and I have not failed them. I leave with feeling empowered and ready to love well.

The week starts and by the end of day 3 of dreary grey days, my heart is feeling shadowed again. Despite my wonderful Sunday, grey Monday comes and so does words of criticism and accusation, but this time they are from myself at myself.

I just couldn’t shake the shame I felt. It is hard to go so long without falling into a place you don’t want to go, and then go there and have to face it again. It allows one to see more clearly when it is no longer a habit, and I clearly saw pain that I brought to my loved ones. I wallowed in it, & was quiet and inward, until the evening of the third day. I finally talked to the man who has loved me for 20 years and knows me better than anyone.

We lay in the dark & I start verbalizing my struggle.  I hear him awake & breathing next to me, taking it in. He hears my words of self-condemnation. He reassures & speaks light into shadows. “it was just a bad couple days, Babe.” “You are doing so well, better than I have seen you in years.” He never speaks fluff and his words are trustworthy & I trust them immediately & exhale relief. He knows me. He sees victory and growth in me. His words are enough to break through fear & see clearly again, through the fog that dissipates quite quickly when truth is spoken aloud between lovers.

I might or might not have questioned immaturely “do you really mean that? You know you are stuck with me…are you just saying that because you are stuck with me?” I already know truth and the answer before he speaks it.  He chuckles at my childish questioning & knows he has already broken through and helped me see the light. It is so good to chuckle at and in the dark. Especially together. Light hearted replaces heart heaviness with just a few spoken words.

The next morning, I wake refreshed, but God is not done reassuring me. I spend some time with him and here are more words He gives me, all in one morning.

“Don’t  be afraid of falling. Instead, look ahead to Me. I am always before you, beckoning you on—one step at a time. Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, can separate you from My loving Presence.” –Jesus Calling Book

Healing Begins

{Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North}

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you’re good
And you can’t believe it’s not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let ’em fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won’t disappear

So let it fall down
There’s freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We’re here now
We’re here now

Oh This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don’t fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
Come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

 ……………..

So today it is toward the end of the week and though the weather is still grey, I am not.

Fear, inwardness, self-condemnation, guilt, shadows, dark, shame, & wallowing have all been replaced with courage, outwardness, forgiveness, freedom, victory, truth, faith, obedience. This all results in joy & priase.

 Yes, this life brings the “if it’s not one thing it’s another,” but God provides an answer to the dreary. We get tangled in dark lies but His light & truth helps us untangle & sets us upright even stronger. We untangle, as the song says above –“broken within, the light meets the dark.”

…………….

Are you the parent of teens? Are you surprised at how challenging it can be?

Do you ever get caught up in self-condemnation? What helps you?

I need to let go of overreacting & letting my emotions get the best of me. What is it that you need to let go of to walk forward into Light?