FAMILY Archives • Page 37 of 49 • New Nostalgia

Sadness

I am on a walking trail
Ipod in ears–again.
Iced latte in hand-again!

I look for a bench to sit and write, I avoid the ones that are engraved and say “In Memoriam,” for they depress me further than I already am.

I am sad.

The only benches in the shade are these said benches, so I give in and sit on the shiny, cold marble that is carved with the name, “Marilyn, 1999.” Did she love this trail too? Did she walk when alive, drinking in the sounds of life? Did she walk it slow, weak and sick, feeling life fade? I wonder these things and I feel sad for Marilyn.

I am not used to being sad. Moody, yes. Sad, no.

I take a walk today, to get some exercise, and to pray release some natural serotonin. Surprisingly, it helps.

How could it not? The 60- degree cool breeze, brings whiffs of spring flowering trees. These trees are the accessories of nature in the springtime, touches of purple, yellow, white and pink. God never over-accessorizes. He always gets it just right.

The sun shines but plays hide- and- seek behind large, white clouds. It is a bit annoying as I have to reach for the jacket tied around my waist, every time it stays hidden for too long. Annoying, but amusing, this hide-and-seek-game-playing with the sun.

This game I can’t control reminds me of life right now, and makes me think about how I am responding to things out of my control. Am I responding annoyed or amused? Truthfully, I have fallen into self pity. I am oozing discontentment as these annoyances come my way:

~painful joints that get “stuck” when I sit too long–chemo side effects

~a female cycle that brings 2 weeks of emotional struggle, more than an annoyance–a full- blown sting.

~fatigue. I pay for my walks, for at least 2-3 days after, I have little energy, needing naps and an early bedtime.

~right-side lower back pain. A dull ache. I wonder if it is the cyst on my ovary introducing itself to me.

These annoyances come my way and I respond annoyed.

I wonder how to change my response, to enter into the game and play nice. How to be sad without making everyone else around me sad, too?? How to play, and even how to fight with a submissive “yes” nod? Instead, I tense, fear and fight with a nodding, stubborn “no.”

I’ve lost my way and the ability to say, come what may.

I ponder these questions on my walk, as ipod pushes truth answers into my ears. I scroll through songs and come upon one that pushes through my swirling questions and thoughts, giving answers. Despite my dislike for the slight country twang, I listen to it three times…

In Better Hands by Natalie Grant

Lyrics-Bold

My thoughts-{italic}

It’s hard to stand on shifting sand

{shifting moods, shifting cycles}
It’s hard to shine in the shadows of the night

{my shadow of the night? Said cycle.}

You can’t be free if you don’t reach for help

{“Amy-keep looking to me, turning and reaching for my perfect help”-God}
You can’t love if you don’t love yourself

{“I love you with an unconditional love. It is complete, lacking nothing. True love. You are 100% fully known, and fully loved by me. This makes YOU complete”-God}

There is hope when my faith runs out

Cause I’m in better hands now

{“lean into my hands! Come to where you belong in this restful and safe place. Submit. Nod the “yes.”” -God}

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down

{right on cue with the music, the sun dramatically reveals itself from behind a cloud, playing its game. It makes me smile and gives me shivers. A God kiss. Even in rain sadness, the sun is still shining and will keep me warm despite the dreary.}
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground

{I can walk through this life, these annoyances, He will help me rise above and even fly.}
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt

{I’m starting to get it, starting my submissive “yes” nod}
I’m in better hands now

{not I, but Christ. Galatians 2:20. Not my own, but HIS!}
I am strong all because of you

{this statement revealed pride in me. I have felt tough since fighting this battle of cancer and getting through the treatments. But it was HE that got me through, and is getting me through. He who strengthens me!}
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move

{one of my favorite lines in the song. This mountain, this cycle sting. He can move it! He can do what He pleases and has a plan for me that is good!}
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone

{another favorite line, the lies want me to believe I am a lost cause, a continuous cycle of strong then weak. They want me to believe that I am the same. But, NO! Yesterday is gone, today is a new day with new mercies! These struggles do not define me. I am who He says I am. Changed. New.}
I am safe from this moment on

{the enemy whispers self-imposed ruin. But I know better. I know I am safe. My family is safe. My marriage is safe. My future is safe. He holds it all!}
[
There’s no fear when the night comes ’round

{It is ALL in His hands & SAFE.}
I’m in better hands now

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
I’m in better hands now

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
It’s like the world is silent though I know it isn’t true

{If I feel alone, I am not. Silence and stillness can be embraced.}
It’s like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room

{another God kiss. Again, right on cue of the music, I walk under a tunnel of sweet- breathed spring trees, white petals floating down in the spring breeze– it looks like snow! Fragrance all around. He is here. Through Him, I can handle whatever comes, even the sadness. I can nod “yes” and wait it out, for there is no doubt, I am in His hands, now.}

So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
I’m in better hands now
I’m in better hands now

Counting Gifts/ FAMILY

One Thousand Gifts #17

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

{411- 438}
~cozy comforter & pillow to match

~9 hours of uninterrupted sleep

~sound of husband giving youngest daughter kisses

~my youngest, her first response to being woken in the morning is an eyes-still-shut smile

~my middle girl, her first response to being woken is a grumpy groan and frown

~my oldest girl’s response…none. She is a warm and tucked-in lump that does not move.

~ how different God made my girls

~words with my neighbor–a Divine appointment

~the smell of toast

~a friend who delights in and shares Psalm 91

~laughing with Keeli at the crazy

~clearing dead debris from the garden beds, so grateful that I am not.

~making room for new growth and life in both garden and self

~that God “holds the untamed moments, too” –Ann Voskamp

~middle girls voice singing in the morning. Humming happily.

~the sound of him taking out the garbage. A daily act of love.

~iced mocha in hand on walk

~truth pushed into ears by ipod

~sunshine warmth on my neck

~friendly nods on the bike path

~a beautiful trail close to my home

~magnificent magnolia trees

~a husband who supports and allows me to be a stay-at-home mom

~Coconut Curry Chicken

~Life. Feeling alive.

~a day to celebrate His rising

~an Easter meal prepared by loving hands while mine rested

~nephew eating helium from Easter balloons, the laughter his high- pitched, helium, “Happy Easter!!” brings

Counting Gifts/ FAMILY

One Thousand Gifts #16

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

{383 through 410}

~ a “sister road trip” and our safety

~chubby baby nephew thighs

~comfortable silence with sisters

~Kansas award winning Maple Butter BBQ Sauce

~3 movies in the car, major chill time

~a heart that longs, missing my kids

~apples and almond butter

~hand-me-down “new” clothes from sister

~fun hand-me-down fashion show

~grown- up sister quarrels over who gets what clothes

~manicures and pedicures

~music by Moby

~candy bar latte x 4–sipping sisters

~inappropriate talk with sisters:)

~communication clarity

~morning breakfast shakes that nourish all day

~days of quiet, time to rest

~morning routine and calm it brings

~chore board=chores finished!

~everything green

~scans

~contrast going down smooth

~medical insurance

~legs that work and walk

~peace when I should have “scanxiety”

~a blessed lunch with mom

~a mom that sits and watches as my bones are scanned

~a phone call from friend Karma–“I’ve made dinner for your family tonight.” I answer the call right after complaining to mom that I have no groceries and no dinner plan. A God kiss on scan day.

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

It Is Not Too Late

One Day Too Late lyrics

Songwriters: Cooper, John; Howes, Brian;

I am at a weird point in my cancer journey. It is quiet. I have time to think and reflect. I just keep thinking about how very blessed I am to have this TIME with my family and friends, and to enjoy God’s beautiful creation in the springtime. My baby girl turned “8” recently, and I am just struck at how fleeting the moments are, and I so want to BE PRESENT and thankful in each moment.

I have felt frustration with my “ups and downs” lately. I KNOW just how great it is to be alive and feeling good. I LONG to live fully in each moment, but I also know that doesn’t mean each moment is going to be perfect, or that I am going to respond perfectly in the moments. I know there is a time to grieve and a time to laugh. I just want to live WELL.

I have just learned of another cancer fighter, whom I have been following on Caring Bridge and praying for, is now at peace and in Heaven. His faith, fight and family all have made a lasting impression on me.

He has 2 girls, who are so beautiful and brave. When I read that they went to school after learning of their dad’s early morning passing, I just cried for them and their hurting, brave, sweet hearts.

It is a reminder to me that we just never know what life is going to bring, and we just don’t know the number of days– of moments we have. The fighter I mentioned above had clear scans in October. He didn’t know that come April his fight would be over, but God knew. It is clear in their story that He is holding them all.

I don’t want to get comfortable. When I get comfortable I get passive and I react to life instead of respond to the moments it brings. I want to live with a purpose, an awareness of what truly matters. This is why I love the above song, for it reminds.

Counting Gifts/ FAMILY

One Thousand Gifts #15

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

{369 through 383}

~that “He Takes Hold Of My Right Hand And Says; Do Not Fear, I Will Help You” Isaiah 4:18

~the sun rising

~shopping with my mom, trying on perfume, earrings, headbands & purses.

~my mom. she brings me a gift on HER birthday.

~my father-in-law. He gives me a gift the day after HIS birthday.

~breakfast with my grandma, aunt, sister and mom. Lots of laughter. Better than therapy.

~beautiful yellow, fresh flowers in a vase

~trading Tamoxifen stories with a friend. Sarcastically calling it our “friend”

~while giving my daughter a haircut, she peeks at me through hair in her face and says “Oh Thank you, Mom, for cutting my hairs!!”

~a phone message from my dad, saying he just wanted to hear my voice. Hearing his settles my heart, as only a father’s love can.

~feeling feminine

~freshly juiced vegetable juice

~Dr. Hinze. His gentle care. His sense of humor.

~cancer nutrition books from a “never met” friend

~a quiet week coming up, time for much needed reflection & meditation

~family forgiveness.

Counting Gifts/ FAMILY

One Thousand Gifts #14

One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

{354 through 369}

~retreating with the women at my church Women’s Retreat

~sharing my story with these women and keeping composed while doing so

~same women, whom I am joined to by His body. Their hearts open and beautiful–they hear, receive and hold my heart.

~my pastor’s wife. Her eyes & face–so pretty. Eyes flooding and full of compassion, care & concern. In them, I see a pure love for me.

~waking to the scent of coffee & waffles made by loving hands

~Gina. Her song and her guitar.

~late night word exchanges while lying under top bunks. Life’s hardships discussed and reflected upon.

~fresh fruit salad…its bright and brilliant colors and shapes. God’s art.

~revelation of pride, selfishness, unbelief and worry–Yes, Lord. I agree. Please take it from me.

~church bells on a sunny Sunday

~being fully known and fully loved by God

~a hurting heart and hope. I know He will heal.

~green tea with hints of citrus

~physical fatigue and emotional pain forcing me to cancel plans and be still.

~a sound of a lawnmower, reminding me of spring growth and how far He has brought me. Church bells mix with its sound, playing “Great Is Thy Faithfulness”

~that I can place him & her & them & that & this –all safely in His hands.

~a new week, with nothing cancer related on my calender! (oh.. except to go get my port flushed…that is easy}

~a retreat walk, my camera captures cross kisses.