Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual


I am on a walking trail
Ipod in ears–again.
Iced latte in hand-again!

I look for a bench to sit and write, I avoid the ones that are engraved and say “In Memoriam,” for they depress me further than I already am.

 I am sad.

The only benches in the shade are these said benches, so I give in and sit on the shiny, cold marble that is carved with the name, “Marilyn, 1999.”  Did she love this trail too?  Did she walk when alive, drinking in the sounds of life?  Did she walk it slow, weak and sick, feeling life fade?  I wonder these things and I feel sad for Marilyn.

I am not used to being sad.  Moody, yes.  Sad, no.

I take a walk today, to get some exercise, and to pray release some natural serotonin. Surprisingly, it helps.

How could it not?  The 60- degree cool breeze, brings whiffs of spring flowering trees.  These trees are the accessories of nature in the springtime, touches of purple, yellow, white and pink.  God never over-accessorizes.  He always gets it just right.

The sun shines but plays hide- and- seek behind large, white clouds.  It is a bit annoying as I have to reach for the jacket tied around my waist, every time it stays hidden for too long.  Annoying, but amusing, this hide-and-seek-game-playing with the sun.

This game I can’t control reminds me of life right now, and makes me think about how I am responding to things out of my control.  Am I responding annoyed or amused? Truthfully, I have fallen into self pity. I am oozing discontentment as these annoyances come my way:

~painful joints that get “stuck” when I sit too long–chemo side effects

~a female cycle that brings 2 weeks of emotional struggle, more than an annoyance–a full- blown sting.

~fatigue.  I pay for my walks, for at least 2-3 days after, I have little energy, needing naps and an early bedtime.

~right-side lower back pain.  A dull ache.  I wonder if it is the cyst on my ovary introducing itself to me.

These annoyances come my way and I respond annoyed.

I wonder how to change my response, to enter into the game and play nice.  How to be sad without making everyone else around me sad, too??  How to play, and even how to fight with a submissive “yes” nod?  Instead, I tense, fear and fight with a nodding, stubborn “no.”

I’ve lost my way and the ability to say, come what may.  

I ponder these questions on my walk, as ipod pushes truth answers into my ears.  I scroll through songs and come upon one that pushes through my swirling questions and thoughts, giving answers.  Despite my dislike for the slight country twang, I listen to it three times…

My thoughts-{italic}
It’s hard to stand on shifting sand
{shifting moods, shifting cycles}
It’s hard to shine in the shadows of the night
{my shadow of the night? Said cycle.}
You can’t be free if you don’t reach for help
{“Amy-keep looking to me, turning and reaching for my perfect help”-God}
You can’t love if you don’t love yourself
{“I love you with an unconditional love.  It is complete, lacking nothing. True love. You are 100% fully known, and fully loved by me.  This makes YOU complete”-God}

There is hope when my faith runs out

Cause I’m in better hands now
{“lean into my hands!  Come to where you belong in this restful and safe place.  Submit. Nod the “yes.”” -God}

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down

{right on cue with the music, the sun dramatically reveals itself from behind a cloud, playing its game. It makes me smile and gives me shivers.   A God kiss.  Even in rain sadness, the sun is still shining and will keep me warm despite the dreary.}
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
{I can walk through this life, these annoyances, He will help me rise above and even fly.}
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
{I’m starting to get it, starting my submissive “yes” nod}
I’m in better hands now
{not I, but Christ. Galatians 2:20. Not my own, but HIS!}
I am strong all because of you
{this statement revealed pride in me.  I have felt tough since fighting this battle of cancer and getting through the treatments. But it was HE that got me through, and is getting me through. He who strengthens me!} 
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
{one of my favorite lines in the song.  This mountain, this cycle sting. He can move it!  He can do what He pleases and has a plan for me that is good!}
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
{another favorite line, the lies want me to believe I am a lost cause, a continuous cycle of strong then weak.  They want me to believe that I am the same.  But, NO!  Yesterday is gone, today is a new day with new mercies! These struggles do not define me.  I am who He says I am. Changed. New.}
I am safe from this moment on
{the enemy whispers self-imposed ruin. But I know better.  I know I am safe.  My family is safe.  My marriage is safe. My future is safe.  He holds it all!}
There’s no fear when the night comes ’round
{It is ALL in His hands & SAFE.}
I’m in better hands now

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
I’m in better hands now

It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground

It’s like the world is silent though I know it isn’t true

{If I feel alone, I am not.  Silence and stillness can be embraced.}
It’s like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
{another God kiss.  Again, right on cue of the music, I walk under a tunnel of sweet- breathed spring trees, white petals floating down in the spring breeze– it looks like snow!  Fragrance all around. He is here. Through Him, I can handle whatever comes, even the sadness. I can nod “yes” and wait it out, for there is no doubt, I am in His hands, now.}

So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
I’m in better hands now
I’m in better hands now

You Might Also Like

  • Anonymous
    February 23, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    Ditto – I hate it when those sad and fearful days happen.
    I try be positive for my family and sometimes, I hate that too. I wish I had an answer, and a nice little box where I/we could put those fears and sadness when something hurts and my heart starts to race. I just try to
    remember, this is not what God wants for us. The reading today in Jesus Calling is so approriate and almost funny.
    How that book hits it right on every day I don’t know.
    I like it much better when I’m not sad, or fearful, or having a pity party. I know it could be worse. I read about women who have lost limbs and eye sight because of getting septic in the hospital and my God knows I could not handle that. He, My God, KNOWS I could not handle if this was happening to one of my children. My God, He knows, I can and will handle this. And, what I know, is that some days I can handle it day by day, some days it’s hour by hour, and some days it’s minute by minute. I never know what I’m going to get after I put my very painful toes on the floor in the morning. Just yesterday, I was wondering how I was going to get through the day and I remembered my friend who had cancer said that one you realize you have gotten through. Hmmm – I asked her if she ever thinks about it coming back – she said no. How do you do that? I don’t know but I am going to try!!! We just can’t live our days like that. I read the blog on (chemo brain) can’t remember. She is going to a different hospital than the one in Joplin, Missouri -it was like getting punched in the stomach. And, I just could help but feeling, yes it could be worse. At least I have today. I could have just said you are not alone Amy and hoped that would have helped. Sorry, I was just feeling wordy today. Sending you B I G hugs and prayers!
    Your sister in Christ and unfortunately your friend in the C journey.

  • Anonymous
    July 25, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Smile bright

  • Erin H.
    May 1, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Amy – this is a beautiful post. Thank you for your honesty.

  • simplify411
    April 29, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Though we do not fight the same battle – I have been fighting one of my own. I don’t know how you keep your faith. I wish I had the faith you have.

  • Lelia Chealey
    April 29, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Love you Amy. Keep steadfast on your Savior.

  • elaine @ peace for the journey
    April 29, 2011 at 1:27 am

    Take those sweet, tender, ministering moments from the Lord and cradle them close to your heart. Sometimes, in my deepest moments of “sad” is when I feel the closest to the Father; sometimes not. Sometimes I just get sad, stay sad, and cry my desperation. We’re in this for the long haul, sister, and you are not alone. Extra prayers for you this night.


  • Amy Kinser
    April 29, 2011 at 5:21 am

    Been thinking a lot about you and have been praying.

  • Top