“Prayer without ceasing is only possible in a life of continual thanks.”
“Do not disdain the small. The whole of life–even the hard–is made up of the minute parts, and if I miss the infinitesimals, I miss the whole. There is a way to live the big of giving thanks in all things. It is this: to give thanks in this one small thing. The moments will add up.”
“I discover that slapping a sloppy brush of thanksgiving over everything in my life leaves me deeply thankful for very few things in my life.”
–Ann Voskamp “One Thousand Gifts”
301~being wooed by my Creator 302~His presence in adversity 303~that He is everywhere at every time 304~youngest one’s cheek stretched into my front seat car area each morning for a “goodbye-send-me-off-to-school” kiss 305~60 degree sunny spring days 306~home organization 307~house cleaning service gift extended a month 308~my Carm and Wendy’s offer to come and spring clean help 309~a carpet cleaner man heard about my sickness, sent an offer to free clean 310~God showing me He heard my hearts desire 311~eye shadow, earrings & girly things 312~”Oh, How He Loves Us!” song stuck in my head 313~”Exceeding Abundantly above all I can ask or imagine” verse stuck in my head 314~youngest birthday sleepover fun at Grandma and Grandpa’s 315~physical wounds that are not healing–gives break for emotional wounds to heal 316~the promise of the fruit of the Spirit, grown in the canyon–gentleness, kindness, patience 317~the promise that He is in control when I have feelings of “craziness & out of control” 318~Me-“I don’t feel like me” God-“I will show you who you are” 319~Forced stillness 320~Forced surrender 321~Being broken and built 322~old replaced with new, even if painful 323~words of hope in suffering 324~promises that He is enough. His plan is made perfect in my weakness 325~clarity to write the gifts, less “static” 326~envelope in mail with perfect words just for me 327~Garlic Lime Pork Tenderloin and Rice, a surprise meal made with love from my Wendy
328~the moment my head is in hands, I’m asking God to show up, “I need to see you and feel you, God…this is hard!” A knock at my door, surprise visit from a friend. She comes with a check in hand. “God has blessed us, we want to bless you.” Time stills for a second as I open and read it. It beyond blesses. It frees! It turns God’s “I am here” whisper to a shout of “See, I AM… I AM.” It eliminates a large chunk of our medical debt. How does one say thanks?
Since reading the book “One Thousand Gifts,” there is so much meaning in why I count these gifts. It truly does change ones outlook when practiced each and every day. It helps me learn what it looks like to be “content in all things.” I am grateful.
261~ chocolate ganache
262~ creamy, dreamy latte
263~ secrets shared with friends
264~ a husband that hugs forgiveness
265~ “fashion” glasses on my girl
267~ berry anti-oxidants
268~ colors…green grass, blue sky, pink in cheeks
269~ dots that connect
270~ a kiss, gentle on my cheek, from youngest
271~ girls playing table soccer with a crayon
280~ girls turning junk crayons into melted wax treasures & delighting in it
281~ Holy Spirit whispers
282~ a song in head from childhood “Smile, smile, smile-na, na, na-na, naa!” Whatever it takes, right?
283~ so many reasons for smiling, despite a heavy heart
284~ the murmur of voices, a coffee shop community
I’ve had an influx of subscribers lately, so I thought I would start this by filling you all in a bit on where I am at in my cancer journey.
Here is a timeline:
Aug 2010-diagnosis: Stage 3 Invasive Ductal/Lobular Carcinoma
Sept 2010-port surgery
Sept-Nov 2010- chemotherapy
Dec 2010 -mastectomy + reconstruction
Feb 2011-Radiation –28 rounds TODAY- round 13, halfway done with radiation!!
May 2011-“phase 2” of reconstruction
June 2011- tattoo time (read more here..)
For details of the journey, click here or on the Caring Bridge button in the sidebar.
I have come far. I have so much to be thankful for. There are many ups and downs. Today was a down, I write about it below… but I’ll get back up there.
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{Halfway radiation point & “down” isn’t my best look..but I do like my new hat that looks old:)}
Journal
I was late for radiation today.
It was a hard morning…I just could not pull myself together in time.
My radiation therapist, Mr. Brad, was so kind, reassuring me that they can be flexible, and that it was ok.
I told him a bit of my hard morning, he listened and said he would pray.
Then, I told him, with tears flooding,
“I am weary”
He looked straight into my brewing storm and without hesitation, said:
“but the Lord isn’t”
A nugget of truth that shot straight to my heart and immediately brought internal storm rest. I exhaled and went on to face my day.
Oh Truth, sweet truth
From the written Word and the words of His people!
What would I do without Truth?
Truth has been harder to feel lately.
I KNOW truth, I SEE it, but it FEELS far away.
Lots of “static” in the way.
Busyness of thought that creates distance from grasping the feeling of truth.
I know I create some of that static, and I know that giving up a medication and adjusting to that give up creates static. I also know some of it is just life right now.
It. Just. Is.
This said static got the best of me this morning–it was oh, so loud–it comes and I kick and fit and shake my fists. Eyes up, head down, at times– in hands. Tissue thrown in piles on floor.
I blurt my static…to Him. To husband. To my Carma friend.
Words of “whys” and “no’s” and fears and questions and closed hands and fed ups..my words.
“But Lord…”
“No Lord…”
“Enough Lord..”
Vivid dreams have turned from normal into nightmares. Can I just have one day of my life before? I don’t want this unknown anymore. I want concrete, expected, easy. I want pretty, no scars.
Lord, do you see?
My Lottie-3 -year- old- Mae, the bravest fighter, her mother torn from baby sister to seek treatment far away. Leukemia in a child is enough, Lord, enough. But..bacteria infection and pneumonia, too? Families who love and yearn, torn from each others presence? It seems too much..
Lord, do you see?
The man after me, there for radiation therapy. The only color in his face are blood shot eyes that are hollow, but still smile at me.
Lord?
My husband, who deals with enough by dealing with me. He is sitting at table, deep in thought, while shuffling the mounting bill piles, doing his best to make them all fit.
Lord.
The statistics they scare me, why can’t I have a concrete answer? Please? Stage 3a or Stage 3b? Which one is it? It matters to me.. 70% or 39%? Why can’t I let go of the numbers? Hands grasped, closed tight. Digits grasping digits.
Women who have felt lumps, endured scans, had parts of themselves cut on and cut out, allowed chemical chemo to flow through veins and radiation to burn both good and bad cells, who felt razors and cold air on scalp, have to take pills that keep wombs empty and all the while are wives and some mothers and burden bearers for each other. Oh Lord, these women!
Lord, do you see?
So. Much. Static.
The above is enough there is so much more. Unnamed more.
Lord?…?
Then.. my Lord…
My GOOD, good, God…
He whispers to me.
“Yes, Amy, I see.”
“I know you are weary, but I am not.”
I SEE. I, too, wept.
I KNOW. I, too, have scars.
I can handle your cries to me, My child.
I’m so glad you’ve come to me…
For I am the Way. The Truth. The Light.
I will make sense of tragedy.
I will be your burden bearer.
Hand over the load. I was meant to bear it, not you.
Endure, child.
You know on this earth there will be pain and trials.
It was not meant to be this way, but it is.
I will fulfill my promise to make it all right again, in my time.
This is what it is in an imperfect, sin- infested world.
This is why I sent my Son, for a way out of it all.
You’ve tasted the hand of bitterness, do not let hatred numb your sorrows.
Do not clinch your hand closed tight.
The wise hand opens slowly, to lilies of the valley and tomorrow…to Me!
I gave you the words to this song in your heart.
I gave you these words years ago, knowing you would need them in these fist shaking moments.
“This is what it means to be held, how it feels..
When the sacred is torn from life and you survive
This is what it is, to be held, and to know that the promise was
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
Since reading the book “One Thousand Gifts,” there is so much meaning in why I count these gifts. It truly does change ones outlook when practiced each and every day. It helps me learn what it looks like to be “content in all things.” I am grateful.
P.S. Notice how many of my “gifts” have to do with food! I really love food..:)
Since reading the book “One Thousand Gifts,” there is so much meaning in why I count these gifts. It truly does change ones outlook when practiced each and every day. It helps me learn what it looks like to be “content in all things.” I am grateful.
192~ hugs from Pastor’s wife
193~being treated to breakfast
194~a radiologist who prays for me
195~sunshine melting away the cold
196~colorful vegetables
197~grocery store gift cards
198~a fairly stable mood 🙂
199~a clean home that smells good!
200~family time in our newly re-arranged living room
201~reminders to keep “hands open”
202~opportunities to share the treasures
203~Scripture verse texts from a dear friend
204~a husband that warms my car for me every morning before radiation
205~a husband who puts the kids to bed so I can sleep
206~a husband who moves snow out of my way
207~a card with a gift in it from my aunt
208~watching oldest child delight in dogs at a dog expo
209~watching youngest child “shake her booty” to Dance Party early in the morning
210~middle girl sharing the songs that are “in her brain”
211~ice cold ice water
212~underlined truth words in books
213~the world wide web and the connections it brings
214~my cousin learning facebook, now I can know him better
Since reading the book “One Thousand Gifts,” there is so much meaning in why I count these gifts. It truly does change ones outlook when practiced each and every day. It helps me learn what it looks like to be “content in all things.” I am grateful.
167~ daughter getting loved on by adult friends and family on facebook
168~time with oldest girl, who stayed home from school due to sickness
169~a Dr’s kind words and a wink- “we are here, we will help fix you” 170~hot, buttery cinnamon bread
171~sun on my neck while driving 172~medical insurance 173~changing seasons 174~a merciful husband 175~hat compliments 176~old school friend connections 177~my dishwasher 178~vitamins 179~freshly juiced vegetables 180~an arm that now can fully reach 181~sight and smell of little girls waking 182~goodnight kisses 183~ability to give “full” hugs 184~a sunny sun room 185~uncles who take nieces for a day of fun 186~fingernails on the repair 187~time for a nap 188~Trader Joe’s 189~McDonald’s Oatmeal when in a pinch 190~my youngest falling in love with piano playing 191~great conversation during date with my husband
Todd and I had a fun date night last night. We ended up at a local bookstore called Indigo Bridge Books. I had a 2 Groupons for $20.00 worth of merchandise each, so I had a blast looking & shopping around.
{If you have not signed up for Groupon, YOU MUST CLICK HERE to learn more about it. All of our date nights have been 50-70% off, and many were even free, thanks to Groupon–I’m a big fan! If your friends sign up you get $10 free when they make their first purchase.}
Back to our date night and shopping–I found the best coloring book for my girls and had to get it!
This book is about an inch thick and full springtime beauty!
There is something so therapeutic about coloring, it is an activity I don’t mind doing with my girls, especially when my energy is low and the coloring pages look like these!
Here are some other coloring books/art books we have used and loved:
My girls love that there is no paper in the way. They are also very strong and do not break as easily as most crayons. The case is super convenient, the hard plastic cover swivels up…no torn boxes!!
I saved their favorite for last. These are awesome. They are like jumbo chapstick containers that twist. They are creamy, shiny and so much fun to use. My youngest got them for Christmas, my oldest keeps sneaking in her room to use them. They look great on black paper, but can be used on all types of paper.
Got any coloring/art book favorites? How about art supplies?
that I love
–Yum!
discovery
game–even grandma joined in!!
