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Spiritual

Our Lenten Repentance Box

I read this post from Anne at Holy Experience, about their family Lent activity of repentance, and knew I wanted to do the same.  
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A box to come to,
 throughout the Lenten season, 
confess to to our Creator, 
who promises to take our sins and
remember them no more.
Come Easter,
 we will bury our sins, 
just as He died and was buried, 
and then we will celebrate that He Is Risen, Indeed!!
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The timing of this is perfect for me.
If you read my Caring Bridge journal, you will know there has been much for me to repent of.
I will share one of my journals below.
I have been so thankful for a tangible way to show my girls that we can come to Him when we have messed up.  Repent, and release.  
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“I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake,
And I will not remember your sins.”

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My Caring Bridge Confession Post:

Yesterday was NOT a good day.  One of my hardest since diagnosis.  For sure the most humbling.

It went like this:
Husband leaves for work~ I’m feeling weak and tired, not myself~ daughter wants to wear summer clothes on a 50 degree day~I say no~she refuses to get dressed~ I have a major meltdown and act more childish than she~ the intensity of my meltdown- words and actions- cause older daughter to fear and call Dad~ he leaves work ministry meeting to come rescue the situation~ he takes kids to school (I thought)~ I drive to nowhere trying to make sense of my meltdown/emotions~a text from Kathy, my mother-in-law, telling me she is praying causes me to find a destination and calm~school calls and says 2 daughters are marked absent~ I call Husband and melt when he tells me he has them, his love for them and me overwhelms~ I feel extreme shame that they were so upset they did not go back to school~ I spend 4 hours in Village Inn with my Bible and journal, trying to work through static and shame~ I shop for clothes, “maybe clothes meltdowns won’t happen if she had some decent ones”…a bandaid.~I grocery shop at Trader Joes and bump into a divine appointment named Anna, who is there only to buy me flowers and my girls some penguin gummies~ why? the interrupted meeting was at her house that morning, the one my husband brought two sad girls back to ~ we scoot to the corner in Trader Joes, she sheds tears for me-what love~ I find out later she had already showered love on my girls by providing a movie and snacks so the meeting could go on~when home, I start to meltdown a second time, I want to crawl in a hole, when I realize so many know of my shame~husband reminds me it is three women who know me, love me and care~he also reminds me I already tell the world my junk online:)~I sit online and I am overwhelmed by your guestbook comment love~I am overwhelmed even more when I see what is in my inbox, confessions of meltdowns from some of YOU~I read your confession words, I am in awe. I feel in very good company, those I admire most have been refined in the fire, found their way out of shame~I go to bed, ready for new mercies
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From Jesus Calling, P. 100
Your weakness is not a deterrent to being filled with My Spirit; on the contrary, it provides an opportunity for My Power to shine forth more brightly.

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Oh, I pray this is true.  
This is all so humbling… embarrassing. 
I have said 3 times today I just want to get over myself so I can LIVE!  Then I remember that I AM living, that this IS life, and I am in the process of figuring out how to “live fully, where planted.”

I’ve got to figure out how to stop wishing for a different pot🙂 and see that the one I am growing roots into is the perfect one, handmade by HIM for me.

Thank you for having such compassionate eyes for me and my potting mess.
 

5
Spiritual

Learning To Dance




I have been quite reflective lately as I celebrate the end of the “big T’s” (chemo, mastectomy and radiation).  Looking back over the last 7 months of this fight, I simply cannot believe the goodness of God and how He has given me such sweet touches of Himself, letting me know He was holding me every step of the way. 

 This is a post, written last October in the middle of chemotherapy treatments, and it brings tears to my eyes to think of how my God and I have DANCED!
Sometimes, the dance was not pretty..at all.
I struggled against His lead–still do–for I am still learning.
But the dances that I have learned and overcome? 
They are sweet, sweet memories of my Savior holding me close, as we danced.
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I sat at Starbucks for a few hours yesterday and spent some time reading God’s Word.  I came upon the parable of the Sower in Matthew 13.  It inspired this…
I am a seed planted lovingly by the Gardener.
He is in Control.

He takes care of me.

The seeds He plants are special. 
Special because He gives them choice
He lets me choose whether or not I will allow Him to sustain me.
He knows what is best for me. 
He watches over me when the storms and winds come. 
He asks me to remain planted, and allow Him to do the work. 
He asks me to just submit and to keep my face upturned to Him,  
 
Face turned, I dance in worship to the One who gives beauty and life.
At times the gardener must strip me, and it is painful. 
I wonder if I’ll survive the deadheading, the pruning.
Petals fade, head hangs low. 
It takes great effort –choice— to turn upward.
The season is cold, I lie waiting, the loneliness overwhelms.
I know my Gardener is there.
I believe His promise,
He cares for me, though I am weak and small.
 I know this, yet do I really trust Him?
In this storm, within the fierce winds, I hear His whisper…
”Trust deeper, my beloved one. I am here”
“Do you believe me?”
I want to. 
I want to believe that He will breath life into mine and make me strong again. 
I believe that spring will come
 But there is the problem.
I want spring to look a certain way. 
I want spring to bring the familiar.
I want to be planted in the same place that I was before, amongst those whom I love.
My Gardner knows this, yet whispers
“Deeper still…let’s go deeper.  Let the roots take hold”
He gently picks up my head and tells me to look around. 
I do and I see something
It takes me by surprise; it is so off-putting –so ugly.
 Weeds.

 I have replanted myself and have emerged into a place of shallow soil. 
Where can my roots go?
I am here, in the shallow, surrounded with weeds created by me.
As I laid in despair, weeds named “Fear” and “Control” sprung up and have choked.
They have stunted my growth.
They have taken my ability to re-seed and multiply the beauty of my Gardener.
When did this happen?
How quickly and easily they have come!
It started with one; he calls himself “Fear.” 
He has many friends
Their names:
“Anxiety” 
“Control”
“Selfishness”
“Resentment”
These weeds have seen my thwarted plans and losses,
They have taken advantage of my vulnerability.
I didn’t keep my face lifted, and in they quickly crept
The “friend” most familiar right now is “Resentment.”
He pretends to keep me company and points out others
They are unhealthy, but not yet diseased, as I am.
The question comes as I look at them –“why me?”
What an ugly question to ask
That is the moment “Resentment” introduces me to “Self-Pity”
I hang my head in shame
Oh my Gardener, forgive me!
Forgive me for allowing these weeds, these hideous pretenders,
They replace the real Truth
They take my face from You!
You have promised plans for me. 
I want those perfect plans
I want to take root and say “Come what may”
Please pull these weeds out of my way.
Rescue me.
Show me how to get out
Plant me by a stream of living water.
Where I can drink the peace that you promise to give
A peace that is hard comprehend.
I have known such a sweet peace.
I have tasted it before
I long for it again.
You tell me to lift my head toward You and empty my worry
You tell me to ask you for help
You tell to practice thankfulness, and to keep dancing, even in the storm

This is what brings peace
You pick me up and replant me exactly where I belong,
You shine on me and give me life
I will forever lift my head and dance for you, My Gardener

Philippians 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 58:11
“You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”


**I’m happy to be linking up to these parties.

She Speaks Conference
She Speaks Conference is “about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God.’  This describes my heart, so I have stepped out of my comfort zone 🙂 and applied for this SheSpeaks Scholorship.  We will see what God does with it, but going to this conference has been a desire of my heart for a couple years now, and I would get to meet HER!! So… I will wait with uncomfortable anticipation for the announcement of the winner!

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Being Held

I’ve had an influx of subscribers lately, so I thought I would start this by filling you all in a bit on where I am at in my cancer journey.

Here is a timeline:
Aug 2010-diagnosis: Stage 3 Invasive Ductal/Lobular Carcinoma
Sept 2010-port surgery
Sept-Nov 2010- chemotherapy
Dec 2010 -mastectomy + reconstruction
Feb 2011-Radiation –28 rounds
TODAY- round 13, halfway done with radiation!!
May 2011-“phase 2” of reconstruction
June 2011- tattoo time (read more here..)

For details of the journey, click here or on the Caring Bridge button in the sidebar.

I have come far.  I have so much to be thankful for.  There are many ups and downs.  Today was a down, I write about it below… but I’ll get back up there.
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{Halfway radiation point & “down” isn’t my best look..but I do like my  new hat that looks old:)}

Journal

I was late for radiation today.

It was a hard morning…I just could not pull myself together in time.

My radiation therapist, Mr. Brad, was so kind, reassuring me that they can be flexible, and that it was ok.

I told him a bit of my hard morning, he listened and said he would pray.

Then, I told him, with tears flooding,

“I am weary”

He looked straight into my brewing storm and without hesitation, said:

 “but the Lord isn’t”

 

A nugget of truth that shot straight to my heart and immediately brought internal storm rest.  I exhaled and went on to face my day.

Oh Truth, sweet truth

From the written Word and the words of His people!

What would I do without Truth?

Truth has been harder to feel lately.

I KNOW truth, I SEE it, but it FEELS far away.

Lots of “static” in the way.

Busyness of thought that creates distance from grasping the feeling of truth.

I know I create some of that static, and I know that giving up a medication and adjusting to that give up creates static.  I also know some of it is just life right now.

It. Just. Is.

This said static got the best of me this morning–it was oh, so loud–it comes and I kick and fit and shake my fists.  Eyes up, head down, at times– in hands.  Tissue thrown in piles on floor.

I blurt my static…to Him.  To husband.  To my Carma friend.

Words of “whys” and “no’s” and fears and questions and closed hands and fed ups..my words.

“But Lord…”

“No Lord…”

“Enough Lord..”

Vivid dreams have turned from normal into nightmares.  Can I just have one day of my life before?  I don’t want this unknown anymore.  I want concrete, expected, easy.  I want pretty, no scars.

Lord, do you see?

My Lottie-3 -year- old- Mae, the bravest fighter, her mother torn from baby sister to seek treatment far away.  Leukemia in a child is enough, Lord, enough.  But..bacteria infection and pneumonia, too?  Families who love and yearn, torn from each others presence? It seems too much..

Lord, do you see?

The man after me, there for radiation therapy.  The only color in his face are blood shot eyes that are hollow, but still smile at me.

Lord?

My husband, who deals with enough by dealing with me. He is sitting at table, deep in thought, while shuffling the mounting bill piles, doing his best to make them all fit.

Lord.

The statistics they scare me, why can’t I have a concrete answer?  Please?  Stage 3a or Stage 3b? Which one is it?  It matters to me.. 70% or 39%?  Why can’t I let go of the numbers? Hands grasped, closed tight.  Digits grasping digits.

Oh Lord, and these women…

These dear, strong, fighting women.

Stacy, Nancy, Amanda, Stacia, Veronica, Elaine, Connie,  Gina, Michelle, Heather, Monique, Jill

Women who have felt lumps, endured scans, had parts of themselves cut on and cut out, allowed chemical chemo to flow through veins and radiation to burn both good and bad cells, who felt razors and cold air on scalp, have to take pills that keep wombs empty and all the while are wives and some mothers and burden bearers for each other.  Oh Lord, these women!

 Lord, do you see?

So. Much. Static.

The above is enough there is so much more.  Unnamed more.

Lord?…?

Then.. my Lord…
My GOOD, good, God…
He whispers to me.

“Yes, Amy, I see.”

 

“I know you are weary, but I am not.”

 

I SEE.  I, too, wept. 

I KNOW.  I, too, have scars.

 

I can handle your cries to me, My child.

I’m so glad you’ve come to me… 

For I am the Way.  The Truth. The Light.

 

I will make sense of tragedy.

I will be your burden bearer.  

Hand over the load. I was meant to bear it, not you.

 

Endure, child.

 

You know on this earth there will be pain and trials.

It was not meant to be this way, but it is.  

I will fulfill my promise to make it all right again, in my time.

 

This is what it is in an imperfect, sin- infested world.  

This is why I sent my Son, for a way out of it all.

 

You’ve tasted the hand of bitterness, do not let hatred numb your sorrows.  
Do not clinch your hand closed tight.



The wise hand opens slowly, to lilies of the valley and tomorrow…to Me!

 

I gave you the words to this song in your heart.

I gave you these words years ago, knowing you would need them in these fist shaking moments.

“This is what it means to be held, how it feels..

When the sacred is torn from life and you survive

This is what it is, to be held, and to know that the promise was 

when everything fell, you’d be held.”

I am holding you.

I have not promised a pain free world and life.  

But, I have promised that I AM Life, the Way, 

and I will be holding you every step.

These are God’s whispers to me.

 

I listen.

I search Youtube and find that song.


Natalie Grant

I listen again.

The static volume lowers to just a whisper and I find truth–and I am held.

{Words To Natalie Grant’s “Held”}

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held

 

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Music Renews/ Spiritual

When I Leave


“When I Leave” JJ Heller

Am I too busy chasing a temporary fortune
That my priorities get lost along the road
The seasons bring their moments
They linger for an instant
They never wait for you to pay the debts you owe

When I leave I want to leave a memory filled with love
The kind you don’t forget
When I go I want to be known
As one who lived with no regrets

If life is like a flower
Am I doing all that’s in my power
To leave a fragrance behind
It’s time to count my blessings
Forget about my savings account for a while

I want them to say
What a glorious day
She had so much to gain
But she gave it away
And I want them to see something different in me
And that I’m going to be free

Some glad morning when this life is over
I’ll fly away
To a home on God’s celestial shore
I’ll fly away
When I leave I want to leave a memory…

3
Books/ Spiritual

One Thousand Gifts-The Book!!

If you have read this blog long enough, you will know I am a huge fan of Ann Voskamp and her blog–The Holy Experience.

  I was so excited when I heard she was writing a book.  I ordered it from last week Amazon, it arrived in two days, and I am reading it through for the second time.  I can’t tell you how much I love this book!  I feel it changing me already.  It is called:

–a dare to LIVE FULLY right where you are.

It is the perfect book for me to chew on as I am entering in the (hopefully) final phase of this cancer fight-6 weeks of radiation.  After fighting cancer, I have a huge desire to fully live. This book is giving me an idea of just how to do that.

 I. Love. It.

I want to buy a copy for every one of my friends!!
It is that good..

Here is what the back cover of the book says:

One Thousand Gifts beckons you to leave the parched ground of pride, fear, and white-knuckle control and abandon yourself to the God who overflows your cup. As Ann Voskamp invites you into her own moments of grace, she gently teaches you how to biblically lament loss, turning pain into poetry; intentionally embrace a lifestyle of radical gratitude/ and slow down and catch God in the moment.

Please take a peak at this awesome video.  It speaks my heart.  It puts into words all the things that this battle for my life has caused me to think about, to ponder.

If you are interested in the book, you can order it at Amazon, where it is doing quite well!  It has 5 stars and 215 reviews…I’m not alone in my praise of this book!

If you use this link to purchase the book, I will get a small percentage to help support this site.  Thank you!

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Cancer Journey

{**The following is an entry from my Caring Bridge journal.  If you would like detailed updates on my health, please visit my Caring Bridge site by clicking here.}

These next two journal entries are pretty different from each other, despite being written one day after the next.  Peaks and Valleys…
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Oh how God makes me laugh!!!


I went to my PT yesterday, first time since my biopsy.  I had been surprised that my range of motion was feeling good, despite surgery.  

I showed her what I could do, and after looking at my cording she said “Amy, I think that biopsy was a blessing in disguise…that large, thick cording is gone.”  

HA!!
HAHAHAA!

Isn’t God funny?

He knows the plans He has for me.  He takes things that are scary and painful and makes them beautiful.  He is full of surprises and He is so very, very faithful to me!!  

The thick cord ran right to the lump that I had removed.  The incision was enough to release the tension.  I just can’t believe how cool that is…

There is still some cording, but she measured  my range of motion and it jumped to almost perfect.  I still have some work to do, especially with building up strength in my pecs and shoulder,but without that thick band running up my armpit, I will get somewhere. 

I have learned by looking back on trials in my life, that in each one there is a treasure.  Sometimes I have to look hard.  Sometimes the treasure does not show up until years later.  I love that this time He showed me the treasure right away.  

Here is what I have been hearing Him say to me, mostly through His Word, some through song…

“See Amy, I got you!” 
“You are mine”
“Wait on Me”
“I will show You great and mighty things”
“I won’t waste your tears”
“You don’t need to know outcomes, because I do”
“Even if the outcomes are not what you want, I will give you a supernatural strength to get  through them” 
“Whether on earth or in Heaven, you will never be without me”
“Rest, Child, Rest”

I am resting.
I am rejoicing.
I am thankful.
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I read my last journal entry and cry.

He gives me so much, so much more than I deserve.  

Life. 
Grace. 
His word.

I say I am thankful…and then…life happens.

Something as simple as a dream can trigger discontent.

I used to fear nightmares, now I fear good dreams.  The ones where I can run fingers through hair and feel care free.  Where all is set right and there is no awareness of what it feels like to fear death and unknowns–ignorant bliss.  I wake to a reality that is jarring.  Bickering children, chest muscles stiff & hurt to move, the memory of another lump felt by me and husband before drifting to sleep.   

“Come what may“

Why are those words so fleeting, impossible to grasp?  Every fiber in my being screams “NO!”  Evidence that my will is wanted, not His. 

Is this the learning?  Is this why the Apostle Paul says “I have LEARNED, no matter what state I am in, to be content?”

Is this learning something I will ever truly grasp?  Days like today it feels so far away..  

I’ve been shown the way.  I walk in it…then suddenly..the path feels cut off, and I’m left groping in darkness.  



“Light of the world, you stepped out into darkness.  Opened my eyes let me see.”


He has shown me, I’ve known His light.  

How is it that even in light revelation, even with eyes opened, emotions stay in the dark, closed.  

I am weary.
I want all of this to be over.  
I’m tired of lumps, of fear, of scalp showing.
I don’t want to be “that girl” anymore…the one with the branded ”C” for all to see–this is why I long for hair.  Not for beauty’s sake, but for anonymity.  
I want to blend in.
I want to hide.

I know to be hidden is to give into darkness.  I cannot hide in the light.

Yes, I want all of this to go away…

..but..

…an even stronger desire of my heart flickers.  
Not by my doing, but His.

A spark– one that is gently blown on by the Holy Spirit, ignites and becomes flame.  

Becomes light.

It’s warmth beckons me and I remember it is a light that never, ever, goes out.

 I will claim the truth of His word, despite what emotions tell me
because…

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

Psalm 119:105


It is your Word that turns spark into flame and flame into fire and fire brings light. I take a step called faith out of hiding and I begin to feel warm and safe.

 Emotions follow truth.  


These are the lessons of contentment.  I am learning, so, like Apostle Paul, I too can say that I have learned.
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His Word That Brings Light:


PSA 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid? 


PSA 130 The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

PROVERBS 6:23 For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life.

ECC 2:13 I saw that wisdom is better than folly, just as light is better than darkness.  ECC 58:8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

1PE 2:9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 

1JO 1:5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.

v.7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

REV 21:23 The city of Heaven does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp.  

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Spiritual

A Real & Healing Transfusion

 Found this in my journal, written last spring.  Sticks, pokes, needles and IV’s were not a part of my life then, as they are now.  I found it interesting, that I would write about it.  Yesterday before surgery, I had to unhook my IV bag and straighten tangled tubes a couple times to get up and go. As I was taking the solution bag off the hook, I was reminded of this writing.

I need help to love from an outside source.
A transfusion.
Less of me, more of Him.

He is True Love
He is a life-giving flow that pulses through my veins.
Without it, without Him
My heart is..

Empty.
Weak-pulsed.
Sick.

Unable to keep up with the demand that life brings,
Everywhere I turn
Vessels waiting to be filled
Yearning and crying out for nourishment.
They are small, weak, frail.

Dying.

Some are my own
Some are not.

Why do I try to give an infusion without the life source supply?
I’ve been given un-ending flow of red, spilled for me

Given a promise that allows me to live,
That gives me breath-
And movement-
And life.
Instead, I stick myself and others with what is meant for good
But instead– it hurts.

I want to love.
I want to have patience.
I want to be a life giver.

But–a crucial step is missed.

I forget about His
Never- ending
All- powerful
Miraculous
Infusion that is before me at all times

Hanging within arms reach.
A price paid by the Father God
The spent and spilled blood, meant to transform

I just need to look up.
There it sits. Hangs, really.

Untapped.

At times I glance up, then life distracts.
I try to infuse,
Sometimes clumsily,
Sometimes with great skill,
But it is useless, as there is

No motion,
No connection,
No awareness.

Just distraction.

How am I  to love without Love?
How am I to give life without Life?
How am I to love without living loved?

What am I hooked up to?
Am I trying to survive by plugging into others love?

Worthless.
Unfulfilling.

Reminders of my need of True Life.
Reminders of my weakness.

His blood alone, not others, will heal.
Will quench thirst and sooth veins,
Plumping and making them strong again.

I look to the source
I see the red flowing
A beautiful journey though tubes of mercy and grace

Dancing, moving
Always moving towards me, not  away.

Ready to enter in.
Ready to give life.

Needle inserted
It will bring healing as I allow His blood love to flow into me,
Infusing me.
In with Him, out with me.

From weak and dying
To strong and restored to life.

I am now ready.
I can now give,
I can love
I am tapped in.
Ready to love living loved.




The prayer that followed:


Lord, I feel numb and tired. 
So tired of this fallen world, of my flesh and the drowning.  
The enemy continues to fulfill his plans in those I love.  In me.
But, you say you know your plans for me.
I know nothing happens without your awareness and that your eyes are on this child. 
I’ve been trying to love without Your love.  
You’ve given me a clear answer, to plug into your love, to fill up with your love
Then I will outflow love.
Show me how to do this.
I want a year full of plugging into you.
You through me.

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