Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Cancer Journey

{**The following is an entry from my Caring Bridge journal.  If you would like detailed updates on my health, please visit my Caring Bridge site by clicking here.}

These next two journal entries are pretty different from each other, despite being written one day after the next.  Peaks and Valleys…
Oh how God makes me laugh!!!

I went to my PT yesterday, first time since my biopsy.  I had been surprised that my range of motion was feeling good, despite surgery.  

I showed her what I could do, and after looking at my cording she said “Amy, I think that biopsy was a blessing in disguise…that large, thick cording is gone.”  


Isn’t God funny?

He knows the plans He has for me.  He takes things that are scary and painful and makes them beautiful.  He is full of surprises and He is so very, very faithful to me!!  

The thick cord ran right to the lump that I had removed.  The incision was enough to release the tension.  I just can’t believe how cool that is…

There is still some cording, but she measured  my range of motion and it jumped to almost perfect.  I still have some work to do, especially with building up strength in my pecs and shoulder,but without that thick band running up my armpit, I will get somewhere. 

I have learned by looking back on trials in my life, that in each one there is a treasure.  Sometimes I have to look hard.  Sometimes the treasure does not show up until years later.  I love that this time He showed me the treasure right away.  

Here is what I have been hearing Him say to me, mostly through His Word, some through song…

“See Amy, I got you!” 
“You are mine”
“Wait on Me”
“I will show You great and mighty things”
“I won’t waste your tears”
“You don’t need to know outcomes, because I do”
“Even if the outcomes are not what you want, I will give you a supernatural strength to get  through them” 
“Whether on earth or in Heaven, you will never be without me”
“Rest, Child, Rest”

I am resting.

I am rejoicing.
I am thankful.

I read my last journal entry and cry.

He gives me so much, so much more than I deserve.  

His word.

I say I am thankful…and then…life happens.

Something as simple as a dream can trigger discontent.

I used to fear nightmares, now I fear good dreams.  The ones where I can run fingers through hair and feel care free.  Where all is set right and there is no awareness of what it feels like to fear death and unknowns–ignorant bliss.  I wake to a reality that is jarring.  Bickering children, chest muscles stiff & hurt to move, the memory of another lump felt by me and husband before drifting to sleep.   

Come what may

Why are those words so fleeting, impossible to grasp?  Every fiber in my being screams “NO!”  Evidence that my will is wanted, not His. 

Is this the learning?  Is this why the Apostle Paul says “I have LEARNED, no matter what state I am in, to be content?”

Is this learning something I will ever truly grasp?  Days like today it feels so far away..  

I’ve been shown the way.  I walk in it…then suddenly..the path feels cut off, and I’m left groping in darkness.  

Light of the world, you stepped out into darkness.  Opened my eyes let me see.”

He has shown me, I’ve known His light.  

How is it that even in light revelation, even with eyes opened, emotions stay in the dark, closed.  

I am weary.
I want all of this to be over.  
I’m tired of lumps, of fear, of scalp showing.
I don’t want to be “that girl” anymore…the one with the branded ”C” for all to see–this is why I long for hair.  Not for beauty’s sake, but for anonymity.  
I want to blend in.
I want to hide.

I know to be hidden is to give into darkness.  I cannot hide in the light.

Yes, I want all of this to go away…


…an even stronger desire of my heart flickers.  
Not by my doing, but His.

A spark– one that is gently blown on by the Holy Spirit, ignites and becomes flame.  

Becomes light.

It’s warmth beckons me and I remember it is a light that never, ever, goes out.

 I will claim the truth of His word, despite what emotions tell me

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.”

Psalm 119:105

It is your Word that turns spark into flame and flame into fire and fire brings light. I take a step called faith out of hiding and I begin to feel warm and safe.

 Emotions follow truth.  

These are the lessons of contentment.  I am learning, so, like Apostle Paul, I too can say that I have learned.
His Word That Brings Light:

PSA 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life–of whom shall I be afraid? 

PSA 130 The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

PROVERBS 6:23 For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life.

ECC 2:13 I saw that wisdom is better than folly, just as light is better than darkness.  
ECC 58:8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

1PE 2:9 But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 

1JO 1:5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.

v.7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

REV 21:23 The city of Heaven does not need the sun or the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God gives it light, and the Lamb is its lamp.  

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  • Dominique@Delightfully Domesticated
    March 1, 2011 at 3:55 am

    Wow. This was truly beautiful. It made me a bit teary eyed as well. The fight you are going through is the same one that has plagued everyone woman in my immediate family. I do understand what you going through. But I do have to say, your words remind me of Job. To be able to praise Him despite your present cirumstance is a lesson we all need to learn. Thank you so much for sharing!

  • Amy Bowman
    February 17, 2011 at 4:51 am

    Pamela-thank you for your kind and encouraging words. “our victory is learning to live in both” Love that.

    Nikki-it means the world that you would comment. it brings me such relief that anyone can see light in me. that is God’s grace. just letting me know you are reading and around is so comforting…the perfect words. Thank you.

  • *Nikki*
    February 13, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    You know amy..i don’t comment much but I read often because alot of times I feel lime I never have the right words to say..words worthy enough to strengthen an already strong God tells us to be IN the world but not OF the world …and in my humble opinion I think by you NOT fitting in…you make the Lord’s light in you shone brighter

  • Pamela
    February 13, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Breathtakingly honest and beautiful. I think even King David had these thoughts. Reading the Psalms we find him in despair in one, praiseful in another, and looking for God in still another. The consistent peace we long for wasn’t a constant theme then and it’s not now. Sometimes light, sometimes darkness. Our victory is learning to live in both.

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