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anxiety

Counting Gifts/ FAMILY

One Thousand Gifts #16

 holy experience
One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are

{383 through 410}

~ a “sister road trip” and our safety

~chubby baby nephew thighs

~comfortable silence with sisters

~Kansas award winning Maple Butter BBQ Sauce

~3 movies in the car, major chill time

~a heart that longs, missing my kids

~apples and almond butter

~hand-me-down “new” clothes from sister

~fun hand-me-down fashion show

~grown- up sister quarrels over who gets what clothes

~manicures and pedicures

~music by Moby

~candy bar latte x 4–sipping sisters

~inappropriate talk with sisters:)

~communication clarity

~morning breakfast shakes that nourish all day

~days of quiet, time to rest

~morning routine and calm it brings

~chore board=chores finished!

~everything green

~scans

~contrast going down smooth

~medical insurance

~legs that work and walk

~peace when I should have “scanxiety”

~a blessed lunch with mom

~a mom that sits and watches as my bones are scanned

~a phone call from friend Karma–“I’ve made dinner for your family tonight.”  I answer the call right after complaining to mom that I have no groceries and no dinner plan.  A God kiss on scan day.

4
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

The “What’s Next” On My Cancer Journey

{do you love how I turn to the side so only one ear shows?? Bwaha!  Me and my ear insecurities…actually, I’m pretty much over it…pretty much.:)}
I recently took a poll and you, my readers, communicated that you want to hear my health updates, so that is what this post is.  It is the last 2 journal entries at my Caring Bridge site.  They are pretty informational about the “what next” so they will fill you in on where I am at.  If you want even more details, you are welcome anytime to visit me at Caring Bridge. 
Thank you for being such a caring community!!
——————————-

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2011 9:54 AM, CDT
Well, it was a bumpy week mood wise, but it seems like the road is smoothing out ahead.  We’ll see.:)

I saw Dr. Hinze, my plastic surgeon last week.  I always leave with a smile from his office.  THEY ARE ALL SO NICE.  The nurses were giddy over my new hair growth, which was “mussed up” by Dr. Hinze the minute he got walked in the room. He is so funny.  

I had 3 small scar areas that just were not healing up.  He took one look and knew what needed to be done.  There were 3 little suture knots on the inside that would not dissolve.  He fixed me up in minutes (my scar area is numb–thank goodness!!) and I am amazed!  I was so frustrated with my body that it just wouldn’t heal right, but just 4 days after his procedure, those spots are almost gone.  Amazing.

There is some asymmetry that he is going to fix in about 4 weeks if Dr. Midathada gives the ok.  I have ribs that flare a bit on the left so he will do a quick right implant exchange–gotta go bigger:-) It is a simple, outpatient surgery.  Healing should be easy, thank goodness it is my right side so he can make the incision on skin that was not radiated.  I AM SO EXCITED.  I really am happy with my reconstruction results, but this will take them from good to GRRREEAAT!:P

I have an appointment with Dr. Midathada, my oncologist, tomorrow morning.  I am eager to hear her thoughts and the “now what” plan.   

I will fill ya’ll in on the plan when we get on.
xoxo to you all.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the Lord & He will sustain you! 

—————————

TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2011 3:03 PM, CDT

My appointment with Dr. Midathada went well.  It is always so good to see her.

She was pleased with my energy level and checked me out thoroughly.  

My white blood cell count was a bit low, but she was not concerned and said I tend to run low normally.

I will be having scans next Monday.  A CT scan and a bone scan.
Scanxiety!
 Dr. wanted to have a baseline scan.  The bone scan will show if those original areas that lit up on my ribs went away, and will check a sore spot I have on my left scapula, it is about the size of a dime and has been sore for about a week or so. I notice it every time I reach forward. I did some sit ups last week, I am hoping I just came down too hard on it or something. ? 

I get to drink lovely contrast for scans–can’t wait!

We should have the results the following day–Tuesday–I will try to keep the “scanxiety” to a minimum until then.  I’m actually doing fine with this–so far.;)

I will be seeing her again in 3 months.  

She explained to me that there are certain types of cancers that, once the patient has hit the 5 year mark, she can confidently say that they will not see that cancer again, and if they ever get cancer again, it would be a whole new, different type. 
 She said for breast cancer and melanoma (I’ve had both now), she cannot say that.
 These cancers can return years after diagnosis, so I am to get comfortable with that reality and just be aware of my body’s signals and faithful with checkups.

This reality is one I have spent the last few weeks trying to come to grips with, and I know that as I continue to grow and continue to trust, that I will figure out how to fully live with it.  So much of the battle is with fear and unknowns, but God has shown me over and over that I am His child and that He’s got me no matter what.  He has shown me that He is faithful and trustworthy.  So it is my job to keep CHOOSING to trust.

Of course, my Jesus Calling book was perfect for the day.  I love that book!  It said:

TRUSTING Me is a moment-by-moment choice.  My people have not always understood this truth.  After I performed miracles in the wilderness, My chosen children trusted Me intensely–but only temporarily.  Soon the grumbling began again, testing My patience to the utmost.
Isn’t it often the same way with you?  You trust Me when things go well, when you see Me working on your behalf.  This type of trust flows readily within you, requiring no exertion of your will.  When things go wrong, your trust-flow slows down and solidifies.  You are forced to choose between trusting Me intentionally or rebelling: resenting My ways with you.  This choice constitutes a fork in the road.  Stay on the path of Life with Me, enjoying My Presence.  Choose to trust Me in all circumstances.
Psalm 31:14
But I trust in you, Lord;
I say “You are my God.”

2
Spiritual

Learning To Dance




I have been quite reflective lately as I celebrate the end of the “big T’s” (chemo, mastectomy and radiation).  Looking back over the last 7 months of this fight, I simply cannot believe the goodness of God and how He has given me such sweet touches of Himself, letting me know He was holding me every step of the way. 

 This is a post, written last October in the middle of chemotherapy treatments, and it brings tears to my eyes to think of how my God and I have DANCED!
Sometimes, the dance was not pretty..at all.
I struggled against His lead–still do–for I am still learning.
But the dances that I have learned and overcome? 
They are sweet, sweet memories of my Savior holding me close, as we danced.
—————————————-
I sat at Starbucks for a few hours yesterday and spent some time reading God’s Word.  I came upon the parable of the Sower in Matthew 13.  It inspired this…
I am a seed planted lovingly by the Gardener.
He is in Control.

He takes care of me.

The seeds He plants are special. 
Special because He gives them choice
He lets me choose whether or not I will allow Him to sustain me.
He knows what is best for me. 
He watches over me when the storms and winds come. 
He asks me to remain planted, and allow Him to do the work. 
He asks me to just submit and to keep my face upturned to Him,  
 
Face turned, I dance in worship to the One who gives beauty and life.
At times the gardener must strip me, and it is painful. 
I wonder if I’ll survive the deadheading, the pruning.
Petals fade, head hangs low. 
It takes great effort –choice— to turn upward.
The season is cold, I lie waiting, the loneliness overwhelms.
I know my Gardener is there.
I believe His promise,
He cares for me, though I am weak and small.
 I know this, yet do I really trust Him?
In this storm, within the fierce winds, I hear His whisper…
”Trust deeper, my beloved one. I am here”
“Do you believe me?”
I want to. 
I want to believe that He will breath life into mine and make me strong again. 
I believe that spring will come
 But there is the problem.
I want spring to look a certain way. 
I want spring to bring the familiar.
I want to be planted in the same place that I was before, amongst those whom I love.
My Gardner knows this, yet whispers
“Deeper still…let’s go deeper.  Let the roots take hold”
He gently picks up my head and tells me to look around. 
I do and I see something
It takes me by surprise; it is so off-putting –so ugly.
 Weeds.

 I have replanted myself and have emerged into a place of shallow soil. 
Where can my roots go?
I am here, in the shallow, surrounded with weeds created by me.
As I laid in despair, weeds named “Fear” and “Control” sprung up and have choked.
They have stunted my growth.
They have taken my ability to re-seed and multiply the beauty of my Gardener.
When did this happen?
How quickly and easily they have come!
It started with one; he calls himself “Fear.” 
He has many friends
Their names:
“Anxiety” 
“Control”
“Selfishness”
“Resentment”
These weeds have seen my thwarted plans and losses,
They have taken advantage of my vulnerability.
I didn’t keep my face lifted, and in they quickly crept
The “friend” most familiar right now is “Resentment.”
He pretends to keep me company and points out others
They are unhealthy, but not yet diseased, as I am.
The question comes as I look at them –“why me?”
What an ugly question to ask
That is the moment “Resentment” introduces me to “Self-Pity”
I hang my head in shame
Oh my Gardener, forgive me!
Forgive me for allowing these weeds, these hideous pretenders,
They replace the real Truth
They take my face from You!
You have promised plans for me. 
I want those perfect plans
I want to take root and say “Come what may”
Please pull these weeds out of my way.
Rescue me.
Show me how to get out
Plant me by a stream of living water.
Where I can drink the peace that you promise to give
A peace that is hard comprehend.
I have known such a sweet peace.
I have tasted it before
I long for it again.
You tell me to lift my head toward You and empty my worry
You tell me to ask you for help
You tell to practice thankfulness, and to keep dancing, even in the storm

This is what brings peace
You pick me up and replant me exactly where I belong,
You shine on me and give me life
I will forever lift my head and dance for you, My Gardener

Philippians 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 58:11
“You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”


**I’m happy to be linking up to these parties.

She Speaks Conference
She Speaks Conference is “about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God.’  This describes my heart, so I have stepped out of my comfort zone 🙂 and applied for this SheSpeaks Scholorship.  We will see what God does with it, but going to this conference has been a desire of my heart for a couple years now, and I would get to meet HER!! So… I will wait with uncomfortable anticipation for the announcement of the winner!

2
Spiritual

Peace

This is one of my all time favorite Christmas songs.  It makes my heart just soar when I listen to it, I especially love the words “Peace On The Earth Tidings Of Good Cheer.”  I love the beginning of the song, I think the choir and violins sound angelic, and the piano at the end is so calming and soothing. The song makes me think of these verses:


“And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying: ‘Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!'” (Luke 2:13, 14).

“For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).


Jesus as “the one who brings peace” has taken on a whole new meaning for me this year as I battle cancer.  As we unpacked our Christmas decorations, I found a glittery, silver sign that spells the word “Peace.”  I usually keep it in the living room during the holiday season, but this year I decided to be selfish with it, and put it in my bedroom.  
It has been a beautiful reminder to me, especially when fear rears its ugly head.  More than once, as my thoughts have started to spiraled down into the fearful unknown, that sparkly sign has caught my eye and  stilled the spinning.  
 “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).
These were some of the last words Jesus spoke to his disciples before his crucifixion.  He knew they would soon be experiencing such pain and turmoil as they watched him die.  
BUT…the grave did not keep Him, as three days later he appeared to them and greeted them saying
“Peace be with you” (John 20)

Lately, I have been noticing in my reading, reminders to be obedient.  Little reminders to me that I need to pay attention to what God has for me, that His word has all I need, that I need to take “take heed” to what it says.  When Jesus says to…
 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6, 7).

 …do I take that seriously?  Am I making sure my anxious thoughts are stopped when I realize that I am thinking them, and instead choose to give thanks and ask Him for help?  Do I believe that His peace will guard my mind as I choose to do this?  
“Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, The Holy One of Israel: ‘I am the LORD your God, Who teaches you to profit, Who leads you by the way you should go. Oh, that you had heeded My commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea’ ” (Isaiah 48:17, 18).

This verse reminds me that I need to take heed to His commandments, and follow His way, then my peace will be like a river! This is a beautiful promise.

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord, is everlasting strength” (Isaiah 26:3, 4)

“My peace I give to you;– Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27).


“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world (John 16:33).


I am so thankful for my Prince of Peace, who has left so many wonderful promises and verses that contain the word “peace”


Websters definition:

Peace


peace is a state of tranquillity, quiet, calm, freedom from civil disturbance, A state of security – being secure within a community, freedom from oppression, strife and disorder. In harmony in personal relations. Untroubled by conflict, agitation or commotion.  Freedom from anxiety.


I’ll take it!!



1
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Learning To Dance

I sat at Starbucks for a few hours yesterday and spent some time reading God’s Word.  I came upon the parable of the Sower in Matthew 13.  It inspired this…
I am a seed planted lovingly by the Gardener.
He is in Control.

He takes care of me.

The seeds He plants are special. 
Special because He gives them choice
He lets me choose whether or not I will allow Him to sustain me.
He knows what is best for me. 
He watches over me when the storms and winds come. 
He asks me to remain planted, and allow Him to do the work. 
He asks me to just submit and to keep my face upturned to Him,  
 
Face turned, I dance in worship to the One who gives beauty and life.
At times the gardener must strip me, and it is painful. 
I wonder if I’ll survive the deadheading, the pruning.
Petals fade, head hangs low. 
It takes great effort –choice— to turn upward.

The season is cold, I lie waiting, the loneliness overwhelms.
I know my Gardener is there.
I believe His promise,
He cares for me, though I am weak and small.
 I know this, yet do I really trust Him?
In this storm, within the fierce winds, I hear His whisper…
”Trust deeper, my beloved one. I am here”
“Do you believe me?”
I want to. 
I want to believe that He will breath life into mine and make me strong again. 
I believe that spring will come
 But there is the problem.
I want spring to look a certain way. 
I want spring to bring the familiar.
I want to be planted in the same place that I was before, amongst those whom I love.
My Gardner knows this, yet whispers
“Deeper still…let’s go deeper.  Let the roots take hold”
He gently picks up my head and tells me to look around. 
I do and I see something
It takes me by surprise; it is so off-putting –so ugly.
 Weeds.

 I have replanted myself and have emerged into a place of shallow soil. 
Where can my roots go?
I am here, in the shallow, surrounded with weeds created by me.
As I laid in despair, weeds named “Fear” and “Control” sprung up and have choked.
They have stunted my growth.
They have taken my ability to re-seed and multiply the beauty of my Gardener.
When did this happen?
How quickly and easily they have come!
It started with one; he calls himself “Fear.” 
He has many friends
Their names:
“Anxiety” 
“Control”
“Selfishness”
“Resentment”
These weeds have seen my thwarted plans and losses,
They have taken advantage of my vulnerability.
I didn’t keep my face lifted, and in they quickly crept
The “friend” most familiar right now is “Resentment.”
He pretends to keep me company and points out others
They are unhealthy, but not yet diseased, as I am.
The question comes as I look at them –“why me?”
What an ugly question to ask
That is the moment “Resentment” introduces me to “Self-Pity”
I hang my head in shame
Oh my Gardener, forgive me!
Forgive me for allowing these weeds, these hideous pretenders,
They replace the real Truth
They take my face from You!
You have promised plans for me. 
I want those perfect plans
I want to take root and say “Come what may”
Please pull these weeds out of my way.
Rescue me.
Show me how to get out
Plant me by a stream of living water.
Where I can drink the peace that you promise to give
A peace that is hard comprehend.
I have known such a sweet peace.
I have tasted it before
I long for it again.
You tell me to lift my head toward You and empty my worry
You tell me to ask you for help
You tell to practice thankfulness, and to keep dancing, even in the storm

This is what brings peace
You pick me up and replant me exactly where I belong,
You shine on me and give me life
I will forever lift my head and dance for you, My Gardener

Philippians 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 58:11
“You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

24
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Getting Pain Checked Today..

 

{From My Caring Bridge Journal.  For updates to that journal, click here, it will take you to my Caring Bridge site.
There is an email option there, if you would like updates mailed to your inbox}
Well, have to keep this journal interesting, so my body is deciding to help out in that area– I guess?!

My spleen area decided to get angry last night.  It is pain right below my left rib area and goes around to my mid back.  It has been off and on lately, but it is the original pain that sent me to the doctor for an ultrasound in the first place, when we discovered all of this.  It is the rib area that “lit up” on the CAT Scan, so that is always on the back of my mind.  I know this, so I have been ignoring it wondering if its in my head:)

  It hurt quite a bit last night, worse than ever, so I finally made an appointment today at 3:00, to get it checked out.  I’m a little nervous.  Ignorance is bliss sometimes.  Pray that it is something simple.

I will also be getting my labs checked, hopefully they are up from 2 days ago!

My sister is in town and I get to help babysit my baby boy nephew tonight.  I’m so excited.  My dumb appointment better not mess with that lil’ date I got going on!

I’ll end on a positive note–It’s massage day today at 1:00!!  I’m going to take tylenol so I won’t feel my rib/back pain too much, then I’m going to relax and enjoy every minute!!  Can’t wait!!
 
1 Peter 5:7
“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 

 

4
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

A Cancer Diagnosis

As some of you might have noticed, I have not posted in awhile. 

I’ve been a bit busy— getting diagnosed with breast cancer.
How’s that for getting to the point?  

I want you to all know that I am ready to fight this thing.  I have so many who love me, and I have so much to fight for.  The last few days have been surreal and quite honestly, some of the hardest of my life.  I’ve already learned so much about myself, life, and love.  I know this cancer thing is going to be a great teacher in my life.  I’ve decided to allow it to do just that, but at the same time, will be doing everything in my power to kick it the heck outta here.

The tumor is quite large, 4 centimeters. {*update…MRI showed it to be 6 centimeters}  There may be lymph nodes involved, we are still in the initial testing phase.  I had a CT scan and a bone scan today, the CT scan did not show any other areas.  Praise God!  I will get bone scan reports on Tuesday.  Next week will be a busy week of MRI, PET scan and meeting with my Surgeon, then Oncologist.  We will know the exact stage the cancer is in and the plan of action by next Thursday.  I’ve been told by my doctor to be ready for aggressive treatment, which she guesses will include chemotherapy first, to shrink the tumor, then surgery.

I’ve had many different moments the last few days.  I have felt intense fear and anxiety to the point of physical sickness, but also moments of sweet peace and thankfulness.  It’s quite a roller coaster, a scary one that quite frankly I would really like to get off of.

We told my three girls tonight (ages 11, 9 & 7).  They were so very sweet. We cried together, they came to us for hugs, then they held each other. They asked lots of questions.  We were very honest with them and will continue to be.  They took it in a much more calm manner than what I expected, which was nice.  They are processing and will continue to do so.  We spent the last 10 minutes of our family meeting dreaming up a Halloween costume for their bald mama!:)  The best we came of with was  twins…my husband is bald.  🙂

This blog has always just been about my life.  If we make a craft, I share it.  A new recipe, I write about it.  Thoughts in my head…out they come down onto a post.  I really don’t know any other way to blog other than just share my life, so this blog is about to have a new subject added to it.  Cancer is life right now, it is pretty much an all consuming fight, so I ask you to bear with me as I write and fight.  I won’t be able to post as often, and the subject matter will be pretty real as I really don’t know how else to be.  Thank you so much for being such great readers and such an encouraging community.  I will let you as much as possible how I am doing.

Before I sign off, I’d like to tell you that the ONLY way I am getting through any of this is by the help of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He is my everything. He is faithful. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  I will praise His name no matter what happens. He has so clearly told me that He is with me, and will never leave me or forsake me.

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