Well, I saw Dr. M today, my Oncologist. She is the most calming person! She walks in and brings her smile, knowledge and care with her, which I always appreciate.
She felt my lump area, and was able to push through it and find a 1/2 centimeter area that she is wondering about. It is in the same area that a lymph node was found in my upper chest, right under my old port incision. She wants to look into it further with a breast MRI next week. I have an appointment on Monday and will have results a few days after that. Even if it is just a lymph node, it is right in the path between where my old tumor was and positive nodes under my arm, so she wants to keep a close eye on it. She also said that usually you should not be able to feel lymph nodes, and this is the second time in a month that she has, so an MRI is the way to go.
{It snowed today! Snow boots rock!}
She still feels like the largeness and roundness of what I can see in that area is due to radiated tissue moving around and bunching. That was relieving, in that if we do find cancer, its not this large tumor growing out of me. I’d much rather be dealing with cancer in a lymph node than a secondary tumor. I breathed easier when I realized this.
I could feel the area roll under her fingers as she felt around and it was a small bit tender. It gave me the ebee-jeebies when she would do it. Blech.
My initial blood work came back perfect. All white and red cell counts are right on! I look really healthy on paper, and feel pretty healthy, so I have decided to stop worrying (as much as possible) and act like I am healthy!
{reading blood test results}
I am doing much better emotionally. I say this every time– but the minute I let you all know about any health concerns, I am blanketed in peace. I know this is your prayers for me and it really is amazing. You help remind me that God has been and is so close and has brought so many amazing things my way while dealing with this cancer crap. He knows what He is doing, so I can let go. Why do I so often forget this??
Lately, I have lost my grasp of center. So much of it has to do with how I am spending my time and what I am ingesting– and I’m not speaking food here. No recipes in this post!
Does this make sense?
The mind is powerful, and what we choose to think on, listen to, and read has way more impact on us than what we might think. I’ve become a bit sloppy when it comes to what I was allowing into my thoughts, mind etc. Maybe lazy is the word? Don’t get me wrong..a bit of mindless t.v. is a-ok by me, but when what I am reading, music I am listening to, and things that I am watching all have the same negative message, it does eventually affect me! I find my thoughts gradually become more cynical, I react to life instead of respond, and my sense of center, of peace, slowly dissipates.
Intention.
Living an intentional life is what I so desire. In order to do this, I need to be grounded in truth, which means ingesting truth on a regular basis. This doesn’t just mean ingesting the Word, but also His Words through other people, through music and through reading. It means seeking out what I want my brain to be filled with.
When I am not living life with intention, I feel weak and vulnerable. Storms of life come and I’m blown over pretty easily. That happened this last week. We are in the process of again, checking a lump that we have been watching. I had a scan that lit up a bit, but is borderline. I meet with my Oncologist on Thursday to discuss the “now what.” It may be another biopsy or more scans or both.
I sure wish I could say that I respond well to these situations. You would think by now I would. This time I think my body just shut down and I took a 7 hour nap the day after the scan. It is amazing how emotions can affect the physical body, which makes being grounded and centered, at peace, even more important.
Confession time: Another thing that has taken my peace is pride. God through husband revealed a couple areas that I need to be more intentional in. They have to do with money, and I immediately go into excuse mode for my actions. I am a very frugal person if compared to the average Joe, and I just want to hide behind that instead of admit I could have been more intentional with my spending this month. I also want to blame food prices and cost of holidays. I want to blame anything but me, but if I am truly honest with myself, I can do better and need to. This revelation came in the middle of all the other static my health has created. Not great timing, kinda ticks me off really, but I think I am ready to open my hands and be responsible for what is mine. Closed fists creates blame and denial. Pity parties inhibit growth.
which means I am almost done with my pity party 😉 and I feel His Spirit working within to change my thought patterns. Nuggets of truth here and there. Gifts dropped in my lap from friends. A surprise visit from my Mom. An exciting opportunity to travel, speak and share my story come the New Year. These are all whispers, (some shouts) from God to me, some tangible, others not, but they all remind me that:
~He will never leave me or forsake me ~He knows the plans He has for me ~He has shown up in the past, within my pain ~He weaves stories, turning ashes into beauty ~He always forgives ~He meets my confession with compassion ~I can do anything through Him who gives me strength ~His promises extend to my children, and He cares for them more than I can imagine ~He is good, ALL the time. All the time, He is good. ~He makes ALL things, work together for my good! ~There is meaning and purpose in all that passes through His hands to me.
I will let you all know what Doc thinks after my Thursday appointment. In the meantime, I am holding to the truths in this song, lately with 2 fingers, but soon to be with both hands, empty..
I’ve written a post about portable puzzles before, but as the weather turns cold and we spend more time indoors as a family, I thought I’d share what we have been doing. Today we are starting our tradition of puzzle- making. Every year during Thanksgiving break, we get a new puzzle and try to finish it by the New Year. We are able to keep it portable and move it to whatever room we want to by keeping it on a bulletin board. The cork on the board makes it harder for pieces to slip onto the floor. It usually stays in the dining room, house central, where we can sit for a few and leisurely work on it. I find it is a great time to chill and chat with one of my girls. It never fails, if I sit and start working on it, one of them will join me. I love the memories we have made and conversations we have had while making puzzles, with candles lit and Christmas music playing!
Another way I encourage busy minds and hands is with a basket of card games sitting on a shelf. My girls are getting old enough to play each other. It is a great thing to encourage when I hear “Mom, I’m bored!”
I brought another shelf into the Living Room to put some board games on and also house some good family reading material. We have a ton of great games, but I find if I don’t have them upstairs on display, they just won’t get played very often, unless it is a holiday. I will switch the games out periodically as they play them so they don’t get bored with the choices. Boggle, anyone?
Back to the puzzles, we always take a picture of the finished product, which makes the tearing down process much easier on little ones.
This puzzle is from last year. I have vivid, precious memories of sitting there with my family and close friends, after surgery, working on that puzzle. It was nice to have something to do while healing that was interactive and in a central location so I could be with my family.
I cant tell you the gratitude I feel this Thanksgiving. More than I can express, more than I have ever felt. I am so, so, so thankful for LIFE!
I decided to let my children write the gifts this Thanksgiving week. We have printed out these little booklets, which they love, perfect for recording 7 gifts each day. They are perfectly kid-sized, a booklet made from one sheet of paper. Love.
Happy Thanksgiving Week my dear readers. Love to each and everyone of YOU!
Words of thanks from the mouths of my babes:
#744-#762
~snuggling everyday
~grandpa’s pool (it makes the list even in the winter:))
~big boy cousins
~sleepovers at Gma and Gpa’s
~Dad wrestling with us after our family show is over
~Snippy, our guinea pig
~”eating this grape” 🙂
~dates with mom and dad
~painting our nails
~cozy rooms
~when mom makes meat 🙂
~winter coats
~skinny jeans
~art supplies
~screens (tv, computer, nook, ipod, and nintendo ds)
~not being grounded from screens
~neighbor friends ~that my uncle is a dentist (lol-I ditto that one!)
~ 3 year old Lottie. Her sweet but fighting spirit. The gift of seeing her in person. Her hug that brought such emotions of thankfulness for life, hers and mine. Those new red curls of hers!!
~ a step family that treats me like the same blood runs through our veins. Such love and acceptance..it is overwhelming. So thankful to be included in the tradition of yearly Branson trips.
~Snickerdoodle Rum Chata enjoyed with Snickerdoodle cookies. The laughs and bonding that come with it.
{2 of my sisters:)}
~being stuck in a car with those I love for a full 2 days. Love road trips!
~cash handed to me by my dad as we left. The freedom and fun it gave the whole trip.
~the generosity of others…meals paid for. Thank you, Pam! Thank you, Grandma! Thanks for the Calamari appetizer, Valerie!
~time at Grandmas house. The memories it stirs of Grandpa. The blessing of him and his example to us. I miss you, Gpa!!
{ sister & shopping!}
~stuck with my sisters in a hotel room. Too. Much. Fun.
~meeting small new family members. Luke, Gracie Jo, little Leah and 10 yr old Leah.
{mmm, nom nom}
~sushi lessons from my sisters. Their joy that I am now part of the club.
~little girls that miss me. Their first words when I call “Mom, when are you coming home?”
~a husband that takes care of everything so I can enjoy “girl-time”
~my 12 year old, non-hugger, running to me with the biggest “welcome home” hug. I melted. She missed me! So thankful for my relationship with her.
~my girls delight in the gifts I brought them. They were small, but received with such thankfulness.
~a life that I am excited to come back to. The realization of what a blessing that is.
{its not all mine:)}
~a dent made in my Christmas shopping
~past posts on fear, words reminding me of what He has done & that they still ring true.
~a friends choice to move on from an old life. The fun in following the adventures of his new life.
~a home that needs me and my attention. Yes, housework is a gift, so is the time and ability to do it.
My babies are now 12, 10 and 9! I just can’t believe it! Where do the years go? I am loving every minute of being a mom. I feel so very lucky to call these little lovelies mine, always remembering that they ultimately are His. I know He will always take care of them.
I love you, my three beauties!
I remember singing this hymn as a child, for it was sung to me.
This remake of it is so pretty.
Love.
Be not dismayed what e’er be tide
God will take care of you Beneath His wings of love abide God will take care of you
God will take care of you Through every day, o’er all the way *He will care for you* God will take care of you
Through days of toil when heart doth fail God will take care of you When dangers fierce your path assail God will take care of you
God will take care of you Through every day, o’er all the way He will care for you God will take care of you
God will take care of you Through every day, o’er all the way He will care for you God will take care of you
