Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

A Health Update & A Confession

Lately, I have lost my grasp of center.  So much of it has to do with how I am spending my time and what I am ingesting– and I’m not speaking food here.  No recipes in this post!

 Does this make sense?

The mind is powerful, and what we choose to think on, listen to, and read has way more impact on us than what we might think.  I’ve become a bit sloppy when it comes to what I was allowing into my thoughts, mind etc. Maybe lazy is the word?  Don’t get me wrong..a bit of mindless t.v. is a-ok by me, but when what I am reading, music I am listening to, and things that I am watching all have the same negative message, it does eventually affect me!  I find my thoughts gradually become more cynical, I react to life instead of respond, and my sense of center, of peace, slowly dissipates.


Living an intentional life is what I so desire.  In order to do this, I need to be grounded in truth, which means ingesting truth on a regular basis.  This doesn’t just mean ingesting the Word, but also His Words through other people, through music and through reading. It means seeking out what I want my brain to be filled with.

When I am not living life with intention, I feel weak and vulnerable.  Storms of life come and I’m blown over pretty easily.  That happened this last week.  We are in the process of again, checking a lump that we have been watching.  I had a scan that lit up a bit, but is borderline.  I meet with my Oncologist on Thursday to discuss the “now what.”  It may be another biopsy or more scans or both.

I sure wish I could say that I respond well to these situations. You would think by now I would. This time I think my body just shut down and I took a 7 hour nap the day after the scan.  It is amazing how emotions can affect the physical body, which makes being grounded and centered, at peace, even more important.

Confession time:
Another thing that has taken my peace is pride.  God through husband revealed a couple areas that I need to be more intentional in.  They have to do with money, and I immediately go into excuse mode for my actions.  I am a very frugal person if compared to the average Joe, and I just want to hide behind that instead of admit I could have been more intentional with my spending this month.  I also want to blame food prices and cost of holidays.  I want to blame anything but me, but if I am truly honest with myself, I can do better and need to.  This revelation came in the middle of all the other static my health has created.  Not great timing, kinda ticks me off really, but I think I am ready to open my hands and be responsible for what is mine.  Closed fists creates blame and denial.  Pity parties inhibit growth.

I’m starting to unclench

which means I am almost done with my pity party 😉 and I feel His Spirit working within to change my thought patterns.  Nuggets of truth here and there.  Gifts dropped in my lap from friends.  A surprise visit from my Mom.  An exciting opportunity to travel, speak and share my story come the New Year.  These are all whispers, (some shouts) from God to me, some tangible, others not, but they all remind me that:

~He will never leave me or forsake me
~He knows the plans He has for me
~He has shown up in the past, within my pain
~He weaves stories, turning ashes into beauty
~He always forgives
~He meets my confession with compassion
~I can do anything through Him who gives me strength
~His promises extend to my children, and He cares for them more than I can imagine
~He is good, ALL the time.  All the time, He is good.
~He makes ALL things, work together for my good!
~There is meaning and purpose in all that passes through His hands to me.

I will let you all know what Doc thinks after my Thursday appointment.
In the meantime, I am holding to the truths in this song, lately with 2 fingers, but soon to be with both hands, empty..

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  • the Mrs.
    December 8, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Thinking and praying for you today.
    He is with you.

  • martha
    December 8, 2011 at 2:53 am

    Asked God to show Himself to you and give you all peace.

  • rachel wallin
    December 7, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    amy you are sooooo loved and such an awesome person. i am reading the comments at the bottom and am just amazed at the love that shows through in these strangers commenting on yor blog. its okay to have your days and weeks of weakness at least you pop back up and get right on track again some of us don’t and get in deeper and deeper into the world and find it very hard to come back out again. You are inspiration to us all.

  • elaine @ peace for the journey
    December 7, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Good to hear your heart this morning… you’re in my thoughts and prayers as you wait through this week.


  • Theresa R
    December 7, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Saying some extra prayers for Thursday. Cannot even remember how I discovered your blog but I can tell you it has touched me deeply. You are about half my age but you have taught me so much. God bless you and may He hold you in the palm of His hand. Just reading the other comments shows that He is surrounding you with love.

  • the Mrs.
    December 7, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Thank you for your visit, your comment. The Lord is so good, so wise…He knows just what we need, when we need it. I love the way He surprises us with who He uses to deliver it. 🙂

    “Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

  • Anonymous
    December 7, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Dee from Tennesse

    You have such a precious gift from the Lord for not just communicating but connecting. Prayers from my household to yours. Love in Jesus Christ! He is faithful…He is.

  • Chantelle @ Mommyx3=Insanity
    December 6, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    I am keeping you in my prayers! I love your goal and I believe that is exactly what a healthy relationship with god is: Seeking to become closer and closer to Him in all aspects of our lives. This too shall pass and you will be stronger for it!

  • the Mrs.
    December 6, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    Hello, I’ve stumbled into your blog from Pinterest and a link to a tangerine green tea recipe.
    I don’t normally comment on blogs I read….especially not the first time I read. But, some of what you said here….it’s as if we’ve met somewhere and had this conversation…about what goes in affecting what comes out. Two bible verses I use and throw myself upon often…
    I had to say hello. The Lord hears you. He draws near to the brokenhearted. He is the ultimate healer and lover of your soul.
    Isaiah 41:13 – For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one helps you.”
    God bless you and keep you in His perfect peace.

  • Leslie @ Farm Fresh Fun
    December 6, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    Praying for you! You share much that we all struggle with and reminders we all need to hear… May God Bless you!

  • Anonymous
    December 6, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Praying for good results for your test/scans etc. I’m sorry that you have to go thru this again and again. I admire your attitude. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Julie

  • Anonymous
    December 6, 2011 at 8:40 pm

    Special prayers for you. You have been through so much. I am surprised you have not had more difficult moments. If you look at the WHOLE picture and not just this small snapshot of time, you seem to have been amazing through it all!

  • Shauna Schmitt
    December 6, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Wow, talking about keeping it real, Thank you for that, thank you for your vulnerability, and your honesty. You sure did open my eyes and I myself will be working on unclenching my fists.
    Many Blessings and Prayers to you and your family.

  • adventuresindinner
    December 6, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    So needed this post. I’ve got the ‘my life is so good. Why am I so foul right now?’ and need to snap out of it. God really brings you what you need even when they are truths that you don’t want to hear.

    You’ll be in my prayers, especially on Thursday.

  • M Leslie Wray
    December 6, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    You are not alone. You are singing every woman’s song at one time or another. Don’t you hate it when your husband points something out and he’s right! Ugh. I, too, want to blame something or someone else. You are so beautiful and strong. Just remember on the down days…..this too, shall pass. Love you, Leslie

  • Cara
    December 6, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    I think we ALL deal with this, no matter where we are in life:( Prayers for you on Thursday!

  • Peggy
    December 6, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    Amen! Something I’ve been dealing with recently as well. The clenched hands and the closed heart… learning to let go, even when it causes me great distress. To lay the burden down and to forgive… others… and most importantly myself. To accept forgiveness!

    A word timely spoken!

    Praying for you

  • jennismith21
    December 6, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Oh girl! Totally speaking to my heart here. Thanks for being honest and vulnerable. God used it to reveal my own heart to me. Love ya!

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