I’ve learned enough in the past to know that when hardships come, I need to be alert to the lessons.
Most are small, tweaks to the character. But there are times when I feel turmoil that is bigger, and I then know that God is brewing something good, and I brace myself for the type of love and growth that comes through a storm.
When life is smooth sailing, nice and cool, I rest. These times of rest are precious, but I also find I get lethargic and lazy to the lessons. Days slip by and before I know it, I have not called out His name for far too long. A longing starts to stir within and I am missing the one who knows it all and all of me.
James 1. I would say this is my favorite chapter of mine in all of His word. Here is verses 1-5. Love.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
My heart has been heavy, and for once it is not due to health issues. A different storm stirring. New lessons brewing. In the midst I have had sweet reminders of His presence. A note from my former youth pastor, with words sweet and timely. A gift in the mail from my sister fighter friend, a necklace that brought an instant stream of tears as I felt it rest around my neck. It wrapped me not only in her love, but brought a whisper from Him–“I see you, all of you, and you are fully loved. This gift is from her & through her, but I led. I work through my people and my timing is perfect. Wear and feel my love around your neck.”
“Ok child, it is now time for this. Let’s conquer this one together.”
Sometimes I mistaken the imperfect packages He brings these lessons in, as the enemy. They are not. They are just messy, broken humans, as am I. I am learning to forgive and look past the package. I am learning to not take things so personally.
How? I am seeing myself through God’s lens.
Pure. Forgiven. Made new. Growing.
Learning is the key word here. My initial human response is defensiveness. Self pity. Lists of all the things I am doing right. Lots of “yeah, buts..” When any fault is pointed out in me, this is my natural response.
But, something is changing. It may be my initial response, but it is quickly being followed up by the sweetness of God whispers..”Forgiven. Made new. Growing.”
These beautiful song lyrics “you are more than the problems you create, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create. You have been remade!” {You Are More by Tenth Avenue West}
Swapped thought patterns, happening much more quickly. Growth.
This new storm brewing? It is hard to name, and honestly, it may just be more of the same, just deeper–from a different package. But sometimes the package it comes in makes all the difference, and makes a lesson thought conquered, brand new and intimidating.
But, God’s questions to me end up being the same..
“Do you trust me?” “Do you believe you are who I say you are?” “Is my opinion of you enough?” “Can you let go of defensiveness?” “Do you believe that I am good?” “Do you believe that I am just, that I will take care of others, that is is MY job, not yours?” “Do you believe that the good work I have started in you, I will be faithful to complete?”
Yes, Lord, I believe.
I trust.
You ARE good.
You are enough.
I will let go.
I give you the others.
I give you me.
You are faithful.
In Christ Alone by Owl City
It was over 15 years ago, I was 21 years old, a newlywed. I was sitting in church on Easter morning, terrified, with the question of “what if?” on my brain.
The day before, I received a phone call while at work, hairdressing. I was drying my last client of the day, and I was called to the front for a phone call.
On the phone was my dermatologist, whom I had visited just a few days before. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this over the phone, but you have skin cancer, and it is the kind that is not usually nice. Melanoma. If we caught it in time, you will be fine. If it is in the bloodstream already, your chances of beating it are very slim.
It was a very short phone call, I went back to drying my client’s hair, not sure how I was holding on to the hairdryer, as I felt numb all over.
I don’t remember much of that weekend, but I DO remember that it was Easter Sunday, and as I was sitting in church, the only thing I heard the Pastor say was..“you can experience the peace that passes all understanding when you know Jesus.”
Right as he said those words, a deep peace came over me. Fear took a back seat, and I experienced for the first time what that verse meant. It was such a sweet feeling.
That was early in my walk with God, and over the years I have grown in my knowledge of what it means to walk in peace and to trust in the plan He has for my life.
It has taken many, many lessons, and many screw ups on my part. God has proven over and over that He is worthy of my devotion, that He is good ALL the time, and that no matter what, He will never leave me.
My melanoma was caught in time, and surgery was enough to get rid of it. I was thankful but so young. I’m not sure I really got just how blessed I was that we caught it in time.
Fast forward 15 years. As you all know, I had another cancer diagnosis last year. Again, I felt the numbness that comes with that phone call. This time I was much older, wiser, and there was so much more at stake.
I had a husband of 14 years whom I had grown to love so very much, who I desperately longed to grow old with, and I had 3 little ones who would hurt deeply if anything happened to me.
These facts made peace hard to come by. If you followed my journey on Caring Bridge, you know my emotions were so up and down and my peace and trust were tested all throughout my cancer fight.
Fear raged, but, I also experienced a peace and trust that I never thought was possible. I fell very, very deep in love with my Jesus who has been by my side all these years.
I’ve always loved Him, ever since I was young, but oh the sweetness of Him that I experienced in this trial. Beyond what words can describe.
So tomorrow, I find myself facing yet another Easter Sunday, where I will sit with the question of “what if?” I have tests next week to check a spot on my kidney, and there is a possibility that cancer has visited me once again.
I have realized something this time, though. Fear has lost its grip.
That doesn’t mean it won’t rear its ugly head at times, but it does not consume me, and I am FREE. This trust I have found, it feels like rest, and that is what I am doing.
I am in His hands and I am at rest. I no longer feel panicked when I think of my 3 precious girls and that question “what if?”
I realized this week, that I finally, FINALLY I have been able to go even deeper into my trust and give them to HIM.
I know that the amazing God who has loved me all through my years will have their little hearts and will take care of them, no matter what.
And that man of mine that I love so very much? I know He has him, too.
I smiled and felt a chill when I realized this. As the song says below, “no guilt in life, no fear of death, this is the power of Christ in me.”
This Easter is a special one. I am remembering. I am remembering how He chose death, so I can be free from the fear of death.
He hung on that cross and took on my guilt, so I stand here free of guilt, despite how messed up I am. He overcame death so that I can have eternal life, forever with Him.
Lyrics:
In Christ Alone, My Hope Is Found
He Is My Light, My Strength, My Song
This Cornerstone, This Solid Ground
Firm Through The Fiercest Drought And Storm
What Heights Of Love, What Depths Of Peace
When Fears Are Stilled, When Strivings Cease
My Comforter, My All-in-all
Here In The Love Of Christ, I Stand
There In The Ground His Body Lay
Light Of The World By Darkness Slain
Then Bursting Forth In Glorious Day
Up From The Grave He Rose Again
And As He Stands In Victory
Sin’s Curse Has Lost Its Grip On Me
For I Am His And He Is Mine
Bought With The Precious Blood Of Christ
No Guilt In Life, No Fear In Death
This Is The Power Of Christ In Me
From Life’s First Cry To Final Breath
Jesus Commands My Destiny
No Power Of Hell, No Scheme Of Man
Can Ever Pluck Me From His Hand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power OfChrist
I’ll Stand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power Of Christ
I’ll Stand
Here In The Power Of Christ
I’ll Stand
Activities To Do With Children, In Remembrance:
Tell The Easter Story With A Playdough Mountain @ Desiring God
Resurrection Cookies With A Story @ A Bird And A Bean
Easy Resurrection Buns (scroll to end of post after clicking) @ Take Six
Lenten Repentance Box @ New Nostalgia
An Easter Lesson @ New Nostalgia
How To Make An Easter Garden @ Holy Experience
Make Hot Cross Buns @ Pioneer Woman
A Beautiful, Handmade Light Wreath, To Help Us Remember The Way:
A Light Wreath @ Holy Experience
Writings To Remember & Reflect:
His Mother Before The Cross @ A Holy Experience
A Song On Screen:
The Real Reason For Easter @ YouTube
I have had stomach pain, it started Monday night. Woke me up in the night both Monday and Tuesday. It was severe in the night, but during the day only bothered me slightly. It did keep me from running, which frankly ticked me off, and got me to the doctor. I was suspicious of gall bladder.
I had an ultrasound yesterday morning. Yes, they think my gall bladder may not be working properly and want further testing. That is what is causing pain.
But that is not why the doctor called me at the end of the day.
She called to let me know that there is a 1-2 centimeter spot on my kidney. It showed up in an ultrasound that I had in January and was cyst-like, so we were told to watch it due to my history. Well, it now looks more solid, a nodule or lesion. They are not jumping to conclusions but because of the definite change from the ultrasound in January, the radiologist suggest further testing due to my history.
My primary care doctor is going to call my Oncologist for the “now what?” I expect a scan or two, maybe a biopsy. I will know more next week.
You have all so graciously come along on this journey with me, so I want to keep you informed. It seems like these “bumps in the road” may just be a way of life– these ups and downs with my health. I am ok with that. I have done my pouting in the past and have come to accept the ‘what is.’ I am at peace, and so thankful for how many prayers have been answered on my behalf. So many.
I am also very thankful for the perspective that all of this brings. It is a gift. I find when pain forces me to face what we all need to face, that we are here on this earth for a short time, I live. I REALLY live.
I see more clearly. I think about what matters. I notice beauty. I touch and hug my kids more. I kiss my husband more (well, I would be if he didn’t have a cold :)) I treasure the moments with those I love. I eat it all up, and I am present. That, friends, is a gift, one that I would not have to this extent, if it were not for pain.
Emotional pain, physical pain, both bring perspective.
I reach out to my Heavenly Father in these moments, I rest in His love, and I find peace.
I will keep you updated. Again, it very well could be nothing. Hoping for the best!!
I pray that if you are in your own valley today, that you too, would find His sweet grace, that His voice would be louder than yours, that you would find shelter in the wings of God! He is the lifter of heads and the healer of hearts. So often He has lifted my head and cradled my heart. He takes our valleys and gives them meaning & purpose. He is a good, good God, one that we can turn to when we just can’t carry on ourselves.