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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Struggling Well & a Health Update

I am in a Bible Study on Tuesday mornings at my church.  The title of the elective I chose is
Knees to the Earth: Prayer that Empowers a Woman’s Life
Knees to the Earth.
That is just such a beautiful visual to me.  It is a humbled posture.  Submitted.  Acknowledgement that we are but dust, as knees touch dust.  Often when we think of one on their knees, we thing of eyes closed & head bowed. A reverence.  One bowed in worship.
Expand our elective description and this is what it says:
“Knees to the Earth: Prayer that Empowers a Woman’s Life–learn how calling on God can help you struggle well.”
As I read the rest of the description of this elective, another picture enters my mind.  This one seems to  fits my reality.  I see one with knees touching dust, touching earth.  But her head is not bowed.  It is up.  Eyes raised, a bit desperate.  A face turned in expectation.  A calling out.  A “calling on God in order to struggle well.”
Just yesterday I had this calling out.  It was not a complicated calling out, prayer does not have to be. It was one desperate word: “Lord!”
I sit in my Oncologist office, vulnerable and weary from fighting flu for a week.  Being in this place at this time of year is almost eery, the memories of fighting stage 3b breast cancer, 2 fall’s before, come flooding back.  
My Oncologist, her hands, so soft, capable, sure & confident feel for lumps and bumps.  She pauses on my clavicle, I call it a collar bone.  The space between her brows narrow as she stays in that spot, one that I realize is tender now that it is being manipulated.  “Could it be just a lymph node?  I’ve been sick…” I ask with hope.  Her answer sends my heart racing.  “No, this is bone. But this is abnormal.”  She informs me that I will be having an X-ray right away, and depending on what shows up, a bone scan.  
She leaves the room and I study myself in the mirror.  I stare at my clavicle, a pea size bump stares back at me.  I start to talk inwardly to myself “We’ve had these scares before, don’t jump to conclusions.”  Yes, we have had these scares.  It seems to be a way of life for a cancer survivor.  The “What if’s” and “What’s that’s?”  But this feels different, and I know it is because it is bone that we are dealing with.  If cancer comes back in the bone, it is an automatic stage 4.  Not curable.
An xray tech comes to get me.  I am thankful for the interruption of thoughts…
___________
Would you kindly join me over at Equip Her to read the rest of the post?  

9
Love/ Spiritual

Seventy Times Seven

The song in the video below made me think, and honestly, I didn’t want to.  I just wanted to plug my ears and ignore it…

…these lyrics:
“This is love.  This is hate.  We have a choice to make.”
Does this mean if I’m not choosing to love, then I am choosing to hate?  
Ouch.  
To often I wait around to make the choice until my emotions change.  I sit around in my funk and wait until I feel like being forgiving.  I wait until I feel like the person I have issues with is acting like one who deserves to be loved or at least acts in a way to make it easier to love them.  But this is not the way of Jesus.  
His Word says:
Do not say, “I’ll pay you back for this wrong!” Wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.
He says when asked how many times to forgive:
“Not seven, but seventy times seven.”
It is not natural.  It doesn’t feel right.  It doesn’t feel good.  
Yet, it is the way of Jesus, and I call myself a Christ- follower.  Who and what am I following really?  Love? Or hate?
And these lyrics:
“Give me grace to forgive them, cuz I feel like the one losing”
It has to be from Him, His grace, for me to take a step and swallow my pride and choose to love.  To face the real possibility of rejection.  To be brave enough to love despite not feeling loved, resting in the One who loves completely.  Is His love enough?  Do I grasp just how amazing His love is?  Do I rest enough in it that I allow it to fill the void, the breaks that happen to my heart from others who are also just needing grace and their cracks filled up, too?
Thank goodness God doesn’t wait to love me until I am acting like one who deserves to be loved.  Why do I think this is ok for me to do this to another?  
Ephesians 4:32

5 Minute Fridays

Welcome + 5 Minute Friday

Five Minute Friday

This week I’ve decided to join Lisa-Jo Baker’s 5 Minute Friday. 

“Where a beautiful crowd spends five minutes all writing on the same topic and then sharing ‘em over here. Where we just write without worrying if it’s just right or not.“
She gives a new word each week, and for just 5 minutes we write.  No extreme editing; no worrying about perfect grammar, font, or punctuation.  No perfectionism.
Unscripted, Unedited. Real
This weeks word?
“WELCOME”
GO

“Who’s at my door?” said in a sing song voice by a woman I have long admired.  One I want to be just like when I grow up.

We used meet regularly at her home, sweet memories full of family and food.  She would welcome us all, but her most special welcomes were reserved for the wee ones.  They always knew that Nana would welcome them with a smile, a hug and a “Who’s at my door?”

This is the first thing that came to mind when I thought of the word “Welcome.”  I can just see this lovely, saying her greeting as she opens the door, always followed by a hug.  The best of welcomes.

I would like to have my own welcome phrase, said to those who are most special to me when they come to my door.  Maybe it doesn’t have to be a phrase, maybe just a feeling.  And maybe it does not have to be to just those who are most special, but how about all?  Errr…even those I don’t want to open my door to? Hmm.

I wonder– how do I make those who visit my home feel when they come in?  Do I take just a moment to look in their eyes and smile with mine, letting them know they are seen, important and welcomed?

What about the most familiar faces that come through my door?  My husbands.  My daughters…

I decide to think about my own signature welcome.  Might I find my own way of showing them my open heart and a home that is theirs, where, like no other place, they can feel the most welcome.

STOP

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Music Renews/ Spiritual

Better Than A Hallelujah


“Better Than A Hallelujah” by Amy Grant
“We pour out our miseries…God just hears a melody“
Ultimately, God desires communion with us.  Relationship.
Not pasted smiles and raised hands and a forced “Hallelujah”
He wants us to come to Him raw and real.
Sometimes raised hands, smiles, and Hallelujahs are what is real.
Beautiful moments when we can’t help ourselves.
But other times, pounding fists and cries of “why?” and “help!!” are all we can give.
He wants those moments of ours, too.
Who better to take our fits to, who better to call out to, but the God of the Universe who can actually
do something with them?
bee96c8f78c28ae537348e427b391078
Source: via New on Pinterest
Last night I had a session of crying out to my Lord. I took a young lady whom I have grown to love so very much home, and the minute she and her friend stepped out of my car, a lump in my throat formed. I hurt for her.  I tell my Lord how hard it is to know the pain of a 13 year old girl who lost her Mommy to cancer. How amazing it is that she excitedly tells me her plans to honor her Mom as it has been almost exactly a year. What strength! How hard it is to know that this past year, she has had to be stronger than I could ever imagine being.
While it was still summer, she sings a song to me, one written for her Mom.  In it, she repeats over and over her desire to make her Mom proud.  It is the desire of her heart, a passionate, desperate desire.
Z-I KNOW your Mom would be so proud.  She would be so proud of the smiles you give and joy you bring.  She would be proud of that feisty spirit in you that yes, at times can make you stumble but you always get back up and gain perspective.  She would be so proud of your willingness to learn and grow.  She would love how you laugh at yourself, how you so vulnerably express sadness, how much you light up when you talk about her, how often you talk about her.  
 
She would be so proud of your nomination for the Empowerment program, of how your teachers have seen the leadership qualities in you despite your difficult year.  
 
There is no question in my mind. She would be so proud.
I cried a few tears to release the lump.  I accept that which I cannot understand.  I know I am heard.
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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

I Am Weak

I just feel like ‘talking’ today, so I’m gonna just start typing and see what comes out. Consider yourself warned.

Life has slowed me down for the day. This body of mine has slowed me down.

I am on a drug called Tamoxifen.  It is prescribed for women who have had ER+ cancer.  I’ve committed to taking it for 5 years, I am 1 1/2 years in.  It is protective against cancer, but comes with side effects.

Even though it blocks the receptors of estrogen, which is why it is prescribed for cancer patients, it also raises the level of estrogen in the body.  We all know unbalanced hormones can wreak havoc on the body, both physically and emotionally.  I am doing ok emotionally, a bit down & ‘quiet.’  Most of my  struggle lately is physical, which really if I am honest about it, eventually ends up effecting me emotionally.

These upset hormone levels are causing multiple ovarian cysts to form and shrink with each cycle.  Some of the cysts stay small and behave, but during some cycles they grow large (4- cm) and push on other organs in the body.  Where the ovaries are located, there just is not much  room to add another 4 cm mass, so it makes itself known in the form of nerve pain in my hip area, a gut that looks 4 months pregnant, and can cause extreme pain during digestion/elimination.  It causes me to wake up 4-5 times a night to use the bathroom, as the bladder is also in that area and these cysts can be space bullies.

Yesterday evening and today have been my worst days for pain.  If this continues my plan of action is to have shots that shut down my ovaries temporarily.  It may be the way to go, but I’m not quite ready for that yet.  It would mean instant menopause.  Maybe that would be ok.  I am already having some of the most dreaded symptoms of menopause-hot flashes have gotten much worse recently, another beautiful side effect of Tamoxifen and sign that my hormones are whack.  I am going to commit to praying for wisdom in this area, to know if I should move forward with the shots or not.  I was at this point 3 months ago, but then the most painful symptoms behaved for a while, so I wait.

 This is all part of my new normal.

It really is tiring to still be adjusting to a new normal.  You would think that I would just get it and submit to what is, but it is an emotional battle.  Oh man, that feels so familiar as I type it.  I know I have said this numerous times before.  Ugh.

Source: via New on Pinterest

On one hand, I feel so extremely grateful for life, and so thankful for this body of mine and how God designed us to heal and mend.  I feel quite content when I really think about what could be and what is.

But finding contentment in the midst of physical pain is a challenge for me.  I like to feel good.  I like to feel like I have energy.  I don’t like that my new normal includes a daily nap, and if I don’t get one I am checked out of life by 7 or 8pm.  I keep thinking “if I just eat right, if I just exercise, if I just…”  But I am finding that even doing all of those things, I am not able to “fix” my physical symptoms.  They are drug related and drug induced.

I write this not just for my own therapy-ha-but to keep a record of the on-goingness of it all.  I also know that I am not alone in these struggles.  I asked on my personal FB page about other survivor sisters who are on this drug & what they are experiencing. I had so many respond with their own struggles & symptoms.  It broke my heart. One sweet, strong sister ended her comment by saying “I went from feeling great to feeling tired & old.”

So now what?

Well, for today, I am marinading in these verses I read last night:

2 Corinthians 12:10-12 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

~I am going to continue to work on opening my pouting, clinched fists & claim the verse above, that “when I am weak, then I am strong.” 

~I am going to take my opened hand and allow the God of the Universe to hold it, and we will sit awhile today.  

~I will be ok with the sitting, and listen in the stillness to the voice of the one holding my hand.  

~I will give thanks for my weakness, for it causes me to stop and hear.  

~I will rest in the fact the “He knows the plans He has for me.”  

~I will feel his supernatural power as we hand hold, and use it to calm the fear of pain that I have.  

~I will not feel guilty for resting, but thankful that I have the time to rest.  

~I will think of others I know in far worse circumstances than I am in, and I will lift them up to the Creator.  

~I will do these things because I will have the time, thanks to my weakness.  

“For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

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Spiritual

His Words To Me

I just found this in one of my old journals. It was before my cancer diagnosis. I remember reading it when I was sick and clinging to the verses.

  I love truth that Scripture brings.  I wrote the verses out like they were speaking directly to me.  I encourage you to put yourself into the verses, too, for I believe His word was made for all of humanity.  You & me.
___________
My Beloved-(my name, Amy, means beloved)
There is no condemnation for you, for you are mine and I took care of that long ago–Romans 8:1
I did this so that in the ages to come, I could show you the incomparable riches of my grace, expressed in my kindness to you, my child, through my son, Jesus Christ.–Ephesians 2:7
For you, Amy, are my workmanship, created to do good works, which I, God, prepared in advance for you to do–Ephesians 2:10
For my grace was poured out on you abundantly, along with faith & love. —I Timothy 1:14
I have saved you and I have called you to a Holy Life–not because of anything you have done but because of my own purpose and grace.  This grace was given to you in Jesus Christ before the beginning of time–I Timothy 1:9
And I, the God of all grace, who called you to my eternal glory in Christ.. after you, my child, have suffered a little while…I will restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. —I Peter 5:10
For in my son, Christ, all the fullness of myself, the Deity, lives in bodily form and you have been given fullness in ME, for I am the head over every power and authority!–Colossians 2:9-10
You are full, complete washed and pure.  
Never separated from me
You have every spiritual blessing 
You are my workmanship, created for good.
I know the plans I have for you 
–says the Lord.
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FAMILY/ Love/ Marriage/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Everything Moves But You

{Click here to order this 5×7 art print in your choice of color}

Why is it that the minute I press “publish” on a post like yesterdays, it seems like right around the corner is test for me to put into practice the words I proclaim?

I write today because I want you all to know that despite so many blessings, life is tough, and brings many opportunities of growth.

My ‘test’ is really not a huge deal, it is a silly little disagreement between my husband and I that I know in time will work its way into an understanding, but in the meantime…emotions sure can swirl.  When you add the messiness of living life with other people, whether it is kids or family or friends, (or all of the above in one day!) well, life can feel like a tornado.

If you know me, you know I am a highly emotional person. I feel things deeply. When I took the Clifton strengths test, my top 5 strengths are all “feely” and emotional type strengths. My number one strength is empathy.  I’m just a bundle of feelings and emotions, that is how God made me.

Usually I love that. It makes me who I am and I feel like it allows me to live a life of depth and care for others.  But, there are some days when I despise it. Yeah, strong word, but true. It would be so nice to have a switch to shut the emotions off, or at least turn them down. I’m not talking tears here, well, sometimes, but usually when I need to turn it down a bit, it is when I feel angry or hurt or when I’m taking things too personally. The result can be a pit in my stomach that can literally hurt at times.

I’m learning to recognize that pit in my stomach feeling and use it as a warning to take heed and watch my reaction. Sometimes it just is not fast enough. Sometimes I just need time to sort out the “whys” of what I’m feeling, to sort out the reason for the intensity, so that I can have a discussion that is fair without my junk in the way.

So that is what I am doing today. I am sorting out my junk, in order to have a fair discussion. As I do, I am so thankful for my Lord.  I’m so thankful that as emotions swirl and fear comes along to wreak its havoc, that in the midst of it is this amazing, steady, unmoving God that says to me:

“Amy, I’ve got this. I am for you. You can trust me. You don’t need to change anyone but yourself, leave others to me. I am the Lord your God. Rest child. Speak your truth in peace, then let go and allow Me to work. I am for your marriage. I love Todd, He too is my child. I am for Him, too. He walks with me and follows my lead, you see this in Him clearly, daily– so trust that–which means ultimately, trust Me.”

Oh friends, isn’t this hard to do sometimes? To let go and trust? Especially when we are convinced we are right?  I know for me it is. Oh, to care more about doing what is right and acting right instead of trying to convince someone else that I am right!  Too often, once I take a step back, I see that really, I never was right. Ugh.

I think of those of you who can’t say that your husband walks daily with the Lord, and I want to encourage you that you can still trust the goodness of God. He is good. He is incapable of being or doing anything but good. He is trustworthy. He is immovable and solid when you feel like everything else can crumble around you. He is the still in the storm, and He is with you always.  He will never leave you, or forsake you.

So today, I cling to that. I rest in His stillness. I allow Him to remind me who He is and because of who He is I don’t have to solve anything or convince anyone of anything. That is His job if it needs to be done and He will do it when and if He chooses.

So I let go of the swirling, I cling to the still, the unchanging, and I feel free.

When I was a child, I held to my mother tightly
Then I grew taller and left to follow my dreams
I went after my dreams, and some of them brought me delight
But they didn’t bring me everything I hoped they might

I fell into love like a skydiver in the clouds
It wasn’t enough, no, we couldn’t sustain it ourselves

All the things I pursue
Well, they stay for a season,
Then everything moves,
Everything moves, oh
My towers fall,
But you aren’t leaving me
‘Cause everything moves but you

I trained my body to run and not be weary
I worked and I read how to raise a better family
Then I bought a good house on the safe side of town, because I could
And as long as my life stays like this, I’m feeling good

Until my bones become brittle against my will
My heart is home, oh, to make the earth stand still

All the things I pursue
Well, they stay for a season,
Then everything moves,
Everything moves, oh,
My towers fall,
But you aren’t leaving me
‘Cause everything moves but you

You…I never outgrow you

You are a tree always in bloom
You are a hall of endless rooms
A living fountain springing up
I’m satisfied but never done
I’m never done
With you

Chorus

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