Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

When Grief Hits

Grief.

It is a word my counselor used at the end of our first session, “I see someone who is grieving.”

2015 was a year of grieving. It was a year I lost my voice and this blog took a bit of a standstill, which had not happened since I started it back 2007.

CS Lewis says of grief in A Grief Observed:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I’m not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering of the stomach, the same restlessness, the yearning. I keep on swallowing.

Other times it feels like being mildly drunk or confused. There is sort of an invisible blanket between the world and me.

I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting yet I want others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another & not me.”

This puts words to what I was feeling. Grief brought on anxiety and the enemy ran with it. I lost who I was as I became a person with no words to type.

I felt like another person as my introverted self who was used to craving moments of a quiet, empty home now felt lost, I didn’t know what to do in the silence.

I was coming out of grief after years of fighting cancer and multiple surgeries and medications and all the loss that it brings. I was embracing what it was to live new.

But then my hardest of hard grief hit, grief over our sweet daughter whose story took an unexpected and abrupt turn and hit extra hard due to her young age.

Her story is her story and will not be told in full here, but illness of her own took over our girl and she was not recognizable to us, or herself. A severity of illness, taking us all by surprise, and into a battle that felt much harder than my previous cancer battle.

Mess with me, I can deal, at least so far. Mess with my precious baby, and I battled hard to stay strong through her battle, but in the end, anxiety sank me.

I wrote about the sinking here, and along with my prolonged anxiety, I found also found myself in a pool of sadness, swimming in grief. Anxiety and depression can often go hand in hand.

I am acquainted with anxiety, but never of that severity & had not experienced it accompanied with depression. Deep sadness was a new experience for me.

Together anxiety and depression are a brutal duet that brought my life music & happiness to a halt. It was survival time. I was a survivor learning what survival really meant.

Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. A time to weep. A time for grief.

Those months of grieving in 2015 were long and hard. I look back and remember the tears that would just appear sudden and silent, falling down my cheeks anytime I would hear the words “how are you?” My mouth would open but tears would replace words and I would try to answer but mostly kept silent & went inward.

I could not hold the flow back. It was not a sobbing type of tear, but a quiet, constant flow that would just come whenever I would try to speak of my inward pain–which was almost never–unless someone asked those 3 words “how are you?”

The words would be asked and there were the brave that would continue to come toward and were able to get me to talk even while tears flowed. I remember the saltiness of tears tasted when I would open my mouth and speak.

I remember the relief I felt after months passed, medications were found, and I could speak without the saline taste of tears.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens….a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance… Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

I think of the song, the one below:

Turn Turn Turn

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

This summer, 2016, for me, has been one of dancing & laughing, but I will not soon forget what it is to mourn & grieve. I know God bottles our tears & will not waste a single one.

I know there is meaning and purpose in pain when one knows the kindness of their Maker & chooses to turn their tear-stained face to Him.

God and His promises were the only lasting hope I could find while grieving, and it was one that held. I was held.

Are you grieving? Know that Your Maker loves you so very much, and holds you and your tears, too.

Remember: there is a time for everything, and as the world turns so does everything and relief will come as all turns, turns, turns. Remember while in the spinning He’s got the whole world and YOU in His hands.

{Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds}

Update: Since writing this post, I have learned that a sweet friend’s cancer has returned & I find myself reading these words I wrote about grief and thinking hers.

Yes, this is a summer of dancing for me, but I still and enter into the spinning grief of others, for we are made to mourn with those who mourn and I do. My heart is so sad for her.

Will you pray for my sweet friend? She has 2 young kids and wants to see them grow up. I won’t share her name here but God knows it and when you speak of her and lift her up to Him. I would be so appreciative if you do.

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More From New Nostalgia:

Severe Anxiety Symptoms – Words From My Journal

14 Ways To Find Relief From Severe Anxiety

Top 5 Ways To Relieve Stress

Going There–Mental Illness

PMDD Seeking Treatment

Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Spiritual

14 Ways I Found Relief From Severe Anxiety

About a week ago, I wrote a post titled Severe Anxiety Symptoms – Words From My Journal. The response I received from this post has been big and I’ve spent the week reading so many of your precious, personal stories.

Thank you for sharing with me and letting me know that the post mattered, that telling my story allows you to feel less alone in yours. You share with me and I in turn, also feel less alone. There are many of us in this together. In fact, anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18% of the population. (Source: National Institute of Mental Health)

There are so many who can relate to the pain that anxiety can bring, and often anxiety can lead to depression or visa versa, for these two often go hand in hand. One can trigger the other.

I read and heard your stories of both depression and anxiety.

A dear one wrote, “I am on the bed right now, nauseated , heart pounding, trembling, etc.” She shares her heart and mine breaks for her. I’ve been in that place.

When you want to just curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day please know that there is hope. When your hearts feels like it is pounding out of your chest and you really don’t know why, know that there is hope. When you feel alone, know that you are not.

I will share a few ways that I found relief from my severe anxiety. I pray that some of these suggestions can help bring hope and help to someone else.

14 Ways I Found Relief From Anxiety

Know God’s Got You

~Know that there is a place where you can lift your eyes & where I continue lift mine. You are never alone, God will help you & He can turn ashes into beauty.

“I lift my eyes up….my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven & earth.” Psalm 121:1-2

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

“To provide for them that mourn…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3

Ask For Wisdom

~I prayed constantly for wisdom in searching for answers for my severe anxiety. God led me to answers, slowly but surely. It was in His time, not mine.

Tell Someone

~tell a trusted friend, a medical doctor, a therapist, a psychologist or psychiatrist.

I did all of the above. I was desperate for help and answers, and the more support in finding those answers, the better. It took all of those people I listed above to get to the answers I needed. You never know who and what God is going to use to bring relief to your suffering.

{Example: It was a medical doctor, an OB to be exact, that had an answer to my morning nausea & weight loss. As we were trying to figure out what was causing my severe morning nausea, she gave me a medication specifically for women with morning sickness, one that is taken the night before. This was a key step to stabilizing me & helping me wake up steadily instead of waking up to heaves of nausea due to my severe anxiety. It allowed me to eat early in the day, which was huge as nutrition was another key to getting better. I took this medication for about 3 months, long enough for me to stabilize and for us to figure out my physical symptoms were not due to cancer returning but to severe anxiety.}

One of the most precious gifts to me during this time having a dear, MOST trusted friend. One that had walked a similar road. We used Voxer app and talked daily. It was so healthy to talk to someone who would love and accept me no matter what, someone who could handle my tears as they flowed freely while I talked. Find that someone and be willing to open up to them. I you don’t have someone like that, pray that God would provide someone for you.

Pursue Help

As stated above, one of the key things I did to get healthy again was to pursue help. I brought in as many professionals as I could. I went to many, many appointments, as I knew that there was an answer but it was not just going to come to me. Because of my cancer history, we had to rule out recurrence, so the number of my appointments and tests were overwhelming, but I continued on. I pressed on and pursued help for the sake of my family & because I had faith that God would lead me to what I needed. It was miserable to go when I was feeling so unwell,and I hated spending my summer in doctors offices, but it paid off in the end. There is help out there! Pursue it, and if you can’t, ask a loved one to help you pursue it.

Be Open To Medication

If your symptoms are severe, you will probably need medication, even if for a short time. I am not a professional, obviously, but please see a professional if you cannot seem to get to a healthy place on your own. I cannot tell you what a blessing medication has been to me. I do not know where I would be without it. It is a gift and one that I do not take for granted.

Just Do The Next Thing

There were so many days where I just felt so miserable and couldn’t think straight. I had nothing to give. I was too miserable to lay in bed but too miserable to do anything either, at least that is how it seemed. My new mantra during that time was “Just Do The Next Thing.” Most of the time, the next thing was as simple as getting up.

I remember just getting up and standing by my bed, and then thinking and talking myself through what came next.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Make my bed.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Get dressed.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Take the girls to school.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Dishes in dishwasher and throw a load of laundry in.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Drive the girls to the pool.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Get self to a doctor appointment.”

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Eat even though you lack appetite.

By just doing the next thing, I got through my days and eventually got through the summer and eventually got the answers I needed.

Do What is Necessary

Do what is necessary, and if you can, do a little more, but keep it minimal and simple.

I was in survival mode, but I still had to live for those I love. I am a survivor & fighter, and this was by far the hardest season for me, even including fighting cancer. Anxiety kicked me hard, but I still had to be a Mom & Wife, even when I was sick everyday. My minimal looked like the “Just Do The Next Thing” above. Getting dressed, dishes, laundry, meals for my family (super simple meals), blog when I could, & then rest. Baby steps and one foot in front of the other. I felt I was trudging through quicksand most days, but if I stopped, I would sink. Motion is a must when it comes to anxiety and depression, even if super slow motion.

Keep Trying Different Options

If what you are doing is not working, try something else. I had to try several medications before finding the right one. I had to go off all of my cancer meds to see if that was what was causing my physical symptoms and weight loss. It took time and persistence. I tried at least 4 different mood meds. Eventually, it was an anti-nausea medication and an anti-anxiety medication that worked. In the past, I took an anti-depressant, and for some reason that did not work and what my body needed was purely an anti-anxiety medication. If I did not keep trying different options, I would have never found an answer.

Know That Talk Therapy is as Important as Medication

I was very thankful to be able to see a therapist and talk through what I was experiencing that the time. This was super helpful, even when at the beginning I could barely articulate what I was feeling and just ended up with tears streaming. Those early sessions I did a lot of listening and nodding. I eventually got to the point where I could talk and it was super helpful. My therapist watched me become a different person as I found the right medication, and then she walked me through the healing process, as she knew that now I was stable and could hear what she was saying and talk through the trauma of it all.

Can’t afford therapy? I understand. Mine was gifted to me. There are other options. A great one is one I have recently found and followed. His name is John Cordray and he calls himself the Calm Expert. He is a licensed therapist and has great wisdom. There is an option to hire him, but he also gives great free advice on his YouTube & Periscope channel.

Eat When You Can

Nutrition is so important. I lost 20 pounds in less than 7 weeks. It was not pretty. It scared me. I didn’t have an appetite and had nausea all day until early evening. I was not able to take supplements, and I believe this was a huge part of my downward spiral. I was not nourished and there are so many vitamins and minerals that are vital for brain health.

B vitamins, Omega’s, Vitamin D, Probiotics, Multi-Vitamin, Magnesium & Zinc are all examples of what I take now and are huge for mental health, but I could not tolerate them when I was in the midst of severe anxiety. Again, it took medication for me to become stable, regain my appetite, lose the nausea and be able to tolerate supplements.

Surround Yourself with Comfort

A cozy blanket, a cup of tea, soft music, candlelight. These things seem small, but even the smallest bit of comfort helps when anxiety is taking over.

Exercise

I know, I know. It seems impossible. At times it was. I can’t speak too much on this subject as I still continue to struggle with it, but I KNOW walking makes a huge difference in my day. Simple, even slow walking gets you out and moving, and is beneficial, especially in the sunshine.

Push Truth to Your Brain

This one was huge for me. I knew I had to replace fear, worries & lies with truth. I knew I had to keep my faith as strong as possible. I did this by reading, by listening to podcasts, and by watching YouTube videos.

The Bible was key for me, as my personal belief is that it has the power to transform. I use the YouVersion Bible app on my phone and followed plans specifically for anxiety and hope.

Jesus Calling–another app on my phone that I read everyday. A small snippet of truth that would get me through the day.

Switch On Your Brain-a book (affiliate link) that I read that was so good that it is on my list to read again.

Journaling the Psalms– I wrote a post about this when I was at the tail-end of my severe anxiety. It details what it is and how I did it, & how it helped change me.

Affirmations–a dear friend sent me daily affirmations on cards that she has. I will be creating similar cards soon to share on the blog.

Podcasts--even while laying there, miserable, one can listen to a podcast. I highly recommend Daily Hope With Rick Warren & listen to it often while on a walk or doing housework. I also love listening to my own pastor, Pastor Bryan Clark of Lincoln Berean Church

Know That There Will Be An End

Never lose hope. Know that there are answers. Know that with God all things are possible. Ask Him for help, for He is the Ultimate help in trouble and calls Himself our Comforter.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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I hope this list helps. I will continue to share bits of my journal here at New Nostalgia & continue talking about anxiety. I think it is so important to talk about as so many are suffering.

What about you? Have you ever had anxiety? Depression?

If you are comfortable sharing, I would love to know your story & what has helped you.

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Severe Anxiety Symptoms – An Excerpt From My Journal

Top 5 Ways To Relieve Stress

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Disclaimer:

NEVER DISREGARD MEDICAL ADVICE OR DELAY SEEKING MEDICAL CARE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU HAVE READ ON OR ACCESSED THROUGH THIS WEB SITE.

HEALTH/ Natural Products

My Healthy Morning Beauty Routine

I am slowly but surely making an effort at using more natural beauty products, and have gotten into a pretty good healthy morning beauty routine. I’ve been doing great with healthy cleaning products for a few year now, but I think being a licensed stylist has made it harder to give up all the fun beauty products that are out there.

The solution?

Find some natural beauty products that also know how to have some fun! I am a sucker for good scents, great packaging, & beautiful products, and have found some that I adore and are now part of my mornings.

Portable Wireless Speaker

Beauty comes from within, so I of course have to start with a product that is not technically a beauty product, but it helps makes my insides shine. I love music, and I find there is nothing like it that can light up my countenance, wake me up even on a dreary morning, and help me to have a beauty-filled day. I have a playlist specifically for mornings, with songs that remind me that each and every day is a gift. I use my 808 Hex NRG Portable Wireless Speaker as a fun way to wake up!

My iPhone

Not only does my phone stream music to my portable speaker, but it has all of my inspiration apps, my favorite of which is the YouVersion Bible app. This brings true beauty. I love taking a few moments at the beginning of each day to get my mind and heart in the right place, in order to handle whatever details that come my way that day.

Speaking of handling details:

If you look closely at the photo of my phone below, you will see that one of my “beauties” were texting me from school, right as I was trying to take photos for this post. She forgot to take her tennis shoes for PE–“the black ones” and was asking me if I would bring them. Right as I pushed the shutter button on my camera, my phone switched on with her messages, capturing a working Mom moment. Good thing I already had my coffee & was ready for what the day would bring.

Coffee K-Cup Scrub

I have one cup of organic black coffee every morning as part of my routine. It gives me antioxidants for my insides, and lately I’ve been using some of the coffee grounds left over in the K-Cup as a quick facial scrub for my outsides! I simply put about a tablespoon of organic coconut oil in the palm of my hand, sprinkle some coffee grounds from my used organic coffee K-Cup, and rub it all over my face. It feels wonderful, as the grounds exfoliate & the coconut oil provides moisture. I don’t do this every morning, & it is a bit messy, but oh so worth it! My skin feels incredibly soft after my coffee K-Cup Scrub.

Natural Face Soap

I buy my face soap from a local soap maker. It uses all pure ingredients and does not dry my face out. I use this after my coffee scrub, as it takes excess oil off & leaves my face ready for makeup.

Foundation Makeup

I have yet to switch all my makeup out for natural products, but I have switched to a more natural foundation. I figure that it coats and covers my face, so it is the most important one to start with.

Lip Balm

It makes sense to keep whatever you put on your lips as toxin free as possible. I use a lip balm from my local health food store that has beeswax, coconut oil, aloe & a few other super great ingredients.

Deodorant

This one was hard for me, as it is next to impossible to find a natural deodorant that works well. That is because most of them do not contain an antiperspirant. I do not use natural deodorant 100% of the time, but on days I know I won’t be sweating too much, natural is my choice.

Boka Dental Hygiene Products

If products that go ON your mouth, like lip balm, should be natural, how much more important is it for the products that actually go IN you mouth to be natural? Boka to the rescue! Boka is the one and only subscription box for the health of your mouth! Boka provides natural oral care products, delivered to your door, every 3 months.

Here are some of the products they provide & that I have fallen hard for:

Floss

Did you know you floss first? It removes particles between your teeth that a brush cannot reach. Boka floss is coated in a natural beeswax, and is Teflon-free & petroleum free. It is a super comfortable floss to use.

Toothbrush

The Boka toothbrush stole my heart the minute I opened my beautiful subscription box. They are so pretty & come in Mint, Tangerine, Blueberry & Corral. I have wanted someone in the toothbrush industry to step up and make some pretty brushes, and not only did Boka make them pretty but they are also quality brushes– gentle, durable, and tapered to fit just right along the gum line. My favorite part? They are made with Binchotan activated charcoal bristles, which naturally helps prevent bacteria from growing on your brush. Are you an electric toothbrush user? No worries, Boka has electric toothbrush heads, too!

Toothpaste

I switched to a natural toothpaste a few years ago after my cancer diagnosis, when I got serious about cutting as many chemicals as possible. Boka wins in my book, especially in taste, hands down, due to essential oils of peppermint and mint. What it does not contain makes me very happy — no sodium laurel sulfate (SLS), fluoride, triclosan, artificial flavors or parabens.

Cocorinse Mouth Wash

I saved the best for last. Boka’s Cocorinse mouthwash. This is so NOT your typical mouth wash, as it is used BEFORE you floss and brush, and has no yucky artificial ingredients. It is the Boka product that I am most excited about. The main ingredient is organic coconut oil.

Have you heard of oil pulling? It is an ancient Ayuverdic technique that has been developing some serious scientific clout for its ability to remove bacteria from your mouth. I have done oil pulling with organic coconut oil before, but Boka makes so much better by adding minty oils to make it taste good. They have made it super convenient with their cute little packets that you simply warm with your hands, squeeze in your mouth & swish for 10-20 minutes, then spit out in the trash. These little packets contain just 3 ingredients; Organic coconut oil, organic peppermint oil, and organic Spearmint oil. I am a huge believer in this practice, as my teeth feel super smooth & definitely look whiter after swishing daily for about a week.

SPECIAL DISCOUNT

Are you interested in an oral care subscription box? Would you like the convenience of having your products delivered right to your door in that cute little? Boka Box is a great way to simplify life and have one less thing to worry about. Remember, you can cancel your subscription at any time, and can buy individual products, with no obligation. You can sign up right now using this special discount code: NEWNOSTALGIA25, for 25% off any purchase (no limits, any product, subscription, or gift set. Valid through March 1, 2016-April 15, 2016. Cannot be combined with other offers, cannot be used by the same individual more than once.)

{the above image is for your pinning pleasure}

What about you?

What are some of your healthy morning beauty routines?

Have you tried oil-pulling?

Follow New Nostalgia

I was selected for this opportunity as a member of Clever Girls and the content and opinions expressed here are all my own.

DIY/Crafts/ Homemaking/ Spiritual

When Hopelessness Needs a Remedy + Simple Curtain Hack

**This is a guest post by Deidra Riggs. She is my dear friend and neighbor, and I am so excited to have her here as guest at New Nostalgia. This post is just a glimpse of her authentic, loving heart—a heart that has been there for me & prayed me through some of my toughest life moments. Read on to know why her heart is happy these days, and enjoy the Simple Window Hack at the end of the post.

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I’ve been having a secret celebration in my heart these days.

One year ago today, I was one sick woman. Last February, I had a business trip in California and, when it was over, I flew to Vancouver to meet up with my husband. It was the week of Valentine’s Day. Rarely do we do anything really special for Valentine’s Day, but last year, we decided to take a trip so that my husband could ski and I could write.

We had a great trip. While not the best ski weather (it rained nearly every day), it was good for us to get away and spend some time together. At the end of the week, we flew home to Nebraska and, not long after we’d settled back into our routine, I came down with a nasty virus.

It was one of those viruses that wrestles a person to the ground in about twelve hours. At first, I thought it was just a cold, and that I could press my way through it for three or four days. I was wrong. By the end of the first day, I knew I’d have to surrender and so, I climbed into bed, hoping to doctor myself back to health with Tylenol and NyQuil. But this one was a doozy. I was achy from the fever and worn out from the coughing. My head maintained a constant ache that made me wonder if someone had implanted a knife behind my eyes when I wasn’t looking.

That virus knocked me down for two entire weeks. Somewhere in the middle of those fourteen days, my husband drove me to see my doctor. She checked me out and then patted me gently on my knee. “This thing is going around,” she said. “It’s nasty, and you just have to tough it out.” So, home I went. Back to bed.

Now, worse than being sick with that virus was the fact that it rendered me incapable of doing anything but lie in my bed in my empty house with nothing but the thoughts in my head. My husband came home each day at lunch to check on me. At night, he’d bring me dinner and sit with me in the bedroom. But, for most of the day, I was all by myself and it that was not good. Not good at all.

Depression is a nasty bugger. For me, it usually begins with a sad or scary or sinister thought that won’t let go. It keeps running itself around on a little track in my head and, before I know what hit me, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole of hopelessness. If you’ve ever experienced it, you know what I’m talking about. In those times, it’s a struggle to hold onto any shred of anything that offers hope.

Last year, in my bed, hope came through the window. I’d turn over onto my right side and peek out through the curtains, looking for a slice of blue between the branches, or listening for the call of the cardinal. Sometimes, a robin would land on the peak of the roof just on the other side of the screen. Most of the time, the hope lasted for just a few minutes, but a few minutes of hope is a magnificent deposit in the battle against deep sadness. Slowly, over a few weeks (at the tail end of that virus, I got a nasty case of strep throat which set me back for another week), my body healed and I was able to get myself outdoors. There, with daily doses of sunshine and fresh air and the promise of Spring, my mind found its way back to wholeness.

This year, I was silently fearing February. I know it was an irrational fear, but it was there, just the same. I was afraid I’d get sick again and wind up with a repeat of last year. But, here we are, all the way into Spring! Hoorah!

There is no guarantee that I’ll never be sick again. I probably will be, because we live in that kind of world. But, each time I pass by a window, or hear the song of a cardinal, I’m reminded of the power of hope, even in the smallest dose. And you, sweet warrior? You who know these feelings, too? I’m praying the power of hope over you today. May it reach you through the window of even the tiniest faith, and restore your beautiful soul.

And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. (Romans 5:5)

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SIMPLE CURTAIN HACK

Here’s a little decorating hack for the windows that surround you. It’s one I’ve used for many years and I love it because it’s sooooo inexpensive and easy! Not a single tool required. All you need is a tension rod, two tea towels, and some drapery hooks on rings. The total cost of this easy window hack? Less than $15!

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Deidra Riggs is a national speaker, editor, and the founder & host of Jumping Tandem: The Retreat. She has been a featured speaker at Q Women, TEDx, and The City Gates Initiative, as well as several women’s events, including Allume, Winsome Retreat, the Beautiful Life Conference, and Compel. She is a contributing writer for Incourage, and her work has been featured online at the Washington Post and Today’s Christian Woman.

Deidra is the author of “Every Little Thing: Making a World of Difference Right Where You Are.” Her second book will release in the Spring of 2017. Deidra and her husband are the proud parents of two adult children, and the happy inhabitants of an empty nest. They live in Lincoln, Nebraska.

Follow her here: Website | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook | Pinterest

5 Minute Fridays/ Spiritual

Forced Rest

{I am participating in 5 minute Friday. We are given a word, then write 5 minutes. Today’s word is REST.}

And…Go:

REST

I sit in this room where rest has been forced.

Our dear friends, a car accident, a traumatic brain injury & months of healing and rest.

In this room I’ve witnessed pain, determination, suffering, triumph, tears, celebration, testimony & rest.

I’ve watched a hero cycle. He goes from working hard therapy, back to rest. Over & over. These are days of healing and relearning. Small increments of healing that over time add up to miracles. Days have turned into weeks that turn into months & he fights. I am a witness of this hard healing & I watch in awe.

I’ve watched his wife so brave, and although at times, stressed to the max, she is still at rest. She points consistently to the One who provides this. The One who holds her heart pieces together when it breaks. She is real with pain but still testifies how faith is made strong in weakness. She knows when she is weak God is strong and leans heavy on Him and in turn is made strong. She is another fighter who cycles, acknowledging stress then choosing to rest.

This is her lived out testimony:

“Yes, my soul, finds rest in God. My hope comes from Him.” Psalms 62:5

Stop.

—-

Would you be willing to know more about our dear friends and consider giving toward a fund we set up to help lighten the load? We are getting close to the goal and I know every bit helps and so appreciated!

If you are unable to give, will you pray for them? The journey has been long and the road is hard. I know your prayers will bring continued rest.

Music Renews/ Spiritual

I Am A Sinner If It’s Not One Thing It’s Another

“‘Cause I am a sinner ~ If it’s not one thing it’s another ~ Caught up in words ~ Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior ~ And You take brokenness aside ~ And make it beautiful” –ALL SONS & DAUGHTERS

…………

I sit in church, feeling numb from the weekend. It was a rough one. I felt on edge, worried, moody, & not myself. I have not had these feelings for a long while now, and I did not like experiencing them for one day, much less going on day three. I felt it building each day and I wonder where it came from and what would come of it.

What came of it? A teenager who is moody herself– acting fairly normal for a teen– was rude and I reacted. I lost patience and words came and frustrations spewed out and over onto my girl, lecturing, accusing & pointing fault.

I watch my words not only cause her to shut off and go into her room, but I see a shut down in my Todd. Usually when shut down happens in him, I feel hurt and uncared for. This time, I saw pain. He went inward and I saw pain in his eyes –my eyes were opened to see his– I saw his eyes reflecting pain from my words and actions not just of today, but of the past. Today hurts him deep due to history of hurt. I am faced with my history of emotional words that hurt, I then shut down and feel myself spiral inward.

Shame. Guilt. Thoughts go dark. I cause pain. Now and before. I wallow in past failures & wonder how is it that I am loved? Doubt creeps in & the enemy cozy’s up and keeps planting bits of lies here and there.

I struggled quiet, until Sunday when we gather together at church and we sing two songs and the pastor preaches words from the book of Samuel. I confess I see the message is from Samuel and I inward eye roll as I don’t think I will receive what my heart is longing for.

You know what? I don’t know much. God knows everything. He knew exactly the words my hurting heart & shadowed thinking needed to hear. Our pastor is anointed and brings the Word so faithfully. Some of his favorite words are spoken in almost every message.

“God lavishes his grace on us”

“Get out of the dark room. Run into the Light Room”

These words and visuals have saved me more than once from the Accuser.

And then this verse– from of all books– the book of Samuel:

“Samuel said to the people, “Do not fear. You have committed all this evil, yet do not turn aside from following the LORD, but serve the LORD with all your heart. You must not turn aside, for then you would go after futile things which can not profit or deliver, because they are futile. For the LORD will not abandon His people on account of His great name, because the LORD has been pleased to make you a people for Himself. Moreover, as for me, far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you; but I will instruct you in the good and right way. Only fear the LORD and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you.”

‭‭1 Samuel‬ ‭12:20-24‬ ‭NASB‬‬ (emphasis mine)

Words of truth from my pastor, God & Samuel straight to my heart. Take THAT Accuser. I find myself turning toward the Light room.

We then sing this song & I confess with its words and my toes that step into the light room & light starts shining bright. My feet walk toward the front steps of the altar–toward forgiveness– with a card in hand. We were encouraged to write on the card that which needs left in the past. I write my emotions, literally, I write down my emotions or really my lack of control over my emotions that have brought me down that weekend and in the past. I leave them and the card at the cross.

Brokenness Aside

{Brokenness Aside by All Sons & Daughters}

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will You call me child
When I tell you lies
‘Cause all I know
Is how to cry

‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful
[x2]‘Cause I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

I am a sinner
If it’s not one thing it’s another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies, oh yeah
But You are a Savior
And You take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful
[x2]

You make it beautiful
Beautiful
You make it beautiful
Beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful
[x4]

We sing this song & I soak it in. I’ve kept singing it all these days.

Church service lets out and I go straight to week 2 of a teen parenting class. Light continues to brighten my path in that room of wonderful, wise parents trying to do their best but feel overwhelmed, and in one big voice we agree just how hard parenting teens can be. It normalizes my struggle, shows me I am not alone, shows me my girls are inward and outward beautiful and I have not failed them. I leave with feeling empowered and ready to love well.

The week starts and by the end of day 3 of dreary grey days, my heart is feeling shadowed again. Despite my wonderful Sunday, grey Monday comes and so does words of criticism and accusation, but this time they are from myself at myself.

I just couldn’t shake the shame I felt. It is hard to go so long without falling into a place you don’t want to go, and then go there and have to face it again. It allows one to see more clearly when it is no longer a habit, and I clearly saw pain that I brought to my loved ones. I wallowed in it, & was quiet and inward, until the evening of the third day. I finally talked to the man who has loved me for 20 years and knows me better than anyone.

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Cancer Health Update-Scan is Negative!

I wrote a cancer health update post last Wednesday, letting you all know my Oncologist had found a lump on my neck & ordered a CT scan of my brain, neck and chest. The results came quickly thanks to a brand new scan location that has state of the art scanning and results within 24 hours. I called my doctor on Friday and the nurse read the results:

ALL SCANS NEGATIVE FOR CANCER. NO SIGN OF CANCER.

I am so thankful. I am so relieved. Honestly, I was bracing myself this time. I think it was because of how it took me off guard that my doctor felt something that I had no idea about. Usually I am pretty in tune with my body & any lumps and bumps it might have. I had no clue there was a swollen node in my neck. We still don’t know why it is swollen, but at least we know there is no evidence of growing disease. I was also bracing myself for the worst because of the location of the node. The neck is not a place you want cancer to come back in, as it places you in an automatic stage iv.

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