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HEALTH

Spiritual

I Am Ready…Almost.

girl and snowflakes

I lay here the night before our family Christmas celebrations kick off.  6 different celebrations in 4 days.  All equally important and a must. Sweet memories waiting to be created.

 I am ready…almost.

I felt completely ready earlier today, even heart ready.  Somehow I managed to buy and wrap gifts, decorate, bake, organize groceries and dishes to take to all of those celebrations, have a clean home and laundry caught up, all in time to enjoy and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  Yes, I’ve worked hard, but it was not frenzied or overwhelming. I started early in the month and little by little got it all  done.  I’ve been able to enjoy the process and not get caught up in the perfectionism that I’ve fought in past years.  I felt peace, excitement and an anticipation of celebration. And then…

… disappointments come and my heart feels fragile and all the sudden I am not ready.

I read Ann’s words:

What if I laid down efforts and expectations, perfectionism and performance… and simply waited with arms and heart and eyes wide open?
Christ the Babe comes in Christmas just as Christ the Savior comes on the Cross — seeking only our embrace.

This is so what I want.  What I long for.  Arms, heart and eyes wide open ready to embrace this Christ child. I see much progress and growth in my life, Christ’s faithfulness.  He has widened my eyes and strengthened my heart and taught me to wait through a disease named cancer.  Efforts, perfectionism, performance–these strongholds no longer earn big titles in my life. 

Yet, tonight I struggle with the one called “expectation.” 

Expectation is an interesting thing.  It usually involved others, which I find makes it easy to blame those “others” for my own problem of expectation.  The “what should be’s” and other’s shortcomings muffle and confuse.  It is especially confusing when the things that I expect are considered good & right.  The problem is this… I feel this tug in my healed yet diseased heart. I’ve said it before, I am such an emotional being–I feel deeply.  These feelings and emotions cause me to battle & turn inward and which inevitably, in time will cause me to spew my hurt onto the one who is hurting me.  I am finding I take things quite personally.  Defenses go up,  I see things that are that shouldn’t be, I find it unfair & I try to play God.  

I am learning that expectations are quite ugly.  They are selfish and cause me to battle self righteousness and the desire to control another person.  

 A thought that keeps popping up in my brain is “I’ve worked so hard to make Christmas beautiful and what it should be.  I’ve done heart battle and conquered issues I usually would struggle with.  Because of this, I have expectations that it will be precious.” Do you hear the hint of control?   It CAN be precious…as long as I don’t put my expectations on another and allow their behavior to define mine or my experience of Christmas.

But .. the squabbles come, and my heart aches, and my feelings get hurt.  

Ann starts the above questions with “What if we laid down expectations…”

Laid down.  Released.  Let go of.  This is the opposite of control, the opposite of what I’m so ready and eager to do when disappointed by another.  

But, that ‘other’ is God’s. 

God created them.  God loves them. God is trustworthy.  God is in control, not I.  Nothing comes to me that He is not aware of.  


So I whisper to Him in the midst of hurt.  I ask for the Prince of Peace to come.  I think of how Emmanuel is with us, with me.  I keep releasing, not into mid-air, but unto Him.  

I am handing my expectations over and when my heart aches I will take it to the only One who can heal it.  I’m ready to do battle with my emotions and not use them as an excuse to take the fight into my own hands again.  I will open my clenched hands of control so that they may be empty to embrace this Christ child.  I will receive this season however it may come to me. Oh may He give me the grace to do these things that I say I will do, so that I may be ready to celebrate.


11
Love/ Spiritual

Prayers Of Peace For Sandy Hook Elementary

Sandy Hook
Tears are words the heart can't say
I can’t seem to find my words, so today I stay quiet, and share these beautiful words of Max Lucado’s:
Dear Jesus,

It’s a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated. 


The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push away from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod’s jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.

Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.

Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won’t you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,
Your Children

(written by Max Lucado in response to the shootings)

5
GF, Vegan & Raw/ HEALTH/ Healthy Eating/ How-Tos/ RECIPES

Steps To Healthy Living — A Request From My Sister

mother and daughter
{My sister & niece. Oh how I love them!}

My lil’ sis of Beauty Divine Design has been asking me all kinds of questions about how we eat, as they are wanting to eat a more plant strong diet.

Here is a Facebook chat we recently had:

Think I overwhelmed her with my crazy run-on sentences and gazillion suggestions?  Yep, I did.  She then sent a message with some more specific questions she had, and I have decided to tackle all of her questions, little by little, on this blog.  

I know she sent these messages without thinking that I would share them publicly.  I left all our typos, casual language and misspellings to keep things ‘authentic.’ Tee hee.  

Questions for eating plant-based

Okay a ton of questions but you don’t have to get to them all immediately… whenever.

What can you use instead of milk for cooking- does almond and soy milk work the same? Which one tastes the best for adding to cereal? 

You can use almond milk and coconut milk for cooking.  Plain almond milk is what we use.  We use almond milk exclusively, I can’t have soy and I don’t trust soy anyway.  You could also try rice milk or coconut milk.  We like almond milk, especially on cereal. There was an adjustment period, my kids grumbled at first, but when it was the only thing in the house they gave in and ate it, now we are so used to it that none of us can stand the taste of cow milk.  I think the kind that you can get in the cold milk section tastes the best.

What do u use instead of butter, whipping cream, cheese etc. does any of it actually taste good? Lol

I use soy free Earth Balance. It is a super popular butter substitute with vegans. It tastes good. If you use real butter at least make sure it is organic. There are vegan cheeses but I think they are nasty and made up of way too many ingredients…processed.  If we eat cheese, it is organic.  This makes it expensive so we eat very, very little cheese.  Even on tacos or pizza I use about 1/4 of what we used to use, and I pick it off my finished piece completely.  Lots of vegans soak cashews, then put them in a food processor which makes a creamy, cheesy like sauce.  I have done this a couple times and liked it but want to experiment more.   I don’t use whipping cream unless we are making a special occasion dessert and if so we use the real thing because it is so rare.  I buy organic cream cheese for the girls and their whole wheat bagels, but I’ve noticed they only put a super thin layer on.  I think they are losing their taste for this, which keeps happening with animal products. They just have slowly stopped wanting them. It is kinda crazy!

Which oils to avoid? Is olive oil ok?

Some, like Rip E in the below video don’t use oil at all.  Happy Herbivore is another plant based eater that rarely uses oil…her recipes are great. I use small amounts of olive oil for marinades, pestos & homemade salad dressings.  It has a low smoke point so it is ok to cook with as long as the heat is med or lower.  I use coconut oil for high heat cooking/frying/sauteing.  I also use coconut oil for baking.  I believe coconut oil is very good for you…see this post for more on coconut oil. There are two types, one that tastes and smells like coconut and one that doesn’t.    I often use applesauce in place of oil in baking recipes.

Is soy good or bad? I feel like I’ve heard both.

Most of the soy in the US is genetically modified and I don’t trust it.  My Oncologist wants me to stay away from it because my caner was estrogen positive.  They do eat soy in lots of Asian countries where cancer rates are low, but they mostly eat it fermented and as more of a condiment or seasoning, less as a main dish as many vegans in the US do.  There is controversy with soy, but following my Oncologist orders makes it easy for me to just stay away from it.  Plus, most vegan soy foods are highly processed…not whole foods.  I’m not a fan of companies turning soy into something that is supposed to taste and feel like meat.  Blech. So fake.

Are any animal products better than others? Can I sneak some chicken in every once in awhile haha

Sure you can.  It does not have to be all or nothing.  I call myself a “plant eater sometimes cheater” and I eat fish and eggs at times. I was willing to make meat for my family a couple times a week, but they have all lost their taste for meat for the most part.  They can eat it if it is in something, like a casserole (which I don’t make anymore)  but the texture of chicken and red meat is a bit off- putting to them now.  I was surprised this happened.  I now have 3 little bean- eating girls with vegetarian palates! Never thought I would see the day!  It has just slowly happened.  If you do eat meat, stay away from red meat as much as possible, and buy your chicken organic.  It is more expensive but worth it.  

What are your go- to meals each week?  Top 5 regulars maybe? 

~Chili No Meat
~Tacos made with beans–I love the crockpot beans in this post, we’ve also made the homemade tortillas in the same post and they were AMAZING.
~Spaghetti, homemade tomato sauce, no meat.  I use this recipe sometimes, too.
~Soups–we love French Lentil Soup & Vegan Creamy Broccoli soup.
~Breakfast for dinner–whole grain pancakes, organic eggs

I will write a more detailed post about this.


Replacement snacks/desserts that are sweet but not loaded up with ickies? 
I will write a post about this, in the meantime, read this post titled, Healthy Snack Ideas For Kids


New Nostalgia

How do u know if something is processed? Like our whole wheat bread has like 27 ingredients but it is whole wheat and my homemade bread tastes like cardboard.  

Lol!  Cardboard?!  You need to try this recipe…we love it. I just made it tonight to go with our spaghetti dinner and my Teagan said “Mom this bread is the best!” It does get more dry by day 3 or 4, but then it makes the BEST toast.  Here is a post I wrote about store bought bread.  Look for no high fructose corn syrup, 3-4 grams of fiber per serving & make sure it says 100% whole wheat bread.  My rule is try to eat food as close to whole as possible.  This post on my Favorite Food Rules might be helpful, these simple suggestions really helped me in my journey of eating clean.

Meal ideas for kids cuz Little Man only likes PB and J or chicken nuggets right now as a main course. Sometimes pizza or Mac n cheese but won’t even try anything else. He does good with fruits and veggies as a side.

This is hard.  Kids are picky, but eventually he would get hungry enough to eat something new.  Keep trying new things more than once.  If they get used to seeing it around, they are more likely to eat it.  I wish I was more tough with my kids when they were little and didn’t give in so much to what they wanted instead of what they needed. Keep up the fruits and veggies, try making them the main dish.  I will write more about this another time.  Hopefully my readers will chime in on this one!

lime and sparkling water

How to break pop addiction?! I’m seriously an addict!
Ha!  Is it the caffeine or the bubbly sweet that you love?  If it is the bubbly sweet, then mixing juice with sparkling water is a good substitute.  I love this Fresh Lime Soda & also this Lemonade Spritzer. If it is a caffeine thing, cut down slowly and replace with herbal teas.  Even black coffee is better than pop.  Diet has aspartame and regular has HFCS.  Even the “healthy” pops have loads of sugar.  The best way to break this is to know what it is that you are putting in your body, when I learned how sugar affects the body, it made me want it less. Read about lemon water and why it is good for you…drink it every morning for a week and I bet you will be hooked on water…you will start becoming very thirsty and nothing will quench that thirst but water.  


Here is a bit more inspiration for you:
Steps To Healthy Living

And short and great video on eating plant strong:

There ya go my sis! Browse the links, watch the video, and let me know your thoughts.  I love your questions!
//
Readers, I would love your thoughts and suggestions in the comments.  

2
FAMILY/ Kids/Family/ Love/ Parenting/ Spiritual

Parenting Pre-Teens

{Momastery.com}
“Don’t let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget you already have one.”
BAM!  
When I saw this graphic on PInterest it hit me right in the head and heart.  Hard.
My girls are now 13, 11 and 9.  They are great girls.
But, we have definitely hit middle school years with my two oldest and as I watch them try to maneuver in the muck of what middle school years can bring, I have felt fear creep in.  
Amy + fear = not a good thing.  
It creeps in on me, one thought will enter.  Another the next day. Before I know it my stomach is in a ball of worries and I feel the world is on my shoulders and it is up to me to save the world.  
What am I afraid of?  Who do I think I am that I can save the world?
It seems to come down to this.  I don’t want my kids to struggle.  I don’t want them to learn life lessons the hard way.  I don’t want them to make bad decisions in these years that will take a lot of years to work through & heal from.  I don’t want them to walk the path I did, a path that started in middle school.
Fear. Fear. Fear.
It is interesting. 
When they were little, their struggles and misbehavior brought out something else in me.  
Pride.  
It is really easy for a fit throwing 3 year old to make Mommy look and feel like a total loser parent.  I cared about how their behavior made ME look.
God and I worked through that one, and honestly, I kinda miss that being the issue, for I’d rather be in pain and have to work through it then see my girls experience pain and them have to work through it.  Bring back the 3 year old fits!
I’d take those any day over watching my girls sort out who they are and seeing them struggle with what we all, especially as females, can struggle with– identity.
Identity is huge in middle school.  What defines me?  My friends? My clothes? The phone in my hand?  The brand of my boots?  The way my hair is curled that day?  

The world and their peers scream YES, these things matter and define you.  You and your peeps need to look and act a certain way for you to be accepted and loved.  This leaves the question constantly on their middle school brains “Am I ok?”  “Do I fit?”

I feel like my words are whispers they cannot hear over their peers screams right now, and honestly that is my fault.

My fear causes my reactions to be in the moment and they take on a lecturing tone. 

Mom lecturing =  blank stares, eyes rolling & a mind and heart that is tuned out. My whispers fall on deaf ears, although my lectures are far from whispers.
Why do I fall into this–the lecture? 

Back to the yuck–I’ve seen one of my girls think that if the other sister dresses and looks what they would define as “dorky” that it somehow defines her or in some way reflects on her and makes her look bad.  What?  Oh that is yucky…so yucky that when I realized that this was an issue last week it was my turn to stare blankly with my mouth hanging open, silenced–but only for a minute before my lecture started.  
But, can’t I relate to that?  I used to let my 3 year olds fits define me as a mom, and I was a grown woman.
I should not have been surprised when the next day, as I was wearing an over sized Nebraska tshirt with jeans and we were expecting family company, my daughter was horrified that I was actually going to wear it. Now there are even opinions on what I wear?  Oh Lord have mercy!  I did look silly and it WAS a shirt I usually wear with pajama pants, but REALLY?  Do you really feel less because your Mom looks a little dweeby?  Does this really effect how you see yourself and feel about yourself?
Why am I so surprised when they struggle?  
My heart felt heavy a few days ago with all these issues on my brain.  I had lunch with a super great girlfriend, whose gentle encouragement pointed out all the wonderful things she sees in my girls.  She put the graphic above into her own words, which I think is why it hit so hard when I saw it today on Pinterest. God has to do that with me you know…work in themes.  Say things in more ways than one. Hit me over the head a few times, lovingly of course.  I love it when He does this, for He knows what is going to work on my heart.
The same day my Mother-In-Law had to drop something off for me, and the timing was perfect, as I was still sorting through my thoughts and emotions when it comes to this parenting thing and they came blurting out the minute she sat down. 
She gave me such practical advice.  She helped me figure out how to stop the lecture and just simply talk to my girls.  She gave me example questions to ask them, to stir their own thinking and their own little hearts.  I felt hopeful right away, stomach unknotting and weight off my shoulders.  
It is working.  I am seeing that my lecturing can be very shaming and guilt producing, and that is so not what I want to do.  Instead, I want to ask them about their hearts, to guide them into thinking about who they really are and who they want to be.  To remind them that God thinks the world of them and loves them fully, and that there is nothing they can or can’t do to make Him love them more or less.  These are the things that bring on true identity. 
I don’t have it all figured out yet, and I definitely want to get my thoughts together more when it comes to revealing to my girls all the amazing things their Creator thinks about them.  Identity is my key word that I will focus on, and I will teach them who God says they are.
I will also choose to look at the good in them.  There is so, so very much.  When I chose to see all the gifts in them, it calms fear and puts it in its place.  It reminds me Who has the them.  It takes the world off my shoulders and puts it where it actually is and where it belongs; in His hands.

4
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews

Music Speaks When I Can’t Find Words + My Favorite Christmas Music CD

Music is a powerful thing.  The music I am playing is stirring my heart and creating a longing that I can feel physically in the depths of my being, which made me just stop for a bit and listen.  I feel an almost a physical ache, a desire strong to speak praise to my Father God for sparing my life.

The song took me back to Christmas and New Years 2010.  I had a double mastectomy with immediate reconstruction the week after Christmas.  I got home from the hospital on New Year’s Eve.

My dear friend Sharon came from Chicago to care for me and my family while I healed.  What a gift that was! A gift that brings a lump in my throat whenever I think about it.  It was a hard and painful, but oh- so- beautiful week!

She is a friend of my heart, and her care for me and my family was just such beautiful love.  She loved all over my girls during such a scary time in their lives.

All three girls said the hardest part of my cancer journey for them was that surgery weekend, knowing their Mommy was getting cut on, seeing me in the hospital and in pain, and watching me move slowly.  Sharon came and comforted them, and helped take the sting that cancer brought into our lives.  She was a soothing salve.

She calmed my heart when waiting for a key phone call that told us what they found during surgery.  She took me to the Word of God and read His promises to me, promises I still cling to.

She prayed with me, served me tea, played games with my girls, did my dishes, packed their school lunches, helped change my bandages, endured looking at my wounds and stitches and drains.

She held my hand when the news of that phone call was not what we wanted to hear.  She watched me break down and mourn that I might be facing even more chemo. She was just there.  Love tangible.


Andrew Peterson Behold the Lamb of God
{Gather Round–the opening song}

We played this particular CD quite a bit that week and the following weeks, even though Christmas was over.  The songs just brought comfort. This CD is one of my most favorite Christmas albums.

It takes one through the Old Testament up to the birth of Christ.  It is really neat to hear the story in the form of song, prophecy come to life.  The songs brought up wonderful discussion between my girls and I, and expanded our understanding of the Christmas story, that it did not just begin and end in that manger.

I especially love the words of the one below, which is called “So Long, Moses.” The song start with saying goodbye to Moses, and hello to the promise land.  It talks about the 12 tribes.  It touches on Saul & King David.   It talks of the prophets and speaks these comforting words of the Isaiah, prophet of Judah:

{So Long Moses}

{3:00}

So speak, Isaiah
Prophet of Judah
Can you tell of the One
This king who’s going to come
{3:20}Will he be a king on a throne
Full of power with a sword in his fist?
Prophet, tell us will there be another king like this?
Full of wisdom, full of strength,
The hearts of the people are his
Prophet, tell us will there be
another king like this?

{3:40–My FAV!}
“He’ll bear no beauty or glory
Rejected, despised
A man of such sorrow
We’ll cover our eyes

He’ll take up our sickness
Carry our tears
For his people
He will be pierced

He’ll be crushed for our evils
Our punishment feel
By his wounds
We will be healed.”


Gives me chills.  He knew sorrow.  He carries our tears.  He was pierced & crushed for us & by His wounds, the healing comes.  


And this song, While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night:

{0:26}
“Fear not!” said he; for mighty dread 
Had seized their troubled minds 
“Glad tidings of great joy I bring 
To you and all mankind 

To you in David’s house this day 
Is born of David’s line 

Mighty dread and fear HAD seized my troubled mind back in 2010.  But the birth of this tiny baby, this God-man, brings a life joy that even cancer cannot take away.  

By His wounds on the cross, I am made whole and healed.  Even if God chooses not to heal me physically, completely, here on earth, I know I have an ultimate healing in heaven. Oh death, where is thy sting?  Jesus takes it, and through him, life on this earth is not all there is.  

There is final healing and eternal life with HIM!  This joy, a joy-peace, is what I am experiencing and growing in, & my heart overflows with thankfulness for every minute of this life I get to live!  

What more can I say?  My heart bursts forth in song, agreeing with the words of the Shepherds song chorus above; “Hallelujah, Christ is Born!  Oh Glory be to God On High and To The Earth Be Peace. Goodwill Henceforth From God to Man, Begin & Never Cease!!

2
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

She Is Thankful In Cancer

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I have a friend I want you all to meet. I have never met her in person, but consider her a dear friend.  We ‘met’ through her brother, who introduced us via Facebook when I was going through treatment for cancer.  He knew I needed to know his sister.  She is a miracle survivor, living with stage 4 breast cancer. Her cancer metastasized to her bones & brain, but her tumors are staying stable and ‘quiet.’

She is truly a miracle, but she knows that her status could change at any time.

She knows pain, both physical and emotional.  While her cancer stayed quiet, she watched her brother-in-law suffer with a reoccurrence of brain cancer, and was there for his family as he battled long & hard, and her faith never wavered.  I wrote a bit about his life here.

Michelle is one of the most courageous people I know. She lives her life in the moment & knows what it means to be thankful.  Her words encouraged me many times during my fight, and they continue to do so.  She updated her Caring Bridge site this week, and what she had to say just blew me away.  I knew I had to share it with you all, as it was such a tangible example of what Thanksgiving is all about.

{The Mellinger Family}
It is an honor to introduce you to my friend, Michelle Mellinger:
THANKSGIVING:
We are celebrating one of my favorite holidays of the whole year on Thursday.  It causes me to be sentimental, family-oriented, and most of all thankful.  I wanted to share why I am THANKFUL FOR CANCER.  Yes, that is hard to say, but so very true when I look back over the last three years.  
Cancer has given me HOPE:  Many people find that hope and cancer don’t go hand in hand.  But without hope cancer is debilitating.  Without hope, you spend your days wallowing in the how and why’s and spend little time enjoying the sights and sounds around you.  Hope does not mean that I am in denial about what is to come, hope is the empowerment to know that whatever is to come I can handle it.
Cancer has given me COMPASSION:  Before my diagnosis, I really didn’t SEE those around me.  Cancer has given me the ability to look into someones eyes and feel their pain.  It is given me empathy and a desire to want to help and encourage people.
Cancer has given me a FUTURE:  most people immediately think that cancer takes away your future.  I used to believe that too.  I used to live in the moment, not worrying about what was ahead for my life.  I didn’t use to dream about my future or what God had in store for me.  Now my future is tomorrow, next week, next month, next year.  I am investing in today so that my future will live on through my children. 
Cancer restored my RELATIONSHIP with my Savior:  I had a hard time BC (before cancer) wanting to spend time with Jesus.  I didn’t have a passion to be in the Word or kneeling in prayer.  I had it under control.  My life was going exactly how I had planned.  I had a great job, awesome husband, and two beautiful children.  But it didn’t go as planned, my life wasn’t unfolding the way I had envisioned.  I have found that God had a new plan.  I don’t always like the new plan, but I am trusting in Him to show me what it is that He wants me to do with my life.
Cancer has shown me that MIRACLES do exist:  I am a miracle!  It is not of my doing.  It is God’s doing.  I used to think miracles only happened in Bible times, but they still happen today.  If you looked at my medical records they would show a woman that had six months to live.  They would cause some doctors to throw their hands up and say there is not much we can do.  My God has allowed the medical treatments at the hands of my doctors and nurses to do amazing things.  They have kept me alive for three years longer that most would have imagined.  I still don’t know why God allows some people to do well and others he takes to his heavenly home way too quickly.  I just know that that there is something more I am to do before he takes me home, maybe it is to remind people that miracles do still exist.
Cancer has given me a THANKFUL heart.  I am so thankful for my family and friends who stand beside me everyday and encourage me to keep on plugging along and not give up.  I am thankful for my children who remind me how important hugs and kisses are and inspire me to be a better mother.  I am thankful for a husband who loves me when I am not lovable and gives me a reason to keep on fighting and living. 
I hope you all find hope, compassion, a future, Godly restoration, miracles, and a thankful heart.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all.                                                   
 Michelle
//
Amazing insight, isn’t it?  It just touched my heart so much to read her words, and made me think of this song I’ve shared below.  She lives this song everyday.  I love how she said. “Hope does not mean that I am in denial about what is to come, hope is the empowerment to know that whatever is to come I can handle it.” I know that she can say this because of her trust in God, and because of this trust, she can and does live out 1 Thessalonians 5:18 “Give Thanks In Everything.”
To follow Michelle journey, see her Caring Bridge page.

 

5
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Struggling Well & a Health Update

I am in a Bible Study on Tuesday mornings at my church.  The title of the elective I chose is
Knees to the Earth: Prayer that Empowers a Woman’s Life
Knees to the Earth.
That is just such a beautiful visual to me.  It is a humbled posture.  Submitted.  Acknowledgement that we are but dust, as knees touch dust.  Often when we think of one on their knees, we thing of eyes closed & head bowed. A reverence.  One bowed in worship.
Expand our elective description and this is what it says:
“Knees to the Earth: Prayer that Empowers a Woman’s Life–learn how calling on God can help you struggle well.”
As I read the rest of the description of this elective, another picture enters my mind.  This one seems to  fits my reality.  I see one with knees touching dust, touching earth.  But her head is not bowed.  It is up.  Eyes raised, a bit desperate.  A face turned in expectation.  A calling out.  A “calling on God in order to struggle well.”
Just yesterday I had this calling out.  It was not a complicated calling out, prayer does not have to be. It was one desperate word: “Lord!”
I sit in my Oncologist office, vulnerable and weary from fighting flu for a week.  Being in this place at this time of year is almost eery, the memories of fighting stage 3b breast cancer, 2 fall’s before, come flooding back.  
My Oncologist, her hands, so soft, capable, sure & confident feel for lumps and bumps.  She pauses on my clavicle, I call it a collar bone.  The space between her brows narrow as she stays in that spot, one that I realize is tender now that it is being manipulated.  “Could it be just a lymph node?  I’ve been sick…” I ask with hope.  Her answer sends my heart racing.  “No, this is bone. But this is abnormal.”  She informs me that I will be having an X-ray right away, and depending on what shows up, a bone scan.  
She leaves the room and I study myself in the mirror.  I stare at my clavicle, a pea size bump stares back at me.  I start to talk inwardly to myself “We’ve had these scares before, don’t jump to conclusions.”  Yes, we have had these scares.  It seems to be a way of life for a cancer survivor.  The “What if’s” and “What’s that’s?”  But this feels different, and I know it is because it is bone that we are dealing with.  If cancer comes back in the bone, it is an automatic stage 4.  Not curable.
An xray tech comes to get me.  I am thankful for the interruption of thoughts…
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