Cancer Journey Archives • Page 4 of 20 • New Nostalgia

Cancer Journey/ Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Spiritual

Coming Up For Air

I look back on the last post I wrote in this series, and boy…am I thankful that God does not let us know what is coming ahead. He just gives us one day at a time, and gives us what we need to get through it.

My pastor, Bryan Clark, ended a sermon a few weeks ago with the words “You choose to cultivate the relationship (with God.) You do that today because you never know—tomorrow may be the most difficult day of your life.” When I heard those words, they seemed amplified and spoken especially for me despite the large congregation. I thought “UH-OH. What is coming my way Lord?” How is that for optimism? My Pastor’s reminder caused me to lean in, cling to, and abide with God the last few weeks.

What has come my way is a variety of things that honestly has swept me off my feet, landing me hard on the bottom, made me feel like I was drowning & reminded me what it means to suffer. I am at a place now where I am coming up for air and boy, it is so refreshing & life-giving!

I don’t quite know where to start, and I will try not to get too detailed, but it started with a med change.

Like I told you in this post, I have been on an antidepressant for years. Wellbutrin was the med that changed my life years ago and allowed me to be the real me. 4 years ago I had to go off that med because it clashed with the cancer medication called Tamoxifen, which I needed to start on right away. They switched me to Effexor, and honestly it was even better for me than Wellbutrin. I was very thankful.

The last 7 months I switched from the cancer med, Tamoxifen, which was making me sleep my life away among other not-so-fun side effects, and started on what is called an aromatase inhibitor. There are only a few options of medication for treating my hormone type cancer. In order to go on an aromatase inhibitor, we would need to completely shut my ovaries down and put me into menopause. I am not ready to permanently remove my ovaries, so we decided to shut them down chemically. I have been doing this the last 7 months with Lupron injections, (talked about here) & started taking the aromatase inhibitor, Arimedex.

Honestly, it has been a rough 7 months. Especially physically. The side effects of this medication are numerous, the ones that affect me the most are joint pain, stiffness, extreme & consistent hot flashes, & quite a few that are personal and I will spare you from. I was having these symptoms already even on Tamoxifen, but this new hormone suppressor medication + injections just amplified all of it.

Here is the deal. The antidepressant that they switched me to 4 years ago also have side effects very similar to my cancer meds, especially the more personal side effects. Doc decided now that I’m off Tamoxifen (cancer med) that I could go back on the Wellbutrin (mood med I was on 4 years ago). So we started the process of weaning off Effexor.

Still with me?

I had no idea that Effexor is one of the very hardest drugs to detox from. Well, I had read that it was a rough one, and the nurse told me we needed to go slow, but man, I did not know what I was in for.

It was a 3 week process, and it got worse and worse as we weaned down the dose. There was a period of 3-4 days when I finally went from a low dose to nothing, that I would describe as pure mental and physical suffering. I have been through a lot, and I am tough, but that about did me in. There was one evening where I had decided that if things were no better in the morning that I would need to admit myself for monitoring and medical help while de-toxing, at least a few days, until the process was over. I couldn’t fathom putting my kids through that or my Todd, but having me there was no better…at all.

How to describe those days? I knew I was not myself. I knew it could not be helped. I knew I had to just get through it.

Physically, the symptoms really scared me. There is no explaining it really. There was a feeling in my head of ‘zapping’ that happened all throughout the day for at least a week. When I would move my eyes even a bit from one side to the other I would ‘hear’ ….actually feel, a whooshing. I told you– it is hard to explain! It sounds crazy even typing it. It scared me. It happened all throughout the day. I was incredibly foggy. I could not read a book. I would read one sentence 4 times and still not comprehend it. There was constant pressure in my head. Light hurt. I had nausea and felt like I had the flu. I had even more intense hot flashes than normal but then would get super cold and shiver. It took me back to my chemo days, those days that the chemo just knocked me down and took over my body. I hated every minute of it.

In the middle of that, I was due for my every 3 month anti-hormone injection. Here is the thing with those. The week before I have it, I have breakthrough symptoms where it feels like PMS. Full blown. Then I get the injection, and the symptoms get worse for 2 days then get better. I have to stay on course to the day, every three months. I was very scared to get it in the middle of what already was happening with me. I had reason to be, and when I talk about being admitted above it was 2 days after my injection. The de-toxing plus this ‘jarring -to-my-system’ shot was just too much.

This was just the physical. Then there was the mental.

I couldn’t handle anything. I was a mess. I couldn’t handle the least bit of stress, I was unreasonable in my thinking, I cried easily…a mess. I wish I could say I rallied and shut myself down and away from my family so they would not have to deal with me…but life did not allow that. I tried to hide it from my girls as much as possible, but the new school year had started, life was moving fast and bringing big changes for our family. I did my best to keep up.

~My sweet Freshman girl now needed rides to school and all her extra curricular activities. I was used to her walking to school. She now attends a school across town, and I found myself driving there 2 – 3 times a day.

~My Todd entered into the busiest season of his job, and was very overwhelmed with life already. He was teaching and training a large number of volunteers for those 2 weeks. This not only kept him at work from early morning to 6:30/7:00 at night, but he needed me to bring one of our daughters to him to be the ‘student’ as he taught volunteers what they needed to do. More driving for me.

~This also meant he was not around in the evening to help get our youngest to soccer practice as he usually is, which meant more driving for me.

I honestly don’t mind driving my kids around, and actually love it now that I’ve come up for air, but while I was struggling there were days where I really don’t think I should have been driving.

I was utterly physically and emotionally spent.

The biggest life change that came about just as I was coming up for air but still not myself, was the decision to homeschool our Colsie. I’ve always said I don’t have the patience or the skill set needed to homeschool my children, and said I never would. I’m learning to never say never! It is what our sweet girl desperetly needed, and I have seen so very clearly that God is in this decision. She is thriving so far as a homeschooler and God has given us every resource and help we could possibly need to make this successful for the both of us. Time with her has been precious, and I find myself on days like today when I am away to work, missing her. She is with her Grandma – someone who she loves to be with, who is a teacher and is taking a couple of days a week to help out with schooling. Huge blessing! We are finally getting on a good routine and finding we both thrive on the forced routine that her homeschooling has brought.

Yes. I am breathing easier.

I share all this hoping someone will benefit from my experience or let someone who is in the midst of switching medication or de-toxing from medication know that they are not alone, and they will get through it.

You might wonder why would someone take a medication that would be so incredibly hard to detox from and cause such scary symptoms. My answer is because for me, the medication works and is needed. You all know I am all for nutrition, a balanced lifestyle, and finding strength in God. Yes, these things are so very necessary too, but please hear me when I say all of those things would be so out of reach for me if not for medication. I would not be able to focus on the thought process that a nutritious and balanced life demands. As for God? He would be and always has been there for me, but my ability to reach out to Him, think on His truth, read and focus on His words, and accept who I am in Him would not be what it is today if not for medication.

Again, I write this for anyone out there that feels alone. Someone who thinks they should be able to solve their mental health problems in various ways, but can’t seem to do it no matter how much they want to. I’ve been there.

Just as you can’t think positively enough, eat nutritious enough, and pray enough to mend a broken leg…so it is with a broken brain. My life journey is one where I begged God for wisdom and direction in healing my brain, and medication is the main avenue that He led me to.

There are other ways that are as important. I am having a great time exploring how nutrition is connected to brain health, and I recently have started meeting with a most beautiful and wise woman who has agreed to mentor me and disciple me.

I’m SUPER excited about the coming months & all that God is leading me towards. How sweet He is to continue to grow me, guide me, and be so very close to me. He is continuing to show me what #LivingNew looks like, even in the midst of the hard, even in the moments where I find I can barely breathe. He is life. He is air. He restores & redeems. He makes new.

Lamentations 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

———

What about you? Can you relate to any of this?

Have you ever had to detox from a medication? What was your experience?

——-

For When You Are Weak

I vividly remember the day I write about below. I was an emotional, hormonal mess, having just started a hormone therapy drug for cancer and also just going off a medication that I took for anxiety that was not compatible with the new cancer med.

I read the journal entry today, 3 years later, and I marvel at how good God is. For so many reasons, but especially because I am alive almost 4 years after diagnosis, and I have clearly seen Him grow me and continue to show me that He is such a sweet, good God.

He tells us in the Bible to look back and ‘remember His works.’ I do this often, especially when life feels so very hard and out control. These are the times I need to remember to give Him my worries and concerns. I remember that He has brought me and my family through so much, and I remember that no matter how hard life gets, that He promises to finish the work He has started.

I love spring. I love going to nurseries & choosing beautiful flowers to plant. I tease the roots apart & think about the strong roots He has been faithful to grow in me. I remember that they are there, I remember that my Gardener will be faithful in watering, nourishing & providing light for me. I am taken care of and safe, which makes me brave & beautiful, able to turn my face to the Son & dance.

————

April 2011 Cancer Journal Entry

Yesterday was NOT a good day. One of my hardest since diagnosis. For sure the most humbling.

It went like this:

Husband leaves for work~ ~I’m feeling weak and tired, not myself~ daughter wants to wear summer

clothes on a 50 degree day~I say no~she refuses to get dressed~ I have a major meltdown and act

more childish than she~ the intensity of my meltdown- words and actions- cause older daughter to

fear and call Dad~ he leaves work ministry meeting to come rescue the situation~ he takes kids to

school (I thought)~ I drive to nowhere trying to make sense of my meltdown/emotions~a text from

Kathy, my mother-in-law, telling me she is praying causes me to find a destination and calm~school

calls and says 2 daughters are marked absent~ I call Husband and melt when he tells me he has

them, his love for them and me overwhelms~ I feel extreme shame that they were so upset they did

not go back to school~ I spend 4 hours in Village Inn with my Bible and journal, trying to work

through static and shame~ I shop for clothes, “maybe clothes meltdowns won’t happen if she had

some decent ones”…a band aid.~I grocery shop at Trader Joes and bump into a divine appointment

named Anna, who is there only to buy me flowers and my girls some penguin gummies~ why? the

interrupted meeting was at her house that morning, the one my husband brought two sad girls back to

~ we scoot to the corner in Trader Joes, she sheds tears for me-what love~ I find out later she had

already showered love on my girls by providing a movie and snacks so the meeting could go on ~

when home, I start to meltdown a second time, I want to crawl in a hole, when I realize so many

know of my shame~husband reminds me it is three women who know me, love me and care~he also

reminds me I already tell the world my junk online:)~I sit online and I am overwhelmed by your

guestbook comment love~I am overwhelmed even more when I see what is in my inbox, confessions

of meltdowns from some of YOU~I read your confession words, I am in awe. I feel in very good

company, those I admire most have been refined in the fire, found their way out of shame~I go to bed,

ready for new mercies.

This is all so humbling… embarrassing.
I have said 3 times today I just want to get over myself so I can LIVE! Then I remember that I AM living, that this IS life, and I am in the process of figuring out how to “live fully, where planted.”

I’ve got to figure out how to stop wishing for a different pot, and see that the one I am growing roots into is the perfect one, handmade by HIM for me.

Thank you for having such compassionate eyes for me and my potting mess.

April 2011
—————

Are you feeling weak? Are you in the middle of a storm?

Be encouraged.

“Your weakness is not a deterrent to being filled with My Spirit; on the contrary, it provides an opportunity for My Power to shine forth more brightly.” –Jesus Calling

Lift your head dear one. Let His light shine on you….in no time you will be growing & dancing.

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Fighting The Fear Of Death While Facing Death

{Free Download From Laura Casey. Click here to get yours!}

I have been reaching, grasping, holding firmly to the Anchor of my soul lately. Life brings the swirling waters and I reach, knowing it is there, this steadfast Anchor whom I call Lord. I held fast and firm the last few days as we said goodbye to my sweet Grandpa. He was brought safely to shore, an arrival to a home he longed for and a God whom he served faithfully all his life.

Just a couple days before watching Grandpa peacefully meet his maker, I spoke at a women’s conference. My session title was called Fighting The Fear Of Death While Facing Death. I spoke of my cancer journey. I didn’t know 2 days later our family would be witnesses to this raging, terrible storm called death, and asked to let go of one we love so dearly. I did know, however, that no matter what life would bring, our Anchor holds.

———

An excerpt from my conference session:

How does one do this?

How does one fight fear of death, while facing death?
How do I open my clenched fists and allow “no’s” to become open hands that say “come what may?”
How do I find the trust it takes, to let go of the boat I’m nestled in with my sweet family, stand up, face the waves, know that if I do unclench my fists, I will fall, and not just fall, but fall seemingly into scary, stormy, overwhelming knew the minute I was diagnosed that this is what I must do. That this is a storm that would bring some very scary waters, and that I would have to jump in. Sometimes God tells us to just stay put and stay in the boat. This has been my message from Him my whole life…”just stay with me, Amy, just stay in the boat.” But sometimes, the storms that come force one right into the black waves. I also knew that in the dark unknown there was an anchor for my soul, that in order to fully grasp onto it, I would have to be stripped of all that I was clinging to.

The stripping started right away.
Cancer has stripped me, it has emptied me.

It has taken:
Hair,
Nails,
Breasts
Eyelashes
Sleep
Health
And so much more.

It has brought and is bringing me to the end of myself.
Less of me. More of Him.
It seems to give no choice.
At times it feels forced, this opening, this unclenching of hands.
I want to scream , NO!
I want to grip tight, closed and hard.
My will not Yours
To clumsily and stupidly grasp for a control that does not really exist.
In His faithfulness, the false securities are being removed.

What are some of those false securities? I wonder if any of you can relate to them…

~Control
~Perfection
~Beauty
~Stability
~Solitude
~My ducks in a row
~Validation
~Compliments

Before cancer,
God, my therapist and I
We were working on these false securities.
These lies that whisper false fulfillment.
These cravings that produce only a pretend sense of self.
An artificial me.
My therapist and I –We worked hard on trading the artificial for the real.
I can hear him asking over and over
“Amy, What is real here?” “Who does God say you are?” “What are you believing?”
“What is true?”
Remember…whatever is true, think on these things! {Philippians 4:8}
Truth.
Finding what was true and real was crushing the false fulfillment’s that I had. It was hard but necessary work.

The year before diagnosis came, I purposefully bowed out of all ministry, cleared my calendar as much as possible, and focused on simplifying, creating margins in life, slowing down, and getting into His Word. It was so hard for me to find and use the word “no” but I know if I had not, I would not have been prepared for what was to come. God was starting to change the desires of my heart.

In that year, I longed and asked for less of me and more of Him. I begged Him for wisdom. I asks that He would use me–an introvert–to bring others into His Kingdom, and that He would show me how to live fully.

God was being so faithful. He knew as He answered these requests that my life boat would be taken on an unexpected course. He knew what was in store for me. He knew the waters that I would tread, for when diagnosis came, so did these words-loud and clear-

“For THIS He has prepared me.”

——-

God does not bring us to the storms in life and leave us there. He gives us everything we could possibly need and even starts preparing us long before it comes. He sees the wind and waves, and knows exactly what we as His children are going to face. He promises to work all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. {Romans 8:28}

——-

Hold fast my dear family. Our Anchor holds, and one day, we too, will be allowed to go ashore and see our sweet Earl Rice Jr. once again. What a day that will be! Oh Glory!! Face to face.

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

A Health Update — Blood Test Results

I just got results back from 2 blood tests and I am feeling great about them.

The first blood test was taken at my Oncologist office, a standard blood test that I have every six months. My results looked really good, my white and red blood cells counts were normal. The blood tests shows that my liver and kidneys are working well with no damage, and certain mineral levels (like potassium) are back where they should be, thanks in huge part to the supplements I take.

This blood test is always reassuring to me, and it has been fun to see my numbers normal! During chemo treatment my numbers were not normal, so staring at the familiar results paper & charts and seeing normal numbers is such a gift! It is also a big deal to look so healthy on paper since I had 3 surgeries in 3 months and an infection from one of those surgeries. It is amazing how quickly the body can heal and jump back from trauma like that.

The second blood test was taken by my OB/GYN who has been keeping a close watch on ovarian cysts and the process of shutting down my hormonal system via Lupron Shots and Arimedex. This process is a new one for me the last 3 months, and is going as well as can be expected.

As I wrote about in detail here, the cancer drug Tamoxifen was no longer an option for me, as it was causing me to sleep my life away. I made it 2 1/2 years on that drug. I do not miss it!

I’m doing ok on the new meds, but the side effects are not a walk in the park. I have pretty extreme joint pain in my hips, ankles, and spine. We are removing estrogen with meds, and estrogen keeps tendons & ligaments & joints lubricated and flexible. I feel like the tin man on the Wizard of Oz, who really needs my oil can to work. Right now, yoga, glucosamine and turmeric is keeping the pain bearable and is my oil can, but aching is now a part of my every day life, and probably will be for the next 3-5 years. Better than sleeping all day…for sure! I hated missing out on life by sleeping it away!

Back to the blood test results, it showed my “estrogen and progesterone levels were appropriate for one in pre-mature ovarian failure” YAY! That is what we want, as estrogen and progesterone both fed my cancer. They also tested my CRP levels, as there is a cyst hanging out on my ovary that they wanted to make sure was not anything to worry about (ovarian cancer.) My CRP levels were low, which really makes me breath easy. CRP levels show if there is any inflammation in the body, so an overall CRP level tells you my heart & organs are working well and is a good sign that there is no cancer growing in the body. Yippee!

The last level they checked for is Vitamin D. Mine is 56, which is considered great for the average person. He would like to see mine up in the 80’s due to my cancer history, but above 26 is what most physicians want. I am taking 5,000 IU’s a day, and Doc is confident my Vitamin D will just keep going up.

Having adequate Vitamin D levels is super important for anyone with cancer history, and is really great for immunity. I have all 3 of my girls taking Vitamin D with their multi-vitamins, it is important to me as most Americans are deficient in Vitamin D.

Click here to read more about the importance of Vitamin D.

Click here to see the brand of Vitamin D I take.

I am feeling a big sigh of relief. Not too big, as my lung is still giving me issues when I breathe deep. Pretty sure this is due to radiation damage, but I hardly notice it and it has not gotten worse. I said no to a chest X-ray, as it seemed stupid to add more radiation to the area. Radiation is accumulative. If the pain got worse, I would give in and do it. My Oncologist felt fine letting me take the “wait and see” road. So far so good.

I find myself super excited for spring weather. I also feel very motivated to get in shape after being in bed so much with healing. I am doing yoga using my favorite yoga app, and am trying to walk at least 30 minutes a day. Small steps!

Joint pain is not the only side effect of instant menopause and cancer meds. I also have hot flashes, (so much better by taking extra Vitamin E as suggested by my Oncologist–400 IU’s in the morning and 400 IU’s at night) and the dreaded weight gain–a lovely 10 lbs! That is frustrating especially when I eat so healthy, but I am confident that consistent exercise will help. I refuse to get caught up in weight numbers, and will just continue to do my best to live a healthy lifestyle. I get that when weight gain is part of a medication side effect, there is only so much I can do, and I will accept that, all the while working hard at health.

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Faith As Small as A Mustard Seed–Or A Cancer Cell

{source}

I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker and the writers of Five Minute Friday – would love for you to join us! Today’s writing prompt is: Small.

GO.

This nagging fear…it is small but there.

I am year 3 going on year 4. Remission.

Remission. Not cured.

Remission. I’m not sure what it really means.

In all honesty, to me, it means paused. We are on hold, holding our breath to see if something so small,
so minuscule, unseen by the human eye,

will travel,

take root, grow, and uproot our lives again.

A cancer cell. It only takes one to attract others. They gather together, divide and have a tumor party. If this happens in an organ, for me, the party on this earth will be over.

Year 3 going on year 4 is a critical time. It is not time to exhale yet. It is almost long enough for the small to become large enough to reveal itself in symptoms & scans.

Speaking of symptoms, these small aches and pains. They cause a small pause within the pause. We tell ourselves they are side effects. We pray they stay small, yes, to stay bearable, but mostly to stay benign.

{source}

In these times I reach for my faith. As small as a mustard seed, yet I can move mountains. This is His promise to me.

A small seed of belief. When given to Him, he plants it and grows a tree. Shade for this aching body to rest and refresh. We sit under together, I tell Him my fear. I thank Him for the shade and this view of life. I realize that paused and planting seeds is beautiful, indeed. I believe and see, the biggest party is yet to be.

STOP.

Cancer Journey/ Spiritual

Figuring Out What New Means & A Health Update

My word of the year is New.

I have been talking about all things NEW here at New Nostalgia for awhile now…and by golly, would you believe I’m still learning key lessons on what it means to live new? (I hardly ever say ‘by golly’ but it sure is fun when I do!)

{#oneword –Word of the Year Personalized Vintage Dictionary Necklace from Krafty Kash}

The above verse is the one I claimed for this year, and I know better than to think that what God is saying in the verse is that this year will be problem free. But honestly, I did have my fingers crossed and my heart hoping.

I had just ended the year healing from 3 months of 3 surgeries and had some new ‘parts’ (va-va- voom!) so I was feeling very excited, hopeful and ready to start the new year.

I had even talked about how NEW meant ‘change’ for me. Doing things in a new way. Figuring out what was not ‘working for me’ (as Dr. Phil always asks…”how’s that workin’ for ya?”) and trying something different.

But somehow it sunk into my heart that “pathway through the wilderness” and that “rivers or streams through the desert” would look a certain way. Especially when it came to my health. I thought I would find some relief from the constant side effects and symptoms from having cancer. Pathways in wilderness and streams in deserts sound pretty relieving after all, don’t they?

Well, God’s ways are always higher and different than what our wants and ways would be. This is another thing I should know by now, but it is so easy forget. His ways are higher, mysterious, and always good. I trust that fully.

So I have another look at the above verse, Isaiah 43:19 and I feel He is saying to me:

“Amy…do you not see it?”

“I’ve made a pathway, I AM that stream. Follow me. Walk easy into what I have for you…with wilderness surrounding, the unknown pulling for you thoughts…keep them on me. For I am walking with you. I made that path. I know what is up ahead. There will be times I will be carrying you, but mostly we will just be easy walking together, with life swirling around and temptations lurking, it will get easier and you will be surprised by our leisure hand-in-hand walking. This is what is NEW. Your thoughts will be new. Your focus will be new. I have and am making you new this day and everyday. The world you live in and circumstances that come your way are the wilderness. I am with you, child, so hold my hand, do not get distracted and do not fear.”

Oh and that stream?

“I have for you streams of living water that will give you strength and life. I will refresh your soul. I will lead you to exactly what you need. Your eyes are on me so you will not miss the life I have for you. As a dear pants for water you long for this and I am here to give you an abundant life, where waters flow in and through you, spreading my abundant life source to others, for it never runs out. When you are weary, drink. When you are hurting or have been hurt by another, turn to me & drink. Do not go running off into the wilderness frantic and needy. I have all you need. I am all you need. This is the change. This is what is new. You will be turning to me more and more with ease, as your trust in me grows, as you remember all that I have done for you and how I have never left or forsaken you.”

Ahhhh…true refreshment. How could I want for more?

These reminders come with some new symptoms that I have been having.

During my surgeries I had pleurisy and pleural effusion (fluid on the lung and lung inflammation). It is not super common during surgery and it threw my surgeon a bit. They put me on antibiotics and I felt better…until recently. I am having pain in my left lung. Not as painful as when I had pleurisy but very noticeable. I am also short of breath and get winded just walking up stairs. I have noticed cold weather we have been having irritates it when I am out in it.

I have been to the doctor and they are suspicious of radiation damage to my lung. It is on the left side that was radiated and can be common in breast cancer survivors. I knew when I had treatment that I would be dealing with side effects from treatment in the future, but I thought it would be when I am in my 50’s, 60’s or 70’s. Not this soon.

I have an appointment with my Oncologiest on the 19th, where I will have full blood workup and a chest X-ray. As much as I hate to do more radiation to the area (radiation is accumulative, and I have had a lot of it) they need to know what we are dealing with. The lung is a common place for breast cancer to metastasize, so we need to rule that out. It is also the exact area where my tumor came .1mm from my chest wall, so that makes me a little nervous. The thing that I hold on to is that they did a chest MRI back in December, and nothing suspicious showed up there. Just fluid and inflammation. The problem is, there is always a reason for pleural effusion. To fix it, you need to find the underlying cause.

It is funny when you are hoping for radiation damage. Not that I want that at all, but it is much, much better than hearing cancer is back. If breast cancer comes back in an organ, it is an automatic stage 4.

I am also curious about how my heart is doing. The chemo and radiation both effect the heart, fluid on the lung can be a sign that the heart is damaged, too.

Honestly, I am doing well with all of this. I am not fearful of it being cancer, although I very well know statistically where I fall and that it could be.

I struggled more with being disappointed that my NEW year with my NEW word was not working out as I had planned. Notice the ‘my’ and ‘I’ in that statement. Yeah, I’ve been working that out with God.

I found myself mourning my youth and a youthful body, as reality is I feel old. The hormone blockers make me feel very old with hot flashes and all things menopause related. I have been having lots of joint pain and stiffness on this new med. And now it looks like I have an old lady lung. One of my first thoughts when I heard what this pain could be was “now I will never run a marathon.” Not that I ever would have….but it ticks me off that I probably couldn’t even if I wanted to. From all I have read it seems like radiation lung damage is permanent and if anything can get worse over time. Poo.

So yes, it was a hard week last week processing all of this, and I questioned God about the verse He gave me. And He was close. And He showed me where my thinking needed to change. And He held me when I mourned. And He has given me an extreme peace while I wait for my next appointments.

This is what walking on the path with Him looks like. RELATIONSHIP. Telling Him of my fears, questioning Him, processing with Him. He is ever so close and faithful. This week the two of us just paused on the path together, He held me & listened, then reminded me of all His promises, and told me to drink. I am refreshed. I have eyes to see. I have NEW hope, purpose, & peace.

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

He Is Making Me

I spent most of the day yesterday making appointments. Not just for me, but for my family, as I have fallen behind in life during my surgeries and the holidays.

~Orthodontist (2 girls)

~Ophthalmologist (3 of us)

~Dentist (2 of us)

~Pediatrician

~Parent Teacher Conference

~Counselor

~Oncologist #1 (Zoladex shot)

~Oncologist #2 (6 month check up)

~OB (follow up on pelvic ultrasound)

~Plastic Surgeon (2 month followup)

~Hair Stylist (me)

February is full of appointments, but I still felt good about it all. It felt great to get things on the calendar that I have not been able to get to. At least it did yesterday.

Today, I need an attitude check. I no longer feel great about a month full of appointments, because I’ve had to add a few more.

My sweet friend Ann was here with me this morning and we were sharing our hearts. I told her that I have had some new side effects from the new meds I am taking–joint pain in my feet, ankles, spine and hips. She understands as she has been living with rheumatoid arthritis for at least 15 years. She knows joint pain, and has shown me what it looks like to walk through life with pain and grace.

I also told her that I have been having some chest pains that remind me very much of when I had pleurisy and pleural effusion after surgery about a month ago. The pain is not as severe as it was, but very noticeable on my inhale and causes me to breath shallow. I’m also feeling a little breathless, and have to stop mid-sentence at times to take a breath in. It has kept me up at night.

My Ann gently encouraged me that it was time to call the Doc.

I needed that push. You see, I chose the word NEW as my word of the year. I am healing very nicely from surgery and everything does feel new and fresh. I have REALLY been enjoying that feeling, and if I had it my way…that nice, shiny, new, no-problem feeling would stay around for a bit…if I had it my way.

So I start dialing.

Being a cancer patient, one question we often run up against is “which doctor do I call?” I have my 6 month checkup February 19 with my oncologist, and if I had my way, they would move it up for me and see me now due to my chest pain. They have a lab right there in office, and an x-ray machine. It would be easy, one appointment, nice and tidy. But that is not usually how it goes..and it didn’t.

I called my oncologist and because my surgeon was the one to deal with the pleurisy a month ago, she said to call him. I had a feeling she would say that.

I called my plastic surgeon’s office and his nurse was so very sweet, but she said exactly what I knew she would. “You need to call your primary care doctor and be seen and let her listen to your lungs.”

Now I’m sitting here, not dialing and honestly….pouting.

I don’t want another appointment. I love my primary care doc, but I know she will be thorough and order a whole bunch of tests, which will send me around the city of Lincoln and cause me to have to make more appointments.

After making all these phone calls while my dear Ann was still hear, I received a call from my OB with results from an ultrasound I had last week. It was to make sure the shots I take really has shut down hormones. This is important as I am taking a med should only be taken if a woman is in menopause. The OB nurse told me I need to be seen to discuss the ultrasound. There is still what they think is a cyst on my ovary which surprised us all, because I am on shots that cause chemical menopause.

This is when I got upset.

I’m taking these shots so I would not have to deal with these cysts anymore. The news that it is still there really surprised me. I’m not happy about it.

This is when my Ann, after holding my face with both hands and giving me a hug, started to sing a song. A song that she could not get out of her head. She asked me if I had heard it.

We looked it up on YouTube and listened together. I have listened to it 3 times since she left.

Here is what I am reminded of through this song:

There has to be broken to be healed

There has to be empty to be filled

There has to be loneliness, to know our desire is really for Him

He is making me.

Make me broken

So I can be healed

‘Cause I’m so calloused

And now I can’t feel

I want to run to You

With heart wide open

Make me broken

I heard the beginning of the song, and my immediate thoughts were..”I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to heal anymore.” Yep, right smack in the middle of my pity party.

But I know my God. I know He is healer. I know He is faithful. I know how amazingly precious the moments have been with Him in my most broken state. Precious moments I would not trade.

I do not want to become calloused and unfeeling. This is what I feel when I start thinking of ‘what-ifs’ and worry about the future and all these crazy appointments! My head spins, my thoughts worry, my heart pouts & I become distracted and numb. This is NOT what I want.

I want a heart wide open. So yes, Lord, make me broken.

Make empty

So I can be filled

‘Cause I’m still holding

Onto my will

And I’m completed

When you are with me

Make me empty

Did you notice above how many times I said “if I had it my way”? Tight grasped holding onto my will. Oh why do I want it? Have I not seen? Have I not heard?

Isaiah 40: 28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard?The Everlasting God, the LORD, the creator of the ends of the earthDoes not become weary or tired.His understanding is inscrutable.He gives strength to the weary,And to him who lacks might He increases power.Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly,Yet those who wait for the LORDWill gain new strength;They will mount up with wings like eagles,They will run and not get tired,They will walk and not become weary.

I am completed when you are with me.

[Chorus:]

‘Til You are my one desire

‘Til You are my one true love

‘Til You are my breath, my everything

Lord, please keep making me

My one true love, my desire, my breath my everything. Sounds like a Valentine. So fitting for February.

Make me lonely

So I can be Yours

“Til I want no one

More than You, Lord

‘Cause in the darkness

I know You will hold me

Make me lonely

Oh boy this is a tough one. One I am doing battle with. I want to be heard & understood. Cared for. Loved. Held.

God knows the desires of my heart. He cautions me to not want anyone or anything more than Him. He tells me He will hold me in the dark, fully known, fully loved.

[Chorus}

‘Til You are my one desire

‘Til You are my one true love

‘Til You are my breath, my everything

Lord, please keep making me

Yes, my word of the year is ‘NEW‘ and my Ann reminded me today that He is making me new daily. He gives me a new day, gives me new strength, and opens my eyes to the new.

So I will set aside my pity party, and make the phone call. Maybe.

Or I might wait until the 19th for my 6 month checkup and see what my blood work says and if Oncologist is concerned and pain is still there, she can order a chest x-ray to be done in her office. I will see what my body tells me in the next day or two. If it stays the same or gets worse, I will call my doctor. If it gets better, I will wait.

In the meantime, I will listen to the song one more time, and remember:

There has to be broken to be healed

There has to be empty to be filled

There has to be loneliness, to know our desire is really for Him

He is making me.

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