Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

He Is Making Me

I spent most of the day yesterday making appointments.  Not just for me, but for my family, as I have fallen behind in life during my surgeries and the holidays. 

~Orthodontist (2 girls)
~Ophthalmologist (3 of us)
~Dentist (2 of us)
~Parent Teacher Conference 
~Oncologist #1 (Zoladex shot)
~Oncologist #2 (6 month check up)
~OB (follow up on pelvic ultrasound)
~Plastic Surgeon (2 month followup)
~Hair Stylist (me)
February is full of appointments, but I still felt good about it all.  It felt great to get things on the calendar that I have not been able to get to.  At least it did yesterday.
Today, I need an attitude check.  I no longer feel great about a month full of appointments, because I’ve had to add a few more. 
My sweet friend Ann was here with me this morning and we were sharing our hearts.  I told her that I have had some new side effects from the new meds I am taking–joint pain in my feet, ankles, spine and hips.  She understands as she has been living with rheumatoid arthritis for at least 15 years.  She knows joint pain, and has shown me what it looks like to walk through life with pain and grace.
I also told her that I have been having some chest pains that remind me very much of when I had pleurisy and pleural effusion after surgery about a month ago.  The pain is not as severe as it was, but very noticeable on my inhale and causes me to breath shallow.  I’m also feeling a little breathless, and have to stop mid-sentence at times to take a breath in.  It has kept me up at night.
My Ann gently encouraged me that it was time to call the Doc.
I needed that push. You see, I chose the word NEW as my word of the year.  I am healing very nicely from surgery and everything does feel new and fresh.  I have REALLY been enjoying that feeling, and if I had it my way…that nice, shiny, new, no-problem feeling would stay around for a bit…if I had it my way. 
So I start dialing.

Being a cancer patient, one question we often run up against is “which doctor do I call?”  I have my 6 month checkup February 19 with my oncologist, and if I had my way, they would move it up for me and see me now due to my chest pain.  They have a lab right there in office, and an x-ray machine.  It would be easy, one appointment, nice and tidy.  But that is not usually how it goes..and it didn’t.
I called my oncologist and because my surgeon was the one to deal with the pleurisy a month ago, she said to call him.  I had a feeling she would say that.
I called my plastic surgeon’s office and his nurse was so very sweet, but she said exactly what I knew she would.  “You need to call your primary care doctor and be seen and let her listen to your lungs.”
Now I’m sitting here, not dialing and honestly….pouting.
I don’t want another appointment.  I love my primary care doc, but I know she will be thorough and order a whole bunch of tests, which will send me around the city of Lincoln and cause me to have to make more appointments. 
After making all these phone calls while my dear Ann was still hear, I received a call from my OB with results from an ultrasound I had last week.  It was to make sure the shots I take really has shut down hormones.  This is important as I am taking a med should only be taken if a woman is in menopause.  The OB nurse told me I need to be seen to discuss the ultrasound.  There is still what they think is a cyst on my ovary which surprised us all, because I am on shots that cause chemical menopause.  
This is when I got upset.  
I’m taking these shots so I would not have to deal with these cysts anymore.  The news that it is still there really surprised me.  I’m not happy about it.
This is when my Ann, after holding my face with both hands and giving me a hug, started to sing a song.  A song that she could not get out of her head. She asked me if I had heard it.  
We looked it up on YouTube and listened together.  I have listened to it 3 times since she left.
Here is what I am reminded of through this song:
There has to be broken to be healed
There has to be empty to be filled
There has to be loneliness, to know our desire is really for Him
He is making me.  
Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
I heard the beginning of the song, and my immediate thoughts were..”I don’t want to be broken.  I don’t want to heal anymore.” Yep, right smack in the middle of my pity party.
But I know my God.  I know He is healer.  I know He is faithful.  I know how amazingly precious the moments have been with Him in my most broken state.  Precious moments I would not trade.
I do not want to become calloused and unfeeling.  This is what I feel when I start thinking of ‘what-ifs’ and worry about the future and all these crazy appointments!  My head spins, my thoughts worry, my heart pouts & I become distracted and numb. This is NOT what I want.  
I want a heart wide open.  So yes, Lord, make me broken.
Make empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
Did you notice above how many times I said “if I had it my way”?  Tight grasped holding onto my will.  Oh why do I want it?  Have I not seen?  Have I not heard? 

Isaiah 40: 28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard?The Everlasting God, the LORD, the creator of the ends of the earthDoes not become weary or tired.His understanding is inscrutable.He gives strength to the weary,And to him who lacks might He increases power.Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly,Yet those who wait for the LORDWill gain new strength;They will mount up with wings like eagles,They will run and not get tired,They will walk and not become weary.

I am completed when you are with me.
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
My one true love, my desire, my breath my everything.  Sounds like a Valentine.  So fitting for February.  
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
“Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
Oh boy this is a tough one.  One I am doing battle with.  I want to be heard & understood.  Cared for. Loved.  Held.  
God knows the desires of my heart.  He cautions me to not want anyone or anything more than Him.  He tells me He will hold me in the dark, fully known, fully loved.
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Yes, my word of the year is ‘NEW‘ and my Ann reminded me today that He is making me new daily.  He gives me a new day, gives me new strength, and opens my eyes to the new.
So I will set aside my pity party, and make the phone call.  Maybe.
Or I might wait until the 19th for my 6 month checkup and see what my blood work says and if Oncologist is concerned and pain is still there, she can order a chest x-ray to be done in her office.  I will see what my body tells me in the next day or two.  If it stays the same or gets worse, I will call my doctor.  If it gets better, I will wait.
In the meantime, I will listen to the song one more time, and remember:
There has to be broken to be healed
There has to be empty to be filled
There has to be loneliness, to know our desire is really for Him
He is making me.  

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  • MamaKueg
    February 3, 2014 at 4:56 am

    Praying for you!

  • Miss Rachel M.
    January 31, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    Praying for you and believing that God the Healer is right there with you!

  • joni
    January 30, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I have experienced similar struggles, and its always refreshing, reassuring, and rejuvenating to relate to others in such an emotional and spiritual way. As I read your post about brokenness, it immediately resonated with me as a dear friend of mine just started a blog called Life Like Spilled Water ( I’m sure you follow many blogs, etc, but check out her very first post and watch the video of her testimony if you have an opportunity. I know how daunting appointments can be so I pray for strength, endurance, and hopefulness for you through this time.

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