Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

For When You Are Weak

 I vividly remember the day I write about below.  I was an emotional, hormonal mess, having just started a hormone therapy drug for cancer and also just going off a medication that I took for anxiety that was not compatible with the new cancer med.  

I read the journal entry today, 3 years later, and I marvel at how good God is.  For so many reasons, but especially because I am alive almost 4 years after diagnosis, and I have clearly seen Him grow me and continue to show me that He is such a sweet, good God.  

He tells us in the Bible to look back and ‘remember His works.’  I do this often, especially when life feels so very hard and out control. These are the times I need to remember to give Him my worries and concerns.  I remember that He has brought me and my family through so much, and I remember that no matter how hard life gets, that He promises to finish the work He has started.  

I love spring.  I love going to nurseries & choosing beautiful flowers to plant.  I tease the roots apart & think about the strong roots He has been faithful to grow in me.  I remember that they are there, I remember that my Gardener will be faithful in watering, nourishing & providing light for me.  I am taken care of and safe, which makes me brave & beautiful, able to turn my face to the Son & dance.

————

April 2011 Cancer Journal Entry

Yesterday was NOT a good day.  One of my hardest since diagnosis.  For sure the most humbling.

It went like this:

Husband leaves for work~ ~I’m feeling weak and tired, not myself~ daughter wants to wear summer 
clothes on a 50 degree day~I say no~she refuses to get dressed~ I have a major meltdown and act 
more childish than she~ the intensity of my meltdown- words and actions- cause older daughter to 
fear and call Dad~ he leaves work ministry meeting to come rescue the situation~ he takes kids to 
school (I thought)~ I drive to nowhere trying to make sense of my meltdown/emotions~a text from 
Kathy, my mother-in-law, telling me she is praying causes me to find a destination and calm~school 
calls and says 2 daughters are marked absent~ I call Husband and melt when he tells me he has
them, his love for them and me overwhelms~ I feel extreme shame that they were so upset they did 
not go back to school~ I spend 4 hours in Village Inn with my Bible and journal, trying to work 
through static and shame~ I shop for clothes, “maybe clothes meltdowns won’t happen if she had 
some decent ones”…a band aid.~I grocery shop at Trader Joes and bump into a divine appointment 
named Anna, who is there only to buy me flowers and my girls some penguin gummies~ why? the 
interrupted meeting was at her house that morning, the one my husband brought two sad girls back to  
~ we scoot to the corner in Trader Joes, she sheds tears for me-what love~ I find out later she had 
already showered love on my girls by providing a movie and snacks so the meeting could go on ~  
when home, I start to meltdown a second time, I want to crawl in a hole, when I realize so many 
know of my shame~husband reminds me it is three women who know me, love me and care~he also 
reminds me I already tell the world my junk online:)~I sit online and I am overwhelmed by your 
guestbook comment love~I am overwhelmed even more when I see what is in my inbox, confessions 
 of meltdowns from some of YOU~I read your confession words, I am in awe. I feel in very good 
company, those I admire most have been refined in the fire, found their way out of shame~I go to bed, 

ready for new mercies.

This is all so humbling… embarrassing.
I have said 3 times today I just want to get over myself so I can LIVE!  Then I remember that I AM living, that this IS life, and I am in the process of figuring out how to “live fully, where planted.”

I’ve got to figure out how to stop wishing for a different pot, and see that the one I am growing roots into is the perfect one, handmade by HIM for me.

Thank you for having such compassionate eyes for me and my potting mess.

April 2011
—————

Are you feeling weak?  Are you in the middle of a storm? 

Be encouraged.
“Your weakness is not a deterrent to being filled with My Spirit; on the contrary, it provides an opportunity for My Power to shine forth more brightly.” –Jesus Calling 

Lift your head dear one.  Let His light shine on you….in no time you will be growing & dancing.

3

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  • Mandi @ LevelUpHouse
    June 6, 2014 at 12:03 am

    Wow, looks nice! Something that helped me was going on a year-long “cleaning supplies diet”. I stopped buying things that normally get stored under the sink and used up all the stuff I already had. I found I had a lot of one-off cleaners that I never used unless basically forced to, and once I used ’em up I didn’t replace them. My under-sink cabinet became much more manageable with so much less stuff in it!

  • SHARON WOOD
    May 1, 2014 at 10:49 am

    Amy,
    I just loved reading your blog today…it lifted my spirits. I, too, am hiding my feelings from my loved ones and you gave me the courage to open up and speak to them. Praise God I found you years ago and Amy, I praise you for for your courage.

  • Jan Lipi
    May 1, 2014 at 2:00 am

    Surely there is a comment to this already! This made me gasp because it’s so true … there are so many people out there, personally known, and those who are only in the cybersphere, like me … Lift your head dear one, let His light shine on you … I am NOT a very religious person but truly believe that THIS is a quote that all must keep dear to their heart … you are fortunate to have a husband who reacts to your needs (even when you don’t realize you needed something) and to those around you who really care … my thoughts and prayers are with you and oh how I wish I could keep this a private message to you to keep it sincere …

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