I am on a walking trail
Ipod in ears–again.
Iced latte in hand-again!
I look for a bench to sit and write, I avoid the ones that are engraved and say “In Memoriam,” for they depress me further than I already am.
I am sad.
The only benches in the shade are these said benches, so I give in and sit on the shiny, cold marble that is carved with the name, “Marilyn, 1999.” Did she love this trail too? Did she walk when alive, drinking in the sounds of life? Did she walk it slow, weak and sick, feeling life fade? I wonder these things and I feel sad for Marilyn.
I am not used to being sad. Moody, yes. Sad, no.
I take a walk today, to get some exercise, and to pray release some natural serotonin. Surprisingly, it helps.
How could it not? The 60- degree cool breeze, brings whiffs of spring flowering trees. These trees are the accessories of nature in the springtime, touches of purple, yellow, white and pink. God never over-accessorizes. He always gets it just right.
The sun shines but plays hide- and- seek behind large, white clouds. It is a bit annoying as I have to reach for the jacket tied around my waist, every time it stays hidden for too long. Annoying, but amusing, this hide-and-seek-game-playing with the sun.
This game I can’t control reminds me of life right now, and makes me think about how I am responding to things out of my control. Am I responding annoyed or amused? Truthfully, I have fallen into self pity. I am oozing discontentment as these annoyances come my way:
~painful joints that get “stuck” when I sit too long–chemo side effects
~a female cycle that brings 2 weeks of emotional struggle, more than an annoyance–a full- blown sting.
~fatigue. I pay for my walks, for at least 2-3 days after, I have little energy, needing naps and an early bedtime.
~right-side lower back pain. A dull ache. I wonder if it is the cyst on my ovary introducing itself to me.
These annoyances come my way and I respond annoyed.
I wonder how to change my response, to enter into the game and play nice. How to be sad without making everyone else around me sad, too?? How to play, and even how to fight with a submissive “yes” nod? Instead, I tense, fear and fight with a nodding, stubborn “no.”
I’ve lost my way and the ability to say, come what may.
I ponder these questions on my walk, as ipod pushes truth answers into my ears. I scroll through songs and come upon one that pushes through my swirling questions and thoughts, giving answers. Despite my dislike for the slight country twang, I listen to it three times…
It’s hard to stand on shifting sand
{shifting moods, shifting cycles}
It’s hard to shine in the shadows of the night
{my shadow of the night? Said cycle.}
You can’t be free if you don’t reach for help
{“Amy-keep looking to me, turning and reaching for my perfect help”-God}
You can’t love if you don’t love yourself
{“I love you with an unconditional love. It is complete, lacking nothing. True love. You are 100% fully known, and fully loved by me. This makes YOU complete”-God}
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I’m in better hands now
{“lean into my hands! Come to where you belong in this restful and safe place. Submit. Nod the “yes.”” -God}
It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
{right on cue with the music, the sun dramatically reveals itself from behind a cloud, playing its game. It makes me smile and gives me shivers. A God kiss. Even in rain sadness, the sun is still shining and will keep me warm despite the dreary.}
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
{I can walk through this life, these annoyances, He will help me rise above and even fly.}
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
{I’m starting to get it, starting my submissive “yes” nod}
I’m in better hands now
{not I, but Christ. Galatians 2:20. Not my own, but HIS!}
I am strong all because of you
{this statement revealed pride in me. I have felt tough since fighting this battle of cancer and getting through the treatments. But it was HE that got me through, and is getting me through. He who strengthens me!}
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
{one of my favorite lines in the song. This mountain, this cycle sting. He can move it! He can do what He pleases and has a plan for me that is good!}
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
{another favorite line, the lies want me to believe I am a lost cause, a continuous cycle of strong then weak. They want me to believe that I am the same. But, NO! Yesterday is gone, today is a new day with new mercies! These struggles do not define me. I am who He says I am. Changed. New.}
I am safe from this moment on
{the enemy whispers self-imposed ruin. But I know better. I know I am safe. My family is safe. My marriage is safe. My future is safe. He holds it all!}
[
There’s no fear when the night comes ’round
{It is ALL in His hands & SAFE.}I’m in better hands now
It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
I’m in better hands now
It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
It’s like the world is silent though I know it isn’t true
{If I feel alone, I am not. Silence and stillness can be embraced.}
It’s like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
{another God kiss. Again, right on cue of the music, I walk under a tunnel of sweet- breathed spring trees, white petals floating down in the spring breeze– it looks like snow! Fragrance all around. He is here. Through Him, I can handle whatever comes, even the sadness. I can nod “yes” and wait it out, for there is no doubt, I am in His hands, now.}
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
I’m in better hands now
I’m in better hands now
