Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

A Health Update & The Best Girlfriends

I have this special group of girlfriends. We are not able to get together as a whole very often, but when we do–world watch out! We wine, dine & “go there,” opening up our worlds and hearts to each other, knowing it is one of the safest places to do so.

Because we are not able to get together often, much of this opening of hearts and worlds happens in a Facebook group that we have formed. It is the place of many smiles and inside jokes, but most often it is the place where we place our prayer requests.

After I wrote this health update, I let my sweet group of friends know about it and asked them to pray for me. For some reason it took me longer than usual to update them. I’ve been quiet, a bit withdrawn. I blame nausea for this. When it lasts at least half the day, it seems to take me the rest of the day to recover emotionally, and then it starts over the next day. So, it has made me quiet. And tired. I spin my wheels trying to keep up with life, most of the time in a weird spot of wanting to be busy but being so very tired from just putting one foot in front of the other and a smile on, yet, busyness has brought relief. My girls keep me busy and driving them around is about the only thing that feels normal right now as my body sure doesn’t. And since I’m being honest I suppose it took me a bit to ask for prayer as there is a part of me that is not just physically tired but also tired of being the ‘sick girl.’

I want to be well and strong and happy and fun!

Sometimes life has other plans and they are not fun.

But here is the deal. God shows up even in the ‘not fun.’ He does. I’m in the middle of typing this not-so-fun post and my Facebook messenger dings and it is one of my girlfriends from the said Facebook group, who has been praying for a job but that prayer is not yet answered so she has time and wants to be with me during my upcoming scans. This is the first time I have not asked anyone to come with me. I am not sure why, it’s just that ‘quiet’ thing I guess. This new ‘a-bit-withdrawn’ me. Not really knowing what I need or will want moment-by-moment but God sure does. I’m not sure if we can work it out for her to be there, but just knowing she was willing was a God-kiss for me.

The responses I got from my sweet friends in my Facebook group were so dear. One tells me she is “praying peace over and around” me. Another sent me the song I post below that just soothed me and was what I needed to hear. It really hit me while listening to it how I’ve been consumed with trying to solve the mystery of my health, trying to figure out why I have been feeling so sick, instead of just resting and trusting. I confessed my anxiety to the group and she also reminded me to hold every thought captive & worship, worship, worship our God. What better advice could one give? I needed it and my heart received it. Such sweet love.

By the time I finished this post my sweet friend group offered to come by an evening this week to pray for me, led by one who told me she has been praying Luke 7:50 at 7:50 a.m. for me every morning since writing my last ‘health update’ post. Yeah, overwhelming love.

+++++++

So scans. It has been 2 years and my Oncologist wants to look inside and make sure we are not missing anything with my new symptoms of nausea, weight loss and fatigue. She is also giving me a month-long break from my cancer meds, including my dreaded monthly shot that places an implant under my skin each month to shut my ovaries down. She wants to see if that is what is causing the symptoms. My next one is due on Friday so if I start having relief from symptoms around that time then maybe the cancer meds are the culprits. If so, well, that is another post, and I will keep you updated.

In the meantime, I’m going to obey my girlfriends and trust our very trustworthy God and worship, worship, worship!

Psalms 59:16 But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress.

Trust

noun

1.

firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

I Will Trust In You

by Lauren Dangle

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen

So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

You are my strength and comfort
You are my steady hand
You are my firm foundation; the rock on which I stand

Your ways are always higher
Your plans are always good
There’s not a place where I’ll go, You’ve not already stood

I will trust in You!

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

A Health Update

Hello & Health Update

I’ve been saying in the last few posts that I have not been feeling well, so I thought I would fill you all in on what’s going on with my health. It has been a long time since I last did a health update, and honestly I have been digging my heel’s in and just hoping in time I would feel better. Instead, I thought it was time to fill you all in.

I am still in remission–praise God!

We are not sure what is causing my health problems, which includes pretty severe nausea most days, starting in the morning. I wake up almost every day with a case of the dry heaves. I never throw up, of which I am most grateful for. Despite this, the amount of nausea I feel during the day has caused my appetite to become very low. I am most hungry in the evenings and that is when I try to get as many calories in as I can. Despite working on getting calories in, I’ve lost about 18 pounds the last few months. I really hope to not lose anymore! I am on some anti-nausea meds, but their help is minimal and they make me want to sleep, sleep sleep! Have you noticed I am not doing as many recipe posts here at New Nostalgia? I still have to cook for my family, and eat myself, so you will see them occasionally still, just not as often until I start feeling better!

Along with the nausea, I have had digestion issues. I have always had a strong digestive system, so this is all very new for me. I say new, but it has been going on since January.

Yes, January. To be real and honest, it is starting to wear on me.

We are working with my primary care doctor, my Oncologist, & my Psychiatrist to try to figure out what is going on.

We started with getting me off any mood med, knowing that the side effects can cause nausea. That didn’t go so well and has been a rough road as I tried getting back on my normal mood med and I just was not able to tolerate side effects. I have found another, but it does not take me to where I really would like to be when it comes to stability, but for now, it will work. I think all the unknowns of what is going on with my health has really made my anxiety rise and honestly I have felt anxiety like I never have these last couple of months, which really can’t help anything!

I started to feel better last month after detoxing off all mood meds (this was a very long road) and sticking with one. But then…my monthly injection happened and it sent me on this downward spiral, both physically and emotionally. I wish I could explain better how it feels. Emotionally it feels like someone put a lid on me and on my joy. Things I used to find such joy in are now just kinda ‘eh’ and I also have found myself quite restless. My morning nausea came back in full swing and so did my anxiety. I told myself and my Todd I will never have that shot again, as it seems to me that it is the cause of all of this misery.

We meet with my Oncologist on Tuesday and I know she will not be too pleased to hear this. This shot is what shuts down my hormones as my cancer was fed by hormones and protects me from recurrence. She will probably suggest trying Tamoxifen again (which made me sleep my life away and caused painful ovarian cysts each month) or suggest having my ovaries surgically removed. The monthly injection (called a Zoladex Injection) is a way to chemically shut down my ovaries, so I can see Doc wanting to just remove my ovaries. Many women in my shoes with my type of cancer get this operation done, and I will probably do so, but I feel very fearful about this surgery as it is permanent and what if I feel just as sick with them being permanently gone, not to mention my moods? I will not have the luxury of supplementing with hormones, which is what most women who have had this surgery (including Angelina Jolie) do to have stable hormonal health. If you are a cancer survivor and have had this surgery with no hormone supplementation, would you let me know how you are doing? I would love to hear from anyone who has walked this road.

I also have an appointment with a Gastroenterologist in mid June. I would have loved to have seen one sooner, and have been on a waiting list, but boy these guys are busy! I am very curious to know if they find anything wrong with my gut or have any answers for me. I need reassurance from them that this is not cancer returning to my stomach, as with lobular type cancer, the stomach can be a more common place for cancer to return.

My Primary Care Doctor has already done blood work, a stomach ultrasound, and checked to see if my gall bladder is functioning properly. All came back normal. Yay!

So that is it in a nutshell. It is hard to explain how consuming health can be, especially when one experiences nausea the majority of the day. I know it could be so much worse, but I also know life has changed drastically for me the last few months.

I find myself fighting and facing fear with all of the unknowns, but I do know God is with me and has been so faithful in the past to show me what path to take. I feel like I have recently lost my way a bit in just resting in that, but I still know it to be true.

I am seeing a new therapist whom I just adore, and she just keeps leading me to the truth that God has got it all. I am excited to share with you as I learn and grow and glean from her. I will also keep you all informed on how I am doing.

You all have always been such a supportive community. You read and applaud the sponsored posts I do hear at New Nostalgia, which is such a blessing to me and to our budget, and you read and are with me in these more raw and vulnerable posts, too. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such a great community of readers. Love to you all! <3

Prayer Requests If I May:

~emotional stability, especially when it comes to anxiety

~to have peace about doing the surgery if that is the next step

~answers to what is causing nausea and stomach issues.

~that the doctors can all collaborate somehow (Oncologist, Gastroenterologist, Primary Care Physician and Psychologist) and come up with the best solutions for me. Right now I feel like a ping-pong ball going from one to another.

~for peace and joy

5 Minute Fridays/ Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Staying Open When You Want To Grip Closed

Participating in 5 Minute Fridays. 5 minutes to write about one word. Unedited.

This week’s word: OPEN.

………………..

GO:

“Open your heart, open your hands, keep open to me, my Darling.”

My Savior woos.

This temptation to grip tight & close, to go inward–it is especially strong as of late.

My actions would match the pit in my stomach, tight & gripped.

I know He has plans and purpose, even in the struggle…especially in the struggle.

This physical body, this shell I live in…it can be such a complicated thing. Physical, emotional, spiritual. All entwined.

Yesterday I read the report of my physical body. A simple blood test brought rave reviews! High vitamin D levels, perfect blood levels, normal cholesterol. Blood pressure is nice and low. Oh, how I praise You! I get to live!

So here is my prayer. Lord, hear my cry!

Lord? These medications I take to keep this shell of mine free from that which would kill me?

I don’t like them. I’m thankful for them, but I don’t like them.

They make my stomach clench closed.

But here is the deal. I will remain.

I remain in you. You hold me and have me. Your hand is open, holding, cradling, full of the whole world and me.

I will remain in you. I will open to your plan. I will obey & humble & search and find.

I will walk, even stumble forward and will not give in to despair.

I will seek, I will find. You are here as You always have been, and always will be.

I will open.

STOP.

………………..

As you can tell, I’m still struggling to find my center. I feel we are close to finding some answers to make the medications I take a bit more bearable emotionally. In a nutshell, the shot I talk about here and another medication that I take to sweep up every bit of estrogen and progesterone in my body seems to sweep up more than just hormone. It sweeps up my spark, too, and it has been the biggest of challenges.

We are searching and finding some answers, but it all takes time. In the meantime, I covet your prayers.

………………..

Can you relate? Has depression put a lid on you? Has anxiety got your stomach in knots?

There are answers. Search for them. Fight for health. Do what it takes. Do not be afraid to reach out. Find a counselor. Find a trusted psychiatrist. It is worth it, you are worth it.

Some simple things you can do for yourself at home that might help?

~take a detox bath

~meditate on the Truth of God’s Word

~tell a trusted friend

~take vitamins and supplements

~exercise…even if just a short walk

~take melatonin for sleep (ask your doc first)

~wake a bit early for quiet time, especially if it is the only quiet you get in a day

~never lose hope

Emotional Health/ Kids/Family/ Spiritual

On Fall, Life, Family Dinners, Homeschooling, Health, Husband & Winter

Sometimes I just want to reach across this computer divide and see your faces and touch your hands and say a genuine hello. To this day, I am in awe of the fact that thousands of you visit this little corner of the world-wide web and care to check in a see what I’m up to here at New Nostalgia.

I decided to take a break from the usual posts and just take a day to check in, say Hello, and open up my heart and life.

I sure wish we could have a two-way conversation, but since the closest thing we come to that is on Facebook or Twitter or your words in the comments, I will just blab today and fill you in a bit on life. I sure would love you to blab back in the comments or any of my social media channels. Please do!

Fall Weather Bliss

I live in the Midwest and the fall weather has me in awe everyday! The trees seem especially beautiful this year, the oranges, reds, pinky maroons, yellows and greens. It has been absolutely breathtaking. For me, the beauty of nature is a constant reminder of the Creator & how He just cares for the details and makes all things beautiful in time. Our weather has been amazing and I just can’t get over it! It places this unexplainable joy in my heart every time I’m out and about, and can make the hardest of days beautiful again. Why am I surprised that God’s ever-changing art can do that?

I Live In My Car

Speaking of “out and about” I –as I’m sure many of you– feel like I am in my car more often than not lately. Todd and I have always been very careful to keep balance when it comes to our kids extracurricular activities & involvement in anything away from home. That was much easier to do when they were younger. Our girls are now 15, 13 & 11 and their lives are full! Cross-country running, soccer, youth group, guitar lessons, tutoring & more.

It feels busier than I’d like it to be, but honestly it feels right for this season. I find myself so thankful for their gifts, talents, abilities and the amazing friends God has graciously given to my 3 lovelies. These are the blessings that keep them busy, and for that I am thankful.

A Recommitment To Family Dinners at The Table

Despite the busyness, I have recommitted to family dinners at the table. I find that we are able to eat at the table at least 3 times a week, and that is better than none! Even if there are only 3 of the 5 of us home (many times Todd and my youngest are off at soccer practice right at dinnertime) I still commit to calling them to the table to eat. For awhile we lost this simple but powerful routine. I have a daughter who has been walking through some hard emotional things included a Sensory Processing Disorder (which I will be posting about in the future) and there was a period of time where it was just too hard to even be at the table together. I am so thankful for direction from above in treating our sweet girl and that she is now capable of joining the family at the table in a healthy manner. If you find yourself in a crisis situation with one of your kids, let me encourage you that it will not last forever. Do your best, Momma’s, and fight for your kids. Provide as much support for them as you can, and when you cannot, pray your hearts out. God is there and hears our Momma- heart- prayers for our children.

{photo taken of my Colsie girl by Laurie Cosgrove}

Me? A Homeschool Mom?

This sweet daughter I speak of is now homeschooling. Sitting in a classroom caused much suffering for her before we found treatment for her, and it was a necessity to pull her out. I myself homeschooled during my high school years, and have always said God did not bless me with the abilities it would take to homeschool my children. I wrote it off as something I would never do. Friends, I recommend never saying never!

I do know myself well and after a couple of weeks of trying to do it myself, we recognized we needed more help for our girl. My amazing Mother-in-Law and Sister-in-Law have come to our rescue and committed to teaching my girl. They are both teachers – so honestly we couldn’t be more taken care of. We split her time up between the two 5 mornings a week, and I get her in the afternoons for other things like physical activity, photography class & reading time. It is working beautifully. I cannot tell you how relieved I am. I cannot tell you what a gift it is to have these two amazing women in my Colsie’s daily life. Not only am I not a natural teacher, but adding the dynamics of her disorder just made it feel impossible to school her myself. God is in the business of providing, and even calls himself by that very name –Provider. It has been a long and stressful process of finding the best life for my girl, but God has been there every step of the way. He is very much our faithful Provider.

My Physical Health

The last couple months have brought quite a bit of turmoil when it comes to my health. My cancer is still in remission, but the ongoing treatment I need has proven itself very challenging. 7 months ago I switched cancer meds and honestly it has rocked my world. Just recently I switched again due to unbearable joint pain I was having. These meds mess around with hormones, and if you are a woman you know hormones are never a fun thing to mess around with. Not only did I switch cancer meds, but also at the same time switched mood meds, as they also had side effects of joint pain. Friends, that month and 1/2 of detoxing from meds and slowly getting back on new ones were hard. Excruciatingly hard. Hard on my body, hard on my mental health, and especially hard on my family. I am on my way back up and doing so much better. Joint pain is almost nonexistent, which feels like a miracle! Before, I felt joint pain in joints I didn’t even know I had! My feet, ankles, hip & elbow and shoulders all hurt beyond and affected me much more that I even realized, especially on those rainy days when weather changes made them all double- flare. I am so relieved to be relieved of this pain.

My Mental Health

As far as my mental health, I am due for a post to fill you in, but we are still in the process of figuring out what is best for me right now. What I can tell you is that God Works All Things Out For Our Good, especially the very hardest of things. The last few months have been super humbling to say the least, and so painful that we had to bring my in-laws into the loop to help us get through it. Their gentleness and mercy toward me was the most beautiful picture of how God deals with us. They have seen me at my lowest & instead of running away, they moved towards me with a love that showed me they are for me and willing to walk through the hard. They have been a huge part of keeping our family healthy and whole. They have gently led me in a direction I needed to go and provided the means to get there.

It is still early in this process of discovery and healing when it comes to me…and I cannot wait to share with you how we are finding answers. Sometimes it takes a humbling, a bringing down to our knees, before we can clearly see the direction we need to go. This is what has happened with me recently & though it was painful, I am so THANKFUL. I am finding the best answers for what is needed and I am feeling pretty giddy excited about God’s revelation and provision–given through the help of my sweet in-laws AND with the help of the most gentle and wise psychiatrist. More to come on that in another post.

My Sweet Husband

Oh my sweet Todd. I sit here and tear up when I think of this good, good man and all that he has had to carry. He will be the first to admit he has not always reacted the best in dealing with all of the pain and turmoil in our family..especially that which comes from me. Being an extreme introvert he has a tendency to go inward when life is pressing hard… BUT.. he truly has carried these heavy burdens in a way that is admirable and faithful. He has been through much, has watched both his wife and daughter suffer in different but frightening ways, and his steady faithfulness to me and our family has been a healing gift to me. He has been burden- bearer. He has been provider. He is willing to walk through the hard, admit when he is messing up, and take my hand to try again. It might take him awhile to come out of his inwardness, but he always does. I am forever committed to this good, good man of mine, and I am super excited to be heading upward after being in the valley–hand in hand with my man–for he deserves a dang good view!

My Mentor

I read Titus 2:4,5 years ago. It talks about how the older women in the church should mentor the younger women. I have always loved that concept and idea. I have had a longing and stirring in my heart for a mentor in the form of an older-than-me and wiser-than-me woman for years. I have prayed for this for years. I have even asked a couple of women who I thought might be the perfect match for me, and nothing ever panned out…until recently. My mentors name is Kim and God is so funny how He brings about things. I will fill you in on the fun story in another post, but for now let me just tell you, God can make His purpose come about in strange ways–like elderberry hunting. Yep, forging for elderberries caused my forging for a mentor to be fulfilled.

Needless to say, my Kim has been so perfect for me. She, too, has 3 girls–all beautiful and grown. She has a husband whom she loves dearly, and has walked through much life and gained amazing wisdom in the process. She has taken me straight to God’s Word and I am seeing things in it that I never have before. We. Just. Click. She is one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given. We have only met together 4 times but our hearts are entwined and she has taught me so much already. I can’t help but squeal about it…WEEEEEEE!

If this is a desire of your heart, start asking God for it. He WILL answer in His time. It might be years down the road, but believe me, it will be the most perfect of time.

The Upcoming Winter Season

Usually when one thinks of winter, we think of cold & nature put to sleep. I choose to look toward the winter season ahead with an anticipating excitement. I know God will continue in His faithfulness to our family, and when I think of winter coming, I think of a cozy candlelit home, warm hoodie sweatshirts, and glistening snow. I will use the blanketed snow as a beautiful reminder of how God’s love covers the dead and dying, how seasons come and go, how God promises new mercies everyday, and how He has made and continues to makes us pure-whiter than snow! My prayer is that He would take this hurting, rag-tag- BUT stronger- than- ever family and carry on in His work of refining. It is a scary prayer, to ask to be refined, but I know that His only purpose is to make us ready for the next season, so that we might glisten like snow. A glistening to glorify Him. Only Him.

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Hello & A Health Update

It is October 1st, and I have been gearing up to participate in The Nesters write ’31 Days’ in October. Have you heard of it? Bloggers from all over the world choose one topic to write about for 31 days in the month of October. I have wanted to participate in it and thought I finally would get to this year. Last year I was gearing up for more surgery so I waited patiently for this year, and if you know me, you know patience is not always my best virtue.

I made myself a fun little graphic, outlined my 31 posts, and got pretty excited to share them with you all. The subject I choose was Anti-Procrastination. We were gonna GET THINGS DONE!

Life brought about a different plan for me this morning. I went to bed feeling fine for the most part. I had achy joints from storms that came yesterday but nothing I was not used to. I woke up in pain level 8-9. I was on my side and tried to turn over, and pain shot through my upper spine. It took me a long time to get up this morning and once I was up, any movement brought on shoots of pain.

My Oncologist, Dr. M, has always told me to expect pain from my meds, but it should be an all-over, diffused bone pain. She said if cancer ever came back in the bones, it would be in one specific spot, and would be very painful. I’ll give you one guess where my thoughts went when I woke up this morning.

Todd got my oldest and youngest girls to school. My Mother-In-Law came to pick up my middle girl who home school’s for a day of school-ing at her house, and my sister Julie came to be my driver & hang out for most of the day. My favorite physical therapist, Anya, was able to get me in right away which was a miracle–I was so thankful.

She worked on me for a while and brought some relief. She thinks it is facet joint pain & muscle spasms. She is pretty confident it is not cancer related, but advised me to call Dr. M if pain does not go away in a day or so. I left very relieved. It is funny how even just the thought of cancer can be painful. I know taking that thought away really helped, as did Anya’s skilled hands.

I’ve rested all afternoon. The pain is still at a pretty high level. I am hopeful it will let up, but in the meantime, I had to decide whether I would take part in the 31 Days writing challenge, and I’ve decided it is a no go.

{So sad to put an ‘x’ through that. Boo!}

In order to get things done around here, I need to be able to move. I have no idea how long I’m gonna be hurting, but moving is the LAST thing I want to right now. 31 Days is a high commitment challenge and I would not be able to rest. On top of that, life has gone through many changes around here lately, and honestly I wondered if it was wise to be committing to something for 31 days! I now have my answer. Waa.

I still plan on using the content I have written so far & all the anti-procrastination ideas and motivations that are still in my head. It just won’t be with the 31 Day Challenge community. This is really a bummer because it is such a fun community of people! Regardless, I will be enjoying what others come up with and even share with you my favorites.

Today I’m “Boo’n” & “Waa’n” but it won’t last. There is much too much to be thankful for!

———-

Until today, my physical health has been pretty much the same, except for some aching in my left arm due to very early stage lymphedema. I saw Anya a few days ago and she put me back in my lovely sleeve for the month and took some measurements. It has been feeling better, the aching is not as intense as it was the last couple of weeks. I tell people it feels like a “headache in my arm.” I’m thankful it is feeling better, that we caught it early & that it does not seem to be progressing.

———-

Once again, thanks for coming along with me and caring about these up’s & down’s.

PS–Have any of you ever had facet joint pain/syndrome/disease? I would love to know your experience and what has helped you deal with the pain.

Cancer Journey/ Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Spiritual

Coming Up For Air

I look back on the last post I wrote in this series, and boy…am I thankful that God does not let us know what is coming ahead. He just gives us one day at a time, and gives us what we need to get through it.

My pastor, Bryan Clark, ended a sermon a few weeks ago with the words “You choose to cultivate the relationship (with God.) You do that today because you never know—tomorrow may be the most difficult day of your life.” When I heard those words, they seemed amplified and spoken especially for me despite the large congregation. I thought “UH-OH. What is coming my way Lord?” How is that for optimism? My Pastor’s reminder caused me to lean in, cling to, and abide with God the last few weeks.

What has come my way is a variety of things that honestly has swept me off my feet, landing me hard on the bottom, made me feel like I was drowning & reminded me what it means to suffer. I am at a place now where I am coming up for air and boy, it is so refreshing & life-giving!

I don’t quite know where to start, and I will try not to get too detailed, but it started with a med change.

Like I told you in this post, I have been on an antidepressant for years. Wellbutrin was the med that changed my life years ago and allowed me to be the real me. 4 years ago I had to go off that med because it clashed with the cancer medication called Tamoxifen, which I needed to start on right away. They switched me to Effexor, and honestly it was even better for me than Wellbutrin. I was very thankful.

The last 7 months I switched from the cancer med, Tamoxifen, which was making me sleep my life away among other not-so-fun side effects, and started on what is called an aromatase inhibitor. There are only a few options of medication for treating my hormone type cancer. In order to go on an aromatase inhibitor, we would need to completely shut my ovaries down and put me into menopause. I am not ready to permanently remove my ovaries, so we decided to shut them down chemically. I have been doing this the last 7 months with Lupron injections, (talked about here) & started taking the aromatase inhibitor, Arimedex.

Honestly, it has been a rough 7 months. Especially physically. The side effects of this medication are numerous, the ones that affect me the most are joint pain, stiffness, extreme & consistent hot flashes, & quite a few that are personal and I will spare you from. I was having these symptoms already even on Tamoxifen, but this new hormone suppressor medication + injections just amplified all of it.

Here is the deal. The antidepressant that they switched me to 4 years ago also have side effects very similar to my cancer meds, especially the more personal side effects. Doc decided now that I’m off Tamoxifen (cancer med) that I could go back on the Wellbutrin (mood med I was on 4 years ago). So we started the process of weaning off Effexor.

Still with me?

I had no idea that Effexor is one of the very hardest drugs to detox from. Well, I had read that it was a rough one, and the nurse told me we needed to go slow, but man, I did not know what I was in for.

It was a 3 week process, and it got worse and worse as we weaned down the dose. There was a period of 3-4 days when I finally went from a low dose to nothing, that I would describe as pure mental and physical suffering. I have been through a lot, and I am tough, but that about did me in. There was one evening where I had decided that if things were no better in the morning that I would need to admit myself for monitoring and medical help while de-toxing, at least a few days, until the process was over. I couldn’t fathom putting my kids through that or my Todd, but having me there was no better…at all.

How to describe those days? I knew I was not myself. I knew it could not be helped. I knew I had to just get through it.

Physically, the symptoms really scared me. There is no explaining it really. There was a feeling in my head of ‘zapping’ that happened all throughout the day for at least a week. When I would move my eyes even a bit from one side to the other I would ‘hear’ ….actually feel, a whooshing. I told you– it is hard to explain! It sounds crazy even typing it. It scared me. It happened all throughout the day. I was incredibly foggy. I could not read a book. I would read one sentence 4 times and still not comprehend it. There was constant pressure in my head. Light hurt. I had nausea and felt like I had the flu. I had even more intense hot flashes than normal but then would get super cold and shiver. It took me back to my chemo days, those days that the chemo just knocked me down and took over my body. I hated every minute of it.

In the middle of that, I was due for my every 3 month anti-hormone injection. Here is the thing with those. The week before I have it, I have breakthrough symptoms where it feels like PMS. Full blown. Then I get the injection, and the symptoms get worse for 2 days then get better. I have to stay on course to the day, every three months. I was very scared to get it in the middle of what already was happening with me. I had reason to be, and when I talk about being admitted above it was 2 days after my injection. The de-toxing plus this ‘jarring -to-my-system’ shot was just too much.

This was just the physical. Then there was the mental.

I couldn’t handle anything. I was a mess. I couldn’t handle the least bit of stress, I was unreasonable in my thinking, I cried easily…a mess. I wish I could say I rallied and shut myself down and away from my family so they would not have to deal with me…but life did not allow that. I tried to hide it from my girls as much as possible, but the new school year had started, life was moving fast and bringing big changes for our family. I did my best to keep up.

~My sweet Freshman girl now needed rides to school and all her extra curricular activities. I was used to her walking to school. She now attends a school across town, and I found myself driving there 2 – 3 times a day.

~My Todd entered into the busiest season of his job, and was very overwhelmed with life already. He was teaching and training a large number of volunteers for those 2 weeks. This not only kept him at work from early morning to 6:30/7:00 at night, but he needed me to bring one of our daughters to him to be the ‘student’ as he taught volunteers what they needed to do. More driving for me.

~This also meant he was not around in the evening to help get our youngest to soccer practice as he usually is, which meant more driving for me.

I honestly don’t mind driving my kids around, and actually love it now that I’ve come up for air, but while I was struggling there were days where I really don’t think I should have been driving.

I was utterly physically and emotionally spent.

The biggest life change that came about just as I was coming up for air but still not myself, was the decision to homeschool our Colsie. I’ve always said I don’t have the patience or the skill set needed to homeschool my children, and said I never would. I’m learning to never say never! It is what our sweet girl desperetly needed, and I have seen so very clearly that God is in this decision. She is thriving so far as a homeschooler and God has given us every resource and help we could possibly need to make this successful for the both of us. Time with her has been precious, and I find myself on days like today when I am away to work, missing her. She is with her Grandma – someone who she loves to be with, who is a teacher and is taking a couple of days a week to help out with schooling. Huge blessing! We are finally getting on a good routine and finding we both thrive on the forced routine that her homeschooling has brought.

Yes. I am breathing easier.

I share all this hoping someone will benefit from my experience or let someone who is in the midst of switching medication or de-toxing from medication know that they are not alone, and they will get through it.

You might wonder why would someone take a medication that would be so incredibly hard to detox from and cause such scary symptoms. My answer is because for me, the medication works and is needed. You all know I am all for nutrition, a balanced lifestyle, and finding strength in God. Yes, these things are so very necessary too, but please hear me when I say all of those things would be so out of reach for me if not for medication. I would not be able to focus on the thought process that a nutritious and balanced life demands. As for God? He would be and always has been there for me, but my ability to reach out to Him, think on His truth, read and focus on His words, and accept who I am in Him would not be what it is today if not for medication.

Again, I write this for anyone out there that feels alone. Someone who thinks they should be able to solve their mental health problems in various ways, but can’t seem to do it no matter how much they want to. I’ve been there.

Just as you can’t think positively enough, eat nutritious enough, and pray enough to mend a broken leg…so it is with a broken brain. My life journey is one where I begged God for wisdom and direction in healing my brain, and medication is the main avenue that He led me to.

There are other ways that are as important. I am having a great time exploring how nutrition is connected to brain health, and I recently have started meeting with a most beautiful and wise woman who has agreed to mentor me and disciple me.

I’m SUPER excited about the coming months & all that God is leading me towards. How sweet He is to continue to grow me, guide me, and be so very close to me. He is continuing to show me what #LivingNew looks like, even in the midst of the hard, even in the moments where I find I can barely breathe. He is life. He is air. He restores & redeems. He makes new.

Lamentations 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

———

What about you? Can you relate to any of this?

Have you ever had to detox from a medication? What was your experience?

——-

cancer journey

A Health Update & The Best Girlfriends

Trust

I Will Trust In You

A Health Update

Prayer Requests If I May:

Staying Open When You Want To Grip Closed

Participating in 5 Minute Fridays. 5 minutes to write about one word. Unedited.

This week’s word: OPEN.

On Fall, Life, Family Dinners, Homeschooling, Health, Husband & Winter

Fall Weather Bliss

I Live In My Car

A Recommitment To Family Dinners at The Table

Me? A Homeschool Mom?

My Physical Health

My Mental Health

My Sweet Husband

My Mentor

The Upcoming Winter Season

Hello & A Health Update

Coming Up For Air