No, the pathology report was not what I wanted to hear. At all. My hopes were up that we were at the end of this cancer journey, but I am adjusting to the knowledge that there may be much more fighting to do. I cried. I vented to those around me. I felt a deep, deep sadness for my girls who may be seeing their mom weak and sick by more chemo.
I cried out to God “REALLY? Is this REALLY the road we are going to continue down? But Lord, I don’t want to. I want my hair back. I want to feel like a woman again. I want strong arms and healed wounds so I can hug my girls again. REALLY, Lord?
In all of this journey I have never lost His voice. That is how very kind He has been to me.
“I AM WITH YOU”
“I AM HERE”
I woke up yesterday with such a peace and a HAPPY JOY. Yes, it was weird. I loved it.
I know it is all the prayers going up to heaven that has kept my head lifted and ears hearing.
Thank you.
Today I would not say I am happy. I woke up in pain and I am weary emotionally. But, I am not feeling lost and upset, and for that I am grateful.
God has constantly used song to encourage me and speak to me. I have so many to share!
The song that I posted almost a year ago here, is the one that has been playing the loudest in my brain the last couple days. It is called “You’re Not Alone” by Meredith Andrews.
The chorus:
“you’re not alone,
for I am here,
let me wipe away your every tear.
My love, I’ve never left your side,
I have seen you through the darkest night,
and I’m the one who has loved you all your life.”
The song below is my song for today. I love it, especially right at 2:18 where it goes into who He is. So soothing for my soul.
The song below is my song for today. I love it, especially right at 2:18 where it goes into who He is. So soothing for my soul.
Lift Up Your Head
Let us all as one draw near
To the One who meets us here
Let us all fall down
Before the God who welcomes us in
Lift up your head
And throw off every chain
Lift up your eyes
To the One who doesn’t change
Lift up your hands
The broken He will mend
So lift up your head
Let us all fix our gaze
On the Author of our faith
From all else we turn away
For the joy that conquers shame
Lift up your head
And throw off every chain
Lift up your eyes
To the One who doesn’t change
Lift up your hands
The broken He will mend
So lift up your head
He is Lover
He is Redeemer
He is Father
He is Friend
He is our shelter
HE IS OUR HEALER
He is the lifter of our head
Lift up your head
And throw off every chain
Lift up your eyes
To the One who doesn’t change
Lift up your hands
The broken He will mend
So lift up your head
To the One who meets us here
Let us all fall down
Before the God who welcomes us in
Lift up your head
And throw off every chain
Lift up your eyes
To the One who doesn’t change
Lift up your hands
The broken He will mend
So lift up your head
Let us all fix our gaze
On the Author of our faith
From all else we turn away
For the joy that conquers shame
Lift up your head
And throw off every chain
Lift up your eyes
To the One who doesn’t change
Lift up your hands
The broken He will mend
So lift up your head
He is Lover
He is Redeemer
He is Father
He is Friend
He is our shelter
HE IS OUR HEALER
He is the lifter of our head
Lift up your head
And throw off every chain
Lift up your eyes
To the One who doesn’t change
Lift up your hands
The broken He will mend
So lift up your head
Today my mom and sister are coming to help me pack up my Christmas decorations.
I am sore today at my drain sites, I got them removed yesterday. I have also had much numbness and tingling in my left arm (same arm they removed lymph nodes) especially when I type! 🙁
I have an intense burning in the left side of my chest, it gets worse at night. It is all nerve related, I am praying it is temporary.
Thank you so much for all your love and prayers. I know I say that a lot but I really don’t know what I would do with out your support and prayers. They make a huge difference, I am grateful.
New Nostalgia – Music Speaks When I Can’t Find Words + My Favorite Christmas Music CD
July 3, 2014 at 12:46 pm[…] call was not what we wanted to hear. She watched me break down and mourn that I might be facing even more chemo. She was just there. Love […]
sweet european dreams
January 8, 2011 at 6:35 amIt’s so good to see you posting here. I’ve been reading all the entries on CaringBridge and sooooo praying for you. Blessings! -diane
Cathy M~(checkitoff)
January 7, 2011 at 4:33 pmAmy, this is a tough journey. We are all here with you lifting you up in prayer daily. Feel the weight lifted & please know that we will not cease to pray for you. hugs, Cathy (what a beautiful song, thank you for pouring your heart out to us!)
caromann
January 7, 2011 at 4:49 amPsalm 34:18. Hang on, girl! Got your back.
Bonnie
January 7, 2011 at 1:10 amI am sending tons of prayers your way for you and your family. Please stay positive and know you can fight this!
Anonymous
January 7, 2011 at 6:16 amAmy,
I’ve been quietly reading your blog for some time now, and this is my first time to comment. I have been praying for you and will continue to pray for you. You have inspired me so much with your faith and your courage. I was so heartbroken when I read about your test results because I knew how disappointed you must have felt, but I know you are so strong, and more people than you know are storming heaven with prayers for you. You are one amazing woman. God bless you.
Angie in Oregon
Erin
January 6, 2011 at 11:59 pmYour faith is amazing. I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you and your family. May He keep you safe and help you through your fight.
Nancy
January 7, 2011 at 2:53 amOur family continues to keep you in our prayers. I too have experienced the same joy you woke up with yesterday. As you know, that is all God and he is healing you and answering your prayers. He has heard us all as we pray for you. When I experienced the feeling of joy and peace myself, I just knew my prayers were answered and they were.
Blessings,
Rebecca
January 6, 2011 at 8:33 pmI have been thinking about you all week. So sorry that you are still having to fight. I am glad that you have been able to recognize God in your life…so many people don’t have that to hold onto!
Another song that I absolutely LOVE is I AM by Nicole Nordeman. That one brings me so much comfort!
meeks
January 7, 2011 at 12:18 amHere’s a virtual **hug** coming your way, you amazing lady you
stefanie
January 6, 2011 at 5:40 pmI am so sorry!!! I was hoping the new year would come with great news…but God loves you and you are so strong…I know only good things to come!
elaine @ peace for the journey
January 6, 2011 at 4:54 pmAmy…
My heart has been especially burdened for you over the past 2 days; prayers abound! I had my mastectomy prior to chemo, so I understand the pain your are feeling. It does get better with time, and I’m glad they removed the drains.
I don’t know what’s ahead for either of us; it can be scary and all-consuming at times. How grateful I am that I know the One who knows my “ahead.” Today, I rest in today and try not to think to much further. I’ll continue in my prayers for you as you walk this road. You are a good sister with which to share my journey.
peace~elaine
Lelia Chealey
January 6, 2011 at 4:53 pmI love that you share with us how you questioned God. And what I know of Him, He loved it too. Shows there is true relationship there. If I only praised Gene but never conversed with my husband we’d have a relationship of meaningless worth. God wants your questions, your fears, your anger. Keep asking Him. Keep seeking Him Amy. And when you’re too tired or teary or mad to say anything just sigh because the Lord Almighty embraces that too.
Psalm 38:9 O Lord, all my longing is before you; my sighing is not hidden from you.
I’m praying for you, about you, with you. And I am SO thankful we have met and become friends. Your life blesses.
I love you,
Lelia
Thomas Family
January 6, 2011 at 4:44 pmi am a person who likes to fix things (like most people i know really) so “only praying” sometimes just seems so little. i want to do more… FIX more. praying for you through these times has been a REAL reminder to me that prayer IS the fix. God the Father through His Holy Spirit works through prayer and i often forget just how powerful that is. no matter how many times God reminds me, i’m human and i still want to hands on FIX IT! i’m continuing to pray for you girl!!! so so so glad GOD HEARS!!!
kati
January 6, 2011 at 4:23 pmI will continue to pray for you and your family throughout this journey!!! My heart breaks for you, and everytime I read your posts I just want to hug you. My daily prayers go to heaven just for you and they will for as long as you need them!
Love. Kati
Anestazia
January 6, 2011 at 10:13 pmHello there!! You’ve been awarded with the Very Stylish Blogger award! http://yourworkistodiscoveryourworld.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-won-award.html Visit the link to find out how to accept your award!
Anestazia <3
Jenni R.
January 6, 2011 at 9:55 pmSo glad to hear how you are fairing and will continue to pray!!!
Cara
January 6, 2011 at 7:37 pmPrayed for you at church last night, and also praying daily…..
Cara
karen gerstenberger
January 6, 2011 at 7:07 pmSending prayers that all you need will continue to be provided in each moment by His faithful love. God bless you and each member of your family and medical team!
Anonymous
January 6, 2011 at 7:05 pmThe Acosta’s continue to pray for you and Love You, Todd, and your girls!
Anonymous
January 6, 2011 at 5:17 pmAmy, You are such an encouragement to so many people. I know it’s not the road you would have chosen to take and you may have never dreamt to be used by God in such this way but God has chosen YOU. You are special!
Thank you for keeping us all updated on your journey.
Get some rest while your girls are at school and rest assured MANY prayers are being said for you and your family,
I love you, Kelley
Kelsey
January 6, 2011 at 5:08 pmYou are in my prayers. I can’t imagine what you are going through but I know that God has a purpose and like you said, you are very much NOT alone. He is there. Have you listened to anything by Tenth Avenue North? When I was going through some hard times this past year their song “hold my heart” (and pretty much that entire CD) really helped me a lot. You are loved and prayed for.
Kelsey
Laurie
January 6, 2011 at 4:50 pmWe are grateful for YOU! Thanks for updating us and please continue to do so. Prayers, love and hugs being sent your way!!!
colorchic
January 6, 2011 at 4:45 pmThinking of you this morning before I make my way to work. A ray of sunshine just broke through the clouds… I have to believe it’s God saying he loves you and will help you through this! Be strong… Continue the fight!
Praying that you have a good day!