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Two Books To Strengthen My Marriage 2012-Part 5 – Purposeful Living

Purposeful living Priority #4



These posts written by Todd (Amy’s husband) are designed to model a system of purposeful living.  At least once a month, he spends time setting meaningful goals around one of seventeen core priorities.

If you missed it, consider reading the foundation post – Purposeful Living #1.



Correct Priority
Priority #4 – Social Health – Immediate Family–Spouse (Social & Emotional Health)

Goal Setting & Reflection Date
February 2012

Goal
Invest in the social and emotional health of my wife and strengthen my marriage by reading and discussing two books with Amy in 2012.  The first book must be a mutually agreed upon marriage book.  The second book may be any book of Amy’s choice.  Specific goals include:

  • Mutually choose a marriage book.
  • Amy chooses a book of her choice.
  • Decide how often to read and discuss each book.
  • Develop a plan to ensure relevant discussion and dialogue.  


Goal Status
Completed

Thoughts
It took the entire year, but Amy & finished reading and discussing The Five Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.  This is a book I needed to read.  Below is a summary of what I learned.  


The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman


Most interesting is the idea that each love language has various dialects that differ from person to person.  It is not enough for me to know that Amy’s primary love language is Words of Affirmation.  I also need to know what specific words are most meaningful to her.  I need to understand her dialect.   

Through discussion I learned very specifically how I can best affirm and encourage Amy.  She doesn’t need me to notice and affirm her in every area of her life.  But she does appreciate it when I notice and affirm her in the areas she values most.  

I also learned that there are different kinds of affirmation.  This love language includes verbal compliments, encouraging words, kind words, and humble words. 


Words of affirmation do not have to be elaborate or complicated

{Words Of Affirmation Do Not Have To Be Elaborate or Complicated}


I especially resonated with the idea of kind words.  This has to do with the manner in which we speak.  There are times in a marriage when it is appropriate to communicate hurt, pain, or even anger.  But even these items should be communicated in a kind manner as an expression of love.  


I desire to make kindness a principle not only in my own life, but to see it become a part of our family culture.  An attitude of kindness should permeate all of our communication.

In addition to Words of Affirmation, I also asked Amy to explain her “dialect” in the other four love languages as well.  I now have a long list of very specific ways in which I can demonstrate love for her in a way that is meaningful to her.  

I have set some specific goals to improve in all of the five love languages over the coming year, specifically in the area of affirmation.  The end of each chapter in the book lists great ideas and I chose some of these to implement.  

But I won’t embarrass Amy by sharing specifics.  Suffice it to know that this is a priority for me in 2013.  

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Thoughts – ORIGINAL
The marriage book we will be reading is The Five Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.  My plan was to allow Amy to select the book, but instead I decided this is the book we needed to read.  Rather, it is the book I need to read.  I know Amy’s primary love language (Words Of Affirmation), but I still stink at it.  I am hoping that reading the book will allow me additional insight regarding how to do a better job of showing love in a way that is not natural for me.  

Thoughts – ORIGINAL
The first couple years of our marriage Amy & I read a marriage book together as a New Year’s Resolution.  By year three we discontinued this tradition and I’m not sure we have read a book together since.  It is easy to get lazy in marriage (especially for men).   

During some reflection and goal setting focused on my wife I decided it was time to bring this tradition back.  

Strong marriages don’t just happen by accident.  They need to be nurtured through commitment and sacrifice.  

Reading a marriage book together is an opportunity to prioritize our marriage.  It will allow us to focus on what is important to keep our marriage strong.

Reading a second book of Amy’s choice is an opportunity to enter Amy’s world.  It is an opportunity to learn what is important to her and show her I care about the details of her life.

Reading a marriage book with Amy won’t by itself lead to a perfect marriage.  Reading a book of Amy’s choice won’t by itself patch over all the times I failed to take interest in her day.  But they are steps in the right direction.  And lots of little steps will eventually get us where we want to go.  

In future posts I will share the books we chose and some things I learned from each selection.  It might be a few weeks before this goal is completely finished, but I am committed to getting this done this year.    


Foundation Post
Build Your To-Do List Around Correct Priorities – Purposeful Living #1

Outline Of All Purposeful Living Posts
Purposeful Living Outline

Links To Additional Posts In This Series
Two Books To Strengthen My Marriage 2012-Part 1
Two Books To Strengthen My Marriage 2012-Part 2
Two Books To Strengthen My Marriage 2012-Part 3
Two Books To Strengthen My Marriage 2012-Part 4

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FAMILY/ Marriage

Planning a 2013 Cruise – Purposeful Living Series

Planning a cruise

Planning A 2013 Cruise – Purposeful Living


These posts written by Todd (Amy’s husband) are designed to model a system of purposeful living.  At least once a month, he spends time setting meaningful goals around one of seventeen core priorities.

If you missed it, consider reading the foundation post – Purposeful Living #1.

Todd and Amy Bowman


Correct Priority
Priority #4 – Social Health – Immediate Family-Spouse

Goal Setting & Reflection Date
November 2012

Goal
Plan a 2013 cruise vacation for Amy & myself. 

Goal Status
Completed

Thoughts – UPDATED
After setting this goal I spent a few hours educating myself about cruises.  I identified four specific 5-Day Western Caribbean dates that are vacation possibilities for Amy & I in 2013.  If we are frugal the two of us could go on any of these cruises for about $1000.  This total would include travel costs associated with getting to the boat and returning home.  It would also include activities and purchases on the boat.  I think that is a pretty good deal.  

Website – www.cruises.com
Port – Galveston, Texas or New Orleans, Louisiana   
Itinerary – 5 Night Western Caribbean Cruise
Dates – Secret 😉

I like the Texas and Louisiana ports because we could drive to either of these locations in one day.  Being able to drive and avoid lodging would save a lot of money.  

I would prefer not to do a Western Caribbean cruise, but these are the least expensive cruises and make the most sense.  

As of today we cannot afford this vacation.  Our first vacation priority in 2013 is to pay off Disney debt.  But if our financial situation changes and we can save enough pennies I know exactly where we want to go and am ready to pull the trigger.   

cruise ship


Thoughts – ORIGINAL
I had the most amazing time on our family trip to Disney this year.  So much so, that I am ready to begin planning another vacation.  A big family vacation is out of the question as I will be paying off Disney for at least another year.  But a cruise for Amy & I may be doable.  Amy has been talking about wanting to do another cruise since our honeymoon and it would be a ton of fun.  And I am hoping it can also be affordable.  A very preliminary look at cruise prices suggests to me that we could do a 5-day cruise for a reasonable price.  We still may not be able to afford it, but it is worth looking into.  


Foundation Post

Outline Of All Purposeful Living Posts
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FAMILY/ Kids/Family/ Leaving A Legacy/ Love/ Parenting/ Spiritual

Leaving A Legacy-A Post For My 3 Girls

leaving a legacy
As a 2-time cancer survivor, I look at life with tangible knowledge that life could end at any given moment.  None of us know how long we have here on this earth.  This legacy series to my 3 girls…my lovelies… is my way of attempting to leave a legacy for them.  To speak of what is most important for them to know from me, their forever Mom.
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It’s funny, my girls.  I’ve wanted to write this series for awhile, but where to start?  There are so many important things I want to tell you, and frankly I fail at this so often.  I try to tell you verbally, and I know, especially now that you are older, that it often turns into a lecture.
So, I’ve decided to start with a journal entry I found, dating back to the year 2008.  I remember writing it.  I was at the Lied Lodge in Nebraska City, having a day set apart for just me and God.  I remember a feeling a strong sense of unease, like something big was coming up and I needed to prepare both myself and my family for it.  I didn’t know what that meant, but I had this pressing desire to express to you words that I would want to say if I ever was not around to say them.
This was 2 years before my cancer diagnosis.  You were only age 9, 8 & 5.  Precious wee ones.  I’ve decided to share this with you as the first post of this series because I thought it was fitting to start with truth, and an apology.
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Mother's day picture
{Mother’s Day 2011}
 
Journal Entry March 18, 2009
For My Girls:
 
You are God’s precious treasure.  
So very precious.
 
He also has treasure for you!  
Receive the treasure He offers you.  
The treasure of Jesus.
 
Nothing compares to Him!  He will never leave you or forsake you.  You will never be alone.  He holds you in His hands.  I entrust you to him, you are His, not mine.
 
Forgive me, my girls.  I know I am not patient. At times my words can be harsh and my temper gets the best of me too often.  God is working on me, and I promise to continue to grow in Him.  He is creating a work in me.  I pray He protects you from my shortcomings and my growth process.  Oh, how I long to be a Mom who is already complete in my wisdom.  But, until Heaven, when we will all be perfected and will all act perfectly, I will keep running forward and doing my best for Him in this crazy race of life.  What a blessing to get to run this race with your Dad as my husband (he is SO wonderful) and as you 3 as my girls.  You bring me so much JOY! God is only getting started with you, this is only just the beginning!  He has so much for you.  His way truly is the only way.  
 
Follow Him.  Keep His commands.  Accept His forgiveness.  
 
Have patience while He completes his work in you and don’t give into Satan’s lies.  He will tell you that you are not good enough.  He is a liar, a deceiver.  Fill you mind with God’s truth about you so you can discern when Satan is trying to trick. He is sneaky. Watch for his craftiness BUT BY NO MEANS BE FEARFUL of him. 
 
Our God is so powerful and so much bigger.  Get to know God’s promises and cling to them, to Him, for He is truly awesome.
 
I Love You More-n, 
Mom
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Books/ FAMILY/ Love/ Spiritual

Supplementing Bible Study With Great Books – Purposeful Living

Supplementing Bible Reading with Great Books

 
These posts written by Todd (Amy’s husband) are designed to model a system of purposeful living.  At least once a month, he spends time setting meaningful goals around one of seventeen core priorities.

If you missed it, consider reading the foundation post – Purposeful Living #1.

 

Correct Priority
Priority #1 – Spiritual HealthGoal Setting & Reflection Date
November 2012

Goal
I need to always be reading one life giving book focused on growing in my relationship with God.  Specifically, I need to develop a process for identifying great books to read.  

Goal Status
Completed

Thoughts – UPDATED
I spent a couple weeks after setting this goal looking through my library of books at home, doing some internet searches, and getting book suggestions from others.  

Nothing peaked my interest until I came across a book I read years ago in college – The Pursuit Of Godby A.W. Tozer.  Apart from the Bible this is the most influential book I have ever read.  


the-pursuit-of-god

I was excited because he has written many books of the exact type I am looking for.  I want to grow in my relationship with God.  There are few people write about this topic more passionately and profoundly than Tozer.

After browsing through all of his books I selected Man: The Dwelling Place of God by A. W. Tozer as the next book I will read to supplement my Bible reading.  As an added bonus the Kindle version of this book was only $.99 on Amazon. 


Tozer_Book
 

The first paragraph of the Introduction to this book is fantastic and I want to share it with you below.

The supreme interest in the life of A. W. Tozer was God:  He who spoke and brought the world into being, Who justly rules over men and nations, yet deigns to make man His dwelling place.  He believed that all that really matters is for man to be in right relationship with God, that his first duty-and privilege-is “to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.”  For this reason he delighted to speak to men of God’s majesty and wonder and grace and he ever sought to instruct and exhort Christians to let this be the purpose of their lives.  He grieved that they should be content with less.

Thoughts – ORIGINAL
I’ve been reading through the entire Bible over the last couple of years which has been a great use of my time.  But I also want to supplement that reading with literature focused on nurturing my personal relationship with Him.  
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Foundation Post
Build Your To-Do List Around Correct Priorities – Purposeful Living #1

Outline Of All Purposeful Living Posts
Purposeful Living Outline

 
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Love/ Spiritual

Prayers Of Peace For Sandy Hook Elementary

Sandy Hook
Tears are words the heart can't say
I can’t seem to find my words, so today I stay quiet, and share these beautiful words of Max Lucado’s:
Dear Jesus,

It’s a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.

These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated. 


The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push away from annihilation?

Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod’s jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.

Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.

Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won’t you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.

This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,
Your Children

(written by Max Lucado in response to the shootings)

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FAMILY/ Kids/Family/ Love/ Parenting/ Spiritual

Parenting Pre-Teens

{Momastery.com}
“Don’t let yourself become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget you already have one.”
BAM!  
When I saw this graphic on PInterest it hit me right in the head and heart.  Hard.
My girls are now 13, 11 and 9.  They are great girls.
But, we have definitely hit middle school years with my two oldest and as I watch them try to maneuver in the muck of what middle school years can bring, I have felt fear creep in.  
Amy + fear = not a good thing.  
It creeps in on me, one thought will enter.  Another the next day. Before I know it my stomach is in a ball of worries and I feel the world is on my shoulders and it is up to me to save the world.  
What am I afraid of?  Who do I think I am that I can save the world?
It seems to come down to this.  I don’t want my kids to struggle.  I don’t want them to learn life lessons the hard way.  I don’t want them to make bad decisions in these years that will take a lot of years to work through & heal from.  I don’t want them to walk the path I did, a path that started in middle school.
Fear. Fear. Fear.
It is interesting. 
When they were little, their struggles and misbehavior brought out something else in me.  
Pride.  
It is really easy for a fit throwing 3 year old to make Mommy look and feel like a total loser parent.  I cared about how their behavior made ME look.
God and I worked through that one, and honestly, I kinda miss that being the issue, for I’d rather be in pain and have to work through it then see my girls experience pain and them have to work through it.  Bring back the 3 year old fits!
I’d take those any day over watching my girls sort out who they are and seeing them struggle with what we all, especially as females, can struggle with– identity.
Identity is huge in middle school.  What defines me?  My friends? My clothes? The phone in my hand?  The brand of my boots?  The way my hair is curled that day?  

The world and their peers scream YES, these things matter and define you.  You and your peeps need to look and act a certain way for you to be accepted and loved.  This leaves the question constantly on their middle school brains “Am I ok?”  “Do I fit?”

I feel like my words are whispers they cannot hear over their peers screams right now, and honestly that is my fault.

My fear causes my reactions to be in the moment and they take on a lecturing tone. 

Mom lecturing =  blank stares, eyes rolling & a mind and heart that is tuned out. My whispers fall on deaf ears, although my lectures are far from whispers.
Why do I fall into this–the lecture? 

Back to the yuck–I’ve seen one of my girls think that if the other sister dresses and looks what they would define as “dorky” that it somehow defines her or in some way reflects on her and makes her look bad.  What?  Oh that is yucky…so yucky that when I realized that this was an issue last week it was my turn to stare blankly with my mouth hanging open, silenced–but only for a minute before my lecture started.  
But, can’t I relate to that?  I used to let my 3 year olds fits define me as a mom, and I was a grown woman.
I should not have been surprised when the next day, as I was wearing an over sized Nebraska tshirt with jeans and we were expecting family company, my daughter was horrified that I was actually going to wear it. Now there are even opinions on what I wear?  Oh Lord have mercy!  I did look silly and it WAS a shirt I usually wear with pajama pants, but REALLY?  Do you really feel less because your Mom looks a little dweeby?  Does this really effect how you see yourself and feel about yourself?
Why am I so surprised when they struggle?  
My heart felt heavy a few days ago with all these issues on my brain.  I had lunch with a super great girlfriend, whose gentle encouragement pointed out all the wonderful things she sees in my girls.  She put the graphic above into her own words, which I think is why it hit so hard when I saw it today on Pinterest. God has to do that with me you know…work in themes.  Say things in more ways than one. Hit me over the head a few times, lovingly of course.  I love it when He does this, for He knows what is going to work on my heart.
The same day my Mother-In-Law had to drop something off for me, and the timing was perfect, as I was still sorting through my thoughts and emotions when it comes to this parenting thing and they came blurting out the minute she sat down. 
She gave me such practical advice.  She helped me figure out how to stop the lecture and just simply talk to my girls.  She gave me example questions to ask them, to stir their own thinking and their own little hearts.  I felt hopeful right away, stomach unknotting and weight off my shoulders.  
It is working.  I am seeing that my lecturing can be very shaming and guilt producing, and that is so not what I want to do.  Instead, I want to ask them about their hearts, to guide them into thinking about who they really are and who they want to be.  To remind them that God thinks the world of them and loves them fully, and that there is nothing they can or can’t do to make Him love them more or less.  These are the things that bring on true identity. 
I don’t have it all figured out yet, and I definitely want to get my thoughts together more when it comes to revealing to my girls all the amazing things their Creator thinks about them.  Identity is my key word that I will focus on, and I will teach them who God says they are.
I will also choose to look at the good in them.  There is so, so very much.  When I chose to see all the gifts in them, it calms fear and puts it in its place.  It reminds me Who has the them.  It takes the world off my shoulders and puts it where it actually is and where it belongs; in His hands.

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