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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

A Health Update & A Confession

Lately, I have lost my grasp of center.  So much of it has to do with how I am spending my time and what I am ingesting– and I’m not speaking food here.  No recipes in this post!

 Does this make sense?

The mind is powerful, and what we choose to think on, listen to, and read has way more impact on us than what we might think.  I’ve become a bit sloppy when it comes to what I was allowing into my thoughts, mind etc. Maybe lazy is the word?  Don’t get me wrong..a bit of mindless t.v. is a-ok by me, but when what I am reading, music I am listening to, and things that I am watching all have the same negative message, it does eventually affect me!  I find my thoughts gradually become more cynical, I react to life instead of respond, and my sense of center, of peace, slowly dissipates.

Intention.

Living an intentional life is what I so desire.  In order to do this, I need to be grounded in truth, which means ingesting truth on a regular basis.  This doesn’t just mean ingesting the Word, but also His Words through other people, through music and through reading. It means seeking out what I want my brain to be filled with.

When I am not living life with intention, I feel weak and vulnerable.  Storms of life come and I’m blown over pretty easily.  That happened this last week.  We are in the process of again, checking a lump that we have been watching.  I had a scan that lit up a bit, but is borderline.  I meet with my Oncologist on Thursday to discuss the “now what.”  It may be another biopsy or more scans or both.




I sure wish I could say that I respond well to these situations. You would think by now I would. This time I think my body just shut down and I took a 7 hour nap the day after the scan.  It is amazing how emotions can affect the physical body, which makes being grounded and centered, at peace, even more important.

Confession time:
Another thing that has taken my peace is pride.  God through husband revealed a couple areas that I need to be more intentional in.  They have to do with money, and I immediately go into excuse mode for my actions.  I am a very frugal person if compared to the average Joe, and I just want to hide behind that instead of admit I could have been more intentional with my spending this month.  I also want to blame food prices and cost of holidays.  I want to blame anything but me, but if I am truly honest with myself, I can do better and need to.  This revelation came in the middle of all the other static my health has created.  Not great timing, kinda ticks me off really, but I think I am ready to open my hands and be responsible for what is mine.  Closed fists creates blame and denial.  Pity parties inhibit growth.

I’m starting to unclench

which means I am almost done with my pity party 😉 and I feel His Spirit working within to change my thought patterns.  Nuggets of truth here and there.  Gifts dropped in my lap from friends.  A surprise visit from my Mom.  An exciting opportunity to travel, speak and share my story come the New Year.  These are all whispers, (some shouts) from God to me, some tangible, others not, but they all remind me that:

~He will never leave me or forsake me
~He knows the plans He has for me
~He has shown up in the past, within my pain
~He weaves stories, turning ashes into beauty
~He always forgives
~He meets my confession with compassion
~I can do anything through Him who gives me strength
~His promises extend to my children, and He cares for them more than I can imagine
~He is good, ALL the time.  All the time, He is good.
~He makes ALL things, work together for my good!
~There is meaning and purpose in all that passes through His hands to me.

I will let you all know what Doc thinks after my Thursday appointment.
In the meantime, I am holding to the truths in this song, lately with 2 fingers, but soon to be with both hands, empty..

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FAMILY/ Love/ Music Renews/ Parenting/ Spiritual

For My 3 Lil’ Lovlies

My babies are now 12, 10 and 9!  I just can’t believe it!  Where do the years go?  I am loving every minute of being a mom.  I feel so very lucky to call these little lovelies mine, always remembering that they ultimately are His.  I know He will always take care of them.
I love you, my three beauties!

I remember singing this hymn as a child, for it was sung to me. 
This remake of it is so pretty.
Love.
Be not dismayed what e’er be tide

God will take care of you
Beneath His wings of love abide
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o’er all the way
*He will care for you*
God will take care of you

Through days of toil when heart doth fail
God will take care of you
When dangers fierce your path assail
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o’er all the way
He will care for you
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o’er all the way
He will care for you
God will take care of you

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Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Being Made New And Beautiful

{push play, then click through to YouTube.  It is worth it}
Our worship leader in church today lead us in prayer.  In the middle of the prayer, she said “Lord, you make us beautiful.”  This song above, “Beautiful Things,” immediately came to mind and it has been on repeat in my brain all day.  It is a favorite of mine.  Its words go perfectly with a reading I have found lately that has also been on my brain.  I thought I’d share them with you:
From Jesus Calling:
     As you become increasingly aware of My Presence, you find it easier to discern the way you should go. This is one of the practical benefits of living close to Me.  Instead of worrying about what you should do if…or when… you can concentrate on staying in communication with Me.  When you actually arrive at a choice-point, I will show you which direction to go.  

     Many people are so preoccupied with future plans and decisions that they fail to see choices they need to make today.   Without any conscious awareness, they make their habitual responses.  People who live this way find a dullness creeping into their lives.  They sleepwalk through their days, following well worn paths of routine.

     I, the Creator of the universe, am the most Creative Being imaginable.  I will not leave you circling in deeply rutted paths.  Instead, I will lead you along fresh trails of adventure, revealing to you things you did not know.  Stay in communication with Me.  Follow My guiding Presence.

______________________________
I love that my Creator does not “leave me circling in deeply rutted paths” but “leads along fresh trails of adventure.”  As He does this, He guides me, changes me, grows me.  Sometimes it is painful, change often is.  Refining often comes through fire, and oh, how uncomfortable it can be! 
Malachi 3:3
He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver..

A good refiner never leaves the crucible but, as the above verse indicates, “will sit” down by it so the fire will not become even one degree too hot and possible harm the metal.  And as soon as he skims the last bit of dross from the surface and sees his face reflected in the pure metal, he extinguishes the fire.
Arthur Tappan Peirson

Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. 

Isaiah 64:8
But now, O LORD, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

Living Like I’m Dying & A Health Update

I heard this song in the car today, on the way to the doctors office.  
Ready for confession time? 
The last 2 days I have been holding a grudge against someone I love dearly, because I was hurt by them.  Instead of lovingly communicating and talking it out, I just wallowed in my hurt and decided I was mad.  Now granted, I have not felt great, physically, the past few days (I will get to why in a moment),  but I’ve learned that physical pain is no excuse to treat someone with disregard, creating emotional pain for everyone involved.  
This song spoke to my heart, a great reminder of what cancer has taught me this past year–we all need to live like we are dying.  “86,400 seconds” is all we have in each day, and every second counts!  I don’t want to be wasteful with my moments.
After a long discussion with a doctor today, I left his office and again, started thinking of the importance of this song.  
I have been having stomach pain the last week.  It is in the evenings, and there have been 2 nights where I thought I may have to go to the emergency room if it didn’t let up.  They are checking my gallbladder for stones with an ultrasound tomorrow.  They are also going to check my stomach lining next week.  
This is the test that has me a little nervous.  Women with lobular breast cancer are more likely to get ovarian and gastric (stomach) cancer metastasis. I just had a dear friend die from stomach cancer.  I’ve seen firsthand what what would be in store.  Facing reality, I know that could be me.
Despite this reality, I have a peace.  A peace that “passes all understanding.” (Phil. 4:7)  I know, KNOW there is a perfect plan for my life, no matter how long or short it is.  I KNOW God has me in the palm of His hand, and nothing can separate me from His love.  This makes me think of my favorite Bible verse:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38,39

This peace, this unending love from my Creator, allows me..frees me.. to live like I’m dying.  To release hurt, to come out from “hiding behind skin that’s too tough,” to say I love you enough.  To admit fault, wrongdoing. To ask for forgiveness and to forgive.  To let go of “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda” and live like I shall, can and will.

To take the 86,400 seconds in a day and be present in them.

Won’t you join me?

“Live Like We’re Dying”
by cutie Chris Allen 🙂
Sometimes we fall down, can’t get back up
We’re hiding behind skin that’s too tough
How come we don’t say I love you enough
Till it’s to late, it’s not too late

Our hearts are hungry for a food that won’t come
And we could make a feast from these crumbs
And we’re all staring down the barrel of a gun
So if your life flashed before you,
What would you wish you would’ve done

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we’ve been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that’s ticking
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbye
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution,
There’ll no one on the line, yeah

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we’ve been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that’s ticking
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying, oh, like we’re dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

You never know a good thing till it’s gone
You never see a crash till it’s head on
Why do we think we’re right when we’re dead wrong
You never know a good thing till it’s gone

Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we’ve been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that’s ticking
Gotta live like we’re dying

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying

Like we’re dying, oh, like we’re dying..

We only got 86,400 seconds in a day to
Turn it all around or to throw it all away
We gotta tell them that we love them
While we got the chance to say
Gotta live like we’re dying.. 

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Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

I Am Remade

Is there someone in your life that hurls accusations at you?  That won’t forgive your shortcomings?  That reminds you on a consistent basis where you are failing?  Who points fingers at you, making you feel like everything bad that happens in life is your fault?  Who makes you feel like you have done something wrong when you have not? Or, when you have messed up, keeps holding up a mirror forcing you to stare at what you have already confessed?
Is that someone you?  Is that someone you love dearly?
Whether or not it is another person or your own self- talk, accusations are meant to destroy.  I believe they ultimately come from the one whom all evil flows– Satan, the Accuser.

From “A Confident Heart” by Renee Swope:

God’s spirit will convict you, but His heart will never condemn you.  How do we know whether what we are experiencing is condemnation that comes from the Accuser, or the voice of conviction that comes from God?

 Condemnation sweeps across our thoughts with generalized statements- “Your such a failure,” “Your so hypocritical,” etc.  When it is the Accuser, the tone is condemning, questioning and confusing.  It leads to guilt and shame.

Conviction that comes from God will be specific.  It reveals a sinful action and attitude and instructs us on what we need to do to right the wrong.  He’ll give us steps to take to change behavior or attitude.  

 ~Instead of Your such a failure as a [wife, mom, daughter, friend], the Spirit might say, You were really critical the way you talked to _______. (your husband, child, parent, etc.).  you need to say you are sorry and ask for forgiveness.  Then tell them something that will build them up instead of tearing them down. 

~Instead of You’re so hypocritical, the Spirit might say, You judge others for gossiping, but you are doing the same thing when you talk about your neighbor are at work.  Tomorrow at lunch break, apologize for what you said and share a few things that are positive about her.

God uses conviction lovingly, to show us our sin and lead our hearts to repentance.

–Renee Swope “A Confident Heart”

We’ve got to get our “good enough” from Jesus.  When we belong to Him, we’re clothed in His righteousness, forever beloved and accepted; a constant recipient of His steadfast love and grace.

–Gary Morland

My prayer:
Lord, thank you for remaking me.  Thank you for a love that is patient, is kind and keeps no record of my wrongs.  I trust your perfect love for me and I know that because of that perfect love I don’t need to be.  I will remain in your love and I will be confident of this: that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus!

The video above is powerful.  The song is a favorite of mine.  I hope you enjoy.

You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

There’s a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she’s wandered
And the shame she can’t hide

She says, “How did I get here?
I’m not who I once was.
And I’m crippled by the fear
That I’ve fallen too far to love”

But don’t you know who you are,
What’s been done for you?
Yeah don’t you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade. 
Well she tries to believe it
That she’s been given new life
But she can’t shake the feeling
That it’s not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she’s rehearsed all the lines
And so she’ll try to do better
But then she’s too weak to try

But don’t you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

‘Cause this is not about what you’ve done,
But what’s been done for you.
This is not about where you’ve been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved. 
You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.

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Love/ Spiritual

Shining: How I Stop Making Negative Agreements

I went on a church retreat when I was in high school.  During a mixer, we were challenged to think of a name, ending in the word “-one” that we wanted to be known by.  A name to claim who we were and who God was making us more and more in to.  
I chose the name “Shining-One”

I so desired to be one who shines the light of hope and love to a hurting world.  I so wanted God to use little me to make a difference in this world.  Now that I am an adult, I am learning that the hardest times to shine is in the mundane, little, everyday annoyances; and also in the larger, familiar moments that reveal patterns of unhealthy beliefs.
An example of an unhealthy beliefs that I am working on breaking is “I have to be perfect to be affirmed and loved.”  To anyone who would call themselves a perfectionist, I would challenge you to look deeper into that and think about why you are.  I was challenged to do this and boy, was it revealing.  It revealed some deep rooted beliefs that I claimed a stake in years ago, that triggers negative reactions when imperfect life happens, when I choose to act imperfectly, or when I simply have made a mistake. 
This morning something happened that immediately triggered thoughts of “I will never get it.” “there is no hope for  me in this area.” ” I suck.”  Can you just hear the perfectionism oozing out of each of those agreements I made with myself?  I am learning to watch for these negative agreements that I make.  I am learning I can exchange them for truth agreements.  God helped me to that this morning.  He helped me to choose to continue to shine for Him, instead of waste a day feeling like a total loser.  I exchanged the nasty agreements above for these:

“I am completely whole and new in Christ, lacking nothing”
“I can do all things through Him who gives me strength”
“He will bless the desires of my heart and my efforts. He will help me”
“God has washed me pure, despite of my imperfections”
“Only God is perfect, I will not be until I get to Heaven”
“He is making me more and more like Himself everyday”

With these new agreements on my brain, I will continue on with my day and shine.
______________________________________

This Little Light Of Mine–Addison Road

There’s a little flame inside us all
Some shine bright
Some shine small
The rains will come
And the waters rise
But don’t you ever lose your light

In this life you will know
Love and pain
Joy and sorrow
So when it hurts
When times get hard
Don’t forget whose child you are

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine

May you live each day
With no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
Let your eyes get wide
When you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child’s heart

With the ones you love-
Treasure the time
And for those who are gone
Keep the memories alive

Hold on to your dreams
Don’t you ever let go
There’s a fire inside you
Burning with hope

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine

There will be days when you wanna give up
When the clouds settle in
But after the rain comes the sun
Don’t you ever forget
Don’t forget
Don’t, don’t forget

One day there will be no more pain
And we will finally see Jesus’ face
So until then I’m gonna try
To brave the dark
And let my little light shine

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine

This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I’m gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Oh, shine
Gonna let it shine
There’s a little light inside us all

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Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Hurting Hearts

My heart has been heavy for people who are in pain around me.

We found out a man who has lived beside us for years, one whom I’ve only said hi to. One whose pain, disfunction, addiction and odd actions with my children caused me to fear him and avoid him, took his own life.  I don’t know much about the situation, but I do know that he was hurting enough to believe that the only way out was to kill himself.  
The one thing I did know about him was that he slept with the TV on.  He lived in the basement of the house next door, and when I would walk down my stairs, from my upstairs window, I could see in a crack of his makeshift curtains –a shirt hanging in the window that always looked like a ghost.  The crack showed only a slice of his TV, which was on 24/7, tuned to black and white shows of the past.  I’m sure the TV was on the day they found his body.  I am sad to think of this man, dying alone in a basement lit with black and white.
I regret not pushing past my fear to at least try to get to know his story and offer him some hope. We even could have talked television, it would have been a start, maybe have led to something more meaningful.  I wish now to tell him that there is a God who knows, as the song below says,

“You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground You
Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go”


Are you hurting today?  If so, please take a listen and know that the God of the Universe loves you, no matter what.

Watch the official video by the Afters: 

Lift Me Up-{The Afters}
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I’m where you want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

I know I’m not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But you love me the same

And when I’m surrounded
When I lose my way
When I’m crying out and falling down
You are here to

Lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love
With your love
I don’t know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to your love
To your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with your love

You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up

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