I just got back from an 8 mile bike ride–yes, yay me! I listened to my ipod while biking and on came the song “Here In Your Arms” by Hellogoodbye. This song always makes me think of my Todd. I love being in his arms. I love how he feels and smells. I love his kindness and gentleness, and his laid back-ness. I love that he takes the time to listen to me and really hear me. I often think when looking at him from across the room, “He is a hottie, how did I get so lucky?”
For those of you who are about to gag at this public blurting of affection, I would not recommend that you click on the below video. But– I do have a question..why do some people accept this type of PDA from newlyweds and those who just fell in love, but when it is a couple who have been in a long term, committed marriage, it seems to bring about discomfort in some people? Are they just prudes? Are they jealous? Do they just not believe that it is possible after 10 years to actually mean and feel fun, flirty and genuine words of affection? What is it that brings about that gag reflex? Just curious.
Well, I think that not only is it possible, it is how God intended it to be. Has anyone read Songs of Solomon lately? Now that is some pretty steamy public blurts of affection!
I am on a walking trail Ipod in ears–again. Iced latte in hand-again!
I look for a bench to sit and write, I avoid the ones that are engraved and say “In Memoriam,” for they depress me further than I already am.
I am sad.
The only benches in the shade are these said benches, so I give in and sit on the shiny, cold marble that is carved with the name, “Marilyn, 1999.” Did she love this trail too? Did she walk when alive, drinking in the sounds of life? Did she walk it slow, weak and sick, feeling life fade? I wonder these things and I feel sad for Marilyn.
I am not used to being sad. Moody, yes. Sad, no.
I take a walk today, to get some exercise, and to pray release some natural serotonin. Surprisingly, it helps.
How could it not? The 60- degree cool breeze, brings whiffs of spring flowering trees. These trees are the accessories of nature in the springtime, touches of purple, yellow, white and pink. God never over-accessorizes. He always gets it just right.
The sun shines but plays hide- and- seek behind large, white clouds. It is a bit annoying as I have to reach for the jacket tied around my waist, every time it stays hidden for too long. Annoying, but amusing, this hide-and-seek-game-playing with the sun.
This game I can’t control reminds me of life right now, and makes me think about how I am responding to things out of my control. Am I responding annoyed or amused? Truthfully, I have fallen into self pity. I am oozing discontentment as these annoyances come my way:
~painful joints that get “stuck” when I sit too long–chemo side effects
~a female cycle that brings 2 weeks of emotional struggle, more than an annoyance–a full- blown sting.
~fatigue. I pay for my walks, for at least 2-3 days after, I have little energy, needing naps and an early bedtime.
~right-side lower back pain. A dull ache. I wonder if it is the cyst on my ovary introducing itself to me.
These annoyances come my way and I respond annoyed.
I wonder how to change my response, to enter into the game and play nice. How to be sad without making everyone else around me sad, too?? How to play, and even how to fight with a submissive “yes” nod? Instead, I tense, fear and fight with a nodding, stubborn “no.”
I’ve lost my way and the ability to say, come what may.
I ponder these questions on my walk, as ipod pushes truth answers into my ears. I scroll through songs and come upon one that pushes through my swirling questions and thoughts, giving answers. Despite my dislike for the slight country twang, I listen to it three times…
{shifting moods, shifting cycles} It’s hard to shine in the shadows of the night
{my shadow of the night? Said cycle.}
You can’t be free if you don’t reach for help
{“Amy-keep looking to me, turning and reaching for my perfect help”-God} You can’t love if you don’t love yourself
{“I love you with an unconditional love. It is complete, lacking nothing. True love. You are 100% fully known, and fully loved by me. This makes YOU complete”-God}
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I’m in better hands now
{“lean into my hands! Come to where you belong in this restful and safe place. Submit. Nod the “yes.”” -God}
It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
{right on cue with the music, the sun dramatically reveals itself from behind a cloud, playing its game. It makes me smile and gives me shivers. A God kiss. Even in rain sadness, the sun is still shining and will keep me warm despite the dreary.} It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
{I can walk through this life, these annoyances, He will help me rise above and even fly.} So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt
{I’m starting to get it, starting my submissive “yes” nod} I’m in better hands now
{not I, but Christ. Galatians 2:20. Not my own, but HIS!} I am strong all because of you
{this statement revealed pride in me. I have felt tough since fighting this battle of cancer and getting through the treatments. But it was HE that got me through, and is getting me through. He who strengthens me!} I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
{one of my favorite lines in the song. This mountain, this cycle sting. He can move it! He can do what He pleases and has a plan for me that is good!} Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
{another favorite line, the lies want me to believe I am a lost cause, a continuous cycle of strong then weak. They want me to believe that I am the same. But, NO! Yesterday is gone, today is a new day with new mercies! These struggles do not define me. I am who He says I am. Changed. New.} I am safe from this moment on
{the enemy whispers self-imposed ruin. But I know better. I know I am safe. My family is safe. My marriage is safe. My future is safe. He holds it all!} [ There’s no fear when the night comes ’round
{It is ALL in His hands & SAFE.} I’m in better hands now
It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt I’m in better hands now
It’s like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down It’s like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground It’s like the world is silent though I know it isn’t true
{If I feel alone, I am not. Silence and stillness can be embraced.} It’s like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
{another God kiss. Again, right on cue of the music, I walk under a tunnel of sweet- breathed spring trees, white petals floating down in the spring breeze– it looks like snow! Fragrance all around. He is here. Through Him, I can handle whatever comes, even the sadness. I can nod “yes” and wait it out, for there is no doubt, I am in His hands, now.}
So take this heart of mine there’s no doubt I’m in better hands now I’m in better hands now
I am at a weird point in my cancer journey. It is quiet. I have time to think and reflect. I just keep thinking about how very blessed I am to have this TIME with my family and friends, and to enjoy God’s beautiful creation in the springtime. My baby girl turned “8” recently, and I am just struck at how fleeting the moments are, and I so want to BE PRESENT and thankful in each moment.
I have felt frustration with my “ups and downs” lately. I KNOW just how great it is to be alive and feeling good. I LONG to live fully in each moment, but I also know that doesn’t mean each moment is going to be perfect, or that I am going to respond perfectly in the moments. I know there is a time to grieve and a time to laugh. I just want to live WELL.
I have just learned of another cancer fighter, whom I have been following on Caring Bridge and praying for, is now at peace and in Heaven. His faith, fight and family all have made a lasting impression on me.
He has 2 girls, who are so beautiful and brave. When I read that they went to school after learning of their dad’s early morning passing, I just cried for them and their hurting, brave, sweet hearts.
It is a reminder to me that we just never know what life is going to bring, and we just don’t know the number of days– of moments we have. The fighter I mentioned above had clear scans in October. He didn’t know that come April his fight would be over, but God knew. It is clear in their story that He is holding them all.
I don’t want to get comfortable. When I get comfortable I get passive and I react to life instead of respond to the moments it brings. I want to live with a purpose, an awareness of what truly matters. This is why I love the above song, for it reminds.
I’ve had an influx of subscribers lately, so I thought I would start this by filling you all in a bit on where I am at in my cancer journey.
Here is a timeline:
Aug 2010-diagnosis: Stage 3 Invasive Ductal/Lobular Carcinoma
Sept 2010-port surgery
Sept-Nov 2010- chemotherapy
Dec 2010 -mastectomy + reconstruction
Feb 2011-Radiation –28 rounds TODAY- round 13, halfway done with radiation!!
May 2011-“phase 2” of reconstruction
June 2011- tattoo time (read more here..)
For details of the journey, click here or on the Caring Bridge button in the sidebar.
I have come far. I have so much to be thankful for. There are many ups and downs. Today was a down, I write about it below… but I’ll get back up there.
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{Halfway radiation point & “down” isn’t my best look..but I do like my new hat that looks old:)}
Journal
I was late for radiation today.
It was a hard morning…I just could not pull myself together in time.
My radiation therapist, Mr. Brad, was so kind, reassuring me that they can be flexible, and that it was ok.
I told him a bit of my hard morning, he listened and said he would pray.
Then, I told him, with tears flooding,
“I am weary”
He looked straight into my brewing storm and without hesitation, said:
“but the Lord isn’t”
A nugget of truth that shot straight to my heart and immediately brought internal storm rest. I exhaled and went on to face my day.
Oh Truth, sweet truth
From the written Word and the words of His people!
What would I do without Truth?
Truth has been harder to feel lately.
I KNOW truth, I SEE it, but it FEELS far away.
Lots of “static” in the way.
Busyness of thought that creates distance from grasping the feeling of truth.
I know I create some of that static, and I know that giving up a medication and adjusting to that give up creates static. I also know some of it is just life right now.
It. Just. Is.
This said static got the best of me this morning–it was oh, so loud–it comes and I kick and fit and shake my fists. Eyes up, head down, at times– in hands. Tissue thrown in piles on floor.
I blurt my static…to Him. To husband. To my Carma friend.
Words of “whys” and “no’s” and fears and questions and closed hands and fed ups..my words.
“But Lord…”
“No Lord…”
“Enough Lord..”
Vivid dreams have turned from normal into nightmares. Can I just have one day of my life before? I don’t want this unknown anymore. I want concrete, expected, easy. I want pretty, no scars.
Lord, do you see?
My Lottie-3 -year- old- Mae, the bravest fighter, her mother torn from baby sister to seek treatment far away. Leukemia in a child is enough, Lord, enough. But..bacteria infection and pneumonia, too? Families who love and yearn, torn from each others presence? It seems too much..
Lord, do you see?
The man after me, there for radiation therapy. The only color in his face are blood shot eyes that are hollow, but still smile at me.
Lord?
My husband, who deals with enough by dealing with me. He is sitting at table, deep in thought, while shuffling the mounting bill piles, doing his best to make them all fit.
Lord.
The statistics they scare me, why can’t I have a concrete answer? Please? Stage 3a or Stage 3b? Which one is it? It matters to me.. 70% or 39%? Why can’t I let go of the numbers? Hands grasped, closed tight. Digits grasping digits.
Women who have felt lumps, endured scans, had parts of themselves cut on and cut out, allowed chemical chemo to flow through veins and radiation to burn both good and bad cells, who felt razors and cold air on scalp, have to take pills that keep wombs empty and all the while are wives and some mothers and burden bearers for each other. Oh Lord, these women!
Lord, do you see?
So. Much. Static.
The above is enough there is so much more. Unnamed more.
Lord?…?
Then.. my Lord…
My GOOD, good, God…
He whispers to me.
“Yes, Amy, I see.”
“I know you are weary, but I am not.”
I SEE. I, too, wept.
I KNOW. I, too, have scars.
I can handle your cries to me, My child.
I’m so glad you’ve come to me…
For I am the Way. The Truth. The Light.
I will make sense of tragedy.
I will be your burden bearer.
Hand over the load. I was meant to bear it, not you.
Endure, child.
You know on this earth there will be pain and trials.
It was not meant to be this way, but it is.
I will fulfill my promise to make it all right again, in my time.
This is what it is in an imperfect, sin- infested world.
This is why I sent my Son, for a way out of it all.
You’ve tasted the hand of bitterness, do not let hatred numb your sorrows.
Do not clinch your hand closed tight.
The wise hand opens slowly, to lilies of the valley and tomorrow…to Me!
I gave you the words to this song in your heart.
I gave you these words years ago, knowing you would need them in these fist shaking moments.
“This is what it means to be held, how it feels..
When the sacred is torn from life and you survive
This is what it is, to be held, and to know that the promise was
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
Andrew Peterson-Dancing In The Minefields I am heading into a surgical center today to sit with my husband. He is having surgery to have his knee repaired. Exactly a week from now, he will be with me as I have surgery, a double mastectomy.
I had a friend write on my face book “He will be your hands, you can be his feet“
That is how we have worked these last 14 years. Joined together. Filling in the others weakness, and when we fail (which has been often), our Lord steps in and fills in the areas we were never meant to fill in each other. There have been many, many bumps in the road. Life has not always been easy, but because of our faith and goodness of our God, we have been able to stay strong and get through the minefields of life.
I love this song. I love the idea of “Dancing in the minefields.” We are. We are holding tight to each other and getting through them, many times stumbling, but more often, we are, actually, dancing.
Todd, I love you.
Well I was 19 you were 21
The year we got engaged Everyone said we were much to young But we did it anyway We got the rings for 40 each from a pawnshop down the road We said our vows and took the leap now 15 years ago
Chorus: We went dancing in the minefields We went sailing in the storm And it was harder than we dreamed But I believe that’s what the promise is for
Well ‘I do’ are the two most famous last words The beginning of the end But to lose your life for another I’ve heard is a good place to begin Cause the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down And I believe it’s an easy price for the life that we have found
Chorus: And we’re dancing in the minefields We’re sailing in the storm This is harder than we dreamed But I believe that’s what the promise is for That’s what the promise is for
Bridge: So when I lose my way, find me When I lose loves chains, bind me At the end of all my faith to the end of all my days when I forget my name, remind me
Cause we bear the light of the son of man So there’s nothing left to fear So I’ll walk with you in the shadow lands Till the shadows disappear Cause he promised not to leave us And his promises are true So in the face of all this chaos baby I can dance with you
Chorus: So lets go dancing in the minefields Lets go sailing in the storms Oh lets go dancing in the minefields And kicking down the doors Oh lets go dancing in the minefields And sailing in the storms Oh this is harder than we dreamed But I believe that’s what the promise is for That’s what the promise is for
This has been a theme song in my life for about the last 4 years. It now has new meaning, but is still so familiar and comforting. It is one that I have been going to often the last few days, for encouragement.
(hope the link works, brain fog kept me from figuring out an easier way get this song on here!)
I wanna set the world on fire Until it’s burning bright for You It’s everything that I desire Can I be the one You use?
[CHORUS] I, I am small but You, You are big enough I, I am weak but You, You are strong enough to Take my dreams Come and give them wings Lord with You Nothing I can not do Nothing I cannot do
I wanna feed the hungry children And reach across the farthest land And tell the broken there is healing And mercy in the Father’s hands
[CHORUS]
Take my dreams Come and give them wings Lord with You Nothing I cannot do Nothing I cannot do
My hands my feet My everything My life, my love Lord, use me
I wanna set the world on fire I wanna set the world on fire, yeah
Take my dreams Come and give them wings Lord with You Nothing I cannot do Take my dreams Come and give them wings Lord with You There’s nothing I can’t do Nothing I can’t do
I’m gonna set the world on fire Set the world on fire
And for those times I forget these truths, those times I walk away with my thoughts and actions from my God, this following song is one that gets me right back on track. I love me some Britt Nicole!
{video I made for Todd last year. There are pics of our girls which I normally do not show on the blog, so this post will only be up for a week. Enjoy!}
Yesterday was our 14th Wedding Anniversary. My husband is an amazing man who is committed to me, loves me, and makes our marriage priority. I am a blessed beyond words.
Our marriage is something we have worked very hard on, clinging to the verses below, trying to put them into practice. Each year brings on new lessons and new growth. I am so thankful for a man who will give me room to grow and who is committed to growing himself. He is God’s gift to me.
I LOVE YOU, TODD!
Col 3:12-14
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity
Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:10b
Honor one another above yourselves.
1 Cor 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
James 1:19
Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.
Colossians 3:14
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
” by Hellogoodbye. This song always makes me think of my Todd. I love being in his arms. I love how he feels and smells. I love his kindness and gentleness, and his laid back-ness. I love that he takes the time to listen to me and really hear me. I often think when looking at him from across the room, “He is a hottie, how did I get so lucky?”
