I’ve seen days Where the nights don’t end I’ve seen strangers I used to call friend
How can I begin to trust In the fact that You’d never let me go Been left so many times Feel like nobody could know
The sound that my heart makes When it starts to break And the pain that I hate Waits for me everyday
And yet I lie awake Alive and still breathin’ Hopin’ that this time in my life Is just a season
Believin’ the words You spoke to Your people How you’d never leave Even though we couldn’t see You
How You would make us prosper Even though we couldn’t pay You Back now there’s nothing I lack
Please don’t let me go If I can’t have Your love My hearts got no where to go Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go I’d be lost inside a dying world Just trying to find my home It’s with You I belong Please don’t let me go
I remember the moments life was a blur An adolescent spirit, far from mature I couldn’t tell between a friend or a foe So alone I remained, looked to the sky for hope
It’s hard to feel alive when you’re cold It’s hard to reach the sky when you’re low Sunlight is hard to find in a storm How can I give love if my souls been torn
A broken vessel, you call it a master piece No eye can see how deeply You’re in love with me Honestly I can’t love me how You love me But obviously there’s something that You want from me
‘Cause You don’t want to let me go Owner of the world but You want my soul My heart is crying out, Lord, please take control I need You and I don’t wanna let go
Please don’t let me go If I can’t have Your love My heart’s got no where to go Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go I’d be lost inside a dying world Just trying to find my home It’s with You, I belong Please don’t let me go
(Don’t let me go) Please don’t let me go (Don’t let me go) Please don’t let me go
And I’ve seen who I could be Without You close to me I can’t recognize that person Staring back at me
And You’ve seen how my heart breaks From the choices I have made I know Your love can take it all away
Please don’t let me go If I can’t have Your love My heart’s got no where to go Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go I’d be lost inside a dying world Just trying to find my home It’s with You, I belong
I stumbles upon this timely song this morning. A beautiful reminder that not only will He never let me go, but He knows me so intimately that he has me “engraved in the palm of His hand.”
I’ve learned enough in the past to know that when hardships come, I need to be alert to the lessons.
Most are small, tweaks to the character. But there are times when I feel turmoil that is bigger, and I then know that God is brewing something good, and I brace myself for the type of love and growth that comes through a storm.
When life is smooth sailing, nice and cool, I rest. These times of rest are precious, but I also find I get lethargic and lazy to the lessons. Days slip by and before I know it, I have not called out His name for far too long. A longing starts to stir within and I am missing the one who knows it all and all of me.
James 1. I would say this is my favorite chapter of mine in all of His word. Here is verses 1-5. Love.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
My heart has been heavy, and for once it is not due to health issues. A different storm stirring. New lessons brewing. In the midst I have had sweet reminders of His presence. A note from my former youth pastor, with words sweet and timely. A gift in the mail from my sister fighter friend, a necklace that brought an instant stream of tears as I felt it rest around my neck. It wrapped me not only in her love, but brought a whisper from Him–“I see you, all of you, and you are fully loved. This gift is from her & through her, but I led. I work through my people and my timing is perfect. Wear and feel my love around your neck.”
His timing IS perfect. I feel Him pressing the lessons.
“Ok child, it is now time for this. Let’s conquer this one together.”
Sometimes I mistaken the imperfect packages He brings these lessons in, as the enemy. They are not. They are just messy, broken humans, as am I. I am learning to forgive and look past the package. I am learning to not take things so personally.
How? I am seeing myself through God’s lens. Pure. Forgiven. Made new. Growing.
Learning is the key word here. My initial human response is defensiveness. Self pity. Lists of all the things I am doing right. Lots of “yeah, buts..” When any fault is pointed out in me, this is my natural response.
But, something is changing. It may be my initial response, but it is quickly being followed up by the sweetness of God whispers..”Forgiven. Made new. Growing.”
These beautiful song lyrics “you are more than the problems you create, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create. You have been remade!” {You Are More by Tenth Avenue West}
Swapped thought patterns, happening much more quickly. Growth.
This new storm brewing? It is hard to name, and honestly, it may just be more of the same, just deeper–from a different package. But sometimes the package it comes in makes all the difference, and makes a lesson thought conquered, brand new and intimidating.
But, God’s questions to me end up being the same..
“Do you trust me?” “Do you believe you are who I say you are?” “Is my opinion of you enough?” “Can you let go of defensiveness?” “Do you believe that I am good?” “Do you believe that I am just, that I will take care of others, that is is MY job, not yours?” “Do you believe that the good work I have started in you, I will be faithful to complete?”
It was over 15 years ago, I was 21 years old, a newlywed. I was sitting in church on Easter morning, terrified, with the question of “what if?” on my brain.
The day before, I received a phone call while at work, hairdressing. I was drying my last client of the day, and I was called to the front for a phone call.
On the phone was my dermatologist, whom I had visited just a few days before. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this over the phone, but you have skin cancer, and it is the kind that is not usually nice. Melanoma. If we caught it in time, you will be fine. If it is in the bloodstream already, your chances of beating it are very slim.
It was a very short phone call, I went back to drying my client’s hair, not sure how I was holding on to the hairdryer, as I felt numb all over.
I don’t remember much of that weekend, but I DO remember that it was Easter Sunday, and as I was sitting in church, the only thing I heard the Pastor say was..“you can experience the peace that passes all understanding when you know Jesus.”
Right as he said those words, a deep peace came over me. Fear took a back seat, and I experienced for the first time what that verse meant. It was such a sweet feeling.
That was early in my walk with God, and over the years I have grown in my knowledge of what it means to walk in peace and to trust in the plan He has for my life.
It has taken many, many lessons, and many screw ups on my part. God has proven over and over that He is worthy of my devotion, that He is good ALL the time, and that no matter what, He will never leave me.
My melanoma was caught in time, and surgery was enough to get rid of it. I was thankful but so young. I’m not sure I really got just how blessed I was that we caught it in time.
Fast forward 15 years. As you all know, I had another cancer diagnosis last year. Again, I felt the numbness that comes with that phone call. This time I was much older, wiser, and there was so much more at stake.
I had a husband of 14 years whom I had grown to love so very much, who I desperately longed to grow old with, and I had 3 little ones who would hurt deeply if anything happened to me.
These facts made peace hard to come by. If you followed my journey on Caring Bridge, you know my emotions were so up and down and my peace and trust were tested all throughout my cancer fight.
Fear raged, but, I also experienced a peace and trust that I never thought was possible. I fell very, very deep in love with my Jesus who has been by my side all these years.
I’ve always loved Him, ever since I was young, but oh the sweetness of Him that I experienced in this trial. Beyond what words can describe.
So tomorrow, I find myself facing yet another Easter Sunday, where I will sit with the question of “what if?” I have tests next week to check a spot on my kidney, and there is a possibility that cancer has visited me once again.
I have realized something this time, though. Fear has lost its grip.
That doesn’t mean it won’t rear its ugly head at times, but it does not consume me, and I am FREE. This trust I have found, it feels like rest, and that is what I am doing.
I am in His hands and I am at rest. I no longer feel panicked when I think of my 3 precious girls and that question “what if?”
I realized this week, that I finally, FINALLY I have been able to go even deeper into my trust and give them to HIM.
I know that the amazing God who has loved me all through my years will have their little hearts and will take care of them, no matter what.
And that man of mine that I love so very much? I know He has him, too.
I smiled and felt a chill when I realized this. As the song says below, “no guilt in life, no fear of death, this is the power of Christ in me.”
This Easter is a special one. I am remembering. I am remembering how He chose death, so I can be free from the fear of death.
He hung on that cross and took on my guilt, so I stand here free of guilt, despite how messed up I am. He overcame death so that I can have eternal life, forever with Him.
Lyrics:
In Christ Alone, My Hope Is Found
He Is My Light, My Strength, My Song
This Cornerstone, This Solid Ground
Firm Through The Fiercest Drought And Storm What Heights Of Love, What Depths Of Peace
When Fears Are Stilled, When Strivings Cease
My Comforter, My All-in-all
Here In The Love Of Christ, I Stand
There In The Ground His Body Lay
Light Of The World By Darkness Slain
Then Bursting Forth In Glorious Day Up From The Grave He Rose Again
And As He Stands In Victory
Sin’s Curse Has Lost Its Grip On Me
For I Am His And He Is Mine
Bought With The Precious Blood Of Christ
No Guilt In Life, No Fear In Death
This Is The Power Of Christ In Me From Life’s First Cry To Final Breath
Jesus Commands My Destiny
No Power Of Hell, No Scheme Of Man
Can Ever Pluck Me From His Hand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power OfChrist
I’ll Stand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power Of Christ
This morning our home was not even close to peaceful. I see habits forming in myself and my children that make me uncomfortable. It is just too easy to complain, to snip and snark at each other, and to speak negative. We have not been counting the gifts together and it shows. When the heart is not thankful, there is room for complaining and lots of other junk!
I searched the Scriptures and I am amazed how just one chunk of the Word can ground me, lead me and instruct me so I in turn can instruct my little ones. I will be sharing this with them tonight, all the while letting them know that it is just as much for me, their imperfect Momma, as it is for them.
I Thessalonians 5:14-18 NAS
We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people. Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
~admonish the unruly
~encourage the fainthearted
~help the weak
~be patient with everyone
~see to it that no one repays evil for evil
~seek after that which is good for one another
~rejoice always
~pray without ceasing
~in everything give thanks
I Thessalonians 5:14-18 The Message
Get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part. Our counsel is that you warn the freeloaders to get a move on. Gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out.
Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.
~get along among yourselves, each of you doing your part.
I love this. We are a family and we each contribute to the atmosphere and reality of our home life. We all play a very important part.
~gently admonish the freeloaders Ha. Love that word, freeloaders. We all are guilty of this once in a while. Wanting others to do our part.
~gently encourage stragglers and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. This was perfect for me today. My middle girl had bad dreams last night and could not get back to sleep. She woke up REALLY needing more sleep. Here is the perfect example to where I need to be fore-bearing and reach out to comfort her in her exhaustion. I am glad to say I did this. Just having her Mom acknowledge that she must be tired from all those yucky dreams was enough to get her on her feet.
~be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. Oh boy. This one is for me. I know my family well. But, being attentive is much more than just knowing. It is serving based on the knowledge of individual need, and yes, this takes thought and patience.
~…and be careful that when you get on each others nerves that you don’t snap at each other. It is so easy to snap and snark at family members. Ugh…why is this? There has been a lot of that going on among siblings lately. Oh how we need these reminders from the Word of Truth!
~look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out. As a mom and wife, this one is key. It is so easy to look at the negative. To see peoples faults. Love looks past, and sees the best and works to bring it out!
~be cheerful no matter what REALLY? No matter what? Yes, it is there. It is a command. To rejoice always. When I was sick I really had a taste of this, and it IS possible, but only with the Lords help. He is the one that gives that peace that passes all understanding, that inner joy. It is Him in me.
~thank God no matter what happens. again, REALLY? Yes, really. Finding contentment in all circumstances is another supernatural thing only found in the power of God.
~pray all the time A constant awareness of Him. A continual communion throughout the day. Whispers between friends. Thoughts to the One who knows me, loves me, and promises to be with me always. He is the Peace giver and the Peace maker…
…and OH how I need Him in my family’s pursuit of peace!
