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FAMILY/ Leaving A Legacy/ Parenting/ Spiritual

My 3 Girls Minus Their Curls & True Beauty

{2009}
I love #throwbackthursdays.  It is so great to reminisce and look back at what a beautiful life I have been blessed with and just how precious every moment has been.
This photo was taken in the late summer of 2009, right after I gave my girls their back-to-school haircuts and took the time to straighten out their curls.  We even put fun chunky low-lights in Teagan’s hair that day, which was a big, fun deal to her at age 10!
Little did we know that their Mommy would also be ‘minus her curls’  and would get quite the haircut exactly a year later, in late summer 2010.  Chemotherapy is not so kind in giving the best of haircuts, but it did teach me that hair is just hair, change is ok, and outward beauty is shown in so many different ways, and comes from the inside.
My 3 lovelies are now 11, 13 & 14.
They are key ages, building their identity and embracing who God made them to be. I watch their beautiful lives and their struggle to resist the message this world gives them that beauty is all-important. It bombards them, in their face everywhere they turn.  This society they are growing up in is so messed up, unfair, and full of lies in defining true beauty.  Let us speak truth just as loud!

To my 3 sweet lovelies:

I swoon every time I look at you. You are all 3 so very beautiful inside and out.
Oh how I want you to see this!

If only I could hold up mirror that only allowed you to see yourself how God sees you. He sees you through the filter of His Son’s sacrifice.  No flaws, pure, washed, lovely, made in His image.  His amazing creation, one that He smiles at & rejoices over!

In the above verse, Proverbs 31:30, it talks about the woman who fears the Lord is the woman who is to be praised for her true beauty.

This fear is not:

“dreadful anxiety in which someone is frightened by the clear and present danger that is represented by another person. It’s not the kind of fear that a slave would have at the hands of a malicious master who would come with the whip and torment the slave. Servile refers to a posture of servitude toward a malevolent owner.”

Rather, it is a fear that:

“refers to the fear that a child has for his father… a child who has tremendous respect and love for his father or mother and who dearly wants to please them. He has a fear or an anxiety of offending the one he loves, not because he’s afraid of torture or even of punishment, but rather because he’s afraid of displeasing the one who is, in that child’s world, the source of security and love. {source}

God is your security.  He is pure and true love.  He only wants what is best for you and has a plan for you that is beyond what you can imagine!  He wants to smother you with gifts & moments of pure delight, and give you a peace that is hard to comprehend until you experience it.

This is what I want you to fear…fear missing out on your Creator’s best for you!  Draw close to Him and get to know Him so well that you will KNOW how beautiful and lovely He is, and how beautiful and lovely YOU are.

We are girls and it is a delight to straighten curls or make them bounce.  It is much fun to polish nails and make a skirt float as we twirl.  There is freedom in these things and so much girly fun!

But…when those fun things are used to cover up pain or dislike for ourselves, there is no longer fun freedom.

When you look at your own physical blemishes and scars, may it remind you of how Jesus has scars, and those scars are what frees us from any shame and guilt that we place on ourselves.  When you see your imperfections, remember who made you and Who delights in you, exactly how you are, no matter what.

Run from shame.  Shut down the negative and condemning thoughts. Run from accusation, for we know who the Accuser is.  Flee and don’t listen.

Turn your ear to only truth.  Listen close.  Replace lies with truth. Believe.  Choose to fear God –a healthy fear. Not one that looks for approval, but one who knows the most Famous One fully approves!  Allow this knowledge to gently and continuously push you toward true beauty.

Run.
Flee.
Look Up.
Healthy Fear.
Listen.
Find Freedom.
Straighten or Bounce a Curl.
Do a Twirl.
I Love You More’n,
Mom
—————
Leaving a Legacy
2
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Fighting The Fear Of Death While Facing Death

{Free Download From Laura Casey. Click here to get yours!}
I have been reaching, grasping, holding firmly to the Anchor of my soul lately.  Life brings the swirling waters and I reach, knowing it is there, this steadfast Anchor whom I call Lord.  I held fast and firm the last few days as we said goodbye to my sweet Grandpa.  He was brought safely to shore, an arrival to a home he longed for and a God whom he served faithfully all his life.
Just a couple days before watching Grandpa peacefully meet his maker, I spoke at a women’s conference.  My session title was called Fighting The Fear Of Death While Facing Death. I spoke of my cancer journey.  I didn’t know 2 days later our family would be witnesses to this raging, terrible storm called death, and asked to let go of one we love so dearly.  I did know, however, that no matter what life would bring, our Anchor holds.
———
 
An excerpt from my conference session:
How does one do this?
How does one fight fear of death, while facing death?
How do I open my clenched fists and allow “no’s” to become open hands that say “come what may?”  
How do I find the trust it takes, to let go of the boat I’m nestled in with my sweet family, stand up, face the waves, know that if I do unclench my fists, I will fall, and not just fall, but fall seemingly into scary, stormy, overwhelming knew the minute I was diagnosed that this is what I must do.  That this is a storm that would bring some very scary waters, and that I would have to jump in. Sometimes God tells us to just stay put and stay in the boat.  This has been my message from Him my whole life…”just stay with me, Amy, just stay in the boat.” But sometimes, the storms that come force one right into the black waves. I also knew that in the dark unknown there was an anchor for my soul, that in order to fully grasp onto it, I would have to be stripped of all that I was clinging to.
The stripping started right away.
Cancer has stripped me, it has emptied me.
It has taken:
Hair,
Nails,
Breasts
Eyelashes
Sleep
Health
And so much more.
It has brought and is bringing me to the end of myself.
Less of me. More of Him.
It seems to give no choice.
At times it feels forced, this opening, this unclenching of hands.
I want to scream , NO!
I want to grip tight, closed and hard.
My will not Yours
To clumsily and stupidly grasp for a control that does not really exist.
In His faithfulness, the false securities are being removed.
What are some of those false securities? I wonder if any of you can relate to them…
~Control
~Perfection
~Beauty
~Stability
~Solitude
~My ducks in a row
~Validation
~Compliments
Before cancer,
God, my therapist and I
We were working on these false securities.
These lies that whisper false fulfillment.
These cravings that produce only a pretend sense of self.
An artificial me.
My therapist and I –We worked hard on trading the artificial for the real.
I can hear him asking over and over
“Amy, What is real here?” “Who does God say you are?” “What are you believing?”
“What is true?”
Remember…whatever is true, think on these things! {Philippians 4:8}
Truth.
Finding what was true and real was crushing the false fulfillment’s that I had.  It was hard but necessary work. 
The year before diagnosis came, I purposefully bowed out of all ministry, cleared my calendar as much as possible, and focused on simplifying, creating margins in life, slowing down, and getting into His Word.  It was so hard for me to find and use the word “no” but I know if I had not, I would not have been prepared for what was to come. God was starting to change the desires of my heart.
In that year, I longed and asked for less of me and more of Him.  I begged Him for wisdom.  I asks that He would use me–an introvert–to bring others into His Kingdom, and that He would show me how to live fully.
God was being so faithful.  He knew as He answered these requests that my life boat would be taken on an unexpected course. He knew what was in store for me.  He knew the waters that I would tread, for when diagnosis came, so did these words-loud and clear-
“For THIS He has prepared me.”  
——-
God does not bring us to the storms in life and leave us there.  He gives us everything we could possibly need and even starts preparing us long before it comes.  He sees the wind and waves, and knows exactly what we as His children are going to face.  He promises to work all things out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. {Romans 8:28}
——-
Hold fast my dear family.  Our Anchor holds, and one day, we too, will be allowed to go ashore and see our sweet Earl Rice Jr. once again.  What a day that will be!  Oh Glory!!  Face to face.

9
Spiritual

I Am A Watchman

Psalm 130:1&2
Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;
Lord, hear my voice. 
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

Just when one thinks the season of waiting and mourning is over, another season starts.  Isn’t that just what it is like living on this earth that is not our home?
There is much pain.
You all know I deal with pain by writing.  I write and as I do I discover hope and truth promised.  My writings often are as the Psalm above says; my crying out to our Lord from the depths.  
There are times when I cannot write of pain and share publicly, and this is one of those times.  To respect the privacy of those I love, I cannot be specific in voicing pain.  
But for all of you who are feeling the acute pain of life right now, I so long to reach out, hold your hand, and tell you that you are not alone. We are not alone.  We have hope.
Let us cry out together.
Oh God, hear our voices.  Turn your face toward us and hear our prayers.  Attend to our wounds and hear our cry for mercy.  Heal us.
By His stripes we are healed.  
In the middle of this lent season I am being reminded so very clearly of those said stripes.  I cannot get the image of our Lord’s sweet skin being lashed and bleeding for me out of my head.  He knows what it is to be wounded.  He knows pain. He knows fear.  
He became God-man to not just to save us, but to show us that He knows.  He has felt the sting of hurtful words.  He knows fatigue. He suffered. He bled.  
There is another knowing.  
I think of our God, our three-in-one, Father, Spirit, Son.
The Father knows what it feels like to watch His child suffer.  To see His child bleed.  He knows.  
This God-Head also knows what it is to watch His children choose that which is not healing or good.  Every time we choose what will bring us pain, it brings our Father pain. For those of you who felt a tinge of guilt reading that, as I did writing it, we must remember this is not a “disappointed in you” pain.  He is not that way.  True love goes so much deeper, and does not have a hint of selfishness.  It sees the beauty.  He sees us as so beautiful, washed whiter than snow by His blood– radiant.  His pain comes when the Father sees that which we don’t, and longs for us to see it too.
Oh God, show us the way. May we see what you see.  Heal us.
Psalm 130: 5&6
I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the LORD 
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

In this above said pain, I am a watchman.  Yes, my whole being waits, alert & intuitive.

Watchful.
Watching.
Waiting.
Seeing beauty.
Seeing pain.
Crying out to the Lord.
Hopeful.
Hoping.

Oh God, may we put our hope in you!  May we love as you do, a true, deep, all-enveloping love. Be with us as we wait.  Keep us hopeful.  Come quickly, Lord.  Take our mourning, and bring us morning.

__________

Every Friday during this lent season, I am excited to be linking up with She Reads Truth.  Each Friday we will explore a passage of Scripture together.  Today’s Scripture passage was Psalm 130.  I hope you will find some encouragement in our next few Friday’s together!

My little sister Laurie at Beauty Divine is also participating.  She may be my little and younger sister, but she is so very wise.  Make sure you visit her post to read her thoughts on Psalm 130.

3
HEALTH/ Spiritual

A Life Changed By Chronic Pain

 

 

“Unlike delivering grace, which once received, inadvertently moves us to greater independence from God, 

sustaining grace keeps us tethered to Him.” –Vaneetha Demski

 

 

{A Guest Post by Carissa Harms}

 

My story is one of a life changed by chronic pain. 

 

It’s hard for me to share, but I know it’s good for my heart to do so, and is an act of obedience to my frequent prayer that God would be glorified through this. That this suffering would not be wasted.

 

5 years ago I injured myself playing sand volleyball with my husband at the age of 27.  My resulting situation is abnormal in the degree of disability I’ve experienced because of it, the lack of clarity about my diagnosis, and the absence of successful treatment so far.

 

The pain in my lower back and pelvis initiated by the injury, and worsened by a subsequent pregnancy, has steadily increased until 2 years ago I became primarily bedridden. I spend about 75% of my day in bed or on an air mattress in our living room, with brief periods of time being upright standing or sitting in my orthopedic chair. The deep vice-like burning pain is unforgivably constant regardless of my position or treatments and can build to mind-fogging unbearable at times. 

 

My medical resume is disappointingly extensive. 
-had every scan and test we know about (many of them multiple times)
-seen multiple doctors per specialty
-a dozen therapists/chiropractors
-lots of diagnostic injections 
-3 trips to the Mayo Clinic 
-3 rounds of out-of-state prolotherapy/PRP treatments (averaging 200+ injections each)
-an inconclusive exploratory surgery
 -various alternative and natural products/treatments
-too many medications to count

 

The closest thing we have to a diagnosis is “Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction (SIJD).” Basically meaning my pelvic joints are unstable. My symptoms are not completely consistent with this, and most likely there are other contributing factors yet to be named. The unbelievable frustration from these failed medical pursuits does me more harm than good, so I have come to let it go. We are continuing to pursue new things knowing God may still choose to use medicine to heal me this side of heaven, but my hope is now built on Him, and no longer on “them.” 

 

Battling pain like this day-after-day without a clear explanation or any promise of relief in the future is enough to send someone over the edge…swallow them whole…rewrite the definition of insanity.

 

Then there’s the grief-pain. Grieving the loss of sitting through a church service, attending my son’s school functions, a dinner out, shopping, a walk with the family, trips, all the activities I enjoyed with my husband, serving others. Too many to name. It is unavoidably trying physically, relationally, emotionally, and spiritually. 

 

But thanks be to my good & gracious God that this is not ALL of my story.

 

There is something else that is also unavoidable. Despite my frequent attempts to downplay it for the sake of self-misery, it remains. Something MORE than I could’ve hoped for in this time of hopelessness. If someone would’ve told me what my life would hold these last 5 years, I would’ve said that it would be utterly unbearable! It would take more grace to endure than I could conceive. And therein lies the cause for praise. 

 

 “In the gap between what we want to happen and what God provides for us, is always sustaining grace.” …

 

Our “gaps” have been meticulously filled by the Lord. His tangible hands have been friends, family, and complete strangers taking care of our family’s (with 2 little boys at home) large list of physical needs. Gap filled. Many a divinely timed word of encouragement from someone. (Once, my phone rang in the very middle of my prayer petitioning the Lord on that specific matter)! Large gap filled. Unexpected financial gifts in the exact amount needed for something, random connections leading us to new treatment options to pursue when we thought we had done it all, and even a donated private jet ride to get me to Mayo (so I could lay down in-flight). Gaps overflowing! 

 

But by far the most steadfast provision from the Lord in my wavering faith has been His unwavering faithfulness to me. Not a burden of heart has been unanswered without a promise from Him I could cling to. While I have longed to be protected FROM this trial, I can’t help but recognize God’s protection IN it. In my discouragement, protection from complete despair. In my anger, protection from bitterness. In my pain, He has brought blessing.

 

cont…“God’s sustaining grace can’t be experienced while resisting His will.” (Andy Stanley)

 

How true this has been for me. Greater than the battle for healing is the battle of surrender that wages in my heart. It is not a one-battle-war! I have experienced first-hand the grace, peace, and joy that comes when I am fully trusting that God has allowed this trial out of His goodness, for the good of many, that “none of His plans can be thwarted,” and the finish line of His glory will reveal that it was all more than worth it. With Him in complete control, I don’t have to fight the ride. But fight the ride I often do nonetheless.

 

 

Despite frequent “falls” of discouragement, I praise my Mighty Savior that my hand is buried firmly in His! He has not allowed me to be “hurled headlong.” With each fall, His grace either eases the pressure of the burden or increases my strength to bear it. 

 

I know that many travel with the companions of sorrow and suffering on their life journeys. Both visible and invisible pain. Some much greater than mine. As my faith has been strengthened in joining other’s journeys through suffering, I pray that because the Lord has chosen to make mine the visible kind, someone would find encouragement and hope in God’s story of faithfulness to us. 

———–

A note from Amy:

Carissa is a dear friend of mine.  Our relationship goes back to our newlywed days where we attended the same church and small group study.  She has always been a light to me, and I have learned so much from her by just watching her life.  Her story of pain has touched me deeply and I am so thankful to share some of her with you all today!

37
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Faith As Small as A Mustard Seed–Or A Cancer Cell

I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker and the writers of Five Minute Friday – would love for you to join us! Today’s writing prompt is: Small. 

GO.

This nagging fear…it is small but there.

I am year 3 going on year 4.  Remission.

Remission.  Not cured.

Remission.  I’m not sure what it really means.

In all honesty, to me, it means paused.  We are on hold, holding our breath to see if something so small,
so minuscule, unseen by the human eye,

will travel,

take root, grow, and uproot our lives again.

A cancer cell.  It only takes one to attract others.  They gather together, divide and have a tumor party.  If this happens in an organ, for me, the party on this earth will be over.

Year 3 going on year 4 is a critical time.  It is not time to exhale yet.  It is almost long enough for the small to become large enough to reveal itself in symptoms & scans.

Speaking of symptoms, these small aches and pains.  They cause a small pause within the pause.  We tell ourselves they are side effects.  We pray they stay small, yes, to stay bearable, but mostly to stay benign.

In these times I reach for my faith.  As small as a mustard seed, yet I can move mountains.  This is His promise to me.

A small seed of belief.  When given to Him, he plants it and grows a tree.  Shade for this aching body to rest and refresh.  We sit under together, I tell Him my fear.  I thank Him for the shade and this view of life. I realize that paused and planting seeds is beautiful, indeed.  I believe and see, the biggest party is yet to be.

STOP.

11
Cancer Journey/ Spiritual

Figuring Out What New Means & A Health Update

I have been talking about all things NEW here at New Nostalgia for awhile now…and by golly, would you believe I’m still learning key lessons on what it means to live new? (I hardly ever say ‘by golly’ but it sure is fun when I do!)

{#oneword –Word of the Year Personalized Vintage Dictionary Necklace from Krafty Kash}

The above verse is the one I claimed for this year, and I know better than to think that what God is saying in the verse is that this year will be problem free. But honestly, I did have my fingers crossed and my heart hoping.
I had just ended the year healing from 3 months of 3 surgeries and had some new ‘parts’ (va-va- voom!) so I was feeling very excited, hopeful and ready to start the new year.
I had even talked about how NEW meant ‘change’ for me. Doing things in a new way.  Figuring out what was not ‘working for me’ (as Dr. Phil always asks…”how’s that workin’ for ya?”) and trying something different.
But somehow it sunk into my heart that “pathway through the wilderness” and that “rivers or streams through the desert” would look a certain way.  Especially when it came to my health.  I thought I would find some relief from the constant side effects and symptoms from having cancer.  Pathways in wilderness and streams in deserts sound pretty relieving after all, don’t they?
Well, God’s ways are always higher and different than what our wants and ways would be.  This is another thing I should know by now, but it is so easy forget.  His ways are higher, mysterious, and always good. I trust that fully.
So I have another look at the above verse, Isaiah 43:19 and I feel He is saying to me:
“Amy…do you not see it?”
 
 “I’ve made a pathway, I AM that stream. Follow me.  Walk easy into what I have for you…with wilderness surrounding, the unknown pulling for you thoughts…keep them on me.  For I am walking with you.  I made that path.  I know what is up ahead.  There will be times I will be carrying you, but mostly we will just be easy walking together, with life swirling around and temptations lurking, it will get easier and you will be surprised by our leisure hand-in-hand walking. This is what is NEW.  Your thoughts will be new.  Your focus will be new.  I have and am making you new this day and everyday.  The world you live in and circumstances that come your way are the wilderness. I am with you, child, so hold my hand, do not get distracted and do not fear.”
Oh and that stream?
“I have for you streams of living water that will give you strength and life.  I will refresh your soul.  I will lead you to exactly what you need. Your eyes are on me so you will not miss the life I have for you.  As a dear pants for water you long for this and I am here to give you an abundant life, where waters flow in and through you, spreading my abundant life source to others, for it never runs out.  When you are weary, drink.  When you are hurting or have been hurt by another, turn to me & drink.  Do not go running off into the wilderness frantic and needy.  I have all you need.  I am all you need.  This is the change.  This is what is new.  You will be turning to me more and more with ease, as your trust in me grows, as you remember all that I have done for you and how I have never left or forsaken you.”
Ahhhh…true refreshment.  How could I want for more?
These reminders come with some new symptoms that I have been having.
During my surgeries I had pleurisy and pleural effusion (fluid on the lung and lung inflammation).  It is not super common during surgery and it threw my surgeon a bit.  They put me on antibiotics and I felt better…until recently.  I am having pain in my left lung.  Not as painful as when I had pleurisy but very noticeable.  I am also short of breath and get winded just walking up stairs.  I have noticed cold weather we have been having irritates it when I am out in it.
I have been to the doctor and they are suspicious of radiation damage to my lung.  It is on the left side that was radiated and can be common in breast cancer survivors.  I knew when I had treatment that I would be dealing with side effects from treatment in the future, but I thought it would be when I am in my 50’s, 60’s or 70’s.  Not this soon.
I have an appointment with my Oncologiest on the 19th, where I will have full blood workup and a chest X-ray.  As much as I hate to do more radiation to the area (radiation is accumulative, and I have had a lot of it) they need to know what we are dealing with.  The lung is a common place for breast cancer to metastasize, so we need to rule that out.  It is also the exact area where my tumor came .1mm from my chest wall, so that makes me a little nervous.  The thing that I hold on to is that they did a chest MRI back in December, and nothing suspicious showed up there.  Just fluid and inflammation.  The problem is, there is always a reason for pleural effusion.  To fix it, you need to find the underlying cause.
It is funny when you are hoping for radiation damage.  Not that I want that at all, but it is much, much better than hearing cancer is back. If breast cancer comes back in an organ, it is an automatic stage 4.
I am also curious about how my heart is doing.  The chemo and radiation both effect the heart, fluid on the lung can be a sign that the heart is damaged, too.
Honestly, I am doing well with all of this. I am not fearful of it being cancer, although I very well know statistically where I fall and that it could be.
I struggled more with being disappointed that my NEW year with my NEW word was not working out as I had planned.  Notice the ‘my’ and ‘I’ in that statement.  Yeah, I’ve been working that out with God.
I found myself mourning my youth and a youthful body, as reality is I feel old.  The hormone blockers make me feel very old with hot flashes and all things menopause related.  I have been having lots of joint pain and stiffness on this new med. And now it looks like I have an old lady lung.  One of my first thoughts when I heard what this pain could be was “now I will never run a marathon.”  Not that I ever would have….but it ticks me off that I probably couldn’t even if I wanted to. From all I have read it seems like radiation lung damage is permanent and if anything can get worse over time.  Poo.
So yes, it was a hard week last week processing all of this, and I questioned God about the verse He gave me.  And He was close.  And He showed me where my thinking needed to change.  And He held me when I mourned.  And He has given me an extreme peace while I wait for my next appointments.
This is what walking on the path with Him looks like.  RELATIONSHIP.  Telling Him of my fears, questioning Him, processing with Him.  He is ever so close and faithful.  This week the two of us just paused on the path together, He held me & listened, then reminded me of all His promises, and told me to drink.  I am refreshed.  I have eyes to see.  I have NEW hope, purpose, & peace.
20
Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

He Is Making Me

I spent most of the day yesterday making appointments.  Not just for me, but for my family, as I have fallen behind in life during my surgeries and the holidays. 

~Orthodontist (2 girls)
~Ophthalmologist (3 of us)
~Dentist (2 of us)
~Pediatrician 
~Parent Teacher Conference 
~Counselor
~Oncologist #1 (Zoladex shot)
~Oncologist #2 (6 month check up)
~OB (follow up on pelvic ultrasound)
~Plastic Surgeon (2 month followup)
~Hair Stylist (me)
February is full of appointments, but I still felt good about it all.  It felt great to get things on the calendar that I have not been able to get to.  At least it did yesterday.
Today, I need an attitude check.  I no longer feel great about a month full of appointments, because I’ve had to add a few more. 
My sweet friend Ann was here with me this morning and we were sharing our hearts.  I told her that I have had some new side effects from the new meds I am taking–joint pain in my feet, ankles, spine and hips.  She understands as she has been living with rheumatoid arthritis for at least 15 years.  She knows joint pain, and has shown me what it looks like to walk through life with pain and grace.
I also told her that I have been having some chest pains that remind me very much of when I had pleurisy and pleural effusion after surgery about a month ago.  The pain is not as severe as it was, but very noticeable on my inhale and causes me to breath shallow.  I’m also feeling a little breathless, and have to stop mid-sentence at times to take a breath in.  It has kept me up at night.
My Ann gently encouraged me that it was time to call the Doc.
I needed that push. You see, I chose the word NEW as my word of the year.  I am healing very nicely from surgery and everything does feel new and fresh.  I have REALLY been enjoying that feeling, and if I had it my way…that nice, shiny, new, no-problem feeling would stay around for a bit…if I had it my way. 
So I start dialing.

Being a cancer patient, one question we often run up against is “which doctor do I call?”  I have my 6 month checkup February 19 with my oncologist, and if I had my way, they would move it up for me and see me now due to my chest pain.  They have a lab right there in office, and an x-ray machine.  It would be easy, one appointment, nice and tidy.  But that is not usually how it goes..and it didn’t.
I called my oncologist and because my surgeon was the one to deal with the pleurisy a month ago, she said to call him.  I had a feeling she would say that.
I called my plastic surgeon’s office and his nurse was so very sweet, but she said exactly what I knew she would.  “You need to call your primary care doctor and be seen and let her listen to your lungs.”
Now I’m sitting here, not dialing and honestly….pouting.
I don’t want another appointment.  I love my primary care doc, but I know she will be thorough and order a whole bunch of tests, which will send me around the city of Lincoln and cause me to have to make more appointments. 
After making all these phone calls while my dear Ann was still hear, I received a call from my OB with results from an ultrasound I had last week.  It was to make sure the shots I take really has shut down hormones.  This is important as I am taking a med should only be taken if a woman is in menopause.  The OB nurse told me I need to be seen to discuss the ultrasound.  There is still what they think is a cyst on my ovary which surprised us all, because I am on shots that cause chemical menopause.  
This is when I got upset.  
I’m taking these shots so I would not have to deal with these cysts anymore.  The news that it is still there really surprised me.  I’m not happy about it.
This is when my Ann, after holding my face with both hands and giving me a hug, started to sing a song.  A song that she could not get out of her head. She asked me if I had heard it.  
We looked it up on YouTube and listened together.  I have listened to it 3 times since she left.
Here is what I am reminded of through this song:
There has to be broken to be healed
There has to be empty to be filled
There has to be loneliness, to know our desire is really for Him
He is making me.  
Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken
I heard the beginning of the song, and my immediate thoughts were..”I don’t want to be broken.  I don’t want to heal anymore.” Yep, right smack in the middle of my pity party.
But I know my God.  I know He is healer.  I know He is faithful.  I know how amazingly precious the moments have been with Him in my most broken state.  Precious moments I would not trade.
I do not want to become calloused and unfeeling.  This is what I feel when I start thinking of ‘what-ifs’ and worry about the future and all these crazy appointments!  My head spins, my thoughts worry, my heart pouts & I become distracted and numb. This is NOT what I want.  
I want a heart wide open.  So yes, Lord, make me broken.
Make empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty
Did you notice above how many times I said “if I had it my way”?  Tight grasped holding onto my will.  Oh why do I want it?  Have I not seen?  Have I not heard? 

Isaiah 40: 28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard?The Everlasting God, the LORD, the creator of the ends of the earthDoes not become weary or tired.His understanding is inscrutable.He gives strength to the weary,And to him who lacks might He increases power.Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly,Yet those who wait for the LORDWill gain new strength;They will mount up with wings like eagles,They will run and not get tired,They will walk and not become weary.

I am completed when you are with me.
[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
My one true love, my desire, my breath my everything.  Sounds like a Valentine.  So fitting for February.  
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
“Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely
Oh boy this is a tough one.  One I am doing battle with.  I want to be heard & understood.  Cared for. Loved.  Held.  
God knows the desires of my heart.  He cautions me to not want anyone or anything more than Him.  He tells me He will hold me in the dark, fully known, fully loved.
[Chorus}
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me
Yes, my word of the year is ‘NEW‘ and my Ann reminded me today that He is making me new daily.  He gives me a new day, gives me new strength, and opens my eyes to the new.
So I will set aside my pity party, and make the phone call.  Maybe.
Or I might wait until the 19th for my 6 month checkup and see what my blood work says and if Oncologist is concerned and pain is still there, she can order a chest x-ray to be done in her office.  I will see what my body tells me in the next day or two.  If it stays the same or gets worse, I will call my doctor.  If it gets better, I will wait.
In the meantime, I will listen to the song one more time, and remember:
There has to be broken to be healed
There has to be empty to be filled
There has to be loneliness, to know our desire is really for Him
He is making me.  

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