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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Chemo Round 3

Well, tomorrow is Chemo Round 3.  I have mixed emotions about it.  I am excited to just get on with it as we stretched it out to 4 weeks in between treatments instead of the normal 3 weeks due to low blood counts, and my desire to be feeling well for my girls spring break.

 I am apprehensive as I know with this round, I will get the shot that brings on the bone pain and spirals me into a weakness that is hard to explain. 

I also will be getting the test results back from the side pain I have been having (details on my Caring Bridge journal).  I won’t lie, I am afraid of what could be coming my way with those results.  

My mind could easily get carried away with the “what -ifs” and heads there too often despite my fight to keep truth in mind.  

 I plan on blasting the song “Lovely Day” tomorrow morning before chemo, it always brightens my day.  The phrase in the chorus “Heaven on the inside, my soul is gonna fly away” is one that is comforting to me.  I have Jesus in my life –Him in me– and because of that my soul can soar daily, no matter what the circumstances.  

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Hope

I love the above video and song.  So much.

The moment the wall comes crashing own, is the moment of hope.  We come, with these bricks of burden.  These things that we cannot save ourselves from. There is nothing we can do but lay them down, or we crumble under the weight of them.

Surrender.

I’ve been bringing my bricks, some days hurling my them in despair, sometimes so weak, whether it be physically or emotionally, that I can barely carry them there.  I certainly have not been stacking them nice and neatly as my normal, controlling self would, because life is no longer nice and neat.  Cancer wreaks havoc on order.

“When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn’t move came crashing down”
“We were free and made alive, the day that True Love died”

Here is the beautiful thing.  These bricks I bring, I no longer am bringing them to an impenetrable wall that keeps me from God.

I am bringing them to a cross, where blood and water spilled for me. For you.  Because of this pooling of love at the foot of a cross, we now have access to the Almighty God.  We have hope.

 Perfect paid for the imperfect. 

His death created a way for us to lay down our bricks, and have them covered with something beautiful. I love how the video shows piles of rubble that turn into green lushness.  Green life.

Green grace.

We ha ave hope of forever because by His spilled blood, we are healed.  We are washed whiter than snow and made new!  Love conquers all and covers all.

For True Love did not stay dead.  He took those bricks with him to the grave, then came back to us from death.  He conquered death!  His love is what did this, and because of it, we have access to God, now, and forever.

I don’t know what I would do without this hope.  I have been coming so often to that cross, to lay down my burdens.  To confess sin.  I come so I can have eyes to see what He has done for me.  To be reminded of the eternal, to get my head out of the here and now.  I come and He is there.  He knows my every thought.  He comforts me, His child, and I leave once again reminded that I am not alone and that I don’t need to have answers because He does.  He is Perfect Love with the answers, and because of this,  I have hope.

May I ask, friends, what about you?  Does this resonate with you? Are there bricks you bring?  Are you faltering under the weight of them?  Are you so buried that you feel unseen, or want to be unseen?  Know this.  The Father sees you, AND HE LOVES YOU, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, NO MATTER WHAT.  He’s already taken care of those bricks, so if you want to rest, if you want hope, lay them down.  Get to know the Creator, the Almighty, the one who sent True Love to die so that we could experience true love and hope.

Psalm 51:7  Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Psalm 68:19  Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Selah
Isaiah 53:5  But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.
2 Corinthians 5:17  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Romans 14:13  May God, the source of hope, fill you with joy and peace through your faith in him. Then you will overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Learning To Dance

I sat at Starbucks for a few hours yesterday and spent some time reading God’s Word.  I came upon the parable of the Sower in Matthew 13.  It inspired this…
I am a seed planted lovingly by the Gardener.
He is in Control.

He takes care of me.

The seeds He plants are special. 
Special because He gives them choice
He lets me choose whether or not I will allow Him to sustain me.
He knows what is best for me. 
He watches over me when the storms and winds come. 
He asks me to remain planted, and allow Him to do the work. 
He asks me to just submit and to keep my face upturned to Him,  
 
Face turned, I dance in worship to the One who gives beauty and life.
At times the gardener must strip me, and it is painful. 
I wonder if I’ll survive the deadheading, the pruning.
Petals fade, head hangs low. 
It takes great effort –choice— to turn upward.

The season is cold, I lie waiting, the loneliness overwhelms.
I know my Gardener is there.
I believe His promise,
He cares for me, though I am weak and small.
 I know this, yet do I really trust Him?
In this storm, within the fierce winds, I hear His whisper…
”Trust deeper, my beloved one. I am here”
“Do you believe me?”
I want to. 
I want to believe that He will breath life into mine and make me strong again. 
I believe that spring will come
 But there is the problem.
I want spring to look a certain way. 
I want spring to bring the familiar.
I want to be planted in the same place that I was before, amongst those whom I love.
My Gardner knows this, yet whispers
“Deeper still…let’s go deeper.  Let the roots take hold”
He gently picks up my head and tells me to look around. 
I do and I see something
It takes me by surprise; it is so off-putting –so ugly.
 Weeds.

 I have replanted myself and have emerged into a place of shallow soil. 
Where can my roots go?
I am here, in the shallow, surrounded with weeds created by me.
As I laid in despair, weeds named “Fear” and “Control” sprung up and have choked.
They have stunted my growth.
They have taken my ability to re-seed and multiply the beauty of my Gardener.
When did this happen?
How quickly and easily they have come!
It started with one; he calls himself “Fear.” 
He has many friends
Their names:
“Anxiety” 
“Control”
“Selfishness”
“Resentment”
These weeds have seen my thwarted plans and losses,
They have taken advantage of my vulnerability.
I didn’t keep my face lifted, and in they quickly crept
The “friend” most familiar right now is “Resentment.”
He pretends to keep me company and points out others
They are unhealthy, but not yet diseased, as I am.
The question comes as I look at them –“why me?”
What an ugly question to ask
That is the moment “Resentment” introduces me to “Self-Pity”
I hang my head in shame
Oh my Gardener, forgive me!
Forgive me for allowing these weeds, these hideous pretenders,
They replace the real Truth
They take my face from You!
You have promised plans for me. 
I want those perfect plans
I want to take root and say “Come what may”
Please pull these weeds out of my way.
Rescue me.
Show me how to get out
Plant me by a stream of living water.
Where I can drink the peace that you promise to give
A peace that is hard comprehend.
I have known such a sweet peace.
I have tasted it before
I long for it again.
You tell me to lift my head toward You and empty my worry
You tell me to ask you for help
You tell to practice thankfulness, and to keep dancing, even in the storm

This is what brings peace
You pick me up and replant me exactly where I belong,
You shine on me and give me life
I will forever lift my head and dance for you, My Gardener

Philippians 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 58:11
“You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

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FAMILY/ Parenting/ Spiritual

To Err On The Side Of Grace


Last spring, our beloved Amy wrote a beautiful guest post for me.  In it, she allowed us a peek inside her mission for her home – that it might be a place filled with joy, an overflow of her experience with the Ultimate Joy.

Her words have crawled into my mind and I often think about the atmosphere I long for and the one that, in all reality, I create.  As I’ve thought this through and sought God’s heart on how my children can experience our home as a place of joy, I realize more and more that before our home will be consistently joyful, I must consistently fall before the Father and plead with Him that I might be filled with grace.

Over and over throughout the New Testament, we are reminded of the pivotal role of grace in the gospel of Good News.  Without grace – unmerited favor from our God – there would be no gospel.  Without grace, there is no Good News.

I’m learning more and more every day how to extend grace to those around me – to neighbors and strangers, to those who I relate to and those I disagree with, to my husband and to my friends.

How is it possible that it is so difficult to extend grace to my own children?

When I hold up my words, my tone, my actions, and my thoughts to the truth of God’s Word, this is a glaring example of my weakness and my need for surrender (once again).

“Let your conversation always be full of grace . . .” Colossians 4:6

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”  Hebrews 12:15


Oh, how how often my conversations with my children lack grace.  Oh, how often they miss the grace of God in my interactions with them.  Oh, how I wish that weren’t true.

I have to think that this is the hardest context in which to extend grace because it is the one dynamic in which I am responsible for both encouragement and correction.  It’s so easy to become consumed in the correcting and lose a heart that is soaked in grace.

And yet.

Grace is unmerited favor, and I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father extends grace towards me even as He corrects me, that His favor towards me is evident even as He responds to my disobedience.  And if my children will grow to understand God as Parent through the ways in which they experience me, I’ve decided I want to err on the side of grace every time.

In chapter 4 of his letter to the church, James reminds us that it is God who gives us more grace.  

More grace, more grace, more grace, more grace.  

I whisper it all day long.

Further reading:

Families Where Grace Is In Place – Jeff VanVonderen
Grace-Based Parenting – Tim Kimmel
Any and all of Ann Voskamp’s reflections on mothering

Megan is a wife of twelve years and mama to two beautiful girls.  She writes on natural living, mothering, and faith atSortaCrunchy.

photo source

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Spiritual

Coping Through Songs

This has been a theme song in my life for about the last 4 years.  It now has new meaning, but is still so familiar and comforting.  It is one that I have been going to often the last few days, for encouragement.

(hope the link works, brain fog kept me from figuring out an easier way get this song on here!)

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it’s burning bright for You
It’s everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

[CHORUS]
I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father’s hands

[CHORUS]

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
Nothing I cannot do
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There’s nothing I can’t do
Nothing I can’t do

I’m gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire 



And for those times I forget these truths, those times I walk away with my thoughts and actions from my God, this following song is one that gets me right back on track.  I love me some Britt Nicole!

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

A Double Dad Day

Today truly was a wonderful day, with a little melt down thrown in to keep things interesting.:)

My dad and step mom came to visit and go to church with us. It was so great to see and hug them, and it was so comforting just having them sit with us in church and to worship together.  We were then treated to lunch, and spoiled with brand new Nebraska Husker shirts for the whole family from Grandpa.  I love mine.  It is a cozy, warm fleece. It will be wonderful for fall, and I will feel wrapped in my dad’s love when I wear it.

Once home, I was quite tired and looking forward to a nap.  I realized I was supposed to take a certain medication in preparation for my first chemo treatment tomorrow, and sent Todd off to Walgreen’s to pick it up.  When I took the medication, I realized it was a steroid treatment to keep me from having an allergic reaction to the chemo.  I have to tell you, it is hard to go from a pretty “all- natural” type girl, to a girl with a large Ziploc bag full of all kinds of drugs.  I felt the steroids kick in, and this is when I had a bit of a melt down.  I was ready for a nap, but instead felt jittery, sweaty, and nauseous.

My fit was about loss of freedom.  I feel like I have lost the freedom to decide what to do with my time, what to put into my body, and even when to eat and sleep.  I cried to my husband & he listened. Then I wrote in my journal and just “kept on keeping on.” (the advice of a wise reader–thank you!)

I felt God whispering even in the midst of my tears that HE is in control.  HE has led me to the right doctors, and I have to trust Him to lead me to whatever He desires for me to put into my body.  Right now, it has to be what the doctors are telling me, so I can fight this head on.  The sermon at church today was about trusting God’s divine, sovereign, and perfect plan for our lives.  Trusting in His timetable.  I keep feeling Him tell me to just rest and trust.  Surrendering my fears, feeling them, then giving them to Him.  Releasing them.  This means even releasing my cancer treatment and all it entails to Him, knowing He is in control.

An hour or so after I had calmed down, I got a surprise visit from my father-in-law.  It was perfect timing to just get another reassuring hug from a dad who loves me.  God knows just what I need and provides it  at just the right time.  After he left, we sat down to a meal that was lovingly prepared for us by a good friend.  The rest of this evening I have just been basking in the love of my Father, grateful for the two dad’s He has put in my life.  Their love reminds me how deep and great is the Father’s love for me!

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