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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Good To Be Alive

Rainy Downtown Day

Well, it has been back to school week here at the Bowman house.  I have to admit, I AM LOVING the quiet and time to think, work & clean!  I feel a sense of relief that we made it through summer and I was able to balance being a mom and blogger.

Honestly, it was one of the first summers that didn’t end with a feeling regret.  In the past, I would regret how I spent my time, words I used, impatience I had with my kids, money I spent.  The list goes on.

I’ve been reflecting on what has made the difference.  I think growth happens as we age.  I also think I am experiencing the positives of going through a life threatening illness and the perspective it brings. It is funny how life can grow a person, how God uses the hard in life to stretch us and show us what is important.  I also think listing the gifts has changed me dramatically, it sure helps put life into perspective and trains my eyes to see life through the lens of contentment.

I know grace has a lot to do with it, for I was not perfect. Far from it.  I have learned to give grace and accept grace in those imperfect moments, stopping and realizing ‘life is not an emergency” as Ann Voskamp says. I’ve learned that it is ok for life to not go exactly how I think it should, to stop and take a breath, to let go of expectation and perfection.  These are all things that have contributed to growth.

I have always loved my kids, but since being sick, I have fallen hard for them.  I feel focused on the moments, and I find myself whispering aloud thanksgiving for those moments, in the moment.  Thanksgiving changes a person.  It has changed me.

Precious is the word that keeps coming to mind.  Precious children, precious husband, precious time, precious life.  Life is a precious gift, one that I hold near and dear and do not take for granted.  Folks, it IS GOOD TO BE ALIVE.

I am on a little mom/daughter date with my youngest today.  We went to breakfast, got rained on at the Farmers Market, snuggled under an umbrella, enjoyed 2 elevators in 2 parking garages (lil one loves elevators) and are now sitting in a coffee shop eating brownies and relaxing.  Precious moments.

On the way here, I heard a song in the car that is the perfect life theme song for me right now.  It puts all I am feeling into words.  I especially love part that says “I won’t take it (life) for granted, I won’t waste another second.  All I want is to give you a life well lived to say Thank You.”  Oh for the grace to make this continuously true in my life.

by Jason Grey
Hold on, is this really the life I am living?
‘Cause I don’t feel like I deserve it
Every day that I wake and every breath 
that I take you’ve given

Right here, right now 
while the sun is shining down

I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow
Love like I’m on borrowed time
it’s good to be alive, yeah, yeah

Hold on if the life that we’ve been given
Is made beautiful in the living
And the joy that we get 
brings joy to the heart of the Giver

Then right here, right now
This is the song I’m singing out

I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow
Love like I’m on borrowed time
it’s good to be alive
I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow
Love like I’m on borrowed time
it’s good to be alive, yeah

I won’t take it for granted
I won’t waste another second 
All I want is to give you
A life well lived to say, “Thank you”

 

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Spiritual

Be Still

Source: etsy.com via Ange on Pinterest

I’m still reading my devotional book called Jesus Calling.  I read through it while I was sick and the words brought so much life and perspective during my fight.  The words are familiar as I read through it once again, and I find them sinking deeper into my soul.

Today’s reading was so perfect for where I am at right now.  I feel the busy-ness and business of life pulling at me, and I have not taken the time to just Be Still lately.  At least not enough time.  This week I am going to do a better job at just being still.  I will be purposeful in taking some moments to just breathe, reflect, meditate and pray.

God often gives me things to read that affirm what had already been stirring in my heart.  Love that.

I had to share.

————————

Jesus Calling
by Sarah Young
March 27

BE STILL IN MY PRESENCE, even though countless tasks clamor for your attention.  Nothing is as important as spending time with Me.  While you wait in My Presence, I do My best work within you: transforming you by the renewing of your mind. If you skimp on this time with Me, you may plunge headlong into the wrong activities, missing the richness of what I have planned for you.

Do not seek Me primarily for what I can give you.  Remember that I, the Giver, am infinitely greater than any gift I might impart to you.  Though I delight in blessing My children, I am deeply grieved when My blessings become idols in their hearts.  Anything can be an idol if it distracts you from Me as your First Love.  When I am the ultimate Desire of your heart, you are safe from the danger of idolatry.  As you wait in My Presence, enjoy the greatest gift of all: Christ in you, the hope of Glory!

   Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is_his good, pleasing and perfect will
Romans 12:2

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. 
Revelation 2:4

To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Colossians 1:27


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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

It Is No Coincidence & A Health Update

It is no coincidence that as I drive away from the familiar building, my radio is set to 89.9.

It is no coincidence that as tears drop down my face, out- of- the- blue large rain drops, the biggest I’ve seen, shower my windshield.  I imagine God-sized tears.  I know He feels with me.

The sky is grey and I’m trying not to be.  I pass an retirement center & a sad longing enters.  I want to grow old.  “Lord, I want to grow old!”

It is no coincidence that as that whisper leaves my lips that another enters my brain. “I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.”

The rain is intense, making it hard to see.  Should I brace myself for a storm?  I’m surprised how fear has been replaced with sadness.  That is not a coincidence, for God and I have done much work on fear.  Sadness seems easier. Calmer.  A relief, but not.

I drive just a couple more blocks.  The rain stops as suddenly as it came on.

The song on the radio catches my attention–the word “beloved,” for it is what my name means.  I’ve always loved the meaning of my name.

I listen intently, the words soothe & prepare.  I find the melody and the same words running through my head the next day, in weak moments.  I realize the song was given as a gift, its perfect words not a coincidence. I am determine to receive it. I lift my eyes and open my hands.

Almost home now, my eyes keep lifting.  I am searching for the rainbow, for it is still raining but the sun is shining.  I don’t find one, but I’ve seen God’s promise before, so I will keep my eyes lifted. What I find will be no coincidence.

And now, I’m home.

______________________

Health Update:

I went in for my ‘every 3 month’ checkup.  There is a thickening in the area that my tumor used to be.  Doc can also feel the same lymph node we have been watching.  Because I have had some burning sensations there (symptoms I presented with 2 years ago) and because my cancer margin was so close to the chest wall (1 mil.), she is going to be extra cautious with me.  The plan is to check it out with an MRI.  We need insurance to approve it first, so we won’t know anything for a week or two.

We are hoping it is just scar tissue.

I am doing fine with it. After my tears that I spoke of above, I really have felt ok and at peace.  Pretty used to this stuff, at least as used to it as I think I will get.  It is never comfortable, the wondering & ‘what-if’s’ but it is familiar and I’ve been through it before, and I have a great God who calls me Beloved!

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Books/ Spiritual

Saturday Giveaway//Seriously God? Book

For today’s giveaway, one reader will receive a copy of Jen Smith’s Seriously God? book.

Seriously God?  
I’m Doing Everything I Know to Do and It’s Not Working!

I was sitting having coffee with a friend, Leila and she pushed a book across the table to me.  The title of it caught my eye.  Seriously God? I’m Doing Everything I Know to Do and It’s Not Working.  Now that my friends, is a title and tagline, wouldn’t you say?  Who hasn’t felt this way?


My friend Lelia has all kinds of great connections and knows the author, Jen Smith, personally.  As I was thumbing through the book, I said “Boy, I would love to read this and I think my readers would love it, too!”  That is all I had to say and Leila was on her phone texting Jen.  Before I knew it, I had my own copy of this beautiful book and was spending time in my favorite coffee shops with highlighter in hand, eagerly eating up every word Jen wrote.


This book was a huge encouragement to me.  Jen takes you right to the Words of God.  Right to the words that He uses to describe Himself! She talks about what it means to live life “in the name of Jesus” & in order to do that, she explains how we need to have a firm grasp on who He claims to be. She walks through 7 statements that Jesus made about Himself that start with the words “I Am.”  This intrigued me.  I was intrigued that in order to acknowledge the “nothing’s working” statement, Jen takes us directly to what and WHO makes all things work together.  


She does not give pat answers, but takes us to these amazing statements and stories that God tells of himself, and also shares her own struggles and story, which gives the book a wonderful personal feel.  


Below are the 7 “I Am” Statements.  I added some of my own thoughts and highlights that I marked throughout the book to give you a glimpse of what I learned from this great read.


______________

I am the Bread of Life
He knows what we need and meets them. “There is a huge difference in coming to Jesus to have our needs met, and coming to him because He is the only thing we need.” 

I am the Light of the World
“Light always brings security where darkness brought fear.”

I am the Door of the Sheep
His focus is on us.  He cares deeply & is aware of our needs and situation.  Our path.

I am the Good Shepherd
He will lead, guide & protect.

I am the Resurrection & the Life
He is both Divine & Human.  He gets it.  He gets us.  He knows our human emotions, & He also has the power to raise the dead & raise from the dead.

I am the Way the Truth and the Life
He doesn’t just teach truth, He is the Truth..He doesn’t represent life, He is Life.

I am the True Vine
Simply abiding, believing & obeying has the power to transform our lives. Will we become people who act on what they know or not?

_______________

Because of this book, I feel like I know my Savior more intimately and deeply.  When life throws its curves, I can remember these statements–that He is good, that He is all I need, that He is Life & Light!  I can live life in His name, empowered to believe, obey and walk forward.  

Thank you, Jen, for sharing yourself and this great book with me and my readers!







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Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Honestly?


{Honestly by Vota}
Honestly can I tell you where I’m at
Honestly can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am?

If you don’t see the real me you won’t see what mercy’s done.
If you don’t see my weakness you won’t see what love has won
If you don’t see the distance form the darkness to the sun
You won’t see.  Honestly

Honestly, I’m growing sick and tired
Honestly it hurts too much to hide
Brokenness that’s killing us inside

Let the light escape from this hole inside my soul
When I start to break then grace begines to flow
Let the light escape from this lonely place inside my soul
Honestly
_______________

Can I be honest with you?  A little confession?

It was much easier being real, being honest, admitting struggle, admitting fault…when I was sick.

Sickness was almost an excuse to not have it all together.  People would understand that I didn’t have it all together.

My body is in remission, but honestly, my soul is still sick.  In need of a Saviour.  Daily.  Every moment.

I want to continue to be real, to write honest, to soul connect with others.  This takes a vulnerablility.

It is so refreshing when other soul connectors are willing to put the perfect down and show up real.  It is so life giving to read of women who don’t have it all together, because who does?  Not I.

So these are my thoughts.  I want to write real.  Honestly.

“If you don’t see the real me you won’t see what mercy’s done.
If you don’t see my weakness you won’t see what love has won”

The real me…

…wonders if I will ever be content pleasing God, rather than man.  Just when I think I am free of this, another layer.  I tell a girlfriend a few weeks ago that I feel more free in this area.  Ha!  There have been constant tests to that the minute those words came from my mouth!  Layers.

…would be horrified if you saw my closet right now.  Or my laundry room.  Or my car trunk.  Mess!

…fears that I will never be able to express just how amazing it is to know Jesus.  How do you tell of such love and peace?  What words describe God made flesh?

…still wonders what people think of my ears when I wear a ponytail.  Oh to have ears that were flat to my head.

…feels ashamed that I sent my sweet girl off to school with tears.  She snapped all morning at everyone, and right before she got out of the car, I had had enough and snapped back.  I wanted to show her how it felt.  I became child. She walked away with tears.  Oh God, heal the hurts I cause.  Erase from little brains, or at least show them that mercy covers the real me.  The real them.

If you see good in me, 
It is He who you see.
Not me.

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Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Please Don’t Let Me Go





Please don’t let me go

I’ve seen days
Where the nights don’t end
I’ve seen strangers
I used to call friend

How can I begin to trust
In the fact that You’d never let me go
Been left so many times
Feel like nobody could know

The sound that my heart makes
When it starts to break
And the pain that I hate
Waits for me everyday

And yet I lie awake
Alive and still breathin’
Hopin’ that this time in my life
Is just a season

Believin’ the words
You spoke to Your people
How you’d never leave
Even though we couldn’t see You

How You would make us prosper
Even though we couldn’t pay You
Back now there’s nothing I lack

Please don’t let me go
If I can’t have Your love
My hearts got no where to go
Only You can rescue me

Please don’t let me go
I’d be lost inside a dying world
Just trying to find my home
It’s with You I belong
Please don’t let me go

I remember the moments life was a blur
An adolescent spirit, far from mature
I couldn’t tell between a friend or a foe
So alone I remained, looked to the sky for hope


It’s hard to feel alive when you’re cold
It’s hard to reach the sky when you’re low
Sunlight is hard to find in a storm
How can I give love if my souls been torn


A broken vessel, you call it a master piece
No eye can see how deeply You’re in love with me
Honestly I can’t love me how You love me
But obviously there’s something that You want from me


‘Cause You don’t want to let me go
Owner of the world but You want my soul
My heart is crying out, Lord, please take control
I need You and I don’t wanna let go

Please don’t let me go
If I can’t have Your love
My heart’s got no where to go
Only You can rescue me

Please don’t let me go
I’d be lost inside a dying world
Just trying to find my home
It’s with You, I belong
Please don’t let me go

(Don’t let me go)
Please don’t let me go
(Don’t let me go)
Please don’t let me go

And I’ve seen who I could be
Without You close to me
I can’t recognize that person
Staring back at me

And You’ve seen how my heart breaks
From the choices I have made
I know Your love can take it all away

Please don’t let me go
If I can’t have Your love
My heart’s got no where to go
Only You can rescue me

Please don’t let me go
I’d be lost inside a dying world
Just trying to find my home
It’s with You, I belong

I stumbles upon this timely song this morning.  A beautiful reminder that not only will He never let me go, but He knows me so intimately that he has me “engraved in the palm of His hand.”

Held.
Cherished.
Beloved.
Never alone.
Never let go.
Safe.

What better place to be?
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