Hi Everyone!
For words to go with the pictures, please visit my Caring Bridge site.
Today truly was a wonderful day, with a little melt down thrown in to keep things interesting.:)
My dad and step mom came to visit and go to church with us. It was so great to see and hug them, and it was so comforting just having them sit with us in church and to worship together. We were then treated to lunch, and spoiled with brand new Nebraska Husker shirts for the whole family from Grandpa. I love mine. It is a cozy, warm fleece. It will be wonderful for fall, and I will feel wrapped in my dad’s love when I wear it.
Once home, I was quite tired and looking forward to a nap. I realized I was supposed to take a certain medication in preparation for my first chemo treatment tomorrow, and sent Todd off to Walgreen’s to pick it up. When I took the medication, I realized it was a steroid treatment to keep me from having an allergic reaction to the chemo. I have to tell you, it is hard to go from a pretty “all- natural” type girl, to a girl with a large Ziploc bag full of all kinds of drugs. I felt the steroids kick in, and this is when I had a bit of a melt down. I was ready for a nap, but instead felt jittery, sweaty, and nauseous.
My fit was about loss of freedom. I feel like I have lost the freedom to decide what to do with my time, what to put into my body, and even when to eat and sleep. I cried to my husband & he listened. Then I wrote in my journal and just “kept on keeping on.” (the advice of a wise reader–thank you!)
I felt God whispering even in the midst of my tears that HE is in control. HE has led me to the right doctors, and I have to trust Him to lead me to whatever He desires for me to put into my body. Right now, it has to be what the doctors are telling me, so I can fight this head on. The sermon at church today was about trusting God’s divine, sovereign, and perfect plan for our lives. Trusting in His timetable. I keep feeling Him tell me to just rest and trust. Surrendering my fears, feeling them, then giving them to Him. Releasing them. This means even releasing my cancer treatment and all it entails to Him, knowing He is in control.
An hour or so after I had calmed down, I got a surprise visit from my father-in-law. It was perfect timing to just get another reassuring hug from a dad who loves me. God knows just what I need and provides it at just the right time. After he left, we sat down to a meal that was lovingly prepared for us by a good friend. The rest of this evening I have just been basking in the love of my Father, grateful for the two dad’s He has put in my life. Their love reminds me how deep and great is the Father’s love for me!
Hi Everyone!
First off, I have to say just how thankful and overwhelmed I am by all the comments, thoughts, prayers and well-wishes. I read each and every comment, and when I am feeling down I come back and read them again. You all give me so much support, I can’t tell you what it means to me and just how blessed I feel to have you all along on this crazy cancer ride.
I wanted to let you know about a Caring Bridge site I created. It is where I will be giving daily, detailed updates on my health, so if that is something you want to follow, here is the link.
http://www.caringbridge.org/
I will still be posting here at New Nostalgia, and even hope to get back to some “normal, non-cancer type” posts in between chemo treatments, but for the nitty gritty details, Caring Bridge is the site to go.
I wanted to update all of you on what we know and what the plan is, so I just copied my journal entry I wrote at Caring Bridge tonight.
Here it is:
Hello Friends and Family,
I thought this Caring Bridge site would be the easiest way to keep you all informed with the details of each day. I will still be blogging at New Nostalgia, but this is where you need to come if you want daily detailed updates.
Today was a big day and I am super tired. I am sorry it is so late with an update, but my girls were priority tonight as we explained to them what they will be experiencing in the next few days/weeks.
We met with our Oncologist to hear all the results of tests and form a plan.
The MRI that was taken yesterday showed that the tumor is bigger than we thought. It measured 6 cm on the MRI, which bummed me out a bit. There are also some “suspicious” areas on my other breast, which was a bit of a surprise. They have not confirmed that this is cancer, but it is a concern. They do not think it is metastatic from original tumor, in other words, if it is cancer it formed independently from original tumor.
Because of the size of the lump, my Oncologist said I am Stage 3.
Statistically, that number scares me, but she reassured us that it is considered stage 3 not because it has spread elsewhere, but because of the size of the tumor.
Due to the large size of the tumor, they are going to shrink it with chemotherapy, before attempting to cut it out, which will prevent multiple surgeries and also tell us if the chemo type they choose actually will work on the type of cancer I have.
So the plan is:
Tomorrow-surgery for port placement. A port is placed in my chest so the chemo can go straight into a main artery and they won’t have to poke me so much, and it will save my veins. It is a simple outpatient surgery, at 12:30pm.
Monday-my first chemotherapy appt at 10:00am. It is about a 4 hour process. Sounds quite boring. She said to expect to come home pretty worn out, and expect a pretty rough week physically.
I will receive a chemo treatment every 3 weeks, 4 times. So about 4 months worth.
After my chemo treatments, I will be having a double mastectomy and during the same surgery will have implants placed. I expect this to be end of January, early February. Todd’s birthday is the 5th…Happy Birthday, Baby. Ha.
Hmmm, other details….
MRI showed a swollen lymph node, but it did not “light up” which means it may not have cancer in it:)
Bone Scan showed some “activity” of ribs. It does not show a lesion. It may be from injury (recently fell at skating rink and a heavy child fell right on my ribs) they are calling it negative for cancer but will recheck that area in the future.
MRI also showed some fluid around my heart. Because of this, they did an echo-cardiogram today. I have been having shortness of breath on the left side when I lay down, and a “heavy” feeling at the end of my exhale, so they want to make sure all is ok before chemo on Monday. I did not get the result from that yet. A bit nervous about it, I really struggle with unknowns…
That is it for now. I am so thankful to know there are so many out there who care and are pullin’ and praying for me.
I read every one of your facebook comments and blog comments, sometimes several times a day. You all give me so much strength and it means the world to me.
Not sure how sleepy I will be after port surgery, but I will have Todd or someone else let you know how the port placement went and results of echo tomorrow.
G’night!
So many body images taken
Vulnerable insides exposed
Ultrasound
X-rays
Cat scan
Bone scan
Pet scan
MRI
Images show so many shades of grey,
Sliced shapes of organs..
Tell me they are ok?
Images of this body of mine
Fragile with disease yet so strong
My brain works, fingers move
Digestion. Menstruation.
Walking. Talking. Fine.
But not.
Images show a cluster of cells that don’t belong
Cells that have the ability to meander
To go with the flow and end up where they may.
They multiply and make friends,
Their celebrating clusters destroy my tissues.
So we take images..
We peer into the insides
Looking for the “don’t belong’s”
I lay on display, cold and in dismay,
Enveloped in large, rotating tubes
Small tubes inject a solution
So we can find a solution
Tubes rotate
I lay and pray
For what my 3 girls will learn
At the end of this day.
The same 3 girls
Look at their own body image
So many times I’ve whispered,
“my lovelies, its what’s on the inside that matters“
This is one moment when I wish that were not true.
I peer deeper,
I see Him in whose Image I am made.
I find the solution.
Many of you are asking how I found the lump and why it was even on my radar screen.
10 years ago I had a suspicious lump. They removed the lump and it was negative. I was told I have Fibrocystic breasts, which basically means I have dense and lumpy tissue. I was instructed to get to know my lumps and be aware of any changes. Since then I have been a pretty faithful “lump checker”
(still getting used to talking about “lumps” and “breasts” in such a public manner. oh my…)
Last year I had a couple of areas on my right breast that worried me a bit. They decided to order a mammogram and an ultrasound. I was sent home with the diagnosis of breasts cysts, which are fluid-filled and no big deal. Nothing showed up on my left breast.
Around Christmas, I noticed a rather distinct lump on my left breast. After opening Christmas gifts, I made my sisters come in front of a mirror with me as I discretely showed them my concern. They were amazed that they could see the lump just by looking at the reflection in the mirror. Most lumps you can only feel. Now granted, I am not the most voluptuous woman in the world, so to see it would not be as hard on me as some, but its distinctness bothered me.
I went back to my physician. She agreed there was indeed a lump. She sent me to get an ultrasound. The radiologist just said it was normal tissue with a bit of scar tissue from my previous biopsy 10 years ago.
Fast forward to May, I felt the area was changing and was more distinct. I went back to my physician She sent me straight to a surgeon to have it evaluated for removal. This surgeon came highly recommended and is very well known in this area. I trusted her. She did a quick exam, and in the most confident manner said “I know what I am feeling is normal breast tissue” & “I am very confident that this is nothing.” “I do this every day and I know what I am feeling” She told me it felt distinct because of the scar tissue to the side of it from the previous biopsy, and the changes I “think” I am feeling are due to age (breasts get softer which would make the scar tissue seem more distinct) and a few pounds I had lost. Her explanation made sense to me. She was the most confident doctor I have ever talked to. I believed her.
Todd happened to come with me to that appointment and really pressed her. She kept giving us her same confident answers. I sat there feeling so relieved, but Todd pushed for at least another ultrasound, so we could compare it to the one I had around Christmas. She reluctantly gave in and wrote up and ultrasound order, and handed it to me flippantly and said “if you really need this for peace of mind, here you go”
We left feeling so very happy and relieved. I slipped the order into my purse and thought “maybe I should get it done before school gets out. I was in no hurry. I had never had a Dr so confidently tell me I was fine like she did. I trusted her. I should not have.
Kids got out of school for the summer, and following up on the ultrasound was in the back of my head, but the Dr made me feel like I was wasting my time, and we all know I like to procrastinate.
Throughout the summer I would periodically look a the lump and wonder if it was growing. I also had a hard time keeping weight on and noticed that I was losing a ton of hair with each shower I took. I thought it was lack of protein so I increased my protein. Weight loss and hair loss were the only two things out of the ordinary. Both were easy to ignore during a super fun summer with my girls, and I did not connect that at all to the lump. I still don’t know if they are connected or not…
Girls go back to school, I start having some pain below my left rib, in the spleen area. It started waking me up at night, so I went to the Dr. They ordered an ultrasound for my spleen and I thought to myself “I might as well get that lump looked at since I have an order, and hit two birds with one stone”
Ultrasound showed a very healthy spleen, but not a healthy breast.
They wanted me to have a biopsy as soon as possible.
I had a needle core biopsy -which was one of the most painful tests I have ever had! The stupid area would not numb during the procedure. Grr. I was not a happy girl leaving the clinic that day. Pain makes me MAD!
2 days later, the same surgeon that told me she was so very confident that what she was feeling was normal breast tissue, called my home and told me “I’m sorry, you have breast cancer.”
I froze. I knew I was in trouble because this lump has been around awhile. I started to hyperventilate, but then remembered I was home alone with my girls and 2 very rowdy neighbor kids. I pulled myself together in time to hear the doctor say “I’d like to set up a time for you to meet with me.”
I calmly but coldly reminded her that she was the doctor that told me I had nothing to worry about months ago, said I had no interest in seeing her again, then I hung up. I blame the shock for my rudeness.
How I feel about that doctor is something I think I still need to work through. I know she is human. I know she has done a lot of good for many other women in my situation. I just wish she were not so confident, her confidence kept me from feeling the urgency to get the ultrasound back in June. I need to forgive her and I think I have, but my emotions toward her are confusing.
I called my husband, he rushed home. The girls had Bible Club that night, so we had 3 hours alone, together. It was so surreal. We just kept looking at each other in disbelief. I started making phone calls, Todd took to the treadmill to walk it off.
I felt very lost without a doctor and had no idea where to start. I have so many good friends and family members who went to work right away trying to get names and recommendations. Even that process took some faith, as one person would highly recommend a doctor, then the next person would give me a list but say “do not go to so-and-so” which would be the very name I was just told to go to! We heard numerous times the best surgeon in town was the very doctor I hung up on. It was overwhelming, but even in the midst of it all, I knew God had the perfect doctor out there for me.
My sister -in -law’s sister, is married to a doctor here in town. They were on their way out of the country when my sister- in- law, Wendy, called them and asked what we should do, where we should go. He not only gave a recommendation but called the Oncologist and told her my story. It is only because of God working through that phone call that I was able to be seen by Thursday, two days before a long labor day weekend. I now know that was a huge blessing, as it is not easy to get into an oncologist so quickly, especially a good one. I got a lot of testing out of the way Thursday and Friday, which gave us a good jump start on the slew of tests that it takes, to stage and grade cancer.
I am so very thankful for my Oncologist and love her already. She is so very smart, kind, and tough. She is straightforward, but will also make jokes at appropriate times. For example, she is Indian and while listening to my heart, she says in her soft Indian accent “Oh, my. Your heart is going like a train. We must find a way to calm you” 🙂 It made me laugh which calmed me instantly.
As of now, here is what we know:
~I have breast cancer
~The tumor is 4 cm 6 cm!
~There is a suspicious, swollen lymph node under left arm pit.
~CAT scan is negative-Praise God!
~Bone scan is negative-Praise God!
*Tomorrow I will have an MRI and meet my surgeon for the first time
*Thursday I will have PET scan and have a big meeting with my Oncologist, in which she will tell us the grade and stage of the cancer and our battle plan.
*Friday-I will have surgery to place a port. More than likely, I will receive chemotherapy first, to shrink the size of my tumor, then surgery. The port is placed so the drugs can go directly to a main artery and so I won’t have to be poked a thousand times.
I sigh and smile (and pout) as I read this. I am supposed to be on a plane to Chicago to enjoy a week away at a conference with my husband. How quickly life can change.
I will do my best on this new journey, thanks for coming with me.
Fearing to launch on “full surrenders” tide,
I asked the Lord where would its waters glide
My little boat, “To troubled seas I dread?”
“Unto Myself,” He said.
Weeping beside an open grave I stood,
In bitterness of soul I cried to God:
“Where leads this path of sorrow that I tread?”
“Unto Myself,” He said.
Striving for souls, I loved the work too well;
Then disappointments came; I could not tell
The reason, till He said, “I am your all;
Unto Myself I call.”
Watching my heroes—those I love the best—
I saw them fail; they could not stand the test,
Even by this the Lord, through tears not few,
Unto Himself me drew.
Unto Himself! No earthly tongue can tell
The bliss I find, since in His heart I dwell;
The things that charmed me once seem all as naught;
Unto Himself I’m brought.
—from Streams In The Desert
It IS bliss when I surrender. When I rest. When I give Him my “what-if’s.” When I trust.
Oh Lord, help me to surrender, help me to not fear. Help me to stay in the boat and FIGHT, all the while surrendering to the Tide, no matter where YOU take me. You know what is best for YOUR purpose. You know what is BEST for me.
As some of you might have noticed, I have not posted in awhile.
I’ve been a bit busy— getting diagnosed with breast cancer.
How’s that for getting to the point?
I want you to all know that I am ready to fight this thing. I have so many who love me, and I have so much to fight for. The last few days have been surreal and quite honestly, some of the hardest of my life. I’ve already learned so much about myself, life, and love. I know this cancer thing is going to be a great teacher in my life. I’ve decided to allow it to do just that, but at the same time, will be doing everything in my power to kick it the heck outta here.
The tumor is quite large, 4 centimeters. {*update…MRI showed it to be 6 centimeters} There may be lymph nodes involved, we are still in the initial testing phase. I had a CT scan and a bone scan today, the CT scan did not show any other areas. Praise God! I will get bone scan reports on Tuesday. Next week will be a busy week of MRI, PET scan and meeting with my Surgeon, then Oncologist. We will know the exact stage the cancer is in and the plan of action by next Thursday. I’ve been told by my doctor to be ready for aggressive treatment, which she guesses will include chemotherapy first, to shrink the tumor, then surgery.
I’ve had many different moments the last few days. I have felt intense fear and anxiety to the point of physical sickness, but also moments of sweet peace and thankfulness. It’s quite a roller coaster, a scary one that quite frankly I would really like to get off of.
We told my three girls tonight (ages 11, 9 & 7). They were so very sweet. We cried together, they came to us for hugs, then they held each other. They asked lots of questions. We were very honest with them and will continue to be. They took it in a much more calm manner than what I expected, which was nice. They are processing and will continue to do so. We spent the last 10 minutes of our family meeting dreaming up a Halloween costume for their bald mama!:) The best we came of with was twins…my husband is bald. 🙂
This blog has always just been about my life. If we make a craft, I share it. A new recipe, I write about it. Thoughts in my head…out they come down onto a post. I really don’t know any other way to blog other than just share my life, so this blog is about to have a new subject added to it. Cancer is life right now, it is pretty much an all consuming fight, so I ask you to bear with me as I write and fight. I won’t be able to post as often, and the subject matter will be pretty real as I really don’t know how else to be. Thank you so much for being such great readers and such an encouraging community. I will let you as much as possible how I am doing.
Before I sign off, I’d like to tell you that the ONLY way I am getting through any of this is by the help of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. He is my everything. He is faithful. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. I will praise His name no matter what happens. He has so clearly told me that He is with me, and will never leave me or forsake me.