HEALTH

It was a good day and a bad day, all in one.

My husband had knee repair surgery and all went really well.  He woke up fine and did not get sick from anesthesia–all answered prayer.  I didn’t like seeing that I.V. go into the hand of the one I love.  It made me realize how great he has been through all of my sickness–it is not easy being the one watching!   

His dad came to the surgical center to take him home so I could get to my Oncologist appointment.  I was grateful I was able to stay long enough to see Todd awake and smiling before I had to leave.

My oncology appointment was really hard emotionally.

They had to flush my port, which meant walking through the chemo room.  I looked into the faces of those I knew would be feeling very sick for Christmas and my heart went out to them.  I found myself wanting to get out of that room quickly.  
My port has been achy lately, so I was relieved to have it flushed to avoid blood clots.  As they accessed it, a flood of memory and emotion came racing back along with the familiar smell and taste of metal, a strange thing that happens every time it is accessed.

Dr. Midathada came in the room, it was good to see her.  My mom and friend Carma came with. Seeing my mom was comforting and Carm is the best friend and note taker–thank goodness she was there, because I pretty much lost it emotionally at the beginning of the appointment and was numb through most of it.

One of the first things doc said was “Well, the MRI shows that the tumor is still there and is measurable, it was 6x2x1 (centimeters) now it is 5x1x.8.  This is when I went a bit numb.  All I heard was 5 centimeters!  My primary care doc told me last week that it was 2 x .8.  She left off the first number.  I don’t know why.  Frankly, it really ticked me off today, because it meant another surprise, and not a good one.

Doc said it could be scar tissue, but also said there was uptake in the area.  It is all so confusing!  Bottom line, we won’t know until after surgery and tissue is tested.

I asked if it had shrunk enough to be removed, she said yes.  

She said since the PET scan was clear it makes her wonder if it is cancer because there was no uptake shown on that particular scan. This is good.

One lymph node is still palpable.  It has not changed in size.  It does not light up on either scan and freely moves around. This is good.

My main tumor—doc has a hard time even feeling it.  She said it is a marked difference from when I first came in. This is confusing because of what that scan says, but this is good.

Right breast-she said there are “subtle areas, not sure, not clear, changes here and there” and told me not to get worked up about it. I’m trying to obey…

If there is cancer, if its microscopic disease (no measurable cells) then no more chemoIf measurable then I will have more chemo, it is a stronger one called adryamyocin  4-6 weeks after surgery / once every 2 weeks for 4 rounds (8 weeks).  She also said if it is in even one lymph node, we will do more chemo.

The BB spot on my left breast that I have been feeling, she felt, and said she is not worried about it. Confusing b/c that is also the spot that my primary care doc said showed up on the MRI as new cancer.  This is when I wonder if my Oncologist shoots straight enough with me, or if she leaves things unsaid because of all the unknowns and wants me to stay positive.

I asked if there is cancer why did the PET scan not show it?  She said it could be that the cancer is not one that feeds off glucose (for a PET scan you are injected with glucose to make the cancer cells happy so they light up) or that it is scar tissue.

So, after surgery we will know if we are dealing with scar tissue or cancer.  

I know this is a lot of details, sorry to the non-detailed type people reading it!  Most of this came from Carma’s notes, which again, I was so thankful for as I was a teary mess after doc’s first few sentences.

After doc left the room, I found myself really upset and mad.  The anger part kinda surprised me, but I was ticked!  I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what I was mad at, but my mom and Carma just sat there and lovingly listened while I let it all come blubbering out. It was all just a bit much, Todd’s surgery plus all the hard unknowns. I worn out and really could not get past that 5 centimeter number.

I knew Todd and the girls were waiting for me at home and that I needed to get it together.  This is when we had a funny moment.  I realized I needed to pull myself together for my family and reached into my purse for some lip gloss.  I walked to the mirror in the exam room and went to put it on, then looked at my red, blotchy- faced reflection, then turned and looked at my mom and Carma.  The look on my face was “what do I think lip gloss is gonna do for this mess”  Carm said “well, the pretty pink will match your nose!”  Lol.  I love her.

I was able to get it together by the time I got home.  My mom came over for awhile and had some gifts for my girls.  She offered to take them to a movie but I told her I just needed them around me tonight.

The girls and I had a great night.  They took turns using Todd’s crutches as a new toy, and we dipped pretzels in chocolate, made a breakfast casserole for tomorrow, and listened to Christmas music.  It really was a great night, boy do I find myself trying to hold on to every moment with them.  They are so precious.

The next three days we will have 3 Christmas celebrations with family, one per day.  Tomorrow it brunch at my house.  Seeing family, especially my baby nephew who is here from Kansas will be GREAT therapy for me!  I’m looking forward to a new day full of wonderful distractions from all this health stuff!!

Once again, thank you all for your love.  Thank you for reading these journals and commenting even on the long ones that go on forever like this one!  I am just so, so thankful for all of you.

Have a very, very, Merry Christmas!!
Isaiah 7:14
So the Lord himself will give you this sign: A virgin will become pregnant and give birth to a son, and she will name him Immanuel [God Is With Us]
He is with me.
He is with me.
He is WITH US!  
God is with us.

I’m eager to see how much attention the title of this post will receive.  (snicker)

It is funny how having breast cancer makes it ok to talk about breasts and nipples in such a public manner.  I do think awareness is important, and since pink is not my most favorite color, I will participate in awareness by throwing out post titles that may make some do a double take.  Hee hee.

In all seriousness, I would appreciate any exposure you can give this post and my story.  It has been very concerning to me how so many people, including the medical community (especially the medical community), still do not think of breast cancer as a “young” disease.  I believe that is why I was dismissed so rudely by a surgeon when I expressed my concern for the lump I know I was feeling.  I did not fit the “typical” breast cancer patient.  I really, really want every woman to know that ANYONE can get breast cancer.

{comforting my youngest after our “head shaving” party.  I have orange marker on my head thanks to my middle girl who wanted to “autograph” my head:) }

ANYONE.  

I  know women who have done an incredible job with eating healthy-grinding their own wheat, raising chickens for organic eggs, eating all organic, take their vitamins–and STILL GOT BREAST CANCER.

I know of women in their twenties who were marathon runners who have DIED FROM BREAST CANCER.

I know women who are so spiritual and close to God, who are FIGHTING BREAST CANCER.

ANYONE CAN GET IT.

I admit I was shocked to find out that I had it.  Our family has been on a journey of embracing a lifestyle of health, especially when it came to the foods we eat.  I am the first to admit I placed way too much faith into healthy foods and vitamins/supplements.  I still think these things are extremely important, but I do not place my faith in them anymore.

I have been so blessed to have so many wonderful women read this blog and form such a great community around me.  I care deeply for all of you, so I’m gonna get bossy:

1. DO YOUR MONTHLY CHECKS

2. IF YOU FIND SOMETHING, GET IT CHECKED & INSIST ON FOLLOW UP.

This does not mean you need to go right to a mammogram.  An ultrasound is an easy, painless, non-radiation way to check out any type of lump or bump.  If you are told you have a cyst and there is ANY change, get rechecked.  I wish I would have.

A second opinion is always a good thing to do…another thing I wish I would have known and done.

I will get to the “Breast Redo and Nipple Tattoo” part of this in a minute, by sharing one of my journal entries from my Caring Bridge site.

But before I do,

 Will you please, please share this post with the 

women in your life?  

Blog.   Email.   Tweet.   Facebook.   Del.icio.us.   Stumble.

If my story can help another woman realize the importance of self breast checks, and of insisting on good treatment and second opinions, it would just be THE BEST.  

Thank You!!

{**The following is an entry from my Caring Bridge journal.  If you would like detailed updates on my health, please visit my Caring Bridge site by clicking here.}

Today we met with my plastic surgeon.  It was interesting:)  It was nice to come out of an appointment feeling like we were able to talk about things that are not life and death.  Less serious, more light.  I am really excited that I do not have to go through the process of fills, (a hard implant that is used to stretch the tissue and is gradually filled each week, then replaced with a permanent implant) as they will be doing a “Veritas Collagen Matrix” type reconstruction.  It is a saline breast implant in conjunction with a soft tissue implant called Veritas Collagen Matrix.  Basically, they form a pocket in my muscle which holds the implant, but because of how the chest muscle is formed, the implant is not covered at the bottom.  They use the Collagen Matrix material to create a sling to hold the bottom of the implant, and it will also create a nice “fold” under the implant.   The collagen they use is from a cow (ew), all the cellular material is taken out of it, and it ends up taking the form of whatever tissue it is put on, which in my case is chest muscle.  It is pretty cool that my body just takes over the collagen and it will eventually turn into my own tissue.  There are no rejection issues due to the removal of all the cells.  That is the best I can do as far as explanation 🙂 

 My surgeon has been doing this type of reconstruction for over 5 years, and is very positive about the results.  I am limited as to how big we can go, but as doc said, our goal is not Dolly Parton.  Ha!  Although he did say if Dolly Parton is something I would like down the road, this implant will help stretch the tissue and replacing it with a larger one would be possible, just not right away.  I assured him I did not want Dolly Parton…
A month after healing, I will have a short, out- patient surgery for nipple reconstruction and when that is healed, I will get them tattooed with pigment.  Yep, I said TATTOO!!  Who woulda thunk it, huh?  I am not the tattoo type, but when I saw pics of the results, I quickly became the tattoo type!!  
Ok, moving on…


I’m starting to really appreciate this little break I have, with chemo behind me and surgery to come.  I am starting to feel more “present” with my family as my ear is healing and I am feeling stronger.  My counts were perfect on Monday, praise God!

Friday is a big day of scans.  My insurance company DID approve of the PET scan-another huge praise!  I will be getting the PET scan and another breast MRI.  I am nervous about the results.  I wish I could just switch those nerves off, I get butterflies when I think about it.  It will be nice to know just how much chemo worked and see if anything shows up with my lymph nodes or anywhere else in my body. EEK!  Darn butterflies…

More posts on my journey:
Information On My Upcoming Mastectomy
How Cancer Is Teaching Me To Dance
The Gifts Of Cancer
Thoughts While Being Scanned
“I Have Cancer”
What I Read When I Am Afraid

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