I’ve seen days Where the nights don’t end I’ve seen strangers I used to call friend
How can I begin to trust In the fact that You’d never let me go Been left so many times Feel like nobody could know
The sound that my heart makes When it starts to break And the pain that I hate Waits for me everyday
And yet I lie awake Alive and still breathin’ Hopin’ that this time in my life Is just a season
Believin’ the words You spoke to Your people How you’d never leave Even though we couldn’t see You
How You would make us prosper Even though we couldn’t pay You Back now there’s nothing I lack
Please don’t let me go If I can’t have Your love My hearts got no where to go Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go I’d be lost inside a dying world Just trying to find my home It’s with You I belong Please don’t let me go
I remember the moments life was a blur An adolescent spirit, far from mature I couldn’t tell between a friend or a foe So alone I remained, looked to the sky for hope
It’s hard to feel alive when you’re cold It’s hard to reach the sky when you’re low Sunlight is hard to find in a storm How can I give love if my souls been torn
A broken vessel, you call it a master piece No eye can see how deeply You’re in love with me Honestly I can’t love me how You love me But obviously there’s something that You want from me
‘Cause You don’t want to let me go Owner of the world but You want my soul My heart is crying out, Lord, please take control I need You and I don’t wanna let go
Please don’t let me go If I can’t have Your love My heart’s got no where to go Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go I’d be lost inside a dying world Just trying to find my home It’s with You, I belong Please don’t let me go
(Don’t let me go) Please don’t let me go (Don’t let me go) Please don’t let me go
And I’ve seen who I could be Without You close to me I can’t recognize that person Staring back at me
And You’ve seen how my heart breaks From the choices I have made I know Your love can take it all away
Please don’t let me go If I can’t have Your love My heart’s got no where to go Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go I’d be lost inside a dying world Just trying to find my home It’s with You, I belong
I stumbles upon this timely song this morning. A beautiful reminder that not only will He never let me go, but He knows me so intimately that he has me “engraved in the palm of His hand.”
So its been all over the news that they are finding parabens in the breast cancer survivors breast tissue. My ears perked up with this because I have been in the beauty business for years as a cosmetologist, and parabans seem to be in EVERY beauty product. I have also met way too many young hairstylists that also battled breast cancer, and it has made us all say “hmm.”
Parabens are a group of compounds widely used as antimicrobial preservatives in food, pharmaceutical and cosmetic products, including underarm deodorants. Parabens are absorbed through intact skin and from the gastrointestinal tract and blood.
Measurable concentrations of six different parabens have been identified in biopsy samples from breast tumors (Darbre, 2004). The particular parabens were found in relative concentrations that closely parallel their use in the synthesis of cosmetic products (Rastogi, 1995). Parabens have also been found in almost all urine samples examined from a demographically diverse sample of U.S. adults (Ye, 2006a).
Parabens are estrogen mimickers, with the potency of the agonistic response being related to the chemical structure (Darbre, 2008). They can bind to the cellular estrogen receptor (Routledge, 1998). They also increase the expression of many genes that are usually regulated by estradiol and cause human breast tumor cells (MCF-7 cells) to grow and proliferate in vitro (Byford, 2002; Pugazhendhi, 2007). Nevertheless, parabens as a class do not fully mimic estradiol in the changes in cellular gene expression nor are the effects of all parabens identical (Sadler, 2009).
“Parabens are estrogen mimickers.” This really made me pause, as my cancer and the majority of breast cancers are fed by hormones. I had symptoms of estrogen dominance for years and I often wonder if this contributed to my diagnosis.
As I have been trying to avoid parabens, I have been on a kick of making my own beauty products, and in my quest to avoid chemicals, I have also been back on track of making some of my own cleaners. There are some wonderful healthy products out there, but they usually end up costing an arm and a leg, so have been quite motivated to make my own.
My inspiration comes hugely from Pinterest on a board I’ve named “Make Your Own.” It is starting to become one of my favorite boards, and I plan on implementing a lot of the pins that I have put on it.
My youngest deals with a few patches of eczema every once in awhile. I like to have something on hand, and I usually buy it from our local health food store. I compared the ingredients in these bars to the product we use and love and they are super similar. Makes me happy as the one we buy is not cheap!
This post is by Destri at The Mother Huddle, whom I love. She, too, is a licensed cosmetologist and knows what she is talking about when it comes to the scalp and hair.
Take your favorite liquid fabric softener and soak an old hand towel or flour cloth completely with it. Wring it out and let it dry completely, then throw it in with your next load. This mega-fabric softener sheet should be good for at least 40 loads of laundry WHAT A GREAT IDEA!! (If you want to be super green, I have heard that vinegar in the rinse cycle is great for making clothes soft.)
I’ve learned enough in the past to know that when hardships come, I need to be alert to the lessons.
Most are small, tweaks to the character. But there are times when I feel turmoil that is bigger, and I then know that God is brewing something good, and I brace myself for the type of love and growth that comes through a storm.
When life is smooth sailing, nice and cool, I rest. These times of rest are precious, but I also find I get lethargic and lazy to the lessons. Days slip by and before I know it, I have not called out His name for far too long. A longing starts to stir within and I am missing the one who knows it all and all of me.
James 1. I would say this is my favorite chapter of mine in all of His word. Here is verses 1-5. Love.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
My heart has been heavy, and for once it is not due to health issues. A different storm stirring. New lessons brewing. In the midst I have had sweet reminders of His presence. A note from my former youth pastor, with words sweet and timely. A gift in the mail from my sister fighter friend, a necklace that brought an instant stream of tears as I felt it rest around my neck. It wrapped me not only in her love, but brought a whisper from Him–“I see you, all of you, and you are fully loved. This gift is from her & through her, but I led. I work through my people and my timing is perfect. Wear and feel my love around your neck.”
His timing IS perfect. I feel Him pressing the lessons.
“Ok child, it is now time for this. Let’s conquer this one together.”
Sometimes I mistaken the imperfect packages He brings these lessons in, as the enemy. They are not. They are just messy, broken humans, as am I. I am learning to forgive and look past the package. I am learning to not take things so personally.
How? I am seeing myself through God’s lens. Pure. Forgiven. Made new. Growing.
Learning is the key word here. My initial human response is defensiveness. Self pity. Lists of all the things I am doing right. Lots of “yeah, buts..” When any fault is pointed out in me, this is my natural response.
But, something is changing. It may be my initial response, but it is quickly being followed up by the sweetness of God whispers..”Forgiven. Made new. Growing.”
These beautiful song lyrics “you are more than the problems you create, you are more than the sum of your past mistakes, you are more than the problems you create. You have been remade!” {You Are More by Tenth Avenue West}
Swapped thought patterns, happening much more quickly. Growth.
This new storm brewing? It is hard to name, and honestly, it may just be more of the same, just deeper–from a different package. But sometimes the package it comes in makes all the difference, and makes a lesson thought conquered, brand new and intimidating.
But, God’s questions to me end up being the same..
“Do you trust me?” “Do you believe you are who I say you are?” “Is my opinion of you enough?” “Can you let go of defensiveness?” “Do you believe that I am good?” “Do you believe that I am just, that I will take care of others, that is is MY job, not yours?” “Do you believe that the good work I have started in you, I will be faithful to complete?”
It was over 15 years ago, I was 21 years old, a newlywed. I was sitting in church on Easter morning, terrified, with the question of “what if?” on my brain.
The day before, I received a phone call while at work, hairdressing. I was drying my last client of the day, and I was called to the front for a phone call.
On the phone was my dermatologist, whom I had visited just a few days before. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this over the phone, but you have skin cancer, and it is the kind that is not usually nice. Melanoma. If we caught it in time, you will be fine. If it is in the bloodstream already, your chances of beating it are very slim.
It was a very short phone call, I went back to drying my client’s hair, not sure how I was holding on to the hairdryer, as I felt numb all over.
I don’t remember much of that weekend, but I DO remember that it was Easter Sunday, and as I was sitting in church, the only thing I heard the Pastor say was..“you can experience the peace that passes all understanding when you know Jesus.”
Right as he said those words, a deep peace came over me. Fear took a back seat, and I experienced for the first time what that verse meant. It was such a sweet feeling.
That was early in my walk with God, and over the years I have grown in my knowledge of what it means to walk in peace and to trust in the plan He has for my life.
It has taken many, many lessons, and many screw ups on my part. God has proven over and over that He is worthy of my devotion, that He is good ALL the time, and that no matter what, He will never leave me.
My melanoma was caught in time, and surgery was enough to get rid of it. I was thankful but so young. I’m not sure I really got just how blessed I was that we caught it in time.
Fast forward 15 years. As you all know, I had another cancer diagnosis last year. Again, I felt the numbness that comes with that phone call. This time I was much older, wiser, and there was so much more at stake.
I had a husband of 14 years whom I had grown to love so very much, who I desperately longed to grow old with, and I had 3 little ones who would hurt deeply if anything happened to me.
These facts made peace hard to come by. If you followed my journey on Caring Bridge, you know my emotions were so up and down and my peace and trust were tested all throughout my cancer fight.
Fear raged, but, I also experienced a peace and trust that I never thought was possible. I fell very, very deep in love with my Jesus who has been by my side all these years.
I’ve always loved Him, ever since I was young, but oh the sweetness of Him that I experienced in this trial. Beyond what words can describe.
So tomorrow, I find myself facing yet another Easter Sunday, where I will sit with the question of “what if?” I have tests next week to check a spot on my kidney, and there is a possibility that cancer has visited me once again.
I have realized something this time, though. Fear has lost its grip.
That doesn’t mean it won’t rear its ugly head at times, but it does not consume me, and I am FREE. This trust I have found, it feels like rest, and that is what I am doing.
I am in His hands and I am at rest. I no longer feel panicked when I think of my 3 precious girls and that question “what if?”
I realized this week, that I finally, FINALLY I have been able to go even deeper into my trust and give them to HIM.
I know that the amazing God who has loved me all through my years will have their little hearts and will take care of them, no matter what.
And that man of mine that I love so very much? I know He has him, too.
I smiled and felt a chill when I realized this. As the song says below, “no guilt in life, no fear of death, this is the power of Christ in me.”
This Easter is a special one. I am remembering. I am remembering how He chose death, so I can be free from the fear of death.
He hung on that cross and took on my guilt, so I stand here free of guilt, despite how messed up I am. He overcame death so that I can have eternal life, forever with Him.
Lyrics:
In Christ Alone, My Hope Is Found
He Is My Light, My Strength, My Song
This Cornerstone, This Solid Ground
Firm Through The Fiercest Drought And Storm What Heights Of Love, What Depths Of Peace
When Fears Are Stilled, When Strivings Cease
My Comforter, My All-in-all
Here In The Love Of Christ, I Stand
There In The Ground His Body Lay
Light Of The World By Darkness Slain
Then Bursting Forth In Glorious Day Up From The Grave He Rose Again
And As He Stands In Victory
Sin’s Curse Has Lost Its Grip On Me
For I Am His And He Is Mine
Bought With The Precious Blood Of Christ
No Guilt In Life, No Fear In Death
This Is The Power Of Christ In Me From Life’s First Cry To Final Breath
Jesus Commands My Destiny
No Power Of Hell, No Scheme Of Man
Can Ever Pluck Me From His Hand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power OfChrist
I’ll Stand
Till He Returns Or Calls Me Home
Here In The Power Of Christ
Me and My Sweet Nephew That I Got To Visit Last Weekend!
Last time I updated, I told you I was having pain, a gall bladder test, and a ct and bone scan for a suspicious spot on my kidney. That was about a week ago.
The gallbladder test showed a very healthy gallbladder and liver. Yay!
The pain I was feeling became lower and much more severe. We spent the last few days trying to figure out what is causing it. I had a pelvic ultrasound this morning and we think we found the culprit. I am on a medication for 5 years that I have to take for cancer, but one of the side affects is ovarian cysts. We have been watching my cysts closely, monthly. Doc decided to go to every 3 months, as they were just kind of going up and down with my cycles and not causing me any pain. Well, in those 3 months they decided to misbehave. I have a new large cyst and it is bullying its way in there, causing all of the pain I have been having. It is a harmless cyst, and will probably go down with my cycle, but in the meantime I have to figure out how to deal with the pain. It is much less today. I am so grateful!
Prayers for wisdom, please, as we decided what to do if it continues to be this painful each month. There are several options, and it can get confusing, especially when my most trusted doctors have very different opinions on what should be done.
As for the CT and bone scan to check the spot on my kidney, I was all ready to get them this morning, but yesterday evening received a call from Doc saying my insurance company didn’t approve them yet. It had already been a long week of waiting and wondering, so this news was hard to swallow. We found out today they have approved, but I can’t get in until the end of next week. Patience.
It did end up being ok, as my kids were home from school and I could spend some time with them instead of at the hospital all day getting my insides looked at. 🙂 That was a blessing.
I just wanted to update you all, I’m typing fast as my hubby is waiting for me to watch a bit of T.V. with him! I love Friday nights!! I hope this finds you all blessed on this very special Good Friday.
According to Why Not Sew, the estimated cost is $6.00 for 576 loads. That is quite the savings!
“Using a bar of Ivory soap makes our cloth diapers come out so white! You’d think I’d bleached them. They have no odors, no dinginess, just super bright whites.”–Pinterest Reader Who Used This Recipe
Conclusion
My hypothesis was wrong. Store bought laundry detergent works just slightly better than homemade laundry detergent, at least on the stains. Homemade laundry detergent seemed to make the shirt as a whole whiter, though. My mom and I decided that due to the savings, and how easy it was to make, that we would continue to make our own homemade laundry detergent!
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Recipe For Homemade Liquid Laundry Detergent
from Why Not Sew {click through for step by step pics}
1 bar of soap (any kind you want, I used Ivory) 1 cup of Borax 1 cup of washing soda a big pot (that holds more than 2 gallons) 2 empty gallon jugs/containers
Grate your bar of soap into your pot. Fill one gallon jug and pour water into pot with grated soap. Cook until the grated soap dissolves. Add the Borax and washing soda. Bring to a boil. It will coagulate. Turn off the heat. Add 1 gallon of cold water. Stir well. Pour 1 gallon of your detergent into each container.
Now you have 2 gallons of homemade laundry detergent. I use 1/2 cup per load. With the prices of detergent being outrageous, I feel really happy every time I make a batch of this.
This won’t make many, if any, suds. Suds don’t equal clean. It took a while to get that into my head. This detergent cleans wonderfully!
* I now just keep my detergent in the pot I cook it in with the lid on. When I run out I make up a new batch in that pot and it’s ready to go. I like saving the step of transferring into the jugs.
*if the detergent becoming too thick, try using 1/2 of a bar of soap instead.
*the detergent should thicken / coagulate when it cools. Usually within 24 hours!
