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Cancer Journey

Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Chemo Side Effects

I am so grateful it is the Friday after chemo!  This is always the day where I breath a sigh of relief, knowing I am going to start feeling normal again.
Yesterday was actually a nice surprise for me.  I woke up expecting it to be the typical, hardest day of my week (4th day after chemo) but, by golly, it wasn’t! (I never say “by golly” but it was kinda fun to type.)

Wednesday evening I was about to take my anti-nausea meds, and the label on the bottle caught my eye.  It said “may cause extreme drowsiness and blurred vision.”  I knew right away I would rather have nausea (as long as I could still eat) than to not be able to see or focus because of fog/fatigue.  I skipped the meds, and it made for a much more “clear” Thursday.  I felt somewhat productive since I didn’t have to lay in bed all day, although my stomach paid for it.

I have to pause and chuckle for a moment.  It is funny what one considers a “good” day when going through chemo… here are some examples of what I mean…

~~I  lost 2 toenails from chemo, but I still got 8 plus my fingernails, so its all good…

~~This film that forms on my tongue 2-4 days after chemo makes all food taste sicking-ly sweet, but I’ve learned if I scrape the heck out of my tongue, and gargle with a mouthwash that tastes like the deliciousness of Vicks Vapo Rub, my taste is normal again.  Tasting food=great day.

~~I’m tired, achey and I feel like I have the stomach flu, but I’m vertical, so its a good day.

~~My skull, jaw bone and sternum are doing their deep ache dance, but that means the meds are working and my bones are producing lots of red/white cells– oh happy day!

~~My lips peel for at least 3 days after treatment, but they are so soft and pretty by day 6.  Free lip peel? Makes for a good day..

~~My digestive system shuts down for 3 days after chemo, but I’ve figured out which foods get it going again, and when it happens… that, my friends, is a good day!

~~A crazy side effect of chemo is twitching.  As I lay there to go to sleep, my pinky toe will come alive.  Or, behind my rib, or my shoulder blade…it feels like popcorn popping right under my skin or bones.  Does not make for a fun night, but during the day it keeps me company, so that’s good, right?

I say all these things in the spirit of staying real with you all.

 I also say them, honestly, with a deep gratitude.  I feel so thankful I have been able to figure out ways to get around or deal with most of these minor side effects, and that I have not dealt with anything too serious.  God has been so very good!!

I now get why cancer patients are called “Fighters.”  There are so many things, big and small, that come our way, so we fight.


I have felt sad as many of these side effects of chemo and cancer seem like they just strip femininity away (hair, nails, lips, breasts, brows, curves, sleep).  But–I’ve chosen to see myself in a new light.


 I AM a Fighter and I have the God of the Universe along side me.  I have a new femininity, it is a fighter femininity.  It makes me want to buy combat boots and wear car-gos (my favorite do-rag right now is a camouflage one:)) and kick this cancer outta here!

And for those days when I just can’t seem to find the good or the fight, you all step in with your words of encouragement, and He steps in with His Word of Truth, and reminds me that even in my weakness, I am strong.

Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Philippians 4:13
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Chemo Round 3

Well, tomorrow is Chemo Round 3.  I have mixed emotions about it.  I am excited to just get on with it as we stretched it out to 4 weeks in between treatments instead of the normal 3 weeks due to low blood counts, and my desire to be feeling well for my girls spring break.

 I am apprehensive as I know with this round, I will get the shot that brings on the bone pain and spirals me into a weakness that is hard to explain. 

I also will be getting the test results back from the side pain I have been having (details on my Caring Bridge journal).  I won’t lie, I am afraid of what could be coming my way with those results.  

My mind could easily get carried away with the “what -ifs” and heads there too often despite my fight to keep truth in mind.  

 I plan on blasting the song “Lovely Day” tomorrow morning before chemo, it always brightens my day.  The phrase in the chorus “Heaven on the inside, my soul is gonna fly away” is one that is comforting to me.  I have Jesus in my life –Him in me– and because of that my soul can soar daily, no matter what the circumstances.  

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Hope

I love the above video and song.  So much.

The moment the wall comes crashing own, is the moment of hope.  We come, with these bricks of burden.  These things that we cannot save ourselves from. There is nothing we can do but lay them down, or we crumble under the weight of them.

Surrender.

I’ve been bringing my bricks, some days hurling my them in despair, sometimes so weak, whether it be physically or emotionally, that I can barely carry them there.  I certainly have not been stacking them nice and neatly as my normal, controlling self would, because life is no longer nice and neat.  Cancer wreaks havoc on order.

“When blood and water hit the ground, walls we couldn’t move came crashing down”
“We were free and made alive, the day that True Love died”

Here is the beautiful thing.  These bricks I bring, I no longer am bringing them to an impenetrable wall that keeps me from God.

I am bringing them to a cross, where blood and water spilled for me. For you.  Because of this pooling of love at the foot of a cross, we now have access to the Almighty God.  We have hope.

 Perfect paid for the imperfect. 

His death created a way for us to lay down our bricks, and have them covered with something beautiful. I love how the video shows piles of rubble that turn into green lushness.  Green life.

Green grace.

We ha ave hope of forever because by His spilled blood, we are healed.  We are washed whiter than snow and made new!  Love conquers all and covers all.

For True Love did not stay dead.  He took those bricks with him to the grave, then came back to us from death.  He conquered death!  His love is what did this, and because of it, we have access to God, now, and forever.

I don’t know what I would do without this hope.  I have been coming so often to that cross, to lay down my burdens.  To confess sin.  I come so I can have eyes to see what He has done for me.  To be reminded of the eternal, to get my head out of the here and now.  I come and He is there.  He knows my every thought.  He comforts me, His child, and I leave once again reminded that I am not alone and that I don’t need to have answers because He does.  He is Perfect Love with the answers, and because of this,  I have hope.

May I ask, friends, what about you?  Does this resonate with you? Are there bricks you bring?  Are you faltering under the weight of them?  Are you so buried that you feel unseen, or want to be unseen?  Know this.  The Father sees you, AND HE LOVES YOU, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, NO MATTER WHAT.  He’s already taken care of those bricks, so if you want to rest, if you want hope, lay them down.  Get to know the Creator, the Almighty, the one who sent True Love to die so that we could experience true love and hope.

Psalm 51:7  Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Psalm 68:19  Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Selah
Isaiah 53:5  But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.
2 Corinthians 5:17  Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
Romans 14:13  May God, the source of hope, fill you with joy and peace through your faith in him. Then you will overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Learning To Dance

I sat at Starbucks for a few hours yesterday and spent some time reading God’s Word.  I came upon the parable of the Sower in Matthew 13.  It inspired this…
I am a seed planted lovingly by the Gardener.
He is in Control.

He takes care of me.

The seeds He plants are special. 
Special because He gives them choice
He lets me choose whether or not I will allow Him to sustain me.
He knows what is best for me. 
He watches over me when the storms and winds come. 
He asks me to remain planted, and allow Him to do the work. 
He asks me to just submit and to keep my face upturned to Him,  
 
Face turned, I dance in worship to the One who gives beauty and life.
At times the gardener must strip me, and it is painful. 
I wonder if I’ll survive the deadheading, the pruning.
Petals fade, head hangs low. 
It takes great effort –choice— to turn upward.

The season is cold, I lie waiting, the loneliness overwhelms.
I know my Gardener is there.
I believe His promise,
He cares for me, though I am weak and small.
 I know this, yet do I really trust Him?
In this storm, within the fierce winds, I hear His whisper…
”Trust deeper, my beloved one. I am here”
“Do you believe me?”
I want to. 
I want to believe that He will breath life into mine and make me strong again. 
I believe that spring will come
 But there is the problem.
I want spring to look a certain way. 
I want spring to bring the familiar.
I want to be planted in the same place that I was before, amongst those whom I love.
My Gardner knows this, yet whispers
“Deeper still…let’s go deeper.  Let the roots take hold”
He gently picks up my head and tells me to look around. 
I do and I see something
It takes me by surprise; it is so off-putting –so ugly.
 Weeds.

 I have replanted myself and have emerged into a place of shallow soil. 
Where can my roots go?
I am here, in the shallow, surrounded with weeds created by me.
As I laid in despair, weeds named “Fear” and “Control” sprung up and have choked.
They have stunted my growth.
They have taken my ability to re-seed and multiply the beauty of my Gardener.
When did this happen?
How quickly and easily they have come!
It started with one; he calls himself “Fear.” 
He has many friends
Their names:
“Anxiety” 
“Control”
“Selfishness”
“Resentment”
These weeds have seen my thwarted plans and losses,
They have taken advantage of my vulnerability.
I didn’t keep my face lifted, and in they quickly crept
The “friend” most familiar right now is “Resentment.”
He pretends to keep me company and points out others
They are unhealthy, but not yet diseased, as I am.
The question comes as I look at them –“why me?”
What an ugly question to ask
That is the moment “Resentment” introduces me to “Self-Pity”
I hang my head in shame
Oh my Gardener, forgive me!
Forgive me for allowing these weeds, these hideous pretenders,
They replace the real Truth
They take my face from You!
You have promised plans for me. 
I want those perfect plans
I want to take root and say “Come what may”
Please pull these weeds out of my way.
Rescue me.
Show me how to get out
Plant me by a stream of living water.
Where I can drink the peace that you promise to give
A peace that is hard comprehend.
I have known such a sweet peace.
I have tasted it before
I long for it again.
You tell me to lift my head toward You and empty my worry
You tell me to ask you for help
You tell to practice thankfulness, and to keep dancing, even in the storm

This is what brings peace
You pick me up and replant me exactly where I belong,
You shine on me and give me life
I will forever lift my head and dance for you, My Gardener

Philippians 4:6,7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 58:11
“You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Getting Pain Checked Today..

 

{From My Caring Bridge Journal.  For updates to that journal, click here, it will take you to my Caring Bridge site.
There is an email option there, if you would like updates mailed to your inbox}
Well, have to keep this journal interesting, so my body is deciding to help out in that area– I guess?!

My spleen area decided to get angry last night.  It is pain right below my left rib area and goes around to my mid back.  It has been off and on lately, but it is the original pain that sent me to the doctor for an ultrasound in the first place, when we discovered all of this.  It is the rib area that “lit up” on the CAT Scan, so that is always on the back of my mind.  I know this, so I have been ignoring it wondering if its in my head:)

  It hurt quite a bit last night, worse than ever, so I finally made an appointment today at 3:00, to get it checked out.  I’m a little nervous.  Ignorance is bliss sometimes.  Pray that it is something simple.

I will also be getting my labs checked, hopefully they are up from 2 days ago!

My sister is in town and I get to help babysit my baby boy nephew tonight.  I’m so excited.  My dumb appointment better not mess with that lil’ date I got going on!

I’ll end on a positive note–It’s massage day today at 1:00!!  I’m going to take tylenol so I won’t feel my rib/back pain too much, then I’m going to relax and enjoy every minute!!  Can’t wait!!
 
1 Peter 5:7
“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 

 

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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH

Processing Cancer


**If you would like the journal posts automatically emailed to you with each new post, there is a check box at the top of the journal post at my Caring Bridge site.

Well, chemo seems to mess with just about every part of the body, and today I was feeling it BIG TIME hormonally.  I won’t go into details, but what was once normal is now pretty messed up!

Church was great today, although getting the family ready for church had a few bumps in the road.  The kids woke up tired, and they have a way of knowing when mom’s fuse is short.

After church I was so ready to have a great day at the Apple Orchard with the family.  We ate lunch and all three of my girls had meltdowns, which I did not respond to well.  At all.  We got as far as loading up the car, but an argument that broke out about who- was- going- to- sit- where put me over the edge.

Again I’ll spare you the details (because I am prideful) but we all went back in the house.  I shut myself in my room and just cried.  I knew I was not myself at all, I knew my body and hormones were all screwed up, but I just felt so frustrated with all the bumps in the day. I just had to sit on my bed and cry for a bit.  Honestly, I had a full blown pity party, while listening to a trio of my girls tears in the other room, which just made my party bigger.  Ugh.

By the time I got myself together, it was too late for my husband to go with us (he teaches at the Impact Leadership Academy on Sunday nights.)  That was a bummer, but I knew I could do our planned trip by myself. Other than emotionally, I felt very strong.  I knew physically, a couple hours at the orchard would do me some good, and I knew my girls would benefit from the outdoors.

We went to a little apple orchard that was just perfection.  It was cute, not overwhelmingly big, but not so small that my kids were bored.  The weather was beautiful, we picked lots of apples, rode a hay rack out to a pumpkin patch, ran (yes, even I ran!) through a cornstalk maze, jumped off bales of hay, rode a tire swing and just had a great time. 

I had to smile when on the drive home, instead of a trio of tears, I was hearing a trio of slurping.  We took some delicious Apple Cider slushies to go, they were awesome!


Warning: Gets heavy…

Emotionally, I still feel fragile.  I am tired and my eyes burn from my earlier tears.  There has been much lately, that has forced me to think about my mortality, and although those moments are fleeting, they are heavy.  

Now this is where some of you will want to pep talk me, and tell me that I need to think positive. I HEAR YOU and I DO for the most part.  But, the reality is, I have cancer.  Reality is, we do not know how this will all turn out.  I think I will beat this, but only God knows the outcome.  I know God desires me to face this with great trust.  I know He wants me to rest in Him completely, and part of that process is thinking about these things that will make most people want to say to me “Stop thinking that way!”

 I guard my thoughts, but I do find myself in situations that just force me to go there, whether I want to or not.  

Examples:
~The apple orchard has raspberry bushes.  My girls begged me to return next season to pick raspberries.  I told them of course, I would love that!  But the thought briefly enters my mind “will I be here?”  
~There has been 2 times in the last 24 hours where my kids and I are watching something (one was a video at church, one was Top Chef Masters) where a person was talking about their mother and how their mother died of cancer.  My little C looks up at me with her big eyes at church in the middle of the video, I see fear and questioning, I give her a reassuring smile, then she puts her head on my shoulder.  
~We were at the pumpkin patch, sitting at a picnic table eating a snack. The suns rays were shining through heavy clouds.  It was beautiful.  The girls started talking about Heaven and how it will be even more beautiful than what they were looking at.  They asked me if I think about Heaven more now that I have cancer.  I did my best to answer, but their quiet thoughtfulness lingered for a couple minutes, and I knew what was on their little brains.
~ (this one will make you think I need therapy-don’t worry, I have a therapist..) There have been times when I look at an object, and think about how weird it would be for that object to out live me.  For example, my guinea pigs (they have short little lives, and they were adults when we bought them), or my phone (how hard it would be for my family to have that object that is always with me, full of my texts, etc). 
 Yea, I will talk to my therapist about this one, but I have a feeling he will tell me all of this is normal and healthy, as long as I don’t dwell– or start throwing away all our “full of sugar” family recipes just so my girls don’t pass them down to their kids…no, I have not done this….ok, maybe a couple..

If you are still reading, thanks for hanging in there with me.  

If you are still reading, please don’t tell me to think positive.  

If you are still reading and are relieved that I have admitted to seeing a therapist and hope I can afford to continue to see one, donations are welcome…

JUST KIDDING!!:) 
Love you ALL!

ps Blood work getting checked tomorrow.  I am eager to see how my levels have done without the Neulasta shot.  Hopefully they have stayed up!!


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ANTI-PROCRASTINATION/ Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ HOME

Anti-Procrastination Tuesday #27

Hi Everyone!  Anti-Procrastination Tuesday is being hosted over at “The Morris Tribe.”  Can’t wait to see you over there…thanks for linking up!!

Kelly at the Morris Tribe has been my right hand woman:) while I’ve trying to maintain a blog and deal with cancer at the same time.  We have never met in person, but she is a soul mate friend and I so appreciate her!  She organized future guest posts for the weeks that I will be resting.  Such a blessing!

I am doing well tonight.  Tired, but energized on the good news my Doctor had for me today.  After one chemotherapy session, my tumor has shrunk by over 50% and the large lymph node I had under my arm is just a little swollen, she could hardly feel it.  Thank you so much for all your prayers and support.  To read more about my cancer journey, click on my Caring Bridge button in the side bar

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