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Well, chemo seems to mess with just about every part of the body, and today I was feeling it BIG TIME hormonally. I won’t go into details, but what was once normal is now pretty messed up!
Church was great today, although getting the family ready for church had a few bumps in the road. The kids woke up tired, and they have a way of knowing when mom’s fuse is short.
After church I was so ready to have a great day at the Apple Orchard with the family. We ate lunch and all three of my girls had meltdowns, which I did not respond to well. At all. We got as far as loading up the car, but an argument that broke out about who- was- going- to- sit- where put me over the edge.
Again I’ll spare you the details (because I am prideful) but we all went back in the house. I shut myself in my room and just cried. I knew I was not myself at all, I knew my body and hormones were all screwed up, but I just felt so frustrated with all the bumps in the day. I just had to sit on my bed and cry for a bit. Honestly, I had a full blown pity party, while listening to a trio of my girls tears in the other room, which just made my party bigger. Ugh.
By the time I got myself together, it was too late for my husband to go with us (he teaches at the Impact Leadership Academy on Sunday nights.) That was a bummer, but I knew I could do our planned trip by myself. Other than emotionally, I felt very strong. I knew physically, a couple hours at the orchard would do me some good, and I knew my girls would benefit from the outdoors.
We went to a little apple orchard that was just perfection. It was cute, not overwhelmingly big, but not so small that my kids were bored. The weather was beautiful, we picked lots of apples, rode a hay rack out to a pumpkin patch, ran (yes, even I ran!) through a cornstalk maze, jumped off bales of hay, rode a tire swing and just had a great time.
I had to smile when on the drive home, instead of a trio of tears, I was hearing a trio of slurping. We took some delicious Apple Cider slushies to go, they were awesome!
Warning: Gets heavy…
Emotionally, I still feel fragile. I am tired and my eyes burn from my earlier tears. There has been much lately, that has forced me to think about my mortality, and although those moments are fleeting, they are heavy.
Now this is where some of you will want to pep talk me, and tell me that I need to think positive. I HEAR YOU and I DO for the most part. But, the reality is, I have cancer. Reality is, we do not know how this will all turn out. I think I will beat this, but only God knows the outcome. I know God desires me to face this with great trust. I know He wants me to rest in Him completely, and part of that process is thinking about these things that will make most people want to say to me “Stop thinking that way!”
I guard my thoughts, but I do find myself in situations that just force me to go there, whether I want to or not.
Examples:
~The apple orchard has raspberry bushes. My girls begged me to return next season to pick raspberries. I told them of course, I would love that! But the thought briefly enters my mind “will I be here?”
~There has been 2 times in the last 24 hours where my kids and I are watching something (one was a video at church, one was Top Chef Masters) where a person was talking about their mother and how their mother died of cancer. My little C looks up at me with her big eyes at church in the middle of the video, I see fear and questioning, I give her a reassuring smile, then she puts her head on my shoulder.
~We were at the pumpkin patch, sitting at a picnic table eating a snack. The suns rays were shining through heavy clouds. It was beautiful. The girls started talking about Heaven and how it will be even more beautiful than what they were looking at. They asked me if I think about Heaven more now that I have cancer. I did my best to answer, but their quiet thoughtfulness lingered for a couple minutes, and I knew what was on their little brains.
~ (this one will make you think I need therapy-don’t worry, I have a therapist..) There have been times when I look at an object, and think about how weird it would be for that object to out live me. For example, my guinea pigs (they have short little lives, and they were adults when we bought them), or my phone (how hard it would be for my family to have that object that is always with me, full of my texts, etc).
Yea, I will talk to my therapist about this one, but I have a feeling he will tell me all of this is normal and healthy, as long as I don’t dwell– or start throwing away all our “full of sugar” family recipes just so my girls don’t pass them down to their kids…no, I have not done this….ok, maybe a couple..
If you are still reading, thanks for hanging in there with me.
If you are still reading, please don’t tell me to think positive.
If you are still reading and are relieved that I have admitted to seeing a therapist and hope I can afford to continue to see one, donations are welcome…
JUST KIDDING!!:)
Love you ALL!
ps Blood work getting checked tomorrow. I am eager to see how my levels have done without the Neulasta shot. Hopefully they have stayed up!!
dena
November 1, 2010 at 6:34 pmi can’t imagine. know i’m praying for you today. may God strengthen you in every part.
MarytheKay
October 12, 2010 at 4:32 amOh, Amy…I have tears in my eyes after reading about some of what you are going through emotionally. I don’t even know you, but I can just feel the pain and fear in your words. I can’t even imagine what you are going through–but I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you today.
Thank you for being transparent, and sharing with us what you are going through. It just reminds me to keep you and your family at the front of my thoughts and prayers.
Kelly Morris
October 12, 2010 at 1:19 amAmy,
I love when you’re real.
Cancer is real. Cancer is scary. Thoughts are irrational. Positive thinking is fleeting.
God is bigger.
Love you!! One day, one minute at a time. It’s not easy…that’s why we pray.
Driftwood Girl
October 12, 2010 at 3:51 amPraying for you and your family! We all love you, Amy. Thank you for sharing your heart!
Leigh
October 11, 2010 at 10:21 pmAmy, you’re right where you need to be. Thank you for entrusting us with how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Take it one day at a time- or one hour at a time if you’re girls are having more meltdowns:)
Decorchick!
October 12, 2010 at 3:20 amLove you Amy!
jeana
October 11, 2010 at 9:15 pmYou are honest, and that is extremely healthy. You are doing well, He is Your strength and He has it covered….so you are doing what you can with what you have while letting Him. Praying for you still, and now Whitney.
Carol
October 11, 2010 at 11:15 pma simple thank you from someone who is blessed by your open heart.
Leslie @ goodbye, house! HELLO, HOME!
October 11, 2010 at 10:38 pmOh, Dear Amy,
I have just finished reading 18 posts about what you are going through (it took me an hour 1/2, LOL).
I feel awful because I haven’t been here to visit and encourage you.
I can’t pretend to know what you are going through, but I will pray for you and pray for your family and the doctors.
I am in awe of your love of God and trust in Him.
Yes, keep on keeping on. You’ve got raspberries to pick and hair to grow back and implants to show off 😉
BIG HUG, tears and a smile….
~me
jmw
October 11, 2010 at 7:21 pmI am so sorry your are going through all of this. Those neulasta injections can be very painful sometimes. Hope your labs are up this week. Will put you in my prayers.
The Pennington Point
October 11, 2010 at 7:15 pmOh dear! First you have me tearing up and now Whitney has me bawling! I have never faced this for myself, so I wouldn’t dare to tell anyone else how to feel. I guess I just keep thinking, “I am so glad she has such a wonderful circle of friends and family. I am so glad she loves our Lord!” You have shared so much of that love on your blog. When I see in my reader that you have posted I rush to read what you have to say next. I am learning from you and growing with you. I know I can’t be in your head, but your outpouring of thoughts and feeling here means so much to me. Hold on to Him, my friend. Much love, Lisa~
talesofahummingbird
October 11, 2010 at 7:11 pmamy-thank you for honestly sharing your reality. sometimes i think about those things i don’t have cancer so i think its a mom thing to want to be there forever to keep your babies safe and its likely multiplied 100 fold when you are sick. like you said, these are things you have to process to continue functioning. i think you are so strong to share this with all of us, we all need it in some way – and i think you are a beautiful mother and woman and i love that you continue to charge ahead in life, enjoying these amazing moments with your family in the midst of this cancer chaos. go you!
southerninspiration
October 11, 2010 at 6:38 pmI’m so sorry you have to face this, but you are not alone….our prayers are with you, and you’ll find in Isa 41:10, that the Lord God will help you, He will strengthen you, He will uphold you with His righteous right hand.
Suzanne
Whitney
October 11, 2010 at 5:09 pmAmy,
I swear, you read my mind. I’m a newly diagnosed cancer patient myself, with stage 2 brain cancer. No treatment for now, but every time I go in for an MRI, the scary thoughts all come back. And you’re right, I always think that if someone could read my mind, they think I was totally nuts. For example, we just bought our first house, which I should have been excited about. Our first night in the house, though, I started crying. “This will be the last place I live and will probably die in this room.” My poor husband was completely shocked.
A lot of people tell me to “look on the bright side,” “be positive,” and I do. But it’s not always reality, and it’s hard to communicate that. Also, they tend to think that every minute is suffering and look at me like I’m in denial when I say (and mean) I’m doing good right now.
It’s such a strange spectrum of emotions, isn’t it?
annielnb
October 11, 2010 at 4:03 pmAmy,
You don’t know me, and that’s ok, because we’re sisters in Christ. And, ya know what? I’m not gonna tell you to “stay positive”, cuz sometimes you just can’t, and you just need to scream and cry to the Lord, and pummel His chest, and He’s ok with that, because when you finally collapse into exhausted tears He’s there to wrap His arms around you and rock you, and love you. He wants all of you. Your transparency and honesty on your blog has encouraged me in ways you couldn’t possibly know. Thank you for being real, being honest. I’m on the other side of your story, my husband has a disease called systemic vasculitis, that, if it isn’t stopped, will kill him. I keep thinking of this song
Praise you in this storm Lyrics
Artist(Band):Casting Crowns
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it’s still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I’ll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can’t find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I know you’re clinging to Him just like I am. You, and your precious family are in our prayers daily. May He richly bless you all…
Only Because of Jesus,
anne
Courtney
October 11, 2010 at 3:48 pmI think everything you expressed here is normal and I would like to think it is what God wants us to think so we can fully process the situation.
when our daughter died people would say oh its Gods plan…and that drove me nuts..I understand but I dont need you telling me that right now!
Laurie
October 11, 2010 at 3:48 pmAmy, I love and appreciate your honesty! It totally makes sense for you to have these feelings. And no one should ever tell you how you should feel. Your feelings are yours and you need to feel them completely! God is with you (and me) no matter what we feel. He understands! You are a beautiful inspiration to me no matter how you feel or what you say. I look at your name on my kitchen prayer board often and lift you up to our Father. Much love, Laurie from Scene of the Grime