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Well, chemo seems to mess with just about every part of the body, and today I was feeling it BIG TIME hormonally. I won’t go into details, but what was once normal is now pretty messed up!
Church was great today, although getting the family ready for church had a few bumps in the road. The kids woke up tired, and they have a way of knowing when mom’s fuse is short.
After church I was so ready to have a great day at the Apple Orchard with the family. We ate lunch and all three of my girls had meltdowns, which I did not respond to well. At all. We got as far as loading up the car, but an argument that broke out about who- was- going- to- sit- where put me over the edge.
Again I’ll spare you the details (because I am prideful) but we all went back in the house. I shut myself in my room and just cried. I knew I was not myself at all, I knew my body and hormones were all screwed up, but I just felt so frustrated with all the bumps in the day. I just had to sit on my bed and cry for a bit. Honestly, I had a full blown pity party, while listening to a trio of my girls tears in the other room, which just made my party bigger. Ugh.
By the time I got myself together, it was too late for my husband to go with us (he teaches at the Impact Leadership Academy on Sunday nights.) That was a bummer, but I knew I could do our planned trip by myself. Other than emotionally, I felt very strong. I knew physically, a couple hours at the orchard would do me some good, and I knew my girls would benefit from the outdoors.
We went to a little apple orchard that was just perfection. It was cute, not overwhelmingly big, but not so small that my kids were bored. The weather was beautiful, we picked lots of apples, rode a hay rack out to a pumpkin patch, ran (yes, even I ran!) through a cornstalk maze, jumped off bales of hay, rode a tire swing and just had a great time.
I had to smile when on the drive home, instead of a trio of tears, I was hearing a trio of slurping. We took some delicious Apple Cider slushies to go, they were awesome!
Warning: Gets heavy…
Emotionally, I still feel fragile. I am tired and my eyes burn from my earlier tears. There has been much lately, that has forced me to think about my mortality, and although those moments are fleeting, they are heavy.
Now this is where some of you will want to pep talk me, and tell me that I need to think positive. I HEAR YOU and I DO for the most part. But, the reality is, I have cancer. Reality is, we do not know how this will all turn out. I think I will beat this, but only God knows the outcome. I know God desires me to face this with great trust. I know He wants me to rest in Him completely, and part of that process is thinking about these things that will make most people want to say to me “Stop thinking that way!”
I guard my thoughts, but I do find myself in situations that just force me to go there, whether I want to or not.
~The apple orchard has raspberry bushes. My girls begged me to return next season to pick raspberries. I told them of course, I would love that! But the thought briefly enters my mind “will I be here?”
~There has been 2 times in the last 24 hours where my kids and I are watching something (one was a video at church, one was Top Chef Masters) where a person was talking about their mother and how their mother died of cancer. My little C looks up at me with her big eyes at church in the middle of the video, I see fear and questioning, I give her a reassuring smile, then she puts her head on my shoulder.
~We were at the pumpkin patch, sitting at a picnic table eating a snack. The suns rays were shining through heavy clouds. It was beautiful. The girls started talking about Heaven and how it will be even more beautiful than what they were looking at. They asked me if I think about Heaven more now that I have cancer. I did my best to answer, but their quiet thoughtfulness lingered for a couple minutes, and I knew what was on their little brains.
~ (this one will make you think I need therapy-don’t worry, I have a therapist..) There have been times when I look at an object, and think about how weird it would be for that object to out live me. For example, my guinea pigs (they have short little lives, and they were adults when we bought them), or my phone (how hard it would be for my family to have that object that is always with me, full of my texts, etc).
Yea, I will talk to my therapist about this one, but I have a feeling he will tell me all of this is normal and healthy, as long as I don’t dwell– or start throwing away all our “full of sugar” family recipes just so my girls don’t pass them down to their kids…no, I have not done this….ok, maybe a couple..
If you are still reading, thanks for hanging in there with me.
If you are still reading, please don’t tell me to think positive.
If you are still reading and are relieved that I have admitted to seeing a therapist and hope I can afford to continue to see one, donations are welcome…
Love you ALL!
ps Blood work getting checked tomorrow. I am eager to see how my levels have done without the Neulasta shot. Hopefully they have stayed up!!