Just a little song with words that express my heart.
Have you ever been at a point in your life where all you could bring yourself to do is just..breathe?
There is so much pain in this world, and someone I love very much has had more than her share. My recent whispers to her? Keep on breathing. Breathe in. Just breathe.
As I have been part of walking through this pain with my loved one, I just keep thinking of how pain brings perspective. Her pain makes me realize the depth of my love for her, the importance of being there for those whom we love through thick and thin, and what an amazing gift it is to love someone so much that it hurts.
I’ve also learned that the tears we cry for another are some of the most precious and cleansing. Pure love.
I pray this song brings some comfort and relief to someone out there. It is a simple but profound message.
Just breathe.
Where there is breath, there is life.
Where there is life, there is hope.
{Honestly by Vota}
Honestly can I tell you where I’m at
Honestly can I pull the curtain back
Will you run if you see how weak I am?
If you don’t see the real me you won’t see what mercy’s done.
If you don’t see my weakness you won’t see what love has won
If you don’t see the distance form the darkness to the sun
You won’t see. Honestly
Honestly, I’m growing sick and tired
Honestly it hurts too much to hide
Brokenness that’s killing us inside
Let the light escape from this hole inside my soul
When I start to break then grace begines to flow
Let the light escape from this lonely place inside my soul
Honestly
_______________
Can I be honest with you? A little confession?
It was much easier being real, being honest, admitting struggle, admitting fault…when I was sick.
Sickness was almost an excuse to not have it all together. People would understand that I didn’t have it all together.
My body is in remission, but honestly, my soul is still sick. In need of a Saviour. Daily. Every moment.
I want to continue to be real, to write honest, to soul connect with others. This takes a vulnerablility.
It is so refreshing when other soul connectors are willing to put the perfect down and show up real. It is so life giving to read of women who don’t have it all together, because who does? Not I.
So these are my thoughts. I want to write real. Honestly.
“If you don’t see the real me you won’t see what mercy’s done.
If you don’t see my weakness you won’t see what love has won”
The real me…
…wonders if I will ever be content pleasing God, rather than man. Just when I think I am free of this, another layer. I tell a girlfriend a few weeks ago that I feel more free in this area. Ha! There have been constant tests to that the minute those words came from my mouth! Layers.
…would be horrified if you saw my closet right now. Or my laundry room. Or my car trunk. Mess!
…fears that I will never be able to express just how amazing it is to know Jesus. How do you tell of such love and peace? What words describe God made flesh?
…still wonders what people think of my ears when I wear a ponytail. Oh to have ears that were flat to my head.
…feels ashamed that I sent my sweet girl off to school with tears. She snapped all morning at everyone, and right before she got out of the car, I had had enough and snapped back. I wanted to show her how it felt. I became child. She walked away with tears. Oh God, heal the hurts I cause. Erase from little brains, or at least show them that mercy covers the real me. The real them.
If you see good in me,
It is He who you see.
Not me.
Please don’t let me go
I’ve seen days
Where the nights don’t end
I’ve seen strangers
I used to call friend
How can I begin to trust
In the fact that You’d never let me go
Been left so many times
Feel like nobody could know
The sound that my heart makes
When it starts to break
And the pain that I hate
Waits for me everyday
And yet I lie awake
Alive and still breathin’
Hopin’ that this time in my life
Is just a season
Believin’ the words
You spoke to Your people
How you’d never leave
Even though we couldn’t see You
How You would make us prosper
Even though we couldn’t pay You
Back now there’s nothing I lack
Please don’t let me go
If I can’t have Your love
My hearts got no where to go
Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go
I’d be lost inside a dying world
Just trying to find my home
It’s with You I belong
Please don’t let me go
I remember the moments life was a blur
An adolescent spirit, far from mature
I couldn’t tell between a friend or a foe
So alone I remained, looked to the sky for hope
It’s hard to feel alive when you’re cold
It’s hard to reach the sky when you’re low
Sunlight is hard to find in a storm
How can I give love if my souls been torn
A broken vessel, you call it a master piece
No eye can see how deeply You’re in love with me
Honestly I can’t love me how You love me
But obviously there’s something that You want from me
‘Cause You don’t want to let me go
Owner of the world but You want my soul
My heart is crying out, Lord, please take control
I need You and I don’t wanna let go
Please don’t let me go
If I can’t have Your love
My heart’s got no where to go
Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go
I’d be lost inside a dying world
Just trying to find my home
It’s with You, I belong
Please don’t let me go
(Don’t let me go)
Please don’t let me go
(Don’t let me go)
Please don’t let me go
And I’ve seen who I could be
Without You close to me
I can’t recognize that person
Staring back at me
And You’ve seen how my heart breaks
From the choices I have made
I know Your love can take it all away
Please don’t let me go
If I can’t have Your love
My heart’s got no where to go
Only You can rescue me
Please don’t let me go
I’d be lost inside a dying world
Just trying to find my home
It’s with You, I belong
{source}
I stumbles upon this timely song this morning. A beautiful reminder that not only will He never let me go, but He knows me so intimately that he has me “engraved in the palm of His hand.”
Held.
Cherished.
Beloved.
Never alone.
Never let go.
Safe.
Safe.
What better place to be?
This song expresses my heart.
I’m experiencing deep trust this weekend.
My oncologist was in surgery all day Friday so we still have no plan of action.
I’m experiencing deep trust this weekend.
My oncologist was in surgery all day Friday so we still have no plan of action.
I’m hanging on, being held, and not forgetting how good He is.
I have had stomach pain, it started Monday night. Woke me up in the night both Monday and Tuesday. It was severe in the night, but during the day only bothered me slightly. It did keep me from running, which frankly ticked me off, and got me to the doctor. I was suspicious of gall bladder.
I had an ultrasound yesterday morning. Yes, they think my gall bladder may not be working properly and want further testing. That is what is causing pain.
But that is not why the doctor called me at the end of the day.
She called to let me know that there is a 1-2 centimeter spot on my kidney. It showed up in an ultrasound that I had in January and was cyst-like, so we were told to watch it due to my history. Well, it now looks more solid, a nodule or lesion. They are not jumping to conclusions but because of the definite change from the ultrasound in January, the radiologist suggest further testing due to my history.
My primary care doctor is going to call my Oncologist for the “now what?” I expect a scan or two, maybe a biopsy. I will know more next week.
You have all so graciously come along on this journey with me, so I want to keep you informed. It seems like these “bumps in the road” may just be a way of life– these ups and downs with my health. I am ok with that. I have done my pouting in the past and have come to accept the ‘what is.’ I am at peace, and so thankful for how many prayers have been answered on my behalf. So many.
I am also very thankful for the perspective that all of this brings. It is a gift. I find when pain forces me to face what we all need to face, that we are here on this earth for a short time, I live. I REALLY live.
I see more clearly. I think about what matters. I notice beauty. I touch and hug my kids more. I kiss my husband more (well, I would be if he didn’t have a cold :)) I treasure the moments with those I love. I eat it all up, and I am present. That, friends, is a gift, one that I would not have to this extent, if it were not for pain.
Emotional pain, physical pain, both bring perspective.
I reach out to my Heavenly Father in these moments, I rest in His love, and I find peace.
I will keep you updated. Again, it very well could be nothing. Hoping for the best!!
{notice how dark the valleys are, but without them there would be no mountaintop}
I’ve been cleaning out my gmail inbox, which was a complete nightmare! It is slowly getting better as I file, label, delete and respond. Such a great feeling! I have come across some pretty precious emails, notes of encouragement from when I was sick, ones I read, but never filed away properly. I have to make some sort of scrapbook out of all the amazing words I got from people.
Even after all this time I am still amazed at how God put the perfect note, or song, or person in my life at all the right times to carry me through the hardest times. He continues to do that, but I do find it is harder to see when I have the energy to be busy. I am working on keeping eyes open to see.
I remember the below video. I remember it was a couple days after chemo #2. I was in such a fog that frankly scared me. I couldn’t think clearly. I couldn’t see clearly. I couldn’t walk well. I was weak & nauseous. I remember sitting at the computer desk, staring at the screen, trying to make it focus.
I had a file of songs on hand to play for those valley days, and hit the first one I could find. It was the song below. I remember laying my head on the desk, eyes blurred but not from tears, yet. My head so heavy, my heart, too. I listened to it 3 times at least, it was the perfect song for my heart that day. The desk became wet with my tears, but I was too weary to do much about it.
I had a file of songs on hand to play for those valley days, and hit the first one I could find. It was the song below. I remember laying my head on the desk, eyes blurred but not from tears, yet. My head so heavy, my heart, too. I listened to it 3 times at least, it was the perfect song for my heart that day. The desk became wet with my tears, but I was too weary to do much about it.
My Caring Bridge Journal October 6, 2010:
I’m in the valley today. I am weak, sick and in the fog. I woke up last night from at least 6 different dreams where I was telling people I only had months to live, different people each time.
As this linked video says, “I need a voice that is louder than mine” today.
As this linked video says, “I need a voice that is louder than mine” today.
By chemo #3, I figured out that lots of my “fogginess” was side affects from the type of nausea medication I was taking. Once we changed that, it was so much better!
Back to cleaning out my email folders and inbox. I found this short but powerful prayer from my mother in law, Kathy. She sent it to me that same day, October 6, 2010. It was perfect and just what I needed.
Dear Lord,
Hear Amy’s cry and give heed to her prayer. Her heart is faint and her body is weak.Lead her to you… the Rock that is higher than I. You are her refuge, her tower of strength. Let her find comfort in the shelter of Your wings. Amen
from Psalm 61
I pray that if you are in your own valley today, that you too, would find His sweet grace, that His voice would be louder than yours, that you would find shelter in the wings of God! He is the lifter of heads and the healer of hearts. So often He has lifted my head and cradled my heart. He takes our valleys and gives them meaning & purpose. He is a good, good God, one that we can turn to when we just can’t carry on ourselves.