Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

When Grief Hits

Grief.

It is a word my counselor used at the end of our first session, “I see someone who is grieving.”

2015 was a year of grieving. It was a year I lost my voice and this blog took a bit of a standstill, which had not happened since I started it back 2007.

CS Lewis says of grief in A Grief Observed:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I’m not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering of the stomach, the same restlessness, the yearning. I keep on swallowing.

Other times it feels like being mildly drunk or confused. There is sort of an invisible blanket between the world and me.

I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps hard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting yet I want others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another & not me.”

This puts words to what I was feeling. Grief brought on anxiety and the enemy ran with it. I lost who I was as I became a person with no words to type.

I felt like another person as my introverted self who was used to craving moments of a quiet, empty home now felt lost, I didn’t know what to do in the silence.

I was coming out of grief after years of fighting cancer and multiple surgeries and medications and all the loss that it brings. I was embracing what it was to live new.

But then my hardest of hard grief hit, grief over our sweet daughter whose story took an unexpected and abrupt turn and hit extra hard due to her young age.

Her story is her story and will not be told in full here, but illness of her own took over our girl and she was not recognizable to us, or herself. A severity of illness, taking us all by surprise, and into a battle that felt much harder than my previous cancer battle.

Mess with me, I can deal, at least so far. Mess with my precious baby, and I battled hard to stay strong through her battle, but in the end, anxiety sank me.

I wrote about the sinking here, and along with my prolonged anxiety, I found also found myself in a pool of sadness, swimming in grief. Anxiety and depression can often go hand in hand.

I am acquainted with anxiety, but never of that severity & had not experienced it accompanied with depression. Deep sadness was a new experience for me.

Together anxiety and depression are a brutal duet that brought my life music & happiness to a halt. It was survival time. I was a survivor learning what survival really meant.

Ecclesiastes says there is a time for everything. A time to weep. A time for grief.

Those months of grieving in 2015 were long and hard. I look back and remember the tears that would just appear sudden and silent, falling down my cheeks anytime I would hear the words “how are you?” My mouth would open but tears would replace words and I would try to answer but mostly kept silent & went inward.

I could not hold the flow back. It was not a sobbing type of tear, but a quiet, constant flow that would just come whenever I would try to speak of my inward pain–which was almost never–unless someone asked those 3 words “how are you?”

The words would be asked and there were the brave that would continue to come toward and were able to get me to talk even while tears flowed. I remember the saltiness of tears tasted when I would open my mouth and speak.

I remember the relief I felt after months passed, medications were found, and I could speak without the saline taste of tears.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens….a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance… Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

I think of the song, the one below:

Turn Turn Turn

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

This summer, 2016, for me, has been one of dancing & laughing, but I will not soon forget what it is to mourn & grieve. I know God bottles our tears & will not waste a single one.

I know there is meaning and purpose in pain when one knows the kindness of their Maker & chooses to turn their tear-stained face to Him.

God and His promises were the only lasting hope I could find while grieving, and it was one that held. I was held.

Are you grieving? Know that Your Maker loves you so very much, and holds you and your tears, too.

Remember: there is a time for everything, and as the world turns so does everything and relief will come as all turns, turns, turns. Remember while in the spinning He’s got the whole world and YOU in His hands.

{Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds}

Update: Since writing this post, I have learned that a sweet friend’s cancer has returned & I find myself reading these words I wrote about grief and thinking hers.

Yes, this is a summer of dancing for me, but I still and enter into the spinning grief of others, for we are made to mourn with those who mourn and I do. My heart is so sad for her.

Will you pray for my sweet friend? She has 2 young kids and wants to see them grow up. I won’t share her name here but God knows it and when you speak of her and lift her up to Him. I would be so appreciative if you do.

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More From New Nostalgia:

Severe Anxiety Symptoms – Words From My Journal

14 Ways To Find Relief From Severe Anxiety

Top 5 Ways To Relieve Stress

Going There–Mental Illness

PMDD Seeking Treatment

Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Spiritual

14 Ways I Found Relief From Severe Anxiety

About a week ago, I wrote a post titled Severe Anxiety Symptoms – Words From My Journal. The response I received from this post has been big and I’ve spent the week reading so many of your precious, personal stories.

Thank you for sharing with me and letting me know that the post mattered, that telling my story allows you to feel less alone in yours. You share with me and I in turn, also feel less alone. There are many of us in this together. In fact, anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults in the United States age 18 and older, or 18% of the population. (Source: National Institute of Mental Health)

There are so many who can relate to the pain that anxiety can bring, and often anxiety can lead to depression or visa versa, for these two often go hand in hand. One can trigger the other.

I read and heard your stories of both depression and anxiety.

A dear one wrote, “I am on the bed right now, nauseated , heart pounding, trembling, etc.” She shares her heart and mine breaks for her. I’ve been in that place.

When you want to just curl up in a ball and stay in bed all day please know that there is hope. When your hearts feels like it is pounding out of your chest and you really don’t know why, know that there is hope. When you feel alone, know that you are not.

I will share a few ways that I found relief from my severe anxiety. I pray that some of these suggestions can help bring hope and help to someone else.

14 Ways I Found Relief From Anxiety

Know God’s Got You

~Know that there is a place where you can lift your eyes & where I continue lift mine. You are never alone, God will help you & He can turn ashes into beauty.

“I lift my eyes up….my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven & earth.” Psalm 121:1-2

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1

“To provide for them that mourn…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3

Ask For Wisdom

~I prayed constantly for wisdom in searching for answers for my severe anxiety. God led me to answers, slowly but surely. It was in His time, not mine.

Tell Someone

~tell a trusted friend, a medical doctor, a therapist, a psychologist or psychiatrist.

I did all of the above. I was desperate for help and answers, and the more support in finding those answers, the better. It took all of those people I listed above to get to the answers I needed. You never know who and what God is going to use to bring relief to your suffering.

{Example: It was a medical doctor, an OB to be exact, that had an answer to my morning nausea & weight loss. As we were trying to figure out what was causing my severe morning nausea, she gave me a medication specifically for women with morning sickness, one that is taken the night before. This was a key step to stabilizing me & helping me wake up steadily instead of waking up to heaves of nausea due to my severe anxiety. It allowed me to eat early in the day, which was huge as nutrition was another key to getting better. I took this medication for about 3 months, long enough for me to stabilize and for us to figure out my physical symptoms were not due to cancer returning but to severe anxiety.}

One of the most precious gifts to me during this time having a dear, MOST trusted friend. One that had walked a similar road. We used Voxer app and talked daily. It was so healthy to talk to someone who would love and accept me no matter what, someone who could handle my tears as they flowed freely while I talked. Find that someone and be willing to open up to them. I you don’t have someone like that, pray that God would provide someone for you.

Pursue Help

As stated above, one of the key things I did to get healthy again was to pursue help. I brought in as many professionals as I could. I went to many, many appointments, as I knew that there was an answer but it was not just going to come to me. Because of my cancer history, we had to rule out recurrence, so the number of my appointments and tests were overwhelming, but I continued on. I pressed on and pursued help for the sake of my family & because I had faith that God would lead me to what I needed. It was miserable to go when I was feeling so unwell,and I hated spending my summer in doctors offices, but it paid off in the end. There is help out there! Pursue it, and if you can’t, ask a loved one to help you pursue it.

Be Open To Medication

If your symptoms are severe, you will probably need medication, even if for a short time. I am not a professional, obviously, but please see a professional if you cannot seem to get to a healthy place on your own. I cannot tell you what a blessing medication has been to me. I do not know where I would be without it. It is a gift and one that I do not take for granted.

Just Do The Next Thing

There were so many days where I just felt so miserable and couldn’t think straight. I had nothing to give. I was too miserable to lay in bed but too miserable to do anything either, at least that is how it seemed. My new mantra during that time was “Just Do The Next Thing.” Most of the time, the next thing was as simple as getting up.

I remember just getting up and standing by my bed, and then thinking and talking myself through what came next.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Make my bed.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Get dressed.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Take the girls to school.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Dishes in dishwasher and throw a load of laundry in.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Drive the girls to the pool.

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Get self to a doctor appointment.”

“Just Do The Next Thing.”

Eat even though you lack appetite.

By just doing the next thing, I got through my days and eventually got through the summer and eventually got the answers I needed.

Do What is Necessary

Do what is necessary, and if you can, do a little more, but keep it minimal and simple.

I was in survival mode, but I still had to live for those I love. I am a survivor & fighter, and this was by far the hardest season for me, even including fighting cancer. Anxiety kicked me hard, but I still had to be a Mom & Wife, even when I was sick everyday. My minimal looked like the “Just Do The Next Thing” above. Getting dressed, dishes, laundry, meals for my family (super simple meals), blog when I could, & then rest. Baby steps and one foot in front of the other. I felt I was trudging through quicksand most days, but if I stopped, I would sink. Motion is a must when it comes to anxiety and depression, even if super slow motion.

Keep Trying Different Options

If what you are doing is not working, try something else. I had to try several medications before finding the right one. I had to go off all of my cancer meds to see if that was what was causing my physical symptoms and weight loss. It took time and persistence. I tried at least 4 different mood meds. Eventually, it was an anti-nausea medication and an anti-anxiety medication that worked. In the past, I took an anti-depressant, and for some reason that did not work and what my body needed was purely an anti-anxiety medication. If I did not keep trying different options, I would have never found an answer.

Know That Talk Therapy is as Important as Medication

I was very thankful to be able to see a therapist and talk through what I was experiencing that the time. This was super helpful, even when at the beginning I could barely articulate what I was feeling and just ended up with tears streaming. Those early sessions I did a lot of listening and nodding. I eventually got to the point where I could talk and it was super helpful. My therapist watched me become a different person as I found the right medication, and then she walked me through the healing process, as she knew that now I was stable and could hear what she was saying and talk through the trauma of it all.

Can’t afford therapy? I understand. Mine was gifted to me. There are other options. A great one is one I have recently found and followed. His name is John Cordray and he calls himself the Calm Expert. He is a licensed therapist and has great wisdom. There is an option to hire him, but he also gives great free advice on his YouTube & Periscope channel.

Eat When You Can

Nutrition is so important. I lost 20 pounds in less than 7 weeks. It was not pretty. It scared me. I didn’t have an appetite and had nausea all day until early evening. I was not able to take supplements, and I believe this was a huge part of my downward spiral. I was not nourished and there are so many vitamins and minerals that are vital for brain health.

B vitamins, Omega’s, Vitamin D, Probiotics, Multi-Vitamin, Magnesium & Zinc are all examples of what I take now and are huge for mental health, but I could not tolerate them when I was in the midst of severe anxiety. Again, it took medication for me to become stable, regain my appetite, lose the nausea and be able to tolerate supplements.

Surround Yourself with Comfort

A cozy blanket, a cup of tea, soft music, candlelight. These things seem small, but even the smallest bit of comfort helps when anxiety is taking over.

Exercise

I know, I know. It seems impossible. At times it was. I can’t speak too much on this subject as I still continue to struggle with it, but I KNOW walking makes a huge difference in my day. Simple, even slow walking gets you out and moving, and is beneficial, especially in the sunshine.

Push Truth to Your Brain

This one was huge for me. I knew I had to replace fear, worries & lies with truth. I knew I had to keep my faith as strong as possible. I did this by reading, by listening to podcasts, and by watching YouTube videos.

The Bible was key for me, as my personal belief is that it has the power to transform. I use the YouVersion Bible app on my phone and followed plans specifically for anxiety and hope.

Jesus Calling–another app on my phone that I read everyday. A small snippet of truth that would get me through the day.

Switch On Your Brain-a book (affiliate link) that I read that was so good that it is on my list to read again.

Journaling the Psalms– I wrote a post about this when I was at the tail-end of my severe anxiety. It details what it is and how I did it, & how it helped change me.

Affirmations–a dear friend sent me daily affirmations on cards that she has. I will be creating similar cards soon to share on the blog.

Podcasts--even while laying there, miserable, one can listen to a podcast. I highly recommend Daily Hope With Rick Warren & listen to it often while on a walk or doing housework. I also love listening to my own pastor, Pastor Bryan Clark of Lincoln Berean Church

Know That There Will Be An End

Never lose hope. Know that there are answers. Know that with God all things are possible. Ask Him for help, for He is the Ultimate help in trouble and calls Himself our Comforter.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

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I hope this list helps. I will continue to share bits of my journal here at New Nostalgia & continue talking about anxiety. I think it is so important to talk about as so many are suffering.

What about you? Have you ever had anxiety? Depression?

If you are comfortable sharing, I would love to know your story & what has helped you.

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Severe Anxiety Symptoms – An Excerpt From My Journal

Top 5 Ways To Relieve Stress

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Disclaimer:

NEVER DISREGARD MEDICAL ADVICE OR DELAY SEEKING MEDICAL CARE BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU HAVE READ ON OR ACCESSED THROUGH THIS WEB SITE.

Emotional Health/ FAMILY

Severe Anxiety Symptoms – Words From My Journal

I’ve written a bit here at New Nostalgia about mental illness and my story of anxiety. It was about this time last year when severe anxiety symptoms were taking over my world and I had no idea what it really was. I had dealt with anxiety in the past, but I didn’t know what severe anxiety felt like, as it can feel different for every person. It manifested itself for me in physical symptoms, and with my Stage 3 breast cancer history, these symptoms brought on a fear that my cancer was back. It was all very confusing. I was sick and I didn’t know why.

After spending most of the last summer getting test after test, poked, prodded and scanned; and after coming off hormone-blocking cancer meds, detoxing from mood meds, & trying several different anti-depressants, we finally found an answer. My doctor decided to try a specific anti-anxiety medication, and I felt better almost immediately. I am so thankful that I am still in remission and am finding my way back to optimal health.

My therapist had me write about what it felt like it in my journal, which was quite therapeutic, but I have never shared those writings until now. It was all just too raw and I needed time to heal before telling this part of my story.

My hope is that in the telling, it will create awareness & help someone else who is experiencing the same type of confusing symptoms that I was. There is hope & answers in the midst of severe anxiety!

My Severe Anxiety Symptoms

Journal Entry 2015

Heart palpitations, a feeling of adrenaline pumping out of control. The feeling one gets when they are about to take the stage in front of large crowd. Stomach nervous, breathing erratic, heart pounding, nervousness. Butterflies in my stomach, a not-so-nice fluttering.

Lying on the couch, in the middle of a television show, minding my own business. Out of nowhere, I feel an uncomfortable flutter & stomach tightening. I was all of a sudden a ball of nerves with no reason to be nervous. Baffling. My Todd watching TV next to me and has no idea my inward struggle. It would come on so quickly. I take deep breaths in order to find equilibrium & calm.

It never worked.

I jolt awake in the morning and before I have the chance to think a thought I have nausea and a feeling of dread. It just comes, or actually, is just there to greet me, waiting until my eyes open and my brain is aware of, well, nothing really, except that I feel so ill.

Nausea before I am vertical. I deep breathe and wonder what it is that I am so on edge about, besides feeling sick before the day even begins.

It is like I am hyper-alert. I dread anyone needing anything from me. The phone buzzes telling me of a text and I jump. Every. Time. My body responds like this to odd things, automatically, in ways I can’t control. My mind thinks “oh no” & I look at my phone like “WHAT?” I don’t want anyone to want anything from me. There is no overflow. Dealing with myself has overwhelmed the overflow.

I want to sleep in but the nausea is so intense that I just lay in misery. I am aware of my swallowing my own saliva & dread the next swallow as even that brings on nausea. Brushing my teeth in the morning is a chore, I hate it, the awful taste of toothpaste. Making lunches for my girls is torturous. The smell of peanut butter sends me into the bathroom. I heave. Always dry, of which I am thankful, but I heave and tears stream mixed with leftover mascara from the night before. I look into the mirror and see bloodshot eyes & hollow dark circles staring back at me.

Appetite has disappeared, it is amazing how much I miss it. I am a foodie, a lover of food. What will I blog about? How will I feed my family? Meal planning is impossible when everything sounds nauseating.

I find relief from nausea by late afternoon most days. I try to make up for calories lost, and in the evening eat as much as I can.

My frame is wasting away. I drop 20 pounds in 2 months. My thighs are skin and bone. I don’t like how they look. Chicken legs.

Even through 4 months of chemo I did not lose this much weight or feel this constant sickness.

What is wrong with me?

{Last summer, with my sweet Colsie girls, a brave smile…and my chicken legs.}

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I’m so thankful I found answers, that it is a new year and I’ve gained that 20 pounds back.

I will share more of my journal entries & my anxiety story in upcoming posts.

Update: See “14 Ways I Found Relief From Severe Anxiety“

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Can you relate? Have you ever had anxiety manifest itself in physical symptoms? Did you know right away that what you were feeling was anxiety? Have you found answers?

5 Minute Fridays/ Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Spiritual

Staying Open When You Want To Grip Closed

Participating in 5 Minute Fridays. 5 minutes to write about one word. Unedited.

This week’s word: OPEN.

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GO:

“Open your heart, open your hands, keep open to me, my Darling.”

My Savior woos.

This temptation to grip tight & close, to go inward–it is especially strong as of late.

My actions would match the pit in my stomach, tight & gripped.

I know He has plans and purpose, even in the struggle…especially in the struggle.

This physical body, this shell I live in…it can be such a complicated thing. Physical, emotional, spiritual. All entwined.

Yesterday I read the report of my physical body. A simple blood test brought rave reviews! High vitamin D levels, perfect blood levels, normal cholesterol. Blood pressure is nice and low. Oh, how I praise You! I get to live!

So here is my prayer. Lord, hear my cry!

Lord? These medications I take to keep this shell of mine free from that which would kill me?

I don’t like them. I’m thankful for them, but I don’t like them.

They make my stomach clench closed.

But here is the deal. I will remain.

I remain in you. You hold me and have me. Your hand is open, holding, cradling, full of the whole world and me.

I will remain in you. I will open to your plan. I will obey & humble & search and find.

I will walk, even stumble forward and will not give in to despair.

I will seek, I will find. You are here as You always have been, and always will be.

I will open.

STOP.

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As you can tell, I’m still struggling to find my center. I feel we are close to finding some answers to make the medications I take a bit more bearable emotionally. In a nutshell, the shot I talk about here and another medication that I take to sweep up every bit of estrogen and progesterone in my body seems to sweep up more than just hormone. It sweeps up my spark, too, and it has been the biggest of challenges.

We are searching and finding some answers, but it all takes time. In the meantime, I covet your prayers.

………………..

Can you relate? Has depression put a lid on you? Has anxiety got your stomach in knots?

There are answers. Search for them. Fight for health. Do what it takes. Do not be afraid to reach out. Find a counselor. Find a trusted psychiatrist. It is worth it, you are worth it.

Some simple things you can do for yourself at home that might help?

~take a detox bath

~meditate on the Truth of God’s Word

~tell a trusted friend

~take vitamins and supplements

~exercise…even if just a short walk

~take melatonin for sleep (ask your doc first)

~wake a bit early for quiet time, especially if it is the only quiet you get in a day

~never lose hope

Cancer Journey/ Emotional Health/ FAMILY/ Spiritual

Coming Up For Air

I look back on the last post I wrote in this series, and boy…am I thankful that God does not let us know what is coming ahead. He just gives us one day at a time, and gives us what we need to get through it.

My pastor, Bryan Clark, ended a sermon a few weeks ago with the words “You choose to cultivate the relationship (with God.) You do that today because you never know—tomorrow may be the most difficult day of your life.” When I heard those words, they seemed amplified and spoken especially for me despite the large congregation. I thought “UH-OH. What is coming my way Lord?” How is that for optimism? My Pastor’s reminder caused me to lean in, cling to, and abide with God the last few weeks.

What has come my way is a variety of things that honestly has swept me off my feet, landing me hard on the bottom, made me feel like I was drowning & reminded me what it means to suffer. I am at a place now where I am coming up for air and boy, it is so refreshing & life-giving!

I don’t quite know where to start, and I will try not to get too detailed, but it started with a med change.

Like I told you in this post, I have been on an antidepressant for years. Wellbutrin was the med that changed my life years ago and allowed me to be the real me. 4 years ago I had to go off that med because it clashed with the cancer medication called Tamoxifen, which I needed to start on right away. They switched me to Effexor, and honestly it was even better for me than Wellbutrin. I was very thankful.

The last 7 months I switched from the cancer med, Tamoxifen, which was making me sleep my life away among other not-so-fun side effects, and started on what is called an aromatase inhibitor. There are only a few options of medication for treating my hormone type cancer. In order to go on an aromatase inhibitor, we would need to completely shut my ovaries down and put me into menopause. I am not ready to permanently remove my ovaries, so we decided to shut them down chemically. I have been doing this the last 7 months with Lupron injections, (talked about here) & started taking the aromatase inhibitor, Arimedex.

Honestly, it has been a rough 7 months. Especially physically. The side effects of this medication are numerous, the ones that affect me the most are joint pain, stiffness, extreme & consistent hot flashes, & quite a few that are personal and I will spare you from. I was having these symptoms already even on Tamoxifen, but this new hormone suppressor medication + injections just amplified all of it.

Here is the deal. The antidepressant that they switched me to 4 years ago also have side effects very similar to my cancer meds, especially the more personal side effects. Doc decided now that I’m off Tamoxifen (cancer med) that I could go back on the Wellbutrin (mood med I was on 4 years ago). So we started the process of weaning off Effexor.

Still with me?

I had no idea that Effexor is one of the very hardest drugs to detox from. Well, I had read that it was a rough one, and the nurse told me we needed to go slow, but man, I did not know what I was in for.

It was a 3 week process, and it got worse and worse as we weaned down the dose. There was a period of 3-4 days when I finally went from a low dose to nothing, that I would describe as pure mental and physical suffering. I have been through a lot, and I am tough, but that about did me in. There was one evening where I had decided that if things were no better in the morning that I would need to admit myself for monitoring and medical help while de-toxing, at least a few days, until the process was over. I couldn’t fathom putting my kids through that or my Todd, but having me there was no better…at all.

How to describe those days? I knew I was not myself. I knew it could not be helped. I knew I had to just get through it.

Physically, the symptoms really scared me. There is no explaining it really. There was a feeling in my head of ‘zapping’ that happened all throughout the day for at least a week. When I would move my eyes even a bit from one side to the other I would ‘hear’ ….actually feel, a whooshing. I told you– it is hard to explain! It sounds crazy even typing it. It scared me. It happened all throughout the day. I was incredibly foggy. I could not read a book. I would read one sentence 4 times and still not comprehend it. There was constant pressure in my head. Light hurt. I had nausea and felt like I had the flu. I had even more intense hot flashes than normal but then would get super cold and shiver. It took me back to my chemo days, those days that the chemo just knocked me down and took over my body. I hated every minute of it.

In the middle of that, I was due for my every 3 month anti-hormone injection. Here is the thing with those. The week before I have it, I have breakthrough symptoms where it feels like PMS. Full blown. Then I get the injection, and the symptoms get worse for 2 days then get better. I have to stay on course to the day, every three months. I was very scared to get it in the middle of what already was happening with me. I had reason to be, and when I talk about being admitted above it was 2 days after my injection. The de-toxing plus this ‘jarring -to-my-system’ shot was just too much.

This was just the physical. Then there was the mental.

I couldn’t handle anything. I was a mess. I couldn’t handle the least bit of stress, I was unreasonable in my thinking, I cried easily…a mess. I wish I could say I rallied and shut myself down and away from my family so they would not have to deal with me…but life did not allow that. I tried to hide it from my girls as much as possible, but the new school year had started, life was moving fast and bringing big changes for our family. I did my best to keep up.

~My sweet Freshman girl now needed rides to school and all her extra curricular activities. I was used to her walking to school. She now attends a school across town, and I found myself driving there 2 – 3 times a day.

~My Todd entered into the busiest season of his job, and was very overwhelmed with life already. He was teaching and training a large number of volunteers for those 2 weeks. This not only kept him at work from early morning to 6:30/7:00 at night, but he needed me to bring one of our daughters to him to be the ‘student’ as he taught volunteers what they needed to do. More driving for me.

~This also meant he was not around in the evening to help get our youngest to soccer practice as he usually is, which meant more driving for me.

I honestly don’t mind driving my kids around, and actually love it now that I’ve come up for air, but while I was struggling there were days where I really don’t think I should have been driving.

I was utterly physically and emotionally spent.

The biggest life change that came about just as I was coming up for air but still not myself, was the decision to homeschool our Colsie. I’ve always said I don’t have the patience or the skill set needed to homeschool my children, and said I never would. I’m learning to never say never! It is what our sweet girl desperetly needed, and I have seen so very clearly that God is in this decision. She is thriving so far as a homeschooler and God has given us every resource and help we could possibly need to make this successful for the both of us. Time with her has been precious, and I find myself on days like today when I am away to work, missing her. She is with her Grandma – someone who she loves to be with, who is a teacher and is taking a couple of days a week to help out with schooling. Huge blessing! We are finally getting on a good routine and finding we both thrive on the forced routine that her homeschooling has brought.

Yes. I am breathing easier.

I share all this hoping someone will benefit from my experience or let someone who is in the midst of switching medication or de-toxing from medication know that they are not alone, and they will get through it.

You might wonder why would someone take a medication that would be so incredibly hard to detox from and cause such scary symptoms. My answer is because for me, the medication works and is needed. You all know I am all for nutrition, a balanced lifestyle, and finding strength in God. Yes, these things are so very necessary too, but please hear me when I say all of those things would be so out of reach for me if not for medication. I would not be able to focus on the thought process that a nutritious and balanced life demands. As for God? He would be and always has been there for me, but my ability to reach out to Him, think on His truth, read and focus on His words, and accept who I am in Him would not be what it is today if not for medication.

Again, I write this for anyone out there that feels alone. Someone who thinks they should be able to solve their mental health problems in various ways, but can’t seem to do it no matter how much they want to. I’ve been there.

Just as you can’t think positively enough, eat nutritious enough, and pray enough to mend a broken leg…so it is with a broken brain. My life journey is one where I begged God for wisdom and direction in healing my brain, and medication is the main avenue that He led me to.

There are other ways that are as important. I am having a great time exploring how nutrition is connected to brain health, and I recently have started meeting with a most beautiful and wise woman who has agreed to mentor me and disciple me.

I’m SUPER excited about the coming months & all that God is leading me towards. How sweet He is to continue to grow me, guide me, and be so very close to me. He is continuing to show me what #LivingNew looks like, even in the midst of the hard, even in the moments where I find I can barely breathe. He is life. He is air. He restores & redeems. He makes new.

Lamentations 3:22-23

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

———

What about you? Can you relate to any of this?

Have you ever had to detox from a medication? What was your experience?

——-

Mental Illness–Going There & A Health Update

I sit here in my recently made-over home office, begging God to make me over.

I am in my favorite chair, the one that generations have sat in before me, the one that reminds me of my sweet Grandpa.

It takes me back to this past spring, his frail body sitting in a chair, cozied up in blankets during his last days. I remember so clearly his sweet smile as his eyes closed and his head relaxed back, his hand patting mine. I didn’t know the next time I would see him his hand would be lifeless, and mine would be stroking his hair, touching his face, coming to rest on his pulse, and feeling the very last few beats of one of the kindest hearts I have known. This precious moment, as I felt the life-blood leave, was a moment that has stayed with me. I will tell more of the story another time, it is one of beauty. It is one of a bride married 66 years, saying her goodbyes and releasing her lover to Jesus, as I sat by and caught a glimpse of eternity.

This chair, passed down from my Great Grandmothers’ Grandmother, has stood the test of time quite well.

The only bit of wear and tear is where one’s head would rest. It is slightly worn there. I think of others who have come before me, lying their weary heads to rest, feeling worn.

This life is hard, and I have just come out of one of the hardest seasons this summer, and I am worn. I have been quiet here on the blog, a necessity as the much of my weariness comes from a story that is not mine to tell, at least not in detail. I have not had the time or the emotional stamina to work. Posts have been few and far between. I miss writing & creating.

School started Tuesday for my 3 lovelies, and I now have the time that I craved most of the summer. I have found though, that there is a recovery process going on with me that is taking some time. This is life…this being ‘made -over.’ I cling to the promise that it is all going to be ok, because He is the one who makes all things new, redeeming all that seems wrong to good in the lives of those who love Him. {Romans 8:28}

I know this post is supposed to be about mental illness, and really it is. My little lovely has been ill, and I know I too am fighting the effects of illness, both physical and mental.

Mental triggered by physical, they entwine and do a sad dance.

My physical state has not been great, my reproductive organs really misbehaving, causing pain & bleeding and sending me to the doctor more than I would like. So far we have found a fibroid tumor, and I thanked God what showed up on the scan was not cancer. I am in the middle of ongoing testing to figure out why I am having the symptoms I do. My cancer medication that suppresses hormones has been a hard one to continue to take. There are no easy answers. Due to doctors order mix-up, I recently experienced what it would be like coming off of the meds, and it was a struggle. 5 days of waiting for the prescription to be refilled, my body went into withdrawal symptoms, and just when I was starting to adjust I went back on the meds, for more days of adjustment. It was not pretty, and I continue to feel the effects of that mixup. That is just my bottom half. My top half is also misbehaving. The reconstruction that I had done in October/November of last year looks great, but my right side formed a keloid that has grown even more extensive than before fixing it last fall, the most drastic changes happened in just the last month. I have both my dermatologist and my plastic surgeon puzzled. They don’t know what to do with me. If it continues to grow, it will mess up my reconstruction. Just last week the scar area on the other side formed two small pinpoint scabs, out of the blue. That really took me by surprise, as it had healed beautifully. This is something my oncologist wants to take a look at asap, as the incision site is often a place where reoccurrence happens. I am nervous because to biopsy that area could very well cause a keloid there, too, and mess up the reconstruction that I have grown quite attached to.

I know all of this physical stuff has a huge effect on how I feel emotionally and mentally.

{Worn — Tenth Avenue North}

I’m worn.

I then scroll through Facebook. See the horror of horrors called ISIS, and cry out to the One who holds it all and knows it all & promises to make some sort of sense of it all.

I keep scrolling, see Robin Williams face, and am reminded of why I choose to talk about mental illness on this blog.

I have found 2 articles that speak my heart loud and clear that I must pass on.

Thoughts On Depression, Suicide & Being A Christian — Nish Weiseth

What The Church & Christians Need To Know About Mental Illness –Ann Voskamp

{via Ann Voskamp.com}

Instead of doing much writing right now on mental illness, I am doing some healing and letting Him carry me through my own journey with illness.

In the meantime, this is the song I choose to sing.

{Colton Dixon-You Are}

———-

When I can’t find the words
To say how much it hurts
You are the healing in my heart
When all that I can see are broken memories
You are the light that’s in the dark

(Chorus)
You are the song,
You are the song I’m singing
You are the air,
You are the air I’m breathing
You are the hope,
You are the hope I needed
You are

And when my circumstance leaves me with empty hands
You are the provider of my needs
When all my dirtiness has left me helpless
You are the rain that washes me

If I had no voice,
If I had no tongue,
I would dance for you like the rising sun.
And when that day comes and I see your face.
I will shout your endless glorious praise.

————–

He is my song, my air, my hope.

In time, I know I will rise from the sad, turn my face to the Son, rise up like the sun and dance.

—————-

The home office makeover and chair I speak of? I will be featuring them both in a post tomorrow. That is, if I can do as James Brown suggests and get up off this thing, and dance until I feel better. 🙂

—————

Going There — Mental Illness

Going There — Mental Illness: PMDD & Getting Health

Emotional Health/ FAMILY

Mental Illness, PMDD, & Seeking Treatment

I am so grateful for this community and your gracious response to my first post on mental illness. You confirmed that it is something that needs to be talked about and I so appreciate your openness in the comments & your personal emails to me.

I found myself procrastinating again when writing this post. It is hard to know where to start when it comes to an issue that is complicated and multifaceted. I must start with what I know, and that would be my own personal story.

So here goes.

My anxiety disorder revealed itself fully, to the point that I could no longer ignore it, after the birth of my second child. Specifically after I weaned her, which I find interesting, as my disorder has been very much connected to hormones and my female cycle. Double interesting is that my breast cancer was fed by hormones, which is a sign my hormone levels have been a mess for quite some time.

I clearly remember a conversation I had with my sister about moods and anxiety when my firstborn, Teagan, was not even one year old yet. We were talking about parenting and how it could be taxing and hard, especially when there was a lack of sleep. I vividly remember her asking if I had lost my temper or if I ever just got overwhelmed and grumpy. I responded very honestly..”No. It is bliss. I just love being a Mom and it has been so very easy.” I remember her being surprised with my answer, and I also remember that my answer was very truthful.

I remember struggling around that ‘time of month’, but nothing out of the ordinary, or what would be considered anything more PMS. PMS was nothing new to me. It was something I had with every cycle from my very first one.

Fast forward to the birth of my second child–sweet Colsie. I was blessed with another easy baby, and was so enjoying being a young stay-at-home mom. Teagan was 11/2 years old when she was born. I weaned Colsie when she was about 9 months old.

My cycle became regular after weaning and my PMS returned, but it was so much more extreme than before. I struggled. I remember wondering why life seemed so hard and overwhelming. I wondered if it was just the difference between having one child compared to two children, but that didn’t make much sense as my Colsie was such an easy, delightful baby.

I made it into a spiritual issue, and several voices in the church affirmed that in both the books I read and sermons I listened to. “I just need to pray more, and have more regular devotional times. This is a sin issue.”

I tried everything. Journaling, time in the Word, prayer and meditation, exercise (which seemed to help some) and herbal supplements. I gave it my all but always felt like a failure as life was just so overwhelming. I was so overreactive to the smallest things. I especially noticed that noise bothered me. I was always wanting things calm and quiet, and with 2 little ones that was obviously not possible. My level of anger was way too high toward just normal kid things, like a 3-year-old getting out of bed over and over, or someone spilling their cheerios. I couldn’t understand how my calm, patient husband could be so…calm and patient! I would often look at him in disbelief that he didn’t feel the level of emotions and frustrations that I was feeling, and he would look at me back, I’m sure wondering why in the world was my reaction to life so over-the-top.

I did notice that my moods were pretty connected to my cycle. It started with a week of PMS, but quickly grow to a good 2 weeks of extreme PMS, which left only 2 weeks of the month where I felt like a somewhat normal person. Todd noticed the cycle, too. I came to dread the bad times of the month, and watched the calendar with anxiety growing as the date drew near.

I had a good friend whom I really trusted and confided in, and when I told her just how desperate I was for change, encouraged me to seek some help and get medication if needed. It was the first time someone gave me permission to even consider medication, as this was 12 years ago and there was still quite a stigma connected to mental illness and medication, at least in the circles I ran in.

It just so happened that conversation happened when I was due for my yearly female appointment, which meant my Colsie girl was about a year old. God seems to do that with me, as He promises–to work all things out for good and to lead when I am seeking answers. I went in and explained my symptoms to my gynecologist, and she gave me a pamphlet with PMDD on the front of it. I opened it and it explained my symptoms to a T. Here was the part that stood out the most for me:

In PMDD, at least one of these emotional and behavioral symptoms stands out:

Sadness or hopelessness
Anxiety or tension
Extreme moodiness
Marked irritability or anger

I had the last 3 for sure, but not so much the sadness or hopelessness, unless Todd and I would fight, then I would feel extremely sad and hopeless. But the anxiety, tension, moodiness, irritability and anger would seem to hang around for no reason, or was brought on by the smallest of things. It made no sense, yet would not go away.

PMDD also comes with physical symptoms, which stunk, but I’ve always been pretty tough with physical symptoms. It was the emotional symptoms that got to me and made me hate myself. I was stuck in a cycle of acting in a way that brought on such shame and guilt. I just didn’t get why it was so hard to respond appropriately & why I couldn’t will myself to just be the person I wanted to be.

Doctor suggested an anti-depressant. I eagerly took it and was so very hopeful.

This is how I came to be on medication. I have learned since that PMDD comes often with underlying anxiety or depression disorders. I have never been formally evaluated, but I have gone to therapy and my therapist says for sure there is an anxiety disorder along with my PMDD, and also wondered if I was on the spectrum of the disorder of bi-polar, which could very well be as it runs in my genealogy and I relate to many of the symptoms of bi-polar.

My story so does not end here, but I will stop here for now. Stay tuned for more, I will tell you my experiences with medication & get more into how low the low’s got, and how I found freedom in listening to wise counsel, educating myself, prayer, and seeking treatment.

——–

How about you? Do you relate to any part of my story? Do you have any questions for me that you would like me to answer in my upcoming posts on Mental Illness?

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