From our new Monthly Contributor, Cassie from True Agape:
Last week, I wrote about making sure your husband knew your Love Language. Today, we are going to go into what if he knows it but you don’t feel like he speaks it. When talking with those ladies, which I mentioned in the last post, some said they just felt like their man didn’t make the effort to speak their Love Language even though he knew what it was. That of course got me thinking. I started wondering, “But what can we really do about it?”
Ok, so my husband knows my Love Language. We discussed it clearly, but I just don’t feel like he speaks my Love Language. Here are a few things to think about and consider:
1) We often speak the Love Language that we enjoy receiving. It is natural to us. Your man may have to learn how to speak your Love Language. It is foreign to him. It is like learning any other new skill. It feels awkward at first, it take practice and time to get the hang of it. (This may also be true for you in learning your mates language if it is foreign to you.) Therefore, we must be patient.
2) Take into account the other ways he is showing you love while he is crafting the art of speaking your Love Language. You may need Words of Affirmations yet he brought you a gift of flowers. No, receiving gifts does not fill your love tank nearly as fast as sweet, kind words, but consider this- he did think about you and he took the time to get the flowers. It is a hard task, but try to be grateful for the other ways that he shows you that he loves you.
3) When it comes down to it you cannot force him to speak your Love Language. You may communicate about your desires and ensure he knows your Love Language, but you cannot control him. The only person we can control is, who? Ourselves! If we choose to nag our man saying, “You’re not speaking my Love Language!” He will very likely take that as condemning him and telling him he is a failure. Not great for a man’s ego. This will likely make him withdraw from you further. Instead, we control what we can. This again is a very hard task to do! I propose that you go about filling his love tank with his primary Love Language several times a week for several weeks. This will ensure his love tank is overflowing. If you have not been doing this previously you will see a change in your guy’s attitude! Once you have done this for about two months, then ask, “Sweetie, would it be possible for you to…” where you request he does something that would speak your Love Language. The odds are since he is feeling so loved he will gladly do what you ask. It is a balance of give and take. In the beginning it will be a lot of giving. Then, he will start to give. Next, it begins to balance out more equally. I promise you the upfront work of giving will be worth it entirely!
I realize that these past two posts challenge you to some possible hard tasks. Communicating openly, maybe with someone that is not so willing. Giving more, when maybe you feel like you have been for so long. But I challenge you to seek prayer through this process. Not for it to be about how to change your man, but how can I better my marriage. Be willing to take these hard actions to further your marriage, to be a good example for your children and to show your husband that you do truly love him. When focusing on ourselves to better our relationships things often change in ways you never thought possible. Sometimes it’s a perspective change and sometimes our shift in actions change others actions.
Take a step today to make sure your husband knows your Love Language and that you are filling your man’s love tank!
-Cassie {Marriage Contributor}
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Other Posts By Cassie On New Nostalgia:
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“Marriage is Not a Destination, But Rather a Life Long Journey”
You can also find & follow Cassie & True Agape Here:
Cassie has put together an amazing resource on this marriage. The Secret to Making Your Husband Feel Loved: 75 Ideas Using His Love Language. She has made this FREE for us and you can download it by clicking HERE.
Josie
October 18, 2014 at 7:13 amI’m glad I found this. Partly because of 20 years of being trained in the military, not to feel, …his emotional needes sem to be zilch. my husband knows my love language, but everything else seems more important. I’m feeling a little dooped. He seemed to have emotions and such when we were dating…. Practically the day we got married, the romance and all ceased. But..my husband is an awesome provider. He works very hard so I don’t have to. My main love language is quality time. If I say something…He will try, but he does it kinda grudgingly. ..e does not seem to have a love language. We have done the test. We have discussed it. I am emotionally dry. In the past when it has been brought up..i feel like I am having to beg him. I am becoming very resentful……any thoughts. I am deperate.
Cassie @ True Agape
October 20, 2014 at 1:03 pmJosie-
First off- way to go for trying to find a solution or learn how to make things better. A few different things came to mind when I read your comment.
If your husband took the Love Language test and they all were about equal that just means he doesn’t have one that is more prominent. For you that means rotate through speaking all the languages to him. However, since you talked about him being a great provider I would venture to say some words of affirmations telling him that would be something that he really would enjoy even if he doesn’t seem to show it. Men really need to feel that they are needed and appreciated in that way.
I would suggest starting with prayer and then communicating to him about your needs. Pray for the way your words come across, for your feeling, needs and wants to become clear so you can explain them, for him to be open to your needs and willing to listen. Really spend some time in this before approaching him. Then, approach your husband. Let him know you want to spend some time with him. Maybe acknowledge that he works hard and you know he needs down time, but you miss having quality time with him. You may even need to explain what quality time to you is. My husband enjoys going to the movies and considered that as quality time with me until I explained quality time for me is when we get to have good conversation with each other.
Ultimately we can only control ourselves. Which is probably not an answer you were looking for. But I believe through prayer and attempting open communication things can get better over time.
I truly hope the best for you! If you would like to chat privately more specifically about this I would be more than willing to! Feel free to email me at TrueAgapeOnline@gmail.com
Cassie
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Newlywed Cook
February 17, 2014 at 8:19 pmThis is so true and I really like Kathy’s comment here. I never thought about how nagging would lower his ego and make him probably react the opposite way I would want. That makes sense. Thanks for addressing this Cassie!
Kathy Dale
February 16, 2014 at 12:12 pmIt is important that even if your husband never begins speaking your love language, that you do what you are to do…love your husband. Having been married over 25 years to a man who most of those years has not been loving, I’m speaking as one who is still accountable to God for my choices. Many men will respond to your giving and giving, but there are some who won’t. To tell women that all will is to put their hope in what they are doing are how their husband may respond. Their hope must be in Christ alone. I just want others in my situation to not become discouraged, but to trust and obey.
True Agape
February 17, 2014 at 8:47 pmKathy- That is a good point that you make! This may not work for every situation. Pray and turning to God while you continue to show love to your husband is then the only thing that can be done! Thank you for this reminder.
Unknown
February 16, 2014 at 12:48 amHow cool is this…This was pinned on some random person’s board–someone I don’t even know– and lo and behold when I clicked on it I realize it originated on your blog!
True Agape
February 17, 2014 at 8:48 pmIt is crazy how things can get spread around! Glad you enjoyed it coming back to a place you are familiar with!