I’ve had an influx of subscribers lately, so I thought I would start this by filling you all in a bit on where I am at in my cancer journey.
Here is a timeline:
Aug 2010-diagnosis: Stage 3 Invasive Ductal/Lobular Carcinoma
Sept 2010-port surgery
Sept-Nov 2010- chemotherapy
Dec 2010 -mastectomy + reconstruction
Feb 2011-Radiation –28 rounds TODAY- round 13, halfway done with radiation!!
May 2011-“phase 2” of reconstruction
June 2011- tattoo time (read more here..)
For details of the journey, click here or on the Caring Bridge button in the sidebar.
I have come far. I have so much to be thankful for. There are many ups and downs. Today was a down, I write about it below… but I’ll get back up there.
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{Halfway radiation point & “down” isn’t my best look..but I do like my new hat that looks old:)}
Journal
I was late for radiation today.
It was a hard morning…I just could not pull myself together in time.
My radiation therapist, Mr. Brad, was so kind, reassuring me that they can be flexible, and that it was ok.
I told him a bit of my hard morning, he listened and said he would pray.
Then, I told him, with tears flooding,
“I am weary”
He looked straight into my brewing storm and without hesitation, said:
“but the Lord isn’t”
A nugget of truth that shot straight to my heart and immediately brought internal storm rest. I exhaled and went on to face my day.
Oh Truth, sweet truth
From the written Word and the words of His people!
What would I do without Truth?
Truth has been harder to feel lately.
I KNOW truth, I SEE it, but it FEELS far away.
Lots of “static” in the way.
Busyness of thought that creates distance from grasping the feeling of truth.
I know I create some of that static, and I know that giving up a medication and adjusting to that give up creates static. I also know some of it is just life right now.
It. Just. Is.
This said static got the best of me this morning–it was oh, so loud–it comes and I kick and fit and shake my fists. Eyes up, head down, at times– in hands. Tissue thrown in piles on floor.
I blurt my static…to Him. To husband. To my Carma friend.
Words of “whys” and “no’s” and fears and questions and closed hands and fed ups..my words.
“But Lord…”
“No Lord…”
“Enough Lord..”
Vivid dreams have turned from normal into nightmares. Can I just have one day of my life before? I don’t want this unknown anymore. I want concrete, expected, easy. I want pretty, no scars.
Lord, do you see?
My Lottie-3 -year- old- Mae, the bravest fighter, her mother torn from baby sister to seek treatment far away. Leukemia in a child is enough, Lord, enough. But..bacteria infection and pneumonia, too? Families who love and yearn, torn from each others presence? It seems too much..
Lord, do you see?
The man after me, there for radiation therapy. The only color in his face are blood shot eyes that are hollow, but still smile at me.
Lord?
My husband, who deals with enough by dealing with me. He is sitting at table, deep in thought, while shuffling the mounting bill piles, doing his best to make them all fit.
Lord.
The statistics they scare me, why can’t I have a concrete answer? Please? Stage 3a or Stage 3b? Which one is it? It matters to me.. 70% or 39%? Why can’t I let go of the numbers? Hands grasped, closed tight. Digits grasping digits.
Women who have felt lumps, endured scans, had parts of themselves cut on and cut out, allowed chemical chemo to flow through veins and radiation to burn both good and bad cells, who felt razors and cold air on scalp, have to take pills that keep wombs empty and all the while are wives and some mothers and burden bearers for each other. Oh Lord, these women!
Lord, do you see?
So. Much. Static.
The above is enough there is so much more. Unnamed more.
Lord?…?
Then.. my Lord…
My GOOD, good, God…
He whispers to me.
“Yes, Amy, I see.”
“I know you are weary, but I am not.”
I SEE. I, too, wept.
I KNOW. I, too, have scars.
I can handle your cries to me, My child.
I’m so glad you’ve come to me…
For I am the Way. The Truth. The Light.
I will make sense of tragedy.
I will be your burden bearer.
Hand over the load. I was meant to bear it, not you.
Endure, child.
You know on this earth there will be pain and trials.
It was not meant to be this way, but it is.
I will fulfill my promise to make it all right again, in my time.
This is what it is in an imperfect, sin- infested world.
This is why I sent my Son, for a way out of it all.
You’ve tasted the hand of bitterness, do not let hatred numb your sorrows.
Do not clinch your hand closed tight.
The wise hand opens slowly, to lilies of the valley and tomorrow…to Me!
I gave you the words to this song in your heart.
I gave you these words years ago, knowing you would need them in these fist shaking moments.
“This is what it means to be held, how it feels..
When the sacred is torn from life and you survive
This is what it is, to be held, and to know that the promise was
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
He was the first one that I have read who was able to take the incredibly complicated question of
“What Should I Eat?”
and answer it in just seven words:
“Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”
I read his first book,In Defense Of Food, a year ago and just really jived with it. I was so happy to see that he came out with a short, easy to read, manual that expands on the answer.
Each page gives a simple tip on what to eat. I read the book in 30 minutes and loved it.
Here are some of my most favorite tips from the book:
#2 Don’t eat anything your great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize as food.
(for example–neon colored tubes of flavored gel called Go-GURT!)
#3 Avoid food products containing ingredients that no ordinary human would keep in the pantry
(ethoxylated diglycerides??)
#4 Avoid food products that contain high-fructose corn syrup
(it is a reliable marker for a food product that has been highly processed)
#5 Avoid foods that have some form of sugar (or sweetener) listed among the top three ingredients.
(exception to this rule, are “special occasion” foods–see Rule 60)
#6 Avoid food products that contain more than five ingredients.
(another sign that it is a highly processed food)
#7 Avoid food products with the word “lite” or the terms “low-fat” or “non-fat” in their names.
( Refined carbs can make you fat. Sugar makes you fat. Many low-fat or no-fat products boost the sugar and salt to make up for the flavor lost when removing fat)
#10 Avoid foods that are pretending to be something they are not.
(imitation butter-aka-margarine-is the classic example. Artificial sweeteners..)
#11 Eat only foods that will eventually rot.
(real food is alive food…therefore it should eventually die)
#12 Eat foods made from ingredients that you can picture in their raw state or growing in nature.
(read ingredients on a package of Twinkies or Pringles and imagine what those look like raw or where they grow…ya can’t!)
#19 If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don’t.
#22 Eat mostly plants, especially leaves
(antioxidants, fiber, omega- 3 fatty acids, energy dense!)
#23 Treat meat as flavoring or special occasion food.
(become a “flexitarian”–someone who eats meat only a couple times a week)
#25 Eat your colors!
(colors from nature are full of polyphenols, flavonioids, carotenoid, which all fight disease!)
#34 Sweeten and salt your food yourself.
(you will find you are consuming a fraction as much sugar and salt as you otherwise would–example oatmeal–buy plain not flavored, sweetened or colored!)
#36 Don’t eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk.
(ha..like that one. It’s kind of a “duh”)
#37 “The whiter the bread, the sooner you will be dead”
Am I too busy chasing a temporary fortune
That my priorities get lost along the road
The seasons bring their moments
They linger for an instant
They never wait for you to pay the debts you owe
When I leave I want to leave a memory filled with love
The kind you don’t forget
When I go I want to be known
As one who lived with no regrets
If life is like a flower
Am I doing all that’s in my power
To leave a fragrance behind
It’s time to count my blessings
Forget about my savings account for a while
I want them to say
What a glorious day
She had so much to gain
But she gave it away
And I want them to see something different in me
And that I’m going to be free
Some glad morning when this life is over I’ll fly away To a home on God’s celestial shore I’ll fly away
When I leave I want to leave a memory…
Todd and I had a fun date night last night. We ended up at a local bookstore called Indigo Bridge Books. I had a 2 Groupons for $20.00 worth of merchandise each, so I had a blast looking & shopping around.
{If you have not signed up for Groupon, YOU MUST CLICK HERE to learn more about it. All of our date nights have been 50-70% off, and many were even free, thanks to Groupon–I’m a big fan! If your friends sign up you get $10 free when they make their first purchase.}
Back to our date night and shopping–I found the best coloring book for my girls and had to get it!
This book is about an inch thick and full springtime beauty!
There is something so therapeutic about coloring, it is an activity I don’t mind doing with my girls, especially when my energy is low and the coloring pages look like these!
Here are some other coloring books/art books we have used and loved:
My girls love that there is no paper in the way. They are also very strong and do not break as easily as most crayons. The case is super convenient, the hard plastic cover swivels up…no torn boxes!!
I saved their favorite for last. These are awesome. They are like jumbo chapstick containers that twist. They are creamy, shiny and so much fun to use. My youngest got them for Christmas, my oldest keeps sneaking in her room to use them. They look great on black paper, but can be used on all types of paper.
Got any coloring/art book favorites? How about art supplies?
I had a friend send me this song, purchased for me through Amazon. It was exactly what I needed in that moment. Thank you, Betsy!
Betsy has an awesome blog called Barganista. I have found so many great deals on her site. If you stop by, tell her I said Hi! (ignore the “download for free” written on the video screen. Didn’t work for me!)
All I Need by JJ Heller
I don’t need a thing My good shepherd brings me all You are all I need You let me catch my breadth Even in the valley of death You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love Your blood that covers me
You lift up my head You provide the wine and bread You are all I need There’s no need to fear Even with my enemies here You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love Your blood that covers me
Goodness and mercy are following me You are all that I need You make a home for me With pastures of green as far as I see You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love Your blood that covers me
, a year ago and just really jived with it. I was so happy to see that he came out with a short, easy to read, manual that expands on the answer.
. It was exactly what I needed in that moment. Thank you, Betsy!