I am home alone all day, in a quiet and clean house.
I wait for the call– scan results.
This music adds peace to the wait.
I take a spring walk, ipod in ears, playing the song “A Divine Romance” by Phil Wickham.
Fitting, for He romances me as I walk.
He places beauty along my path, then opens my eyes wide and allows me to see.
I delight like a child, my pace quickens, it has a slight bounce.
Everything is abloom, including my heart.
All is opening to the warmth of spring, coming out of closed bud.
Petals open with expectation.
I feel the same.
I, too, feel an expectation, a childlike trust forming and allowing this opening.
I open and He fills.
He gives gifts, so creative, so delightful!
On this walk, it seems He has left them all about just for me.
Scents of hyacinth, they rise up from the ground.
Their stay is short but full, and their scent leaves a lasting impression.
A squirrel, standing at attention on two hind legs.
He checks me out, then scurries away, mimicking my bounce with his tail.
A blue jay, twitters about, lands on a branch.
My chin is up as I pass, I’m straining to see.
Our eyes meet and it bursts out in song sung just for me!
It makes me smile, so!
I feel funny, bouncing along with this childlike grin.
Adding to the humor is my steel water bottle tucked away in my backpack.
The ice inside jingles with each bouncy step I take.
I am jingle bells in the springtime.
I think of a springtime, childhood, Easter song:
“Hear the bells ringing, they’re singing that we can be born again!!”
I do feel a rebirth.
I think back to last fall when all withered and died down.
Nature and me.
It was a harsh season. I wondered if I’d see spring–literally.
Spring is HERE!
It has brought about a new me that bounces and jingles and has eyes to see.
And–so typical–even in the midst of spring gift giddiness–
In the midst of open eyes and upturned chins
Life brings a reminder of my continued need of Him.
A nasty bug flies right into my upturned eye,
Within seconds I am distracted and fumbling.
Eye watering, makeup running, ipod dropping.
No mirror to get it out, and I’ve bounced too far from home.
A simple. childlike prayer:
“Lord? Would you help me get this bug outta here?
“Lord? Would you help me get this bug outta here?
I want it out of my eye so I can see the gifts.”
He does.
It is not pretty.
Bug guts mixed with mascara smeared on fingers and face.
It is messy.
Life is.
But in the midst of my mess, despite the smeared ugly, I am still romanced!
The Divine romancer woos and whispers, wipes my face.
I open to His touch and His gifts.
I bloom and I continue on my walk, with a slight bounce.
Divine Romance –Phil Wickham
The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied
For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love
A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied
I’m contemplating this song today.
It has been another hard day. I’m just not feeling like myself, at all.
I’m adjusting to a new medication, one that messes with hormones
and causes any rogue cancer cells to commit suicide.
Today it is causing hot flashes and and a down mood and head.
I did have a very “normal” feeling day yesterday, which was day 2 on the medication. That was really nice.
I had one person describe this medication as “puberty in reverse.”
Fun times.
My heart is also heavy for Japan.
The images are just unreal and hard to imagine that it is reality.
Such suffering is so hard to see, and I am reminded, as the song says below,
that “This is not our home.”
Songs like this help give me perspective, and lift my heart and lift my head.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
I’ve had an influx of subscribers lately, so I thought I would start this by filling you all in a bit on where I am at in my cancer journey.
Here is a timeline:
Aug 2010-diagnosis: Stage 3 Invasive Ductal/Lobular Carcinoma
Sept 2010-port surgery
Sept-Nov 2010- chemotherapy
Dec 2010 -mastectomy + reconstruction
Feb 2011-Radiation –28 rounds
TODAY- round 13, halfway done with radiation!!
May 2011-“phase 2” of reconstruction
June 2011- tattoo time (read more here..)
For details of the journey, click here or on the Caring Bridge button in the sidebar.
I have come far. I have so much to be thankful for. There are many ups and downs. Today was a down, I write about it below… but I’ll get back up there.
——————————————————-
{Halfway radiation point & “down” isn’t my best look..but I do like my new hat that looks old:)}
Journal
I was late for radiation today.
It was a hard morning…I just could not pull myself together in time.
My radiation therapist, Mr. Brad, was so kind, reassuring me that they can be flexible, and that it was ok.
I told him a bit of my hard morning, he listened and said he would pray.
Then, I told him, with tears flooding,
“I am weary”
He looked straight into my brewing storm and without hesitation, said:
“but the Lord isn’t”
A nugget of truth that shot straight to my heart and immediately brought internal storm rest. I exhaled and went on to face my day.
Oh Truth, sweet truth
From the written Word and the words of His people!
What would I do without Truth?
Truth has been harder to feel lately.
I KNOW truth, I SEE it, but it FEELS far away.
Lots of “static” in the way.
Busyness of thought that creates distance from grasping the feeling of truth.
I know I create some of that static, and I know that giving up a medication and adjusting to that give up creates static. I also know some of it is just life right now.
It. Just. Is.
This said static got the best of me this morning–it was oh, so loud–it comes and I kick and fit and shake my fists. Eyes up, head down, at times– in hands. Tissue thrown in piles on floor.
I blurt my static…to Him. To husband. To my Carma friend.
Words of “whys” and “no’s” and fears and questions and closed hands and fed ups..my words.
“But Lord…”
“No Lord…”
“Enough Lord..”
Vivid dreams have turned from normal into nightmares. Can I just have one day of my life before? I don’t want this unknown anymore. I want concrete, expected, easy. I want pretty, no scars.
Lord, do you see?
My Lottie-3 -year- old- Mae, the bravest fighter, her mother torn from baby sister to seek treatment far away. Leukemia in a child is enough, Lord, enough. But..bacteria infection and pneumonia, too? Families who love and yearn, torn from each others presence? It seems too much..
Lord, do you see?
The man after me, there for radiation therapy. The only color in his face are blood shot eyes that are hollow, but still smile at me.
Lord?
My husband, who deals with enough by dealing with me. He is sitting at table, deep in thought, while shuffling the mounting bill piles, doing his best to make them all fit.
Lord.
The statistics they scare me, why can’t I have a concrete answer? Please? Stage 3a or Stage 3b? Which one is it? It matters to me.. 70% or 39%? Why can’t I let go of the numbers? Hands grasped, closed tight. Digits grasping digits.
Oh Lord, and these women…
These dear, strong, fighting women.
Stacy, Nancy, Amanda, Stacia, Veronica, Elaine, Connie, Gina, Michelle, Heather, Monique, Jill
Women who have felt lumps, endured scans, had parts of themselves cut on and cut out, allowed chemical chemo to flow through veins and radiation to burn both good and bad cells, who felt razors and cold air on scalp, have to take pills that keep wombs empty and all the while are wives and some mothers and burden bearers for each other. Oh Lord, these women!
Lord, do you see?
So. Much. Static.
The above is enough there is so much more. Unnamed more.
Lord?…?
Then.. my Lord…
My GOOD, good, God…
He whispers to me.
“Yes, Amy, I see.”
“I know you are weary, but I am not.”
I SEE. I, too, wept.
I KNOW. I, too, have scars.
I can handle your cries to me, My child.
I’m so glad you’ve come to me…
For I am the Way. The Truth. The Light.
I will make sense of tragedy.
I will be your burden bearer.
Hand over the load. I was meant to bear it, not you.
Endure, child.
You know on this earth there will be pain and trials.
It was not meant to be this way, but it is.
I will fulfill my promise to make it all right again, in my time.
This is what it is in an imperfect, sin- infested world.
This is why I sent my Son, for a way out of it all.
You’ve tasted the hand of bitterness, do not let hatred numb your sorrows.
Do not clinch your hand closed tight.
The wise hand opens slowly, to lilies of the valley and tomorrow…to Me!
I gave you the words to this song in your heart.
I gave you these words years ago, knowing you would need them in these fist shaking moments.
“This is what it means to be held, how it feels..
When the sacred is torn from life and you survive
This is what it is, to be held, and to know that the promise was
when everything fell, you’d be held.”
I am holding you.
I have not promised a pain free world and life.
But, I have promised that I AM Life, the Way,
and I will be holding you every step.
These are God’s whispers to me.
I listen.
I search Youtube and find that song.
I listen again.
The static volume lowers to just a whisper and I find truth–and I am held.
{Words To Natalie Grant’s “Held”}
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we’d be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it’s unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We’d be held
“When I Leave” JJ Heller
Am I too busy chasing a temporary fortune
That my priorities get lost along the road
The seasons bring their moments
They linger for an instant
They never wait for you to pay the debts you owe
When I leave I want to leave a memory filled with love
The kind you don’t forget
When I go I want to be known
As one who lived with no regrets
If life is like a flower
Am I doing all that’s in my power
To leave a fragrance behind
It’s time to count my blessings
Forget about my savings account for a while
I want them to say
What a glorious day
She had so much to gain
But she gave it away
And I want them to see something different in me
And that I’m going to be free
Some glad morning when this life is over
I’ll fly away
To a home on God’s celestial shore
I’ll fly away
When I leave I want to leave a memory…
I had a friend send me this song, purchased for me through Amazon
Betsy has an awesome blog called Barganista. I have found so many great deals on her site. If you stop by, tell her I said Hi!
(ignore the “download for free” written on the video screen. Didn’t work for me!)
All I Need by JJ Heller
I don’t need a thing
My good shepherd brings me all
You are all I need
You let me catch my breadth
Even in the valley of death
You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love
Your blood that covers me
You lift up my head
You provide the wine and bread
You are all I need
There’s no need to fear
Even with my enemies here
You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love
Your blood that covers me
Goodness and mercy are following me
You are all that I need
You make a home for me
With pastures of green as far as I see
You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love
Your blood that covers me
My good shepherd brings me all
You are all I need
You let me catch my breadth
Even in the valley of death
You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love
Your blood that covers me
You lift up my head
You provide the wine and bread
You are all I need
There’s no need to fear
Even with my enemies here
You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love
Your blood that covers me
Goodness and mercy are following me
You are all that I need
You make a home for me
With pastures of green as far as I see
You are all I need
All I need to be complete is your love
Your blood that covers me
Almost daily since my diagnosis, there has been a different song on my mind each day. It is usually exactly what I need for that day. It has been such a huge thing to have words of truth going through my mind all day. If I don’t wake up with a song, somehow throughout the day God gives me one, whether it is through one of you sending me a link, or the radio, or a verse I read that I know is in a song. I decided to start sharing those songs with you when they come, this is the one that was in my brain all day today.