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Music Renews

Emotional Health/ Music Renews

In My Head and On My Ipod While Running

inspire

I’ve been running.
I used to DESPISE running.  It hurt.  It hurt my lungs and it hurt my body!
But, now I’m starting to get it.  I’m starting to figure out why those who run love to run.  I have found that as I have stuck it out and my body has adjusted, that it feels GOOD to run.  It is fast and freeing!
I started out very slow.  I would jog to get my heart rate up, then just walk fast, until I found my heart rate going down, then I would jog again to get it back up.  After treatment last year that it didn’t take much to get my heart rate up, and it has taken a long time for me to be able to run and feel good instead of make me feel faintish & like my lungs were going to explode.
I still hesitate to call myself a runner.  I’m not ready to commit to that title, and I still cheat quite a bit.  We have hills in our neighborhood, so I walk up the block, and run down it, then walk up the next block and run down it.  But boy, when I AM running, it just feels SO GOOD to be able to MOVE and feel alive.
The last 2 times I ran, I had my ipod on shuffle, and BOTH TIMES it started on the song, You Are Everything by Matthew West.  It’s not the best song to run to, a bit slow, but the lyrics sure made me smile, especially this part: 
And I can’t help but breathe You in, and breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

It is a pretty inspiring lyric to listen to as blood is pumping and feet are going and breath is loud and real and alive.  Maybe that is why I have fallen so hard for running, the feeling of being “alive.”  Not just alive internally, which I always felt even when sick and weak because of my Jesus, but to also experience it in such a physical way–pretty awesome.

Right after that song, on came Pink, and a song that brought tears for me called ‘Who Knew.’  It is probably about a couple who broke up, but the lyrics made me think of some of the emotions my Todd might feel if I didn’t make it out of my cancer battle.  
These thoughts happen once in awhile, I am a changed person and thoughts of eternity and ‘what if’s’ just happen naturally.  It is not a bad thing anymore.  Not a fearful thing.  It keeps life in prospective so I think it is a healthy thing.  After a year and a half of being confronted by death, I am prepared for death, for a life of eternity with my Saviour, but I sure don’t want to leave the ones I love.  My sorrow would come from knowing the hurt and sadness it would cause those I love.  This song reflected those thoughts and made me run harder, pursuing health for my family.  They are my motivation to run.
Some of ‘Who Knew’ from Pink:

I’ll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we, until we meet again
And I won’t forget you my friend
What happened?

If someone said three years from now
You’d be long gone
I’d stand up and punch them out
Cause they’re all wrong

And that last kiss I’ll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes it harder
I wish I could remember

But I keep your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling, who knew?

That song ends, and I’m running down the hill at dusk, with tears running.  I wipe them away and I find myself admiring but distracted by the pink sky.  I think it is funny to look at pink while listening to Pink. Between distraction of beauty and tears, I hope I don’t hit a bump and tumble. 


The song below comes on. It is by Muse, called  Supermassive Black Hole, and then– I REALLY got my run on, throwing caution to the wind.  I felt like I was a vampire being chased by a werewolf, or maybe a vampire playing baseball?  No, I’m not admitting to being a Twilight fan.  At all.  But I DID get my run on…and controlled my urge to howl.



That song ends, and I am almost home.  I turn off my ipod, take out my earphones, and just listen to the sounds of creation.  It is a quiet beautiful.  My breath and heart beat join in, and I worship my Creator, and whisper heard words.

I can’t help but breathe You in, and breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart 


———————–

Matthew West
You Are Everything

I’m the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can’t even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I’m spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me?
Someone who won’t let me fall

You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is every day is filled with hope
‘Cause You are everything that I breathe for
And I can’t help but breathe You in, and breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart 

I’m the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I’d ever care to confess
But You’re the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

You’re everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hangin’ up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You

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FAMILY/ Love/ Marriage/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

My Man Of A Thousand Years

Psalm 31:3
For Thou art my ROCK and my fortress; therefore for Thy name’s sake lead me and guide me. 

_______________

My man is my rock, he is led and leads.

He lives the above words of Psalm 31:3

He is led by the Rock that is higher than I.  

The Unmovable one, the one who is never changing, who will not budge from His promises. 

He is solid, a strength that has been there for over a thousand years 


My man, his hand reaches and rests.  

Movement to rest.

Not a striving, just a leaning.

It takes this movement, a decision, a reaching out. 

A faith that our Solid is there steady. 

Ready for our leaning.

 

My man leans into this Ultimate firmness, which in turn makes his heart soft.

This safe strength opens my heart, makes me vulnerable, and I, too, lean.

I want to stay in this place, a thousand years more.

 

 

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Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Extravagant Love

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I have had the song below on repeat in my brain for almost a week now.  The lyrics are beautiful.  It is a super intimate song, one that reminds me that I worship a relational Being with whom I have a deep soul relationship.

This song started on my heart when I was out of town this weekend in the beauty of the desert of Arizona.  I think I know why God put it there–to remind me of how close and intimate He is, and longs to be with us. I think it is so easy to get caught up in the beauty of creation, and forget that all of creation is just a reflection of the Creator God!  His love IS extravagant, everything about Him is, and to think we can be in relationship with Him forever? It blows my mind.

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FAMILY/ Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Held Together By The Breath Of Heaven

I have always loved this song, but it took on a special meaning for me last Christmas, as I was weak from finishing 4 rounds of chemotherapy, and knew a double mastectomy was coming my way right after Christmas.  I found much comfort in this song, especially the chorus.  I find myself continuing to cling to the words the last few days.  My MRI was finally approved by insurance, and I will have it on Monday night, results a few days after. 
I honestly don’t know what I would do without the hope of Heaven, and His comfort– His breath whispers to me– as I continue to face my own mortality.  It is a place I don’t like being, but at the same time, it is a place where I have the opportunity to release myself completely to His plan, and to practice a deep trust.  It is a place where I am able to practice what I proclaim, and a place where what I proclaim has become so very tangible and real.  These are the gifts, ones I am beginning to think I would not trade, even for health.  
For my heart is healing, which is so meaningful and life-giving.  Far beyond physical healing.  Of course I would love to stay physically healthy, but I now know deeply what matters.  Would I have been able grasp this without the tangible fear of death? Would “I know, that I know, that I know,” without pain and suffering?   I do not think so.  Would I be able to “remember the works of the Lord” and who He became to me in these moments?  The memories would not be so vivid, they would not “stick” so easily. 
Would I know what it means to be “held together by the breath of Heaven?”  Maybe, but I don’t think it would be as sweet, and I would not allow myself to be held as readily as I do now.
The breath of this God-child, this God who “became flesh and dwelt among us,” to bring hope & healing–this is why I celebrate, and this is why I love Christmas.
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Cancer Journey/ HEALTH/ Love/ Music Renews/ Spiritual

Health Update

{my momma came and took some pics of me}

Well, I saw Dr. M today, my Oncologist.  She is the most calming person!  She walks in and brings her smile, knowledge and care with her, which I always appreciate.

She felt my lump area, and was able to push through it and find a 1/2 centimeter area that she is wondering about.  It is in the same area that a lymph node was found in my upper chest, right under my old port incision.  She wants to look into it further with a breast MRI next week.  I have an appointment on Monday and will have results a few days after that.  Even if it is just a lymph node, it is right in the path between where my old tumor was and positive nodes under my arm, so she wants to keep a close eye on it.  She also said that usually you should not be able to feel lymph nodes, and this is the second time in a month that she has, so an MRI is the way to go.

{It snowed today! Snow boots rock!}

She still feels like the largeness and roundness of what I can see in that area is due to radiated tissue moving around and bunching.  That was relieving, in that if we do find cancer, its not this large tumor growing out of me.  I’d much rather be dealing with cancer in a lymph node than a secondary tumor.  I breathed easier when I realized this.

I could feel the area roll under her fingers as she felt around and it was a small bit tender.  It gave me the ebee-jeebies when she would do it.  Blech.

My initial blood work came back perfect.  All white and red cell counts are right on!  I look really healthy on paper, and feel pretty healthy, so I have decided to stop worrying (as much as possible) and act like I am healthy!
{reading blood test results}

I am doing much better emotionally.  I say this every time– but the minute I let you all know about any health concerns, I am blanketed in peace.  I know this is your prayers for me and it really is amazing.  You help remind me that God has been and is so close and has brought so many amazing things my way while dealing with this cancer crap.  He knows what He is doing, so I can let go.  Why do I so often forget this??

Love to you all.

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FAMILY/ Love/ Music Renews/ Parenting/ Spiritual

For My 3 Lil’ Lovlies

My babies are now 12, 10 and 9!  I just can’t believe it!  Where do the years go?  I am loving every minute of being a mom.  I feel so very lucky to call these little lovelies mine, always remembering that they ultimately are His.  I know He will always take care of them.
I love you, my three beauties!

I remember singing this hymn as a child, for it was sung to me. 
This remake of it is so pretty.
Love.
Be not dismayed what e’er be tide

God will take care of you
Beneath His wings of love abide
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o’er all the way
*He will care for you*
God will take care of you

Through days of toil when heart doth fail
God will take care of you
When dangers fierce your path assail
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o’er all the way
He will care for you
God will take care of you

God will take care of you
Through every day, o’er all the way
He will care for you
God will take care of you

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