“Unlike delivering grace, which once received, inadvertently moves us to greater independence from God,
sustaining grace keeps us tethered to Him.” –Vaneetha Demski
{A Guest Post by Carissa Harms}
My story is one of a life changed by chronic pain.
It’s hard for me to share, but I know it’s good for my heart to do so, and is an act of obedience to my frequent prayer that God would be glorified through this. That this suffering would not be wasted.
5 years ago I injured myself playing sand volleyball with my husband at the age of 27. My resulting situation is abnormal in the degree of disability I’ve experienced because of it, the lack of clarity about my diagnosis, and the absence of successful treatment so far.
The pain in my lower back and pelvis initiated by the injury, and worsened by a subsequent pregnancy, has steadily increased until 2 years ago I became primarily bedridden. I spend about 75% of my day in bed or on an air mattress in our living room, with brief periods of time being upright standing or sitting in my orthopedic chair. The deep vice-like burning pain is unforgivably constant regardless of my position or treatments and can build to mind-fogging unbearable at times.
My medical resume is disappointingly extensive.
-had every scan and test we know about (many of them multiple times)
-seen multiple doctors per specialty
-a dozen therapists/chiropractors
-lots of diagnostic injections
-3 trips to the Mayo Clinic
-3 rounds of out-of-state prolotherapy/PRP treatments (averaging 200+ injections each)
-an inconclusive exploratory surgery
-various alternative and natural products/treatments
-too many medications to count
The closest thing we have to a diagnosis is “Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction (SIJD).” Basically meaning my pelvic joints are unstable. My symptoms are not completely consistent with this, and most likely there are other contributing factors yet to be named. The unbelievable frustration from these failed medical pursuits does me more harm than good, so I have come to let it go. We are continuing to pursue new things knowing God may still choose to use medicine to heal me this side of heaven, but my hope is now built on Him, and no longer on “them.”
Battling pain like this day-after-day without a clear explanation or any promise of relief in the future is enough to send someone over the edge…swallow them whole…rewrite the definition of insanity.
Then there’s the grief-pain. Grieving the loss of sitting through a church service, attending my son’s school functions, a dinner out, shopping, a walk with the family, trips, all the activities I enjoyed with my husband, serving others. Too many to name. It is unavoidably trying physically, relationally, emotionally, and spiritually.
But thanks be to my good & gracious God that this is not ALL of my story.
There is something else that is also unavoidable. Despite my frequent attempts to downplay it for the sake of self-misery, it remains. Something MORE than I could’ve hoped for in this time of hopelessness. If someone would’ve told me what my life would hold these last 5 years, I would’ve said that it would be utterly unbearable! It would take more grace to endure than I could conceive. And therein lies the cause for praise.
“In the gap between what we want to happen and what God provides for us, is always sustaining grace.” …
Our “gaps” have been meticulously filled by the Lord. His tangible hands have been friends, family, and complete strangers taking care of our family’s (with 2 little boys at home) large list of physical needs. Gap filled. Many a divinely timed word of encouragement from someone. (Once, my phone rang in the very middle of my prayer petitioning the Lord on that specific matter)! Large gap filled. Unexpected financial gifts in the exact amount needed for something, random connections leading us to new treatment options to pursue when we thought we had done it all, and even a donated private jet ride to get me to Mayo (so I could lay down in-flight). Gaps overflowing!
But by far the most steadfast provision from the Lord in my wavering faith has been His unwavering faithfulness to me. Not a burden of heart has been unanswered without a promise from Him I could cling to. While I have longed to be protected FROM this trial, I can’t help but recognize God’s protection IN it. In my discouragement, protection from complete despair. In my anger, protection from bitterness. In my pain, He has brought blessing.
cont…“God’s sustaining grace can’t be experienced while resisting His will.” (Andy Stanley)
How true this has been for me. Greater than the battle for healing is the battle of surrender that wages in my heart. It is not a one-battle-war! I have experienced first-hand the grace, peace, and joy that comes when I am fully trusting that God has allowed this trial out of His goodness, for the good of many, that “none of His plans can be thwarted,” and the finish line of His glory will reveal that it was all more than worth it. With Him in complete control, I don’t have to fight the ride. But fight the ride I often do nonetheless.
Despite frequent “falls” of discouragement, I praise my Mighty Savior that my hand is buried firmly in His! He has not allowed me to be “hurled headlong.” With each fall, His grace either eases the pressure of the burden or increases my strength to bear it.
I know that many travel with the companions of sorrow and suffering on their life journeys. Both visible and invisible pain. Some much greater than mine. As my faith has been strengthened in joining other’s journeys through suffering, I pray that because the Lord has chosen to make mine the visible kind, someone would find encouragement and hope in God’s story of faithfulness to us.
———–
A note from Amy:
Carissa is a dear friend of mine. Our relationship goes back to our newlywed days where we attended the same church and small group study. She has always been a light to me, and I have learned so much from her by just watching her life. Her story of pain has touched me deeply and I am so thankful to share some of her with you all today!
